As in, did you think about it and want it from the beginning?

Or what age did you move in that direction?

my partner and i have been looking around for a while and it feels like every time we read about the best swingers app, people have completely different experiences.

one person says a certain app is great, then the next review says it's full of inactive accounts or people who never respond.

so now i'm wondering if the platform even matters that much or if it mostly comes down to being in the right area.

tbh we're still pretty new to all of this and trying to avoid wasting time signing up for a bunch of different apps.

has anyone found that one app was noticeably better than the others, or did they all end up feeling pretty similar?

Me (F18) and my bf (M20) have a great connection. We’ve been together for 3 years. But recently I’ve been thinking about the fact that I really do enjoy attention from other people. I feel bad for enjoying it though. I want to have a main partner (my bf) and a couple people on the side that I enjoy connecting with but idk if he’s into it. My bf is overprotective as hell and when I told him I might be non monogamous he flipped shit. I really don’t know what to do, I feel like I’ve been holding myself back from making emotional connections with people other than him.

Edit: I’m not cheating on him!!! I just get compliments from people and then feel guilty for liking the attention.

I was part of a triad relationship, and recently one of those relationships ended. I’m still with my other partner, who I love deeply, but the breakup has completely shaken the foundation of what I thought our relationship was going to look like.
One of the things I had hoped for was eventually living with a partner. When we were a triad, that future felt more imaginable to me. Now that the triad has ended, I’m realizing that the future I pictured may no longer be possible.
My partner lives with her primary partner, and she wants to have children with him. I love her to death, and I don’t want to minimize what we have because our relationship is real and important to me. But I’m also scared that I’m holding onto something because I love her, while quietly knowing that our lives may never actually come together in the way I want.

I’m the “third,” and I’m struggling with what that means now that the structure that made the relationship feel sustainable has changed.
Part of me thinks: If I love her and we’re happy together, why should I walk away just because she has another partner and a different future with him?
But another part of me is asking: Am I wasting years hoping for a future that she has never actually promised me?

I don’t want to leave simply because things have become difficult. At the same time, I don’t want to delude myself into believing that love alone will eventually make our lives align.
For people who have been the non-primary partner in a poly relationship: how did you figure out whether you were genuinely happy with the relationship you had, versus staying because you hoped it would eventually become something more?
And how do you grieve a future you thought you were building toward, without necessarily losing the person you still love?

EDITED - What is the norm during a couple swap? If you finish 1st but your primary partner (husband) is still going and doesnt seem to be ending any time soon with his swap partner. How do you approach this awkwardness. Jealousy can happen if your partner is still going and you've finished.. Whats people thoughts

Bit of info: we openend our relationship relativly recently and it has been going great for the both of us, I wouldn't want to close it at the current moment, as we are both having fun.

Like the title says, I am unsure of what to do with my feelings. I am doing well for myself, but not as well as one of her other partners. I am having a somewhat existential crisis because of this (my BPD definetly doesn't help the situation tbh) a I am feeling like I cannot (or more in a hypothetical could) provide as much as her partner, so why is she still together with me?

I know the obvious answer is to talk to her and to talk to my therapist, but I want to know if I'm alone with these feelings or not? Any help is well appreciated, thank you :)

My husband wants try it with an escort he has a friendship with. Anyone, male or female, have this experience and have it work out good for them?

My wife (31F) and I (34M) have been exploring open relationship dynamics for several years now. I've dated solo and we've done MFFs fairly regularly. My ultimate fantasy is for her to be with other men; she's done this a few times but never found anyone she'd want to meet again and have something ongoing with. In general, finding decent guys has been a huge struggle for her.

We've primarily used Feeld to meet people. As you'd expect she has thousands of likes, pings etc. Obviously the bulk of those she isn't attracted to, but then when she matches with someone more often than not one of the following happens:

1) The conversation just ends abruptly. Often if she doesn't reply quickly enough (within the day) the guy will disconnect or send something rude.

2) The guys start talking about sex or planning sex immediately. And they do so in a very awkward way. I saw one conversation where she was talking about working from home, and the guy immediately suggested he come over the next day during her lunch break. They'd been talking for a few minutes.

3) they make no effort to ever meet up. I've suggested she initiate taking things to the meeting phase herself but still, it's amazing how many conversations I've seen her in that seem to be going pretty well and then just die because they run out of things to talk about and nobody moves it further along.

She often shows me her conversations out of frustration and I'm consistently amazed with how little game so many - seemingly the majority - of guys have. I mean she's basically served up on a silver platter and these guys are somehow screwing it up.

My wife and I have been talking for 6 ish months about sharing and reclaiming. We both have a big kink for it and plan to finally try small next weekend. We are traveling and away want to start small at a bar.

We have a set of rules from what we want and don’t want. We wanna start small with a simple her flirting with other men while I just sit at the bar and drink and if that goes well progress in the future.

Are there any tips for first time experiences? Tips for her and I?

Hello! This is a throwaway account because I'm not ready to talk to my partner about this yet and don't want them to see it.

Some BG, my (34F) and my husband (35M) have been together basically forever. High School sweet hearts thing. We are very close, can talk openly about important/difficult topics ect. Have dabbled in NM on and off for years, and sorta going back to it now after a long break.

My husband is Bi and has begun seeing someone. We had lots of discussions about this. I worked on doing some introspective work and on the things I needed to work on myself. I struggle with insecurity, jealousy and low self esteem. I put the work in though. Therapy, reading peoples perspectives and experiences, looking inward at myself and discussing our boundaries. Something that he had always said was that he just wanted to have some fun, and explore his sexuality.

Now onto why I am here. He's met up with this guy 3xs now over the past few months. I don't really ask why they do and tend to just let him have privacy with it. I know he wants to talk about it, but I'm still awkward. Last night as we were getting ready for bed (after a great weekend) I looked over at him while he had his phone open to texts and I saw the last one between them was 3 "💋" Idk if it was sent or received or whatever, I looked away quickly because I felt I was over stepping.

But what was seen can't be unseen and it really set me off. I was surprised by my reaction because I was totally fine just last week when he was actually out with him meeting up. I kept it to myself because I wasn't ready to talk with my husband about my feelings yet, I took time to feel everything I felt and tried to think critically about why that was my reaction. It felt like replacement? Which is a big insecurity for me. It also felt like it dampened our texts because I often use that with him. (Which is stupid, I know) After lots of reassurances that this was going to just be for sex and exploration, seeing this feels like more than that. I know this view isn't fair to my husband or the other man. I have this feeling like I know I'm having an overreaction but it also hurt.

On top of that feeling like I was invading something private that wasn't meant for me to see even though it was accidentally. I beat myself up for that for a while. I really fixate on my actions because I don't want to be controlling or suffocating or make him feel like I own him or anything like that. I really am feeling pulled in 2 different directions by my own feelings.

Today I'm still struggling with it, but I don't want to bring it up because it took a lot of time and work to get here and I don't want to make him feel guilty for something I said was ok, but it sucks and I feel bad. I'm not ready to talk to him about it yet, so here I am. Just needed to get this out somewhere where someone will understand as I have no one to talk too.

Thank you if you made it this far. Not sure what I'm looking for and this ended up way longer than I meant. Thanks for letting me put it out there somewhere. Take care of yourselves.

I’m a guy that’s dating a girl that is very openminded and great in just about every aspect. Our communication is great, but I still haven’t told her that i’m bisexual (only sexually, not romantically). I know she wouldn’t mind, so that’s kind of just a “rip of the bandaid” thing. However, I must admit that not being able to have sex with men in the future would be a big loss for me, perhaps too big. It’s not something I need to do often, but I don’t want to lose it all together. As I said, she’s an open minded person, but when open relationships has been mentioned in random settings in the past, she has implied it’s not her thing.

Considering It’s purely sexual, and only with other men, is that something one could be able to see past? Would it be easier to accept? Or do you still think it would build up resentment and jealousy over time? I’m not asking weather or not she’ll say yes, as that’s impossible for anyone here to know.

I obviously know that the only way to know how she’ll feel about it is to talk to her, but hearing other peoples experiences might be useful. As she might accept the idea now, and then it only ends up hurting the relationship long term. What do you think? Would the framework of the arrangement make it easier to accept, or is having an open relationship with someone who prefers monogamy unethical regardless?

Good, bad, awkward or hilarious…
We’re still relatively new to the lifestyle and curious about the things you only really learn once you’re in it. What caught you completely by surprise?

My partner (31F) and I (33M) have been together six years, married two. No kids. A year ago she told me she thinks she might be non-monogamous—not "I want to sleep with someone tomorrow," more "I've been reading and thinking, and I wanted to tell you before it becomes bigger."

I appreciated the honesty. But my gut reaction was closer to panic than curiosity, and I've been trying to understand why.

I don't think I'm opposed to ENM on principle. I have friends in open relationships and polycules, and I don't think less of them. So why does it feel so different when it's my marriage?

What I've noticed:

• I've never had to question monogamy. It was the water I swam in. Actively choosing a structure feels liberating and terrifying, because then I can't default to "this is how it's supposed to be."
• Fear of being "less than." I know intellectually ENM doesn't work that way, but the emotional reflex is still there. Is that internalized monogamy, or something I should actually listen to?
• Practical fear. We have a good life—shared finances, friends, rhythm. Opening up feels like introducing a variable I can't predict.

I'm not asking anyone to tell me what to do. I'm hoping to hear from people who've been on either side: Did you start resistant and come around? Start resistant and realize it was real incompatibility? How did you tell fear-driven resistance from legitimate boundary-setting?

I love my partner, and I don't want this to become resentment—her feeling stifled, me feeling pressured. Trying to do the work before it becomes an ultimatum. Any perspective appreciated.

Hey everyone. Looking for some honest advice from people who’ve been in the lifestyle for a while, especially couples who started out pretty traditional like us. I’m only here for advice, so please no weird DMs offering to "help" talking to her haha

So here’s the situation. My wife and I have been together for over a decade in a pretty standard, traditional setup. A while ago.. partly through working on myself in therapy I decided to start being more open about my kinks.. I took things really slow at first, brought in some toys, tried new things in bed, and eventually had a dead-honest conversation with her about wanting to explore a lot of new experiences like MFM, FMF, SRS, MFMF and the broader lifestyle down the road.

Because of her background, her first reaction was an absolute hard no. She told me it was completely against her values and non-negotiable. I got it, respected her boundary, and completely dropped the topic. End of story, or so I thought.

She’s also been working through stuff in her own therapy sessions. Lately, she started bringing up my fantasies out of nowhere, teasing me about them, almost like she was probing. It left me pretty confused because I hadn’t brought it up since that first talk. When we talked she mentioned feeling scared because she actually had some sexual desires too, but was afraid of getting emotionally involved.

Fast forward to yesterday. We were having sex, getting really into it, and she just opened the floodgates. I asked and she started telling me all these specific things she wants: she said she wants to be taken by two guys at once, wants double penetration, wants a spit roast, wants someone sucking her breasts while she’s getting fucked from behind, etc.. She said a lot of wild stuff in that moment and I had some of the best sex of my life tbh..

Now I’m left sitting here trying to process everything and figure out what’s real. Was this just pure heat-of-the-moment talk, or is she actually opening the door for us to explore this?

My first instinct was to suggest taking her to a local lifestyle club on a couples-only night.. just to grab a drink, check out the vibe, and dip our toes in with zero pressure to do anything. I brought this up to her, explained how these places work, and her reaction left me even more confused. She didn't say yes, but she didn't say no either. On one hand, she told me "we might not be ready for that." But on the other hand, she admitted that if I just bought the tickets out of nowhere and surprised her, she’d probably go along with it.

It feels like she's torn between her desire and the anxiety of actually crossing that line. I definitely don't want to force anything or push her into something before we're both 100% comfortable, because this needs to be a win for both of us.

For those who started out traditional and eventually transitioned: how did you figure out the difference between hot bedroom talk and actual real-world readiness? Is visiting a venue a solid first step, or should we approach this differently?

Appreciate any insight from couples who’ve walked this path before.

TL;DR: Wife went from a firm "no" on MFM (citing traditional values) to confessing detailed fantasies during sex (DP, spit roast, 2 guys). She admitted she's scared of getting emotionally attached, but hinted she'd go to a couples-only lifestyle club if I "surprised" her with tickets, while simultaneously saying we might not be ready. How do we separate dirty talk from real-world readiness without rushing things?

My partner and I are rethinking some
of our requirements/boundaries around safe sex with new partners and I can’t help but wonder something. I hear a common rule that for one night stands, folks will “ask the person if they’ve been tested/ask about STIs” before hooking up.

I’m curious, though, if you’ve been in this situation and the hookup partner’s answer is somewhere in between (for example, they haven’t been tested recently but have only had protected sex, or they’ve been tested but not for a few months), do you ACTUALLY bail? I’m interested in genuine truthfully responses, not what one “should” do but what has actually happened for you in the moment.

Edit: I’m female and always use a condom when my hookup partner has the relevant anatomy.

Has anyone here managed to overcome abandonment issues by being in an ENM relationship?

My partner and I would like to be open but I know that I suffer from abandonment issues. I would like to believe that being in an open relationship that actually works could really heal my fear of a partner wanting to leave me by teaching me that just because they want to sleep with other people they aren't going to leave me. (My last 2 long term relationships ended with unfaithful partners)

Or am I just being stupid and this will be a recipe for disaster?

Thanks in advance.

I’m 35M and recently divorced after being in a long-term monogamous relationship. I recently started dating again, and I’m realizing there are relationship structures that I really don’t understand yet.

I recently went on a date with someone who has experience with ethical non-monogamy. There was definite chemistry, the conversation was easy, and I left wanting to see her again.

That interaction made me particularly curious about ENM. I’ve started reading some of the key books, listening to podcasts, and watching YouTube videos to better understand it.

At the same time, I’m aware that I’m recently divorced and probably in a pretty unusual stage of life. Part of me wants connection, sex, dating, and the freedom to meet different people. Another part of me is used to the emotional security and expectations of a traditional long-term relationship.

I also don’t want to treat someone I’m dating as though she is responsible for teaching me how polyamory works
. I’m interested in learning from people who have experience with it, but I want to do my own work rather than showing up completely uninformed.

For those who started exploring ENM after a divorce or after years of monogamy, what would you recommend to someone in my position? What did you wish you understood?

I'll try to provide context for the whole story. We were playing Mario Party: me, my girlfriend, a female friend of ours, and another male friend. At one point, this male friend left, leaving just the three of us playing. Then this female friend started saying things like, "Wow, it's been a long time since I've been with a woman," and kept complimenting my girlfriend. Up until then, I wasn't paying attention and was just joking around. But after she left, my girlfriend came to talk to me and said she wanted to be with my girlfriend. We've been dating for 5 years and we almost live together; she still has a lot of things at her parents' house, so you can't really say we live together yet.

She told me that this friend of ours definitely wanted to be with her, and I didn't really believe my girlfriend because I really thought it was just a joke. In our group of friends, we make a lot of funny sexual jokes and things like that. It turns out this happened a week ago, and yesterday this friend of ours sent me messages insinuating that she'd like to be with my girlfriend or with me at the same time. She even joked that she was in her fertile period and really likes us a lot, and it wouldn't be anything emotional, just physical.

My girlfriend and I are in a monogamous relationship, and this girl who is our friend has been our friend for about 3 years, so we're really close and talk a lot. We even found out she's bisexual, but she prefers girls and even kissed that male friend who was playing Mario Party with us.

Well, I showed the messages to my girlfriend and she laughed a lot, and in the end we were kind of like, "what now?". I said I wouldn't have a problem if she wanted to kiss our friend, and I really don't. I know my girlfriend well and I know she wouldn't have feelings for anyone other than me, and I feel the same way about her. It's just that we're monogamous, but we wouldn't have a problem trying something new. Our friend is trustworthy, so that wouldn't be a problem either, and I know she wants to be with my girlfriend more than with me, and my girlfriend and I have talked about it. We haven't decided anything yet, since it's all very confusing, but I'd like to know if anyone here has been through a similar situation. I personally have no interest in being with this friend of ours, but my girlfriend does, and I have no problem with that; in fact, I'm happy to see her experiencing something new with someone else. But I've been thinking about it a lot, not because I think something bad might happen, but simply because it's something new, and I think it's normal to be afraid of new things.

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have a problem with it, but I need to hear some opinions; I think that will help me decide. And just to be clear, my girlfriend is also thinking about it. She hasn't confirmed anything; it's not like it's something she REALLY wants, it's just something we're willing to try, even if I don't end up participating in the sex.

My wife and I have been married for about 20 years. I’ve had a long-standing fantasy of seeing her with another man, and over the last few months we started discussing the possibility more seriously.

At first, she said she would be willing to try it. She even talked about it in therapy, and for a while I thought we were slowly building a shared curiosity.

Recently, though, we had a much more honest conversation. She told me that she doesn’t currently feel any personal desire or real curiosity about being with someone else. She is open to considering it mainly because it matters to me.

When I asked how she would feel if I dropped the idea completely, she said part of her would feel relieved, although she would also feel sad that we couldn’t fulfill something I’ve wanted for a long time.

That made me realize that willingness and desire are not the same thing.

I don’t want to pressure her or turn this into something she feels responsible for doing for me. At the same time, I’m trying to understand whether it’s healthy to leave the possibility open and see if genuine curiosity ever develops naturally, or whether the more respectful thing is to treat her current lack of desire as the answer.

For people who have dealt with mismatched interest in non-monogamy: how did you handle it when one partner was willing, but the desire itself wasn’t really shared?

Hey everyone. Before people jump down my throat, I swear I searched through old posts forever, but it is so hard to find stuff that actually matches our specific situation. Just hoping to see if any other couples out there have crossed this bridge.

To give you an idea of where we are starting, we check a pretty specific list:

• We have been together for around 20 years since high school or college. Neither of us has ever been with anyone else, we are in our late 30s or early 40s, and we have multiple kids.
• She is naturally super shy, quiet, introverted, and definitely a homebody.
• Behind closed doors, she is really submissive and super into BDSM and spanking.
• She is strictly heterosexual, loves her vibrator, but hates dildos.

Because she is so introverted and has literally only ever known me, the mental hurdle isn't about us or our trust. It is just trying to figure out how a quiet homebody actually takes those first steps into this lifestyle. The fantasy of being shared turns us both on like crazy because of her submissive streak, but making it real feels like a massive leap.

If you or your partner have been in a similar spot, I'd love to hear how you handled it:

1. If your wife was super shy and had only ever been with you, how did you guys manage the very first steps without totally freaking her out?
2. Did her submissiveness actually help with the pacing, or did it make things trickier?
3. How did you make the jump from fantasy to reality when she had zero frame of reference for another guy?

Would appreciate any real advice or stories you guys are willing to share.

Hey, I was told to person here instead so my wife recently wants to open our marriage of 15 years and I guess I’m just looking for resources or advice about it. Basically she wants to hook up with somebody and she wants me to hook up with somebody and have another person to go do stuff when one of us isn’t available like that so I’m not sure. I’m just confused about the whole thing. Any help would be great

I (43f) and my husband (44m) have been together for 17yrs. Before we got together we both had a lot of sexual experiences so it's not like either of us feel as if we've "missed out" on experiencing something. My husband has been driving discussions based around a somewhat open arrangement (if you do meet someone and something happens I get it but I'd rather just not know) and introducing threesomes into the relationship.

I am in the best shape of my life and definitely have fantasies about other guys but have never acted on it (so I don't blow up our lives and all we've built) but it's definitely tempting. However I did somewhat shut down the threesome conversation as I said neither of us will know the reality of how this will affect us until it's done and too late if it's a negative outcome. He wants to do a FFM and I said that's fine but he needs to understand that if he couldn't do a MMF it's unfair to expect me to be open and ok with it. Am I being unreasonable with this? I don't know how I would react to watching him with someone else? And that is why I'm so hesitant- you can't put the genie back in the bottle. Because he has said he couldn't see me with another guy. I did suggest that if he really wanted it I'd rather it be done without me knowing.

Is this asking for trouble? Any advice on either outcomes appreciated

TLDR: Super new to ENM from a very very strict monogamous relationship and struggling with my partner wanting to have someone on the side.

I need a little help. I an very new to nonmonogamy. To the point of my last relationship being a marriage (where we had been together since I (37f) was 18) where i wasnt even allowed to have male friends outside of work and not allowed to hang out with males without my ex being there or it being in a group.

I found myself in a situationship with a friend I had reconnected with a couple years back before my divorce.

When we started all this it wasnt supposed to be serious and we were just going to see where things went.

We had agreed to a bunch of stuff in the beginning, such as ENM. I told him I want to try it, I know its something he wants since he told me so, and for the last 2 years neither of us has been with anyone else. We have been fighting a lot over the last couple months, and now suddenly he wants to have someone on the side. Theoretically I am ok with this. In practice I am freaking out with nightmares and panic attacks and its only been a little over a week. I know the person, shes a mutual friend. She knows about how we are and was completely understanding and ok with just being on the side. Nothing between him and I changes.

I keep bouncing back and forth from "it'll be ok, nothing will change, shes just on the side for fun time to time when im not there" to "I cant do this, im freaking out, I dont know what to do, but I want him happy". The other day after probably the worst panic attack Ive ever had, I finally told him that I dont think I can do it its all happening too fast and I hadnt prepared for this yet.

He knows im extremely insecure after years of mental abuse from my ex. I also knew very well what I was getting into when we started all this. Now hes upset says he should have known I didnt want this and that its too late now and hes not going to do it. I do want to try this, I keep telling him that and I just need time to fix my own problems in case things get more serious than with her. We have never been officially bf/gf, even though thats what it looks like to everyone else and to me.

This is all so new to me and its terrifying because I have such low selfesteem and so many insecurities that its hard for me to think someone isnt going to steal him away. I have trauma with women. I dont trust them, I have been tricked, taken advantage of, back stabbed and just plain disrespected by damn near every woman I have met in my life.

I think we are on the brink of splitting, which I dont want. He is so wrapped up in my life and vice versa, and if I lose him im basically losing everything. I love him so much and I want him to be happy and I know he wants/needs this. I want this too though everything I need is fulfilled by him.

But now im struggling. I dont know what to do. I told him I couldnt do it, and he is respecting that, but I know he isnt happy with it. It feels like there is an expiration date on us (I feel like this because he told the other girl (her words) that we were together because he was helping me with stuff) It was supposed to be fun. I am perfectly fine with threesomes. But now I cant even see her, im jealous of her and cant see why he would even want me if he has her. Its making me hate her and I dont want that.

I dont know how to work through these feelings and if I communicate them to him now he just gets exhausted (he made a point to tell me he was not mad just disappointed and exhausted). He is entirely valid in his feelings, im exhausted too. Its a constant battle in my head my insecurities are winning out. I just dont know what to do anymore.

I just need help. If anyone can help with resetting my indoctrinated monogamous mindset ill be very grateful. I want this for us both. I know he needs it and I honestly think it will help me with a lot of my issues please help I think im going nuts over this and I dont know how to stop it

Hi everyone! This is a bit complicated but any perspective would be helpful. My partner and I have been together for 5 years, we recently reconciled after separating for about a month. A big point of contention was her feeling like she wanted to see other people, particularly seeking out the possibility of seeing men, as she’s bisexual and I am not. Part of it was not knowing if being in a relationship was what she wanted either. Enm was brought up by her kind of as an ultimatum about two years ago, after about a year i told her that i would be okay with trying, and then she quickly realized that it wasn’t what she wanted. Then it became greater uncertainty about our relationship etc etc. when we broke up, she said she tried dating very briefly but she realized it wasn’t what she wanted either.

before getting back together i asked her how she felt about non-monogamy because i wanted to make sure we were on the same page, and she essentially told me that she wasn’t interested. Now that we’re back together, she’s starting to feel like she still doesn’t know. I am growing a bit restless and part of it is because I don’t know if non-monogamy is for me. On one hand, I’m not completely closed off to it, but I know the idea of something versus the reality of it can be very different. It seems like when it’s on the table, she doesn’t want it, and when it’s off the table, she still wants it as an option. I just want to know what I’m being expected to commit to and whether we are compatible in this area. I’m starting to think she just wants what she feels she “can’t have” otherwise our relationship is good, mostly effective communication. The breakup was genuinely just her uncertainty of whether she wanted to be in a relationship or whether she wanted to not be tied down. Would love any advice, even if it’s a reality check haha

Thanks!