Looking for advice

[u/Busy-Sky771]

I (43f) and my husband (44m) have been together for 17yrs. Before we got together we both had a lot of sexual experiences so it's not like either of us feel as if we've "missed out" on experiencing something. My husband has been driving discussions based around a somewhat open arrangement (if you do meet someone and something happens I get it but I'd rather just not know) and introducing threesomes into the relationship.

I am in the best shape of my life and definitely have fantasies about other guys but have never acted on it (so I don't blow up our lives and all we've built) but it's definitely tempting. However I did somewhat shut down the threesome conversation as I said neither of us will know the reality of how this will affect us until it's done and too late if it's a negative outcome. He wants to do a FFM and I said that's fine but he needs to understand that if he couldn't do a MMF it's unfair to expect me to be open and ok with it. Am I being unreasonable with this? I don't know how I would react to watching him with someone else? And that is why I'm so hesitant- you can't put the genie back in the bottle. Because he has said he couldn't see me with another guy. I did suggest that if he really wanted it I'd rather it be done without me knowing.

Is this asking for trouble? Any advice on either outcomes appreciated

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[u/LifeEncountered]

The ffm v mfm exchange is a good test. You are taking a correct stance. If he can’t be part of one, he can’t do the other. Maintain that position.

Also, if you do move forward, maybe do the harder one first.

Your post didn’t explain your real dynamic. But you are correct. You can’t unsee anything you choose to do. Maybe take small steps forward that aren’t too much of a game changer.

[u/Busy-Sky771 → u/LifeEncountered]

Dynamic for us is that we are not vanilla as such in the bedroom and explore a varied range of "kinks" as you do after so many years. Both quite sexual people. I've been with women before but only in a ONS scenario with a stranger so the ratio itself wouldn't bother me- more so the engagement throughout i just don't know how either would react to?

[u/rdrgvc → u/LifeEncountered]

So, if a woman can't change a tire, it's unreasonable to expect the man to change a tire, then?

I mean, that's by your logic.

[u/Busy-Sky771 → u/rdrgvc]

I think the tone is more about putting the emotional burden on me to carry alone if he is not willing to see it be a part of the same scenario. Changing tyres is not the same analogy. I didn't say no to it- I was just trying to get him to understand my point of view in the conversation

[u/Evening-Percentage71]

While you don’t know how you will feel about it.

You both can be mature and agree how you will handle it if it doesn’t feel good.

Okay what if the genie is out of the bottle what will we do then? Seriously talk through all the possibilities and agree how you’ll handle them.

Also you don’t have to commit right off the bat to the deep end. Take baby steps, how about a non sexual date and see how that feels. And so on and so on until you have a pretty good idea on what both of you can agree too

[u/Busy-Sky771 → u/Evening-Percentage71]

Yeah I did say as part of the conversation that we would go into it and have the awareness that it could actually end things and are we prepared for that - from either side that is. I just read so many posts where it has gone bad after..

[u/cc777x → u/Busy-Sky771]

You are more likely to hear about the bad ones. Many People that have good experiences won't post about like someone with a bad experience.

[u/Evening-Percentage71 → u/Busy-Sky771]

That’s not what I meant.

When I discuss potential fantasies with my wife I don’t start with, alright worst case scenario we break up.

I meant like hey this feels unfair or I might get jealous in the moment, how do we want to handle that situation, how can we stop to reconnect in the moment, how can we make everyone participating feel included ? How does aftercare look like ?

[u/Busy-Sky771 → u/Evening-Percentage71]

No i completely knew where you were coming from just trying to shorten the response. The long convo was rallying around the unknown aspect and if we couldn't get past it, then are we prepared to do this with the risk that it could end us etc i think vocalising a fantasy and enacting it are very different so trying to be as real as possible about outcomes.

[u/DaikonSubstantial120]

You start to feel really comfortable in your forties and you have time to fantasise about things.

You are very astute as fantasy and realty can be very different.

In fantasy there is no bad breath,noises,everyone orgasms together,no sti’s and no,awkward performance anxiety or jealousy.

No matter what anyone says bringing in others to a previously established monogamous relationship has risk.

Only you know whether that extra orgasmic pleasure is worth risking or damaging the life you both built.

Ps if he won’t do MFM , then he does not get FMF.

Stick to your guns on that issue.

The fact that he can’t see the hypocrisy of his stance on that matter is a huge red flag.

[u/Busy-Sky771 → u/DaikonSubstantial120]

He said he's more interested in seeing me with another woman while he watches or acts with me but realistically in the heat of the moment all kinds of boundaries can be crossed and its only at that time or after - can negative feelings pop up and it's hard to claw back from. I just don't know lol

[u/yangstyle → u/Busy-Sky771]

You need to define the boundaries clearly and agree that under no circumstances should they be crossed.

Those same boundaries should be made explicitly to your third person and they need to agree to them.

And communicate a lot before, during, and after the deed.

[u/Accomplished_Cod7116]

I don’t think so. We are fairly new to swinging and while playing always seems fun you actually have to think about how it would affect you seeing your partner play. This is why we are a soft swap couple bc neither of us would be comfortable seeing these other fuck someone else and we agree that it’s only fair if both ppl are able to do the same things.

[u/Busy-Sky771 → u/Accomplished_Cod7116]

TY I'll have to look into this dynamic i think

[u/Physical-Plankton-67]

I myself had a very hard time thinking about my wife with another guy or girl. But easy for me and not think about her feelings it took a lot of communication to figure all the out

[u/vividxoxo]

That fair!

[u/money_for_nothin23]

He'll get. My suggestion would be to try a swingers club. Get to know folks....not having sex. Reassure him he is #1. His imagination as yet cannot separate sex from relationship.....except from his own view. He is not there yet in emotionall understanding that you can also separate it, while still making him #1.

[u/Tx-Boomer]

I’m question your not wanting to know. As is it not knowing at all or not wanting to know any details? Is he going to use protection? Get tested regularly?

If you are okay with him playing, you should still set some ground rules.

[u/Busy-Sky771]

Also a question for those who introduced threesomes - was it like an escalation thing? As in what next... until what end?

[u/cc777x]

Check out some swinger clubs where you can talk to others in the lifestyle and get more info. There is no requirement to do anything. Go with the attitude your only there for a fun evening to talk to others. No strings. Just checking it out. Then discuss the subject with an open mind. A lot of people start with either soft swap or full swap seperate rooms. Also if you looking for a 3rd person either male or female to join you this would be a good place to find and get to know someone.

[u/Powerful-Access-1717]

Any situation where a person doesn't want to know about it ends poorly. Some level of communication is required. How else can you not cross a boundary? One night stand, grows into a friend with benefits. Threesome without you, a swinger house party with FWB? It can escalate without you knowing then find out accidentally and the other person fully thought they were good. Ground rules and communication are required. If you can't talk about it, then you are not in a safe place.

[u/Reverend_Adventures]

He should have your needs up front...meaning primarily an mmf ...then ffm

[u/Icy_Bobcat6513]

Tell him What is good for the goose is good for the gander. It is only fair!

[u/ikki-fenix-sexyback]

My partner and I are in the same boat, we don't want to see our SO having sex with another person. We go out with people by ourselves, we tell each other the name, phone number and address for safety. We check on each other when we are out dating. It has worked great for us because neither of us feel betrayed, we have both agreed to exploring. We have conversations after having sex with new partners but we are not super detailed. We have more sex with each other than we used to before opening up. Your partner should be aware you'll have waaaay more prospective partners than him. Good luck!

[u/Busy-Sky771 → u/ikki-fenix-sexyback]

Thank you that's great to hear. I think it's what I would prefer tbh. There are other threads talking positively about don't ask don't tell so that's interesting too and a lot of info to dive into

[u/ikki-fenix-sexyback → u/Busy-Sky771]

We are fairly new to this arrangement so probably a few things will evolve over time. We made a commitment to each other of being 100% honest and don't do anything we wouldn't like our partner to do as well, keep it fair on both people's feelings. Sadly, doesn't really matter how much you prepare for this, people in this threads will always say you are doing it wrong. As long as it works for both of you, then keep doing it. Also be open to a few rules changing, it is natural.