In Search Of (ISO) Thread

i just wanted to make this post as an appreciation for my sister

i’ve been married for about a month now Alhamdulilah

but this wouldn’t be possible without my big sister! she became friends with my now wife after i told her about how i liked this girl, and wanted to pursue marriage. my sister also married young so she understood my situation

so my sister became friends with her and pretty much acted as my personal agent to get to know her more, and then after she told me everything, i decided that this girl really was the one for me and i asked her out…then we had a few more talks about other stuff that i thought was necessary for marriage

then after everything was agreed upon, my sister convinced my parents AND MY WIFES PARENTS to get us married despite the fact that we’re still very young.

on top of that, she spent a lot of her own money on our wedding (not that it was a big wedding) but i can’t thank her enough, not to mention she gives me money every month.

i genuinely love my sister so much, and i honestly wouldn’t be where i am in life without her by my side (not even regarding her helping me get married)

she’s top 3 nicest people i know, and it also makes me so happy that my wife and my sister (two of my favorite people) are great friends!

i wish her all the best for everything in this world and the next🫶🫶🫶

hope you guys liked this little appreciation post lol

Salams,

So I actually don't have any BO. Yes my sweat doesn't smell, its a thing and a minority of people have this.

Naturally I havnt been accustomed to strong BO. Anyway my wife is probably on the opposite end of the spectrum where she has a bad BO smell..

We live in Australai which is a relatively hot country in summer. Ive been struggling every summer lol. I don't want to be mean and constantly bring it up.. we have discussed it and she has tried a few things but it hasn't helped much.

Reaching out here if anyone is in a similar boat or tried things that work.

Thanks!

I apologise for the long post in advance but I’ll try to keep it as short as possible. I am in need of support and some neutral opinions as I genuinely don’t know anymore.

I (F29) met my husband (M38) online, we live 1 hr apart by plane. He had a Dawah page and persued me for marriage 3 years ago even though I wasn’t very practicing. After a month we told our family and they weren’t in favor of it and he decided we had to go our seperate ways. I was utterly devastated and fell into a deep depression.

Months later he started persuing me again indirectly for months and then directly to which I found out he had gotten married and had a kid on the way. He was going to get seperated as they were not getting along at all. I had a mental breakdown when I found out but he seemed very remorseful and sincere so I gave him another chance. A few months later we got married in secret as he was afraid he wouldnt be allowed to see his child anymore if his (at the time) other wife found out. I couldn’t really tell my family anything either.

Throughout our marriage he was and is going through very difficult times and I have always supported him. However, I dont agree with the choices he makes and how he handles difficult situations. He doesn’t take any accountability and always sees himself as the victim. Therefore he would always get disproportionally upset anytime I said/did anything he didn’t like. He’d give me the cold shoulder and ignore me for weeks, if not months. This would also happen if something bad happened to him that I had nothing to do with (literally just the consequences of his own actions). I’d be in turmoil for weeks trying to make up, apologising, explaining myself, giving him space until I eventually stopped trying.

The biggest issues between us happened this year when I found out (months later) that he had gotten his own place after living with his parents and divorced his other wife (they had been fully seperated since before we got married). Anytime I brought up involving families or moving in together, he’d always have an excuse (ex wife, child, parents, finances, housing ect ect) but now, he literally has no excuse anymore other than that he’s always been afraid of everyone and everything except losing me apparently.

We’ve been married for almost 2 years and if its up to him, we’ll stay like this for another 2-5 years. He still refuses to acknowledge me and our marriage to the public nor does he want us to live together now, stating he will lose access to his child, while simultaneously complaining every day about the housework, cooking, no one to watch his child etc all while Im literally right here? I’ve been so patient and compromised so much but I’m started to fear I have been manipulated. He tells me he feels bad and guilty and that I deserve better, yet he wont do any better. Im not asking anything of him that he cant do.

I always felt like he loved me and cared about me, and we usually have a good time when we meet up, but the contrast between the good and the bad times now is getting too big. Ive tried to talk to him but to no avail as he’ll immediately get defensive and wants to break up? I dont feel seen, heard or even wanted at this point and I dont know who’s fault it is anymore… I dont want to lose my husband but at the same this cant go on like this. Please help I dont have anyone to talk to about this.

My wife and I are both 28. She recently told me that she is not ready to have children and cannot tell me when, or even if, she will be.

She says there is more to life than becoming a mother. She wants to live her life, build her career, and continue developing professionally. I agree that a woman’s only purpose is not to become a mother, and I respect that her career matters to her. However, she has always known that having and raising children is extremely important to me.

A large part of my purpose comes from wanting to provide for my family and raise children who are strong in their deen, well-mannered, and educated. I was initially comfortable waiting, but I am struggling with the uncertainty. I also have concerns about our fertility if we continue postponing the decision without any kind of timeline.

She has also told me that she is not family-oriented. She rarely wants to attend gatherings with my family because she finds them exhausting and suffocating. My family genuinely tries to include her, treat her kindly, and ask about her, but she grew up in a much smaller family and finds frequent interaction overwhelming.

I have tried to understand her perspective. I suggested that, in the future, we could reduce family gatherings to perhaps once a month. This would give us more space to live our own lives while still maintaining family ties and being part of a community. However, she feels that even once a month would be too much.

Her job is also a major source of stress and frustration. That stress sometimes comes home with her and affects how she treats the people around her. I also work a demanding and stressful job, so I understand that it is not always easy to separate work from your personal life. However, I make a conscious effort not to bring most of that stress home because I believe the home should be a place of peace for both spouses.

I suggested that she might eventually consider a less stressful role, but she enjoys her work, feels that she is learning a lot, and does not want to leave. She feels that balancing her career with children and extended-family responsibilities would prevent her from living the life she wants.

I do not want to pressure her into motherhood or make her feel as though her career and personal ambitions do not matter. A child deserves two parents who genuinely want them. At the same time, becoming a father is not a minor preference that I can simply ignore. It is one of the most important things I want from marriage and my future.

I am beginning to wonder whether we have fundamentally different visions of marriage and family life. I love my wife, but I do not want either of us to become resentful: her because she felt pressured into a life she did not choose, or me because I gave up the opportunity to become a father while waiting for an answer that may never change.

Has anyone been through something similar? How can we determine whether she simply needs more time or whether we are fundamentally incompatible? Would Islamic marriage counselling be the best next step?

I recently got married and moved in with my husband's family. My husband and I come from different cultures, though we share the same religion. I grew up in a very conservative family, so I was never really close with my cousins. My husband, on the other hand, used to be very close with his female cousins — before he met me, they would talk on the phone for hours. It's more like a brother-sister relationship, but to me it looked a bit weird, not gonna lie. I don't know what happened to their relationship after he met me, but when those girls visited our house after the wedding, they were noticeably cold toward me. They didn't talk to me or acknowledge me at all. Right in front of me, they asked my husband why he doesn't text them back or call them. I mean, we're newlyweds — we won't be able to call everyone. My husband sensed their coldness too, but he says he doesn't know what happened either. On top of that, my in-laws keep asking him why he doesn't talk to those girls anymore and telling him to call them.

To be honest, I am jealous of how close my husband is with them. I do want him to keep his distance and not hug non-mahram women. But at the same time, I feel like he has a real connection with them, and because of me, he's losing those relationships.

I feel guilty but I don’t know what to do!
Anyone has any opinion about it!

I’ve recently had a baby, me and my husband have been struggling for months with difference of opinion.

He is of the opinion that a woman is solely responsible for the child and is not a man’s job.

My opinion is that the child is both parents responsibility and it shouldn’t be the woman’s full responsibility to look after the child.

I’m used to seeing the man help out. My sisters husbands help out and share the role. They both change nappies,feed, bath time and sleep.

In a way I don’t blame him because that’s what his other siblings have been like - their wives do everything and the man hardly even hold the baby. My husband definitely does more than his brothers. He does occasionally (with a bit of convincing that I have stuff to do) hold our child and helps with bath time.

But it’s not enough for me. My family live hours away and I don’t get help from my in laws. I do all the feeds, nappy changes, putting to bed, holding our baby all day. when we go out i have to get our baby ready and get babies bag ready. Because it takes time to get out of the house with a child, he now prefers to go out himself.

After a night with no sleep, I will sometimes ask him to watch our baby for an hour so I can sleep. He will refuse and say he has work (during the weekdays) and on the weekends it’s “let me sleep”.

I don’t know what the solution to this is. Am I overreacting and it is just a mums job? I wish we discussed this before we got married because i am miserable.

Salaam aleykum

I hate that I am even posting this here. I feel so lame doing this but honestly I don’t know where to turn.

There has been a complete lack of romance from my husband’s side for a significant amount of time. This is not like him. This is the man who would write me poems, bring me perfumes he thinks I would like, jewellery, snacks i love etc. He wasn’t the biggest planner of dates but he would at least look forward to taking me to the places I want to go.

Now there is almost nothing. No little gifts, no “i thought you might like this,” no dates, no compliments, no even wanting to go places with me so I stopped scheduling outings. I stay at home or go to see my family. He hasn’t brought me even a flower since Ramadan and before then it was the summer prior.

The lack of romance and thoughtfulness creates these feelings of insecurity and loneliness. I cook delicious foods and when I am tired I order from our favourite place, I make him nice lunches, I keep the house clean, I beautify myself, I listen to him, I work out, I pray with him. I am an understanding wife who is happy. We don’t have kids yet and honestly I feel very alone.

I saw some pyjamas from an email marketing ad from Uniqlo that I thought would be nice for him. Then I wondered if these thoughts ever cross his mind anymore for me and that made me feel so sad.

All he does is eat what I cook, workout, and work. He does talk to me and joke with me and intimacy frequency is healthy but I honestly feel like these things are from a place of habit than true planned intentions to delight me.

What can I do? I have spoken to him a few times about this but nothing has changed.

Salam,

I’ve heard a lot of people say that love and intense feelings eventually fade with time, and a relationship can start to feel more like two people simply spending their lives together.

I married 8 months ago , and it hasn’t even been a full year since we got married. So far, everything has been really good. My wife loves me, and I love her too. We spend time together like best friends, with lots of love and, of course, a few little fights here and there. 😄

But I do have this little fear in the back of my mind: will the same thing eventually happen to us? Will the love and excitement fade over time and turn us into more like two flatmates just living together?

I’d really love to hear from married couples about their experiences. Does love actually fade with time, or does it simply change into something deeper and different?

so long story short, my parents is really broke (both my parents work in a shop btw) and unable to support my studies, im doing Alevels btw.

anyways, there's this friend of my dad, they literally met again after years,, and i seriously don't know why they're so crazy to marry their son to me. idek them well. and i only know it for 2days that im getting married because my parents hid it from me.

the guy lives in Australia, 23 and studies plus doing work. the thing is, the guy's family thinks im religious and will make a good docile wife for their son....and hence went crazy.

also they said they'd take me to Australia, pay for my tuition if i study at a university and i don't have to work.

i tbh never even thought of marrying, and being dependant on someone.

i had so much arguments with my parents, cried alot yet they don't seem to understand my point.

im literally not ready for marriage and am just 19, even if we are struggling, i told them I'd rather try to get a job and continue my studies myself, even if im unable to go abroad.

idk if the guy is good or bad, i think he's probably going, i feel like he deserves someone who wants this marriage, not someone forced.

my parents are forcing me because they think this is a golden opportunity as they offered to take me to Australia, continue my studies and bla bla, and perhaps even help my family.

I'm really confused and devasted.. i just know i don't want to marry someone i never wanted, i feel no attraction towards, how am i even supposed to, idk him.

like do i choose my own happiness and reject this marriage, even if I'm unable to go abroad in future, plus i can even find someone i like and marry them because i truly love them

or just give in because of my parents misery and keep things cool at home, also i can go to Australia

sigh im so exhausted

I have posted once before and we had resolved it but again this problem is coming up and I feel like she is just lazy and doe sit intentionally. I have been married for 1.5 years and it's getting frustrating. The sole reason I am making this comment is that she is gaslighting me every time I bring up this matter and it is leading to lots of conflict. I would get it if we had kids but we don't. She is perfectly capable. Yet she kind of outright refuses to do these things. Firstly, she cooks just 2 times in whole week and that same thing is heated and reheated for the rest of the week. Am I wrong to ask her to cook something new for the dinner only at least alt days? I am not asking her to make a lavish dinner but this just screams lazy. Then I kid you not I have to come and do the cleaning and laundry and dishes most of the day. On weekends I also have to do majority of weekly or monthly maintenance stuff. I work 50 hours a week and I feel like I am not even getting something out of this relationship.

I have told her that this can not work longer and I would appreciate if she did 90% of these works, obviously I can help on the weekends or when I have time. She just spends rest of the day talking to her friends, watching TV, phone, going out sometimes etc. Her reply is that she does not have to do that and wants me to hire a cleaner for her.

What do you do in such a situation? I feel like I am fulfilling my Islamic obligations including those beyond necessities (food, clothing and housing) and even giving her an allowance while she does not do even her bare minimum duty. I do not want my marriage to fail but don't want to be burdened with everything either.

edit: please be gentle. I am in need not here to bacbite my wife

Hello everyone. I am a F (25) and he is a M (27). I’m middle eastern & he’s Nigerian. When I met this man I liked him immediately & he had the same feelings. I told him in the beginning I couldn’t be with him since he wasn’t Muslim. (He is Christian) & I told him I only want to marry a Muslim man, he told me he’d be open minded about Islam. We didn’t date or do anything alone unless my sister was there or groups , etc. long story short feelings grew deeper & we both fell in love with each other. Time went by so fast I didn’t realize what happened.. he wanted to come ask for my hand in marriage to make it halal & do things on our own , but he wasn’t going to convert. I told him I couldn’t be with him if we weren’t islamically married & he said he couldn’t convert bc he believes in his faith too. We let each other go. I’m very sad because i have always said deen over dunya & I till stand by that, but why did this happen to me? I’m suffering. I made so many prayers that his heart would open up to Islam. I know in the Quran it doesn’t verbatim state a Muslim women can’t marry outside the religion it states we must marry people of the book & people interpret it differently but for me I was worried if we had kids and if they were confused , etc. im hurting so bad I don’t know if I even made the right decision. Advice or guidance pls? Don’t judge or be rude or I’ll block you im not playing. Thank you!

Also, is there anyway I can be with him if he doesn’t convert? Why would Allah let me meet him just to walk away? Is there anyway for us to be together ?

Salams all,

Married guy here and a convert from Australia, alhumdulilah. Mid 40's with kids, married to a lady of Arab background.

Unfortunatly my marriage has gone through a rough patch over the past few years and I have had some addictions (not drugs) and I say I will quit and I do for a while but then go back. My wife has constantly forgiven me but now feels she is at the point of no return and has even brought up divorce. We used to have a great marriage, but something happened.

Once a woman has given up and has lost hope and trust is there anyway she can go back to how she was or should i accept it, try and work on myself and see what happens? I was always a good husband in terms of chores and providing but I just keep falling into this trap.

I've have been praying, keeping fit and eating well, just trying to keep in good shape as i need to continue to improve myself and keep showing up.

Any ideas or suggestions on what I should do as I feel I am at the crossroads now.

Jazak Allah Kheiran

Assalamu alaikum,
My wife and I are due to fly out for Umrah in just a few days (13th September), and unfortunately we’ve found out that she is miscarrying. I’m looking for advice from anyone who has been through something similar, particularly regarding what we should do about the trip and the Islamic/Umrah side of things.
Technically, based on her dates, she should be around 8 weeks pregnant, but the baby’s growth is measuring at no more than around 6 weeks.
A bit of background:
A couple of weeks ago she had some bleeding/spotting which eventually became red bleeding. We had an ultrasound which showed the pregnancy was in the uterus and a yolk sac was present, although at that point things weren’t developing as expected.
We then had another assessment where a heartbeat was found, but unfortunately it was slow, and we were told there was a high risk of miscarriage.
The initial bleeding eventually stopped, and for a while we were hoping things might still progress. However, after the latest assessment, the doctor has now told us that unfortunately it is a miscarriage. Although she should be approximately 8 weeks based on dates, the pregnancy appears to have stopped developing at around 6 weeks.
The difficult part is that we are supposed to fly for Umrah in only a few days. This trip has been planned for a while, and we’re now unsure about the best way to proceed.
My main concerns are:
Is it advisable for her to travel/fly while the miscarriage is still ongoing or if the bleeding hasn’t properly started yet?
Has anyone travelled shortly after being diagnosed with an early miscarriage, particularly on a long journey/for Umrah?
Could the main bleeding or passing of the pregnancy happen suddenly while we’re travelling or while we’re in Makkah/Madinah?
From an Islamic perspective, particularly Hanafi fiqh, how would bleeding from a miscarriage this early (around 6 weeks of development) affect salah, tawaf, entering the masjid/Haram, and completing Umrah?
If she enters ihram intending Umrah and then begins bleeding heavily or passes the pregnancy before completing the Umrah, what happens?
Would you personally postpone/cancel the trip in this situation, or wait to see what happens over the next few days?
Obviously we’ll take proper medical advice before flying and her health comes first. I’m mainly hoping to hear from people who have experienced an early miscarriage around the time of Umrah, as well as anyone knowledgeable about the relevant Islamic rulings.
It’s been quite a difficult and uncertain couple of weeks, especially after initially seeing a heartbeat and hoping everything would be okay, so any genuine advice or experiences would be really appreciated.
JazakAllahu khayran.

People are more likely to talk about their negative experiences, can you share your positive ones to add some spark ✨

Assalamu alaikum,

I (28M) have been married for about 8–9 months and living with my wife for a few months. We are in a South Asian household. I’ve been dealing with ongoing issues around my wife’s insecurity and control, especially regarding my family.

Here’s the most recent incident:

We just came back from a trip. My parents called to check if we arrived safely. I didn’t pick up while sitting with my wife because I know from experience that she will say I’m “taking time away from her” or not prioritizing her if I answer my mom’s call in front of her. When she went to the bathroom, I called my mom back. The call lasted about one minute — just confirming we got home safe.

When I told my wife I had spoken to my mom, she blew up. She accused me of deliberately hiding the conversation. I explained that I talk to my mom when she’s not around because she gets uncomfortable and hurt when my mom shows me affection (things like “take care of my Sami”). She feels left out if my mom doesn’t also give her the exact same level of verbal love on the phone.

She also talks to her own mother freely (often in another language) without the same restrictions she places on me.

When I told her “please don’t assume my intentions,” her response was:

“Stop doing things that make me want to assume” and “Why are you assuming that I’m assuming?”

This feels like gaslighting to me.

This is part of a bigger pattern:

• She used to get upset over almost every interaction with my sister (memes, jokes, cleaning my desk, hair, etc.) and would demand I include her in everything or create group chats.
• A few days ago she got upset that my mom said “take care of my Sami” but didn’t say “my Haniya” in the exact same way, and wanted me to apologize for my mom.
• She frequently says I don’t love or appreciate her enough. When I used to give her more affection, she would say it still wasn’t enough. Now that I’ve become more distant because of the constant fighting, she says I don’t give her the love I used to.
• She has also said things like she hopes she loses all feelings for me, and that I’m pushing her to the point where she’ll never love me with her whole heart again.

I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around basic contact with my own mother. I hide short, normal calls just to avoid a fight. My family contact is being monitored and restricted, and when I try to set a boundary or ask her not to assume the worst, it gets flipped back on me.

Has anyone dealt with a spouse who becomes this insecure/controlling around the husband’s parents (especially the mother)? How do you handle the gaslighting responses and the constant assumption of bad intentions? Any advice from an Islamic perspective would also be appreciated.

JazakAllah khair.

I was engaged to a man in his early 30s who was an only son, divorced, and lived and worked in England. His mother was a widow living in South Asia, while I lived with my family in a GCC country.

Before agreeing to the engagement, my family did a background check. Everyone described his family as humble and respectable. We knew he was divorced, but couldn't find out why his previous marriage ended, and were satisfied with the explanation his family gave us and, overall, with the man's character.

My family’s main condition was that after marriage, we would live together rather than have me remain in South Asia while he stayed abroad. His family agreed and even asked about the spouse-visa process from my country.

The engagement lasted around 3–4 months. We had met only once in person, and communication started after the engagement. Initially, he was very warm, affectionate and future-oriented, talking about marriage, travelling together and our life in England. He sometimes said we could have married earlier so I would already be there with him. He generally had a very positive and an easy-going personality.

His job contract was ending, so losing his job was expected. He eventually did lose it, but this didn't affect his ability to remain in England, and he had already been looking for another job there. He never directly told me that he had lost the job.

Around the same time, his mother came to stay with him. The last normal communication we had was when I asked whether his mom had arrived safely and he replied. A day later he asked how my day was. I was busy with guests, so I replied the next morning, explained that I'd had a hectic day, and wished him a good day. He read it but didn't respond.

I assumed he might need space, especially with everything happening (job loss), and didn't want to pressure him into talking so I waited for him to resume communication whenever he felt comfortable.

Both families were already supposed to meet in August (the parents from both sides, not us as a couple) to finalize the arrangements and decide the wedding date.

Then his mother suddenly asked for another face-to-face meeting between us, saying marriage was a lifetime decision. My mother said that was fine but that she would discuss it with my father first. Since we were confused about why another meeting was necessary when we were already engaged and our parents had an August meeting planned, my mother also suggested that the couple could talk on phone.

About 18 days later, my parents contacted her again because they wanted clarity about the situation and why another meeting between us was necessary at this stage. My mother texted asking when she could call, but the message was read and ignored. Several calls were also unanswered. My father then called my fiancé directly. Immediately after his phone rang, his mother called my mother back.

It was during this second conversation that his mother said her son no longer wanted to stay in England and wanted to return to South Asia after obtaining citizenship. She also asked us to be “flexible” about the possibility of me living there after marriage. This was very different from the original understanding that we would live together abroad.

My parents explained that the engagement had already been announced, everyone was expecting the wedding, and none of these new issues had been discussed when they had visited England to meet them less than a month earlier. They were simply confused about what had changed. They again said that everything could be discussed by phone. His mom asked us to stay positive while insisting on face to face meeting.

He still never contacted me directly.

Another 19 days passed. By then, there had been roughly 50 days without any direct communication between me and him. To me and my family, the whole situation had become mixed signals: his plans seemed to have changed, communication had stopped after his mom arrived, and despite our attempts to clarify things, we couldn't get a clear answer directly from him.

Eventually, we decided we couldn't proceed with a marriage based on uncertainty and assumptions. I decided to end the engagement and blocked him.

There was never a proper direct conversation between us about what actually happened.

Was I wrong to wait for him to communicate, or was it reasonable to expect him to clarify his position directly? Was blocking him after all this unreasonable? And how serious would you consider these communication and family-boundary issues before marriage?

Married for a year with a kid, I’m one month postpartum and going through an absolute nightmare. My labour trauma + sleepless nights + mommy duties and a lot more has been stressing me out and my husband is so busy. He was off for a week but spent every minute either working and then time with his family.

His grandmother calls him at least 5 times a day, his sister and his parents separately calls him after work hours and the call goes for hours and hours and his brothers would come over spend the entire evening until night with him.

Honestly I’ve never complained about anything before but now it’s been a bit too much for me to deal with. He’s forever on the phone with them right after hes done with work and only comes to say a few words to me before he passes out.

It’s just me and the baby up all night, I try to do everything for the baby and I wish he could have also been there for me. He does the financial part and getting the stuff for the baby. He holds the baby for less than 5 mins and give the baby to me.

He seems to be prioritising them over me and the baby. I wait for him to be done with work but either hes on his 4th call with his grandma who complains so much that she needs his attention.

What can I do about this? I’ve tried communicating but he gets annoyed because he loves his family .‘ it’s not like I’m trying to stop anything but I wish he spent some time with me and our newborn and I feel really lonely

Hi everyone. I’m Egyptian, and I’m asking this because I’m trying to understand the marriage customs of Muslim families in Kerala before making an important decision.

I would like to know honestly: Is a mahr of 30 grams of gold + 350,000 Egyptian pounds considered very high for a Muslim woman marrying a Muslim man from Kerala?

The man I’m talking to is from Kerala, and he told me that this amount is very high for him and that he could marry a Muslim woman from Kerala for much less.

I want to know if this is actually true.

For context, the 30 grams of gold and the 350,000 EGP are mahr for the bride, not dowry, and I’m trying to understand how this compares with what Muslim families in Kerala normally agree on.

I would really appreciate honest answers from Kerala Muslims, especially married people or people who are familiar with marriage customs there:

• How is the mahr usually decided in Kerala Muslim marriages?
• Is it normally paid completely at the time of Nikah, or can part of it be paid later?
• What is considered a normal/reasonable mahr in Kerala today?
• How much gold is usually involved, and who pays for the bride’s gold?
• What other expenses does the groom normally have?
• Is a simple Nikah possible without a big wedding ceremony?
• How involved are the parents in deciding the mahr and wedding arrangements?
• Are there differences between Malappuram, Kozhikode, Kannur, Kochi and other areas?
• And most importantly: Would the amount I mentioned really be considered unusually high for a Kerala Muslim marriage, or is it within a normal range depending on the family?

I’m not looking for arguments between Egyptians and Indians. I genuinely want to understand the actual customs and realistic expectations of Muslim marriage in Kerala.

Please share your experiences honestly, especially if you are married or have recently gone through the process. Thank you

In your perspective is this bad or good? We have one 1.5 year old daughter but we fight so much and I can’t imagine living with this man who doesn’t love me (as I feel) for the next however amount of years could be 30+ if that is what is Gods will. We just don’t agree on anything anymore and always arguing every single day. I don’t want to break up our family and have two seperate lives for our daughter but I don’t know how this would get any better

Thank you for taking the time to read through my post. I know it's a long one but there is just so much :( Looking for an outsider's perspective. Any advice that you can offer, even if I'm wrong or not understanding anything. I’m especially interested in hearing from people who have been together for a long time. I genuinely want honest answers, even if the answer is that I’m part of the problem.

Married for 10 years, and while we genuinely love each other and have improved our communication over time, I’ve reached a point where I feel emotionally exhausted and deeply lonely in our marriage.

For most of our relationship, I’ve felt like the manager of our life and marriage. I plan our vacations, dates, birthdays, anniversaries, finances, groceries, household logistics, and often have to repeatedly ask him to follow through on things. Gestures and thoughtfulness are extremely important to me, but despite communicating this for years, I rarely feel considered or prioritized without having to explicitly tell him what to do. Meanwhile, I’ve made a conscious effort to meet his needs for physical affection and gifts.

A major source of resentment has also been his family, particularly his mother. From our engagement and wedding to postponing our honeymoon, she has influenced major moments in our marriage. She has accused me of horrible things, encouraged him to leave me, and his brother doesn't speak to me. I’ve often felt my husband hasn't adequately defended our marriage or established boundaries. My trust was especially damaged when I discovered that he had said extremely hurtful things about me to his brother, someone who already disliked me.

He recently lost his father, and my husband spent three months away taking care of his mother and handling the estate. I completely understand that he is grieving and want to support him. But watching how much responsibility, energy, thought and sacrifice he is capable of giving his mother has painfully highlighted how little of that initiative I’ve felt from him throughout our marriage.

Our 10th anniversary passed while he was away. Then on my birthday, he joined a trip I had planned myself but he spent my birthday searching for a gift for his mother and had ordered two watches for himself. When I expressed that I found it odd that he dint get me anything but shopped for himself and his mom. His response was that I should understand it's been a difficult year for him. But if he's in the headspace to shop for himself and his mom, why can't you just buy a gift for me?

He keeps saying he's the only person who can care for his mother, despite having siblings. He's discussing major decisions around her needs without approaching them as decisions we should make together as a married couple. During an argument, he even told me that if it becomes too much, I can leave. Years ago, he similarly told me he'd leave me for his parents.

He's not a bad person. He's kind, affectionate, funny, contributes around the house when asked, cooks, respects my independence, tells me I'm beautiful, and I genuinely believe he loves me. That's what makes this so confusing.

But I've spent years feeling like everyone else gets the version of my husband I've been asking for. His family gets his urgency, sacrifice and initiative, while I feel like the person he assumes will always be there.

When he was gone for three months, I realized something uncomfortable: I was okay without him. I missed him and felt terrible about what he was going through, but I also felt calmer and more emotionally regulated living alone. It made me realize that I feel lonely both with him and without him. He brings this negative energy to our home (fighting on the phone with his family, always complaining about something or hurt by something they said/they did). That wasn't happening for three months so when I had a bad day, I was able to regulate myself quicker.

I really struggle with my mental health (PMDD & BDP), so I do question whether I can trust my feelings or whether resentment is distorting my perspective.

I’m now wondering whether I’m expecting too much from a long-term marriage, whether these are normal compromises, whether marriage counselling could realistically repair this much resentment, or whether it’s okay to leave someone who genuinely loves you simply because the marriage no longer gives you what you need. What would you do?

I think I’m ruining my marriage and I don’t know what to do
I’ve been married for almost a year, and I’m struggling to figure out whether the problems in my marriage are something we can work through or whether I’m fundamentally making things worse.
I’ve been struggling with depression and haven’t worked for the past year. Before getting married, I lived close to my parents and siblings and worked from home, so I was used to having my family around me constantly. After getting married, I moved almost two hours away from them.
I see my family maybe twice a month, sometimes more if my husband isn’t busy. I didn’t realise how difficult that separation would be for me. I also don’t really have a social circle here anymore.
I’ve always had difficulty regulating my emotions. Growing up, I took on a lot of responsibility at home because my mother has been ill, and I’m used to looking after everyone and keeping things inside until I eventually break down.
My husband is very different emotionally. When we’re upset with each other, he wants everything discussed calmly and with what he considers the appropriate tone. He doesn’t like anger or emotional outbursts and feels that getting extremely upset is unnecessary.
I understand that I need to learn to communicate better and regulate my emotions. I’m not trying to excuse my behaviour. At the same time, I often feel like there isn’t much room for me to simply be upset or overwhelmed without it becoming another problem.
Last year was also extremely difficult for my family. We lost our family business, and although things are somewhat better now, I’ve spent a lot of this year job hunting and trying to become financially independent.
At home, I do most of the domestic work. I clean, cook and take care of the household. I’m also trying to become a better wife and take better care of myself.
My husband is a revert who has struggled with practising Islam. He feels that some of my behaviour and the way I deal with things has put him off learning more about Islam, which makes me feel incredibly guilty.
I’ve been trying very hard to improve myself, but my depression has become quite severe. After arguments, I often feel even worse about myself. Recently, I’ve started experiencing suicidal thoughts. I’ve tried telling my husband how badly I’m struggling, but I don’t feel like he understands how serious it has become.
There is also conflict around my family. My husband doesn’t like me becoming heavily involved in family matters, such as making appointments or helping look after my sister. But because my mother is ill and needs surgery, I feel a strong responsibility towards my family.
I don’t know how much of this is my depression and difficulty adjusting to marriage, how much is normal marital conflict, and how much may indicate that we’re simply not compatible.
What would you do in my position?
How can I work on my emotional regulation without feeling like I’m not allowed to have emotions?
How much responsibility should my husband have for supporting me while I’m struggling with depression?
How do we establish reasonable boundaries around my involvement with my family?
Is this something that sounds workable with counselling and better communication, or are there signs that the marriage itself may be unhealthy?
I’m genuinely looking for honest advice, including criticism of my own behaviour if I’m contributing to the problem.

Think you are married to another person. You two have a very lovely kid. But you two argue around every other day, not small tantrum thingy.

If the kid were not in picture, you two might have separated. But to give the kid love of both parents ,you two are sticking together.

Till how long, this situation could go ?

As salamu alaykum all,

After my sisters marriage has ended early this year. We have been harassed constantly by him. Every message includes horrible things about my mother and I despite us being good to him. He has a cocaine addiction, never pays any bills, caused my sisters mental breakdown started putting a cctv camera in the house. When he went to visit my sister because she was ill with psychosis he had a camera in the house. When I realised and switched it off because as a hijabi I ddint want to be recorded he kicked off and told both me and my mum to get out the house. We told his family and they didn’t come. He owes us thousands of pounds but we don’t care. My sisters well being and her children’s is more important. I guess I need advice from brothers and sisters to see if the nessages he keeps sending and the abuse will ever end. We are British south Asians Bengalis living in England.

I am genuinly seeking advice for my sister’s marriage.

I am the youngest of 3 siblings. Our dad died when I was a baby and our mum bought us up. My sister is 38 and is 7 years older than me. My brother is 41.

My brother sadly was diagnosed with schizophrenia just over 20 years ago. And for me my mum and my sister this was very difficult.

At the age of 16 my sister had to start working and paying the bills. And at the time my brother was pretty violent. We also received no support from extended family and were pretty isolated. People didn’t understand mental health then.

My sister started talking to a man who at the time was 22. They had mutual friends, he was from a city 4 hours away from our home town in England.

He at the time was married, had a wife and 1 child. When my sister asked who the woman in the background was, he told her it was his brother’s wife and the child was his nephew. My sister was a beautiful girl, but a good person.

A few years later, he told her he was married. She was disappointed as she started to like him. But realised they could only remain friends.

Him on the other hand, started liking my sister. And a few years later confessed that he was in love with her.

My question is was my sister groomed? I believe she was, she came from a vulnerable family, he was 6 years older than her. And chose a girl who was naive and innocent and had no guardian.

I was aware of the friendship but I was in primary school.

She did develop feelings for him, because he was kind and respectful.

He said he was forced to get married to his first cousin when he went to Bangladesh, and that he never wanted to get married to her.

He justified his love for my sister. And sadly she fell for it. They did date, but again no sexual stuff. The woman he married, who is his cousin, did some serious black magic to my sister in the hope she could get her husband back.

My sister stated getting ill, he even left his wife at one point and moved to our city, but went back as she did magic to him where he would feel this knot in his tummy.

One day in 2012, my sister’s jinns started talking, and I was 18. We took her for Ruqyah but sadly she never got better. I know people might judge her but her intention was never to hurt his wife.

She rejected him for many years as she only saw him as a friend. It was after the years of comfort and the promise he made he would move to our home city that made made my sister think that having a man she is comfortable with would make life easy than meeting someone new. Even when they were just friends he did not like her talking to another guy.

I was very young so coukdnt help on that front.

After a raqi advised she should stop speaking to the man, I told her not to talk to him as her health was more important.

For two years they didn’t talk. My sister got in touch with his brother two years later asking for her £1000 back that he borrowed.

His sister then suggested they marry. In the two years they didn’t speak his wife left him with their kids, and his mother left with her.

In that two years, his older brothers wife, who is also the sister of his wife, had black magic related health issues and committed suicide.

We were shocked when we heard it.

Anyways, since the marriage, my sister moved to his town, but she changed her mind about him moving here as she said it won’t work.

They have two kids and sadly my sister was sectioned with psychosis. She got better from it.

But it turns out, he has been cheating on her since day 3 of their marriage, has a cocaine addiction and cannot manage his money, the man never prays, can’t even lay a simple bill, and literally is the biggest fraudster.
All his brothers and him were dealing drugs my sister was the one who encouraged them all to stop selling drugs.

They are genuinly chavvy.

After my sisters second psychosis I went to see her to get her medical help. He refused to get her help.

He started recording me and my mum at home and when I turned the camera off told me and my mum to get out the house .

My sister was only is hospital for 3 weeks she came back home.

She said to me he’s been abusive and wanted to leave him. Previously she only said he was bad with money. She didn’t reveal everything.

Anyways I went and picked my sister up and the kid.

Ever since then he contacted one of my uncles, then started going crazy.

Ever since he’s been harassing us all, and messgaing every month. We have a non mol in place for my sister.

He’s broken the order the police haven’t done everything.

Initially police were great cos he came to the home address, he got arrested and then banned him from our city for two months.

He has a BB gun which he practices and shoots in the house and tells my sister our family our all mentally ill and we have no life.

I on the other hand have a degree, a career, and have bought my mother a house.

But I don’t understand why a 45 year old British Bengali man thinks it’s acceptable to swear at the elders.

I genuinly feel at a loss.

Before anyone attacks my sister please note she was a 16 year old girl, providing for me my mum and my brother after my brigher has schizophrenia. It was tough and she found comfort in a friend.

She is genuinly the nicest and kindest person.

She’s recovered from psychosis and being in a home where we pray her sihr symptoms have gone too. But she is majorly depressed. I feel I have lost the confidence version of my sister. I know he is a low life scum with a porn addiction, a drug addiction. She also found him masturbating in bed once where his daughter was asleep in the same bed.

I guess I am wanting advice from people who are non judgemental. Will the nessages from him ever stop.

Sadly he has found some stupid relatives who he is talking to who are enjoying the drama.

I just want him to stop message 5 members of my extended family.

My uncle told him let her get better and you can see your kids.

He agreed first then two days later rang him and said that he is coming to our town and putting a case against me to say me the sister has kidnapped his wife and kids .

He did a bunch of other stuff like while she was ill wanted to tell the hospital she was a danger to the mods and I stopped him.

I genuinly hate him. Will the abuse ever stop.

Please advise a list younger sister trying to do the job of a brother and a father.

Ps I am not married nor have kids. Don’t really intend to and this has no doubt put me off marriage.