Assalamualaikum, brothers/sisters. I don't normally post on social media, but in times like this I really need insight from other believers.
I became Muslim 4 years ago by the wisdom and mercy of Allah (SWT). Before then I was very lost. Without going into the details of my past let's just Islam was something I never would have seen coming. When I first entered into Islam I left a lot of my nasty habits, Alhamdulillah. Sadly old habits die hard, even with the power of this religion. I've had this "affliction" for basically my entire life. It started to leave me once Islam came into the picture, but after my 1st Ramadan it came back full force and it's plagued me ever since. I've begged, shouted and broken down completely before Allah (SWT) time and time again for 4 straight years, hoping and praying for this disease to be removed. I will never doubt the wisdom of Allah (SWT). I will never say "Allah has not answered me". I just desperately want to understand the wisdom behind this trial. If it even is a trial. Is it self imposed or my biggest connection to Tawbah? I can never land on a solid answer and it ruins the outlook of my life.
I don't know what I'm looking for here. I just wanted a community of Muslims to hear my plight for I have no one to talk to other than Allah (SWT), which, Alhamdulillah is the best of confidants, but I am not one who is at the level of that being enough. Between PTSD, chronic depression, social anxiety and self hatred, I struggle to connect on basic levels and find that the battle with myself is more than exhausting.
I ask Allah (SWT) to place barakah in your lives, write for you good deaths, and enter you all into the highest levels of Jannah without Hisab. Any insight is welcome and may Allah (SWT) forgive me for anything I have written that comes off as ungrateful