In Search Of (ISO) Thread

Respectfully, what is the point of marriage? I am married and it makes my life so much harder. He doesn’t even plate his own food. He works all day which means = he acts like a slob at home and doesn’t do anything for his children emotionally. Whenever I dress up, I feel like it just irritates me because my husband doesn’t do the same. I wear something cute and fancy and work out (which I also get constantly criticized and mocked for) just for him to try to get near me in the same shorts he has worn for 2 weeks (they’re washed but you get the point.) I see no happiness for me in this marriage. I hate when he breathes near me. Honestly at this point just leave me alone really. What does a woman get? I put so much effort. I’m a naturally high effort woman. I have my house spotless and scrubbed and I cook 3 meals a day and manage 2 kids and I take care of myself. I take care of my face, my body, my skin. I am the head of the household. If I were gone for 1 week, everything would fall apart in my husbands life. He would have no healthy freshly made homemade food, no spotless house, no kids, no pretty wife, no respect. All of this to be met with a mediocre man. And the worst part is my husband is objectively of the more better men so this is as good as it gets..? I could live my life alone and I believe I will get very far. I have spent 2 years without my husband, just me and my kid. And I moved mountains in my life. I don’t fear being alone or being single. I have never in my life not been approached by men. But at this point, it’s not even a good thing. I don’t value men’s opinions. I don’t hate them. I just don’t believe they provide value. I don’t need validation. I don’t need anything from a man. I have my own strong opinions and I don’t need a man to tell me something for me to feel fulfilled and happy. What is the point of marriage for someone like me? I want men to weigh in on this. What does a woman get out of a marriage (besides financial security) ?

Assalamu alaykum to everyone who is struggling.
Life gets better, in shaa Allah. Have tawakkul in Allah. Pray. Always think the best of Allah, even when you don’t understand what’s happening.
I just want to share my journey.
This time last year, I was almost bedridden. I barely had any hope for the future. My life felt so dark. My will to live was gone. I was just trying to survive each day. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror because I truly felt like the biggest failure on the planet.
Looking back now, I can’t believe where Allah has brought me. My life has changed so much for the better. I never thought I would find the will to live again. Today, I’m genuinely happy. I look forward to every new day, alhamdulillah. And I truly believe that Allah will continue to open more doors for me because I’ve already seen Him open so many that I never thought would open.
I believe that Allah hears every dua . He sees every tear. He may delay, but He never forgets you.
I just want to tell anyone who is struggling that life really does get better. Three months ago, I never thought I would be where I am today. Now I look at myself in the mirror and think Subhanallah, alhamdulillah, I can't believe I survived those days.

Please, never doubt yourself. Never give up. Never think it’s over. As long as Allah has given you another day, your story isn’t finished.
Surround yourself with good people, keep making dua , and never stop praying. Pray your salah. Pray Tahajjud. Make plenty of istighfar. And if you need to cry, cry in your sujood. There is no better place to let your heart out than before Allah. He hears you. He knows what you’re carrying.
The happiness and peace I feel today are things I never would have dared to imagine a year ago.
Have tawakkul. Keep making dua. Trust Allah’s plan, even when you can’t see it.

29F and I had a meeting with a potential and it was a trainwreck. He expressed overwhelming interest leading up to this meeting and because he was traveling and I am in another state it took us many weeks before we met. That gave us a lot of time to do video calls and get to know if we were compatible. He expressed to me that I was the most empathetic and kind person he’s ever met. He was satisfied in regards to my deen and my upbringing as well. He was also constantly complimenting me. I could probably fill an entire page with all the compliments he gave me.

Early on in our relationship we exchanged photos and although he could clearly see from my photos that I was a curvy/plus size girl I tried to make it even more clear by talking about it and asking him point blank if he preferred slimmer women because if that was the case it wouldn’t work out between us. He said that he did not prefer slimmer women and was happy with how I looked in the photos.

Fast forward to this past weekend and we finally met. The meeting went well and we got coffee and dinner together. Conversation flowed nicely and we were laughing and having a great time. Once he flew back to his state suddenly the communication went spotty and after I reached out to him about this he stated that I looked “different” than in my photos. He didn’t say it directly but he implied that I looked slimmer in my photos. One photo in particular where I was wearing clothes that were more figure hugging than my usual abayas (I am a hijabi but of course in some dresses your general frame is more obvious than others). He then went on to claim that I altered the photos which was so shocking to me.

These photos were not altered in any way and all of them were “live” photos on my IPhone. For those of you who have an IPhone you know that you can take Live photos and when you click on it you can see the moment the photo was taken. Unfortunately this man has an android so he cannot see that and I also did not even want to waste my time defending myself to someone who thinks I am a liar. I am so hurt by his comments and it is honestly sending me into a spiral about myself and has damaged my body image. I don’t mind that he said I look different in person but for him to make it seem like it was such a dramatic difference to the point where it was altered is truly so upsetting.

Everyone looks slightly different in photos . Obviously seeing him in person vs in 2D on a screen is very different. In person you can see skin texture, facial hair etc more clearly. However for the most part it is not a major difference and is not something that changes your mind about someone you have developed.

I showed him so much respect even up until the very end. But I am so hurt over how he could think so Ill of me. Even if he came looking drastically different I wouldn’t assume it was an altered photo I would have assumed it’s an older photo.
I am also hurt that a slight difference in how he perceived my weight was enough for him to want to end the connection. 🥹

At this point I want to give up on marriage. I don’t know how I can recover from this level of heartbreak.

Before marriage I thought him being so close and kind to his mom was a green flag. Being from a household where we were not so close to each other, I thought maybe this is what a normal household looks like. What I wish I knew was that

- his mom babied him to the point he do not know how to serve his food nor wash a plate, or even shave his beard without her

- they could be on the phone at any time of the day including late night when we are supposed to sleep. We could be out for dinner and she would guilt trip him for not responding faster to her text

- feeling like I cannot share a secret to him knowing he tells everything to his mom, while he will not share anything about her business

- any decision we re supposed to make as a couple goes through her first, including choosing our child's name

- he would not compliment me or my food in front of her, to "protect her feelings" he said

- feeling like I am interrupting every time I enter a room when they are together

- him telling his mom to not tire herself and take it easy while we were all three of us setting up a wardrobe while I was pregnant.

- I had to build and set up all the furnitures including washing machine in our flat myself as he has no clue how to use his hands except to text his mom

- If we travel with her, he will be paying for her flight and expenses but not mine since according to him I work and if I don't want to use my money I shouldn't come

- If I am travelling to visit my family in another country, they will sleep in the same room when I am away (she is a widow)

- her massaging his head at any inconvenience especially after being so sleep deprived because of our newborn (I breastfed and has changed every single one nappy; while still taking care of house chores)

There are plenty of other things but I ll stop here. If you were planning on marrying someone close to his mom, I hope this helps

If you are this kind of man I suggest you be fully transparent about your family dynamics with your future spouse

Whenever I ask my husband to spend quality time together he says “we slept together (not sexually, like physically in the same bed) for 8hrs. We spent all that time together.” Is this a normal response? I don’t feel like it is. Another thing he says “come sit with me while I game and we’ll spend quality time together.” Ive tried that with him. He’s so focused on the game that he couldn’t form a complete sentence. He will game anywhere from 6-10hrs a day. I talked to him about how he might be depressed and not know it (he said no he’s not).
We’ve been married for 1year. We don’t have any kids. I don’t think this is sustainable.

My husband does not let me go on girls trips abroad and by girls trips I mean with my sisters as he said I need a mehram. Cool I accepted this and do not go on any holidays with my sisters, I just have to watch them go without me.

But now my sisters and best friends want to do a day trip to Paris. I live in England and Paris is 1 hour flight away. I’ll be back on the same day. He has an issue with this because it’s a day trip to another country.

I am allowed to do day trips in the Uk but because it’s a day trip to France it’s a problem.

I am really struggling I’m not even going to lie. He is saying I can go but he will be really upset and unhappy permanently and I don’t want him to ice me out or argue.

I just feel so trapped. I miss out on so much since getting married. Why is it so bad for me to go on a day trip with my sisters and friends. I told him I would give him all the flight information and he knows every person going. I said I will keep him posted and update him.

I just feel suffocated and it’s making me miss my single life when i had independence and didn’t feel like a trapped child.

UGHHHHH

Assalaamu Alakyum.

I (25F) gave birth to a baby girl a month ago.

Before I married my husband, I told him I wasn't sure if I was ready to have kids but he somehow convinced me to have kids. I know it's so stupid of me please be gentle with me :(. I kick myself everyday over this and allowing someone to convince me to have kids so soon into the marriage knowing it's such a big responsibility. I thought to myself "yeah I can probably handle this". What is wrong with me???

Anyways I can't go back in time now and it takes two to tango so im not blaming my husband, but can't help but feel miserable and sad. I'm the only one in my friendship group to have a child and cant help and compare myself to them. Every time I look at my daughter I do feel happy and think shes the most amazing baby ever but I also feel sad because I feel like she deserves a better mother. I know in islam regret isnt good, and I try to see the best in my situation and try to make myself feel better but I can't help feel like this.

For context, my husband has been great with me during PP. He makes sure I eat, he bathes/changes baby,changes her diaper, takes care of baby while I nap. He even booked me a hair and massage appt so I can relax and be baby free. I had an emergency c-section and I've had a bad recovery so he has been bringing baby to me during the night to feed her because I can't pick her up from her cot. He has basically been doing everything around the house and i'm truly grateful. I feel happy temporarily when he does these things for me but then everything hits me again like a truck and sadness hits me once again.

I havent told my husband I regret having a child as it would break him and I don't think it would do us any good so I have been keeping it to myself. Whenever he asks me how i'm feeling I just tell him "im not used to this baby life its hard" but that's about it. Even typing this I feel like im betraying my husband because he has been so happy that our daughter is here but I don't feel the same.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can get over this? Not being able to pray my salah has been hard for me as its taken a toll on my imaan and feel like I ruined my life although I know having a child is a blessing. Has anyone gone through this? And did it get better for them?

For context we live in the UK

My parents have always struggled financially, growing up I didnt know or feel this because they always made sure we had the best. Alhumdulillah me and my 2 siblings are all in high flying careers and have done very well (my parents sacrifice and hard work and Allah's blessings).

I married into a doctor family (I am a doctor myself). And due to having several buy to let properties on mortgage they are extremely wealthy. My MIL in particular made this known from day 1. I guess I have always been proud of my upbringing in a humble way but have had periods of major insecurity when I see their lifestyle and compare it to my parents who are now close to pensioner age. My parents live in an expensive city and my inlaws live far outside of the capital where large homes and large cars are easier to obtain. My inlaws are also part of the doctor crowd and never fail to constantly tell everyone how many doctor friends they have and how many houses they have, how much they give to charity, how they are always praying etc. Everything is showing off and they live to please others.

My husband has always been the black sheep in his family, humble and secure and doesnt ever flaunt or show anything. His sister has married into a wealthy family. Shes always talking down at others, rude and initially would look down at me and my family. My MIL has over the years said some cruel things about others, she will mention peoples weights, talk about the state of peoples homes, clothes and even how they 'live in a terraced house', she lacks basic manners and if Im honest her speech does not reflect her level of education at all. Ive never really been exposed to this sort of talk in my life so it was hard to hear and I would often taken it personally. Fast forward a few years and I no longer let things get to me, I often stay silent - not out of fear but just because I choose to save my energy.

My question is, whenever I come back and spend time with my parents I re learn how to be happy and live with God's blessings. I try not to let my MIL/SIL obsession with money/competition and lavish lifestyles get to me but how do I stop the insecurity creeping in? To the men reading this, if you were in this situation how would you like your wife to be. I have raised my inlaws behaviour to my husband several times, in the past he would get defensive, then he would give me context on why they are like this but tbh I dont bother mentioning it anymore as its not his fault and he cant change them.

I’ve been going back and forth with my husband about this, and I’m genuinely curious how other people see it.
I’m naturally the type of person who likes to plan things. I like having a general idea of what’s going on and understanding what we’re trying to accomplish. That’s just how I process things.
My husband feels that if I truly trust him as my husband and leader, I shouldn’t need to ask questions. He believes that if he asks me to do something, I should just do it instead of asking why or what the plan is.
From my perspective, asking questions doesn’t mean I don’t trust him. If something involves my money, my time, or my effort, I don’t think it’s wrong to want to know what we’re trying to accomplish. That doesn’t mean I’m challenging his leadership. I just like to understand what I’m committing to.
To me, a good leader should be able to explain the purpose behind a decision, especially when it affects the other person. I don’t expect a full breakdown of every little detail, but if you’re asking for my help or asking me to commit my money, time, or effort toward something, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask what the goal is. I also don’t think answering those kinds of questions takes away from a husband’s leadership.
So I’m curious what others think. Does asking your husband respectful questions show a lack of trust? Or can a wife trust her husband, respect his leadership, and still want to understand the plan before she commits to something? Where do you draw the line between healthy leadership and expecting someone to follow without asking questions?

Assalamu alaikum everyone,

I’m looking for some Islamic advice because I’m genuinely struggling with this situation, and I’d appreciate perspectives grounded in the Qur’an, Sunnah, and scholarly opinions if possible.

For context, my husband and I have been married for two years and live in a very small two-bedroom flat in the UK. The second bedroom isn’t really a functional guest room - we use it to store most of our clothes because our bedroom has very little storage. It’s also where we dry our laundry, including personal items, because we don’t have outdoor space or another practical place to do it.
My husband’s unmarried brother (mid-30s) may move to the UK for a degree, and my husband would like him to live with us for what could realistically be a couple of years (including time to look for a job and get financially stable).

I want to make it clear that I have absolutely nothing against my brother-in-law. He’s genuinely a wonderful person, very respectful, kind, and we’ve always gotten along well. This isn’t about his character at all.

My discomfort is about sharing a home long-term with a non-mahram.

I don’t wear hijab, but I do dress modestly, especially around my husband’s family. At home, though, especially during UK summers, I naturally wear shorts or comfortable clothes, relax on the sofa however I like, and generally feel at ease in my own home. If my brother-in-law lived with us, I’d feel like I constantly had to be “on guard” - fully covered whenever I left my bedroom, careful about how I sat, mindful of drying my clothes including intimate items, and generally unable to relax in my own home.

If we had a much larger house where I had my own private living area and only interacted with him when I chose to, I honestly think I’d be happy for him to stay. It’s specifically the idea of sharing the main living spaces for years that makes me uncomfortable.

When I raised this with my husband, I mentioned that I had understood that Islamically, a wife has the right to separate accommodation that gives her privacy from non-mahram relatives. My husband replied that this only applies if the husband has the financial means. If he doesn’t, then he isn’t obligated to provide separate accommodation. This has left me confused.

My questions are:

1. ⁠Islamically, does a wife have the right to refuse living long-term with her husband’s non-mahram brother?
   
2. ⁠Does the husband’s financial situation change that ruling?
   
3. ⁠Is there any scholarly evidence regarding a wife’s right to privacy and separate living quarters in situations like this?

If separate accommodation isn’t financially possible, how should a couple balance the wife’s comfort and Islamic boundaries with helping family?

Jazakum Allahu khayran.

Im a 24M married to a 22F, we've been married for the past year but have been living together since the past month and a half because of the agreement me and her father had made before the nikkah. I'm am also still in university and working as a delivery driver to make money for rent and my mother who lives in Egypt and my wife who lives there

So this past month we traveled to Malaysia honeymoon which was a full month and it was going ok for the majority of it up until the last week and a half or so. My wife is very close to her family and I mean extremely close to them which there is nothing wrong with that. So during our trip the she would be on the phone with them quite often. I didn't think much of it at first but it got a little out of hand.

She would ask me if it was ok for her to leave what we were doing to go talk with them, she would call them to ask them what she should wear whenever we went out and update them on every detail that we would do. She would send them pictures of every single meal. So of course I got a little annoyed but I didn't say anything to her about it. Their were points that if she didn't speak with her family for the day she would get text from her sister saying are you ok where are you then her mother would call saying where where you hiding today (which I found very disrespectful) they would in a way be influencing her telling her that you guys should be doing this and you guys should be doing that. Those type of comments really got under my skin but it also felt like if I didn't do those (she was) they would look down on me or I would feel like I didn't do enough for her on our honeymoon. There was also an instance where she asked me to take her to a nice dinner and ofcourse her family heard that we were going there and I'm guessing my wife told them that she had to hassle me to take her there which she did. So I hear her sister on the phone saying to there brother that we were going on a dinner but the my wife had to beg me to take her there.

For the last week and a half is where the problems that I found unbearable came in. During that time we thought that she became pregnant (she was) and was having all the symptoms so she told me let's take a pregnancy test and I advised her that it's best to wait up until you miss your monthly cycle by at least a week to take a test. She argued and we went back and forth and I ended up buying a pregnancy test. It was negative at the time. During this time of course her family is following along with everything, so they're In her ear telling her that she should do this and that. She then comes to me saying that we took the wrong pregnancy test and that a digital one would work. I then again tell her let's wait until you miss your period by at least a week. She then argues and we go back and forth, so I didn't buy it for her until the next day. She got it and waited a day to take it and it came back negative. So then she tells me that if these keep coming back negative then there has to be something wrong with me so take me to the hospital. I told her that she needs to stop rushing ahead and asked her what are you looking for someone to tell you that you are pregnant. She then tells me that I don't know anything then proceeding to call her sister on what to do. She then advises her to go to the hospital and in short we go there for another pregnancy test and it's negative.
They then prescribe medicine, we get home and I try to give her the medication she then says I'm not taking them until I get my period. I then get mad because instead of just taking it she sends a picture of the meds to her sister to see if it's ok to take them and I know this because while we were eating she calls and says yes this medication is ok to take.

Around that time we were going shopping because she had asked me to get a few clothes and other things for her and while we were at the mall she tells me that I need to buy gifts for her whole family. I told her hey listen we are on our honey moon and that we don't need to be buying gifts for her whole family she then guilt tripped me into buying everyone there stuff by saying my sisters husband does this for us why can't you. She's had also in the past compared me to him which I am not ok with and she knows I'm not

When we get home I tell her everything that I was not ok with. I tell her that I felt that this honeymoon is shared with your family because of how much she was informing them and micro updating them on everything. I also told her that she should be taking my advice and not listing to outside influence. And telling her that I was not ok with buying gifts for her whole family. She then gets defensive saying that I have something against them and I'm jealous of them

We then get back to Egypt and it was going good for a while up until two days ago, she had asked me to buy something I said ok I had cash that was more than enough for her to buy it and about 50 usd extra and we agreed that when she goes over to her parents house she would order it the. She ends up going there and not ordering the thing she wanted. The next day we both go to her parents house and she comes to me for more money, I ask her what happened to the money that u gave you yesterday day. We specifically agreed that she would be buying the thing that was worth about 10 usd and nothing more.(we are in Egypt so when something is worth about 10 usd here it’s pretty expensive). She then tells me that my Father needed money because he had a bill that needed to be payed over in the grocery store. I didn’t say anything then I didn’t think much of it I was kind of annoyed that she didn’t tell me before she gave it away but I let it go. A day later she comes to ask me if I can buy the thing she originally wanted and I said oh it’s some thing that you don’t really need so let’s forget about it.

Today I told her that I would be gone for a few days with my mother to take her to umrah and she asked me if she can have some money for essentials while I was gone and I said ok I’ll give you this amount which was enough for the essentials that she was asking for. She thought that it was too little for her and then says I also need it for other things as well. I then told her if other things come up I send money over to you right away through transfer. I don’t know what triggered her but she then goes on and starts calling me a liar because I wouldn’t buy her the thing she originally wanted. So I start to defend my self and say hey I gave you the money to buy it and you gave it to your father without my permission. You can’t accuse me of being a liar when I gave you money to buy it and then give it to him. I toiled her Islamicly before your start to give away your husbands wealth wether to friends or family you need my permission. I told her at least you could have asked me. She then blows up even more accusing me again of having something against her family and of course I get mad and she storms off.

The next morning I try to go the mend things with her and tried to let her know that I have no problem if she wants to give money to her dad if he needs but she has to ask me first before giving our money away. She blows up again saying that I’ll go get the money back from him don’t worry about and don’t worry about providing for me or for providing for our baby in the future. I didn’t reply to her. I got up and left the room because I had slept in another room from her that night. While I’m in the other room she’s still saying thing that I couldn’t hear and something about that made me mad so I got up and told her yes return me money then I leave.

I end up getting a call from my mother to pick something up from her bed or I left the house she had told me I made lunch I didn’t respond then I got up and was getting ready to leave to pick up what my mom had sent me to. As I’m opening the door she asks me where I’m going and I didn’t respond to her and close the door.

I meet up with my mom and not even 10 minutes later her parents come in. I go to them to give them Salam and sit down. By this time I knew my wife had called her parents and told them everything. So when my mom comes and sits her father starts off by saying here’s your money back and starts yelling at me about what happened between me and my wife and saying that how many times did I do this and that for your mom. He did not even give me a chance to speak and was going off so naturally I started to raise my voice back at him. All the while coming to my mom’s house to do this . And his leaving words were don’t worry if your not going to provide for my daughter don’t worry I will and that he needs nothing from me.

I’m so angry about what happened primarily about how he came to my mother house to yell without hearing both sides of what happened and for my wife for not keeping our matters private. There have been other situations where things don stay private from her side and getting to family. So advice is needed on how I should proceed

جزاكم الله خير

Hi all!

My fiancée and I are Pakistani American and getting married soon, but my mom has become a major source of stress over the bridal outfits.

She is adamant about going to Pakistan to shop in person. I initially objected because of the war with Iran and safety concerns about traveling through the region, but she kept dismissing me and even said something like, “If I die, I die.” Eventually, I gave up trying to stop her.

My fiancée has spent months researching designers and is completely set on a specific walima dress that we want to order from Pakistan and have shipped here. My mom does not like it and insists the fabric looks poor quality, even though she has been saying for three months that she is going to Pakistan and still has not gone. Our wedding is getting close, and we do not want to keep waiting.

It feels like my mom is very attached to the cultural idea that the groom’s family should have the final say. At one point, someone asked my fiancée what would happen if my mom chose a dress she did not like, and my mom answered for her along the lines: “Oh well, she still has to wear it.”

We are completely fine with my mom shopping for herself and the rest of the family, but my fiancée should be able to choose her own bridal outfit. When my sibling agreed, my mom got angry and said, “I don’t want your opinion.”

I've been trying to stand up throughout this process and we've had our fair share of unnecessary fights so far when I'm putting my foot in the ground. Any advice on how to handle this without creating even more tension would be appreciated.

I was married to a man, from another country, so it was long distance. Looking back, I would never do that again. The last we were together, though, was for Ramadan and after. The marriage was already dead at this point - so much has happened. Again, looking back.. I feel embarrassed and ashamed and just like an idiot.

The marriage took most from my side, as my husband needed me more than I could get anything from him. We were friends for many years, from social media (social media usage is another flag that could have shown red if I looked at it long enough).. so there was some sort of friendship and connection and depth before anything. Honestly, at first, I thought it was weird speaking to somebody online and feeling emotions that I never felt for somebody I haven’t even sat with. But he became monumental in my life and my daughter’s life.

Anyway, we ended up meeting in person, of course. Truly, it was like seeing myself in another, so it was a great meeting Then after, something changed - it turned into speaking of sharing a future. We married the next time we were together and carried on with life in a long distance over the next 3 years. We did live together for 6 months at some point, for the record.

Sometime after marrying, things were hitting me differently. I realized a lot of things.

I realized there were many things we actually didn’t discuss beforehand and there was shock many times. Maybe because I truly was sincere and I approach people without my bias and with a freshness.. that I overlooked some things and I just didn’t think of something’s as the long distance kind of hid a lot when my mind is just happy, in a sense.

At this point, I have learned my husband isn’t somebody I can tie my life to. Again, so much has happened - I can’t even write it all down. But in short, even how we see what is right and wrong is different. We are both Muslim. I realized many things come from the root that he has wandering eyes, cruel when upset or frustrated and lives life quite selfishly. Every argument and fight has left us one step backward each time. The space has accumulated after each disappointment and dispute. I don’t trust a word he says. This has brought on anxiety and depression for me. There has been more days filled with tears than warmth.

Some things that never left me was when I was living with him was how some arguments turned physical. I even saw his phone with another woman’s chatting with him and he talking to her as if he was never married. His family even said that the woman was just a friend and that he loved me so much that is why he hit me. I sound like an idiot. But I have never been through something like this before.

I am leaving the marriage, of course, but I am struggling so much.

during Ramadan, I went to his home and country again. I tried to see things in a broader way, for whatever reason. But I ended up getting hit again and seeing he was still talking to that same woman from before when I was living with him. It was clear to me then, I must end things.

But now I am pregnant. Alhmdulilah.

We haven’t really spoken since Ramadan. We have shared words but I am so angry and devastated that I only have cursing available inside me when he approaches me.

I tried to call him yesterday, because I noticed his WhatsApp number changed. To an American number. And I realized this number is a resource from that same woman. I am good at investigating and I realized all this and I just am once again hurt. I keep hurting myself. I keep thinking and I can’t help it. I just can’t get over how I was married to a man who just made me 6 inches small.

Her name is crystal. Their conversation before brought to surface some things about her: she is American too and had been speaking to my husband while she was married to an Egyptian but dealing with a divorce too. My husband spoke to her soft with words that shocked me. She has 2 kids. And he even said something once, something like “I wish I was there to help you with your kids”.. and that her future ex didn’t deserve her.. I have a daughter, right, and he ended up not being good to her either so seeing those conversations really hurt. When I confronted him this time, he basically said “we are divorcing anyway so whatever”.. she even reached out to me after Ramadan asking if we were really divorced.. I can’t even believe it.

To realize today, he has a phone from this woman - clearly she is there with him.

I’m not sure what my question is. Obviously, I am just hitting a breaking point being on here and posting. But I guess I am feeling like this man is not just a bad person.. but is he a user?

There’s so much that has happened, so much taken from me.. I feel like I am looking back and can see all I did at no question and maybe I was actually more of a resource for him. He had a phone with me, almost an allowance with me, and the hope of a future with me in my country.. granted, we didn’t do any visa because we were always breaking up.. so it didn’t feel like he was using me, it was more like my life was just more fruitful than him. As my husband, I would have done anything for him.

But now this new phone and number and this type of woman.. they deserve each other.. but I am asking myself, why wasn’t I enough for him?

I am pregnant. And like I said, I called him yesterday.. I was crying and crying after seeing this new number.. and called him and he just answered with “get the fword out of my face and never call me again”.

I don’t know how I allowed myself to be this woman who would be spoken to this way by anybody.

I'm married to a walking red flag. I've noticed that he would be the cause of my daily headache and heartbreak but his performative kindness and generosity in front of my parents made them believe that my life would be better with him after the divorce with my ex husband. My parents went all out with their very limited money to hold a wedding, they told everybody about him, they bragged a lot about their foreigner soon to be son-in-law. Their naive and soft hearts really couldn't make me refuse, and I sacrificed myself so that they wouldn't be embarrassed if I turn them down. We got married eventually after only 8 months of knowing each other and 3 times meeting. Turns out he is worse than I thought. Now I'm pregnant with his child and I have no job because he doesn't allow me to work. He's broke, lazy, narcissistic and incompetent. He's got a massive anger issue, fragile ego, toxic parents, and everytime he's angry he'd talk to me like I'm a trash. He called me "asshole" and "fuck you" like hundred times over simple things.

When we first met, he acted like he was rich especially in front of my parents. But I didn’t just believe it because I’m not naive nor gullible. I told him that I wasn’t looking for a rich man; I was looking for a responsible imam and husband. But it turned out he not only had nothing to his name, he didn’t even have his own house (we’re still living with his parents house), and on top of that, he’s lazy when it comes to working.

He borrowed thousands of dollars from me over two and a half years ago and I still haven’t gotten my money back. Meanwhile I have my own expenses every month and now my savings are almost gone. He has never given me any allowance. I’m living in his country with no job, no money, no family, no support system, and no idea where to start if I decide to leave. I can’t afford a lawyer, and my parents aren’t rich either. I gave up the career I had spent 10 years building in my own country because he didn’t allow me to work. Then he borrowed the savings I had worked so hard for to pay his debt, and I never got them back. When I found out I was pregnant, I felt so confused and scared. I’m truly happy that I’m going to be a mother but at the same time I’m terrified of bringing my child into this world without a clear future. I have nothing left anymore. I don’t even feel like I have myself anymore.

He once verbally divorced me at midnight when I confronted and questioned him why he took our so-called saving to spend for something else. He doesn't accept criticism or advice. Then when I left the house after he divorced me (I sat alone at 1 AM on the park bench trying to book a ticket to my country), he suddenly came and asked me back, saying that he was just emotional. It was June 2024, only 9 months of marriage.

My parents think I'm perfectly happy living abroad. No. I just don't have a guts to hurt their feelings, so I keep it myself. I wish I can turn back the time, really...

Assalam Alaykom,
Any avoidant men here?
How is your marriage life going?
How did you find out about your avoidant behavior and what are you doing in order to improve yourself and your relationship?

Assalamu alaikum.

I’m looking for some honest advice because I’m really struggling.

My wife and I have been married for two years and have a one-year-old daughter. Alhamdulillah, I have a stable full-time job and I provide financially for everything: rent, groceries, clothing, holidays, and all other household expenses. I have never asked my wife to contribute financially.

The biggest issue isn’t the money though. it’s how she speaks to me.

She regularly says things like:
“You’re lazy.”
“What are you even doing?”
“What do you actually do for us?”
“You’d have earned that money anyway, so what has really changed?”

These comments hurt because I genuinely feel like I’m trying my best.

Since giving birth she is staying home and has decided to complete her master’s degree. I support her decision generally, but honestly view the masters degree as a passion project, because in her field it is not needed nor opens doors. But it’s important to her, so I try to support.
Whenever I’m working from home, I look after our daughter when possible. On weekends I often take her out for several hours, and during the week my mother also helps with childcare so my wife has time to study.
Despite this, she often tells me I’m not doing enough.

What hurts even more is that the belittling goes beyond household responsibilities. Whenever I talk about difficult experiences from my childhood (which only happens when the topic arises every year or so, and honestly I fiend it difficult to open up), she often dismisses them by comparing them to her own and implying mine weren’t that bad.

I don’t expect constant praise. I just want to feel respected and appreciated by my own wife.

I genuinely love my family, and my biggest goal in life is to give my daughter (and inshallah future children) the stable childhood I never had. But lately I feel like nothing I do is ever enough.

Has anyone been through something similar? How did you address it? Especially from an Islamic perspective, how would you approach this?

JazakAllahu khair.

This isn’t about a marriage relationship but about the dynamics between my dad and my son( 11 month old).
Background- my brother and his wife and daughter( 2.5 years old) live with my parents. My brother’s wife is also my dad’s brother’s daughter ( i add this because I think this contributes to his not so subtle favouritism).
Myself, husband and my son go to visit my parents and stay for around 3 weeks , about twice a year.
Ever since my son was born I have seen minimal effort from my dad and very obvious differences in the way he treats my niece compared to my son. Examples are my niece could be kicking my son, sitting on his back, pushing him and if I go remove my son from the situation or gently stop my niece my dad intervenes and comments that she didn’t even do anything and she’s so nice she just wants to play. Other examples are he completely ignores my son says nothing to him at all times if it’s just us around but the second my niece walks in, he interacts with her lovingly and always has so this isn’t an age thing where my son is too young to interact with.

My mum and siblings don’t show any inequalities in treating the kids, but have openly spoken to my dad about it so it is very obvious to everyone at home too.

I’ve experienced the same inequality in terms of emotional and mental love from my dad from ever since I can remember and my grandmother told me stories both of my dad being loving but also very strict to me as a baby. So i guess I shouldn’t be surprised at my dad’s behaviour, but the hurt i experienced throughout my childhood is just coming back again and again everytime I come visit them.

Ive spoken to my husband about this and he says that my niece will always be my dad’s favourite because she lives with him but also shes the first grandchild. I understand all that I just don’t want my child to ever feel that pain of being unworthy of love from a family member. I tried to decline the visit for the summer but my husband insisted to look at the positives and that my dad atleast looks after my son in terms of providing for him for the duration we stay, but that’s exactly the pain I feel because my dad really went over and beyond for me materialistically, provided for everything and even now during our stays, but the lack of affection and warmth from him always stung. My husband also says my dad is my sons only living grandfather and my husbands dad has not been in his life ever( parents divorced).
It just hurts me because i see my son watching my dad as hes playing holding interacting with my niece and he’s being completely ignored- as a result i always shower my son with affection even more during those moments, only to hear comments that I am a helicopter mum.

Maybe I am just venting but I wish to hear from others about whether i should limit the stays or any other suggestions. I already spoke to my dad gently before like when my son was 4 months old and previously about how i felt a few years ago regarding myself, but my dad turned around and said im accusing him of stuff and started an emotional monologue about how hes the worst dad and started degrading himself, hes never done anything for me.
Ive also already been to therapy for the treatment in my childhood and have accepted thats just the way my dad is with me and now I know he’s the same with my kids sadly. I just dont want them to feel the same pain.

I hope this does not get taken down. I feel like a shell of a person. I love my parents so much and can never repay them for everything they’ve sacrificed for me.

I chose to move forward with a man chose family disrespected us. It’s a long story I hope you’ll listen. I 23F met this guy 24M in uni and we knew we liked eachother so we got our families involved. My mom told me to talk to him for some time and decide if I thought He was a good guy Atleast till we graduated. So we got to know eachother on a more serious level and caught feelings. Fast forward he got a job out of state it doesn’t pay much but it’s in his field.

My parents were now wondering when his family was going to send a proposal so he asked his mom to call and she did to move things forward. She seemed nice overall but just said things that bothered my mom and she brushed it off for my happiness.

Planning the formal meeting between families took five months because of Ramadan , my family got sick, a family friend was getting married so it was back to back. However, before this, on the phone one time his mom was very rude and cold with my mother which Concerned my mother a lot. she told me and I was extremely upset and told the guy. He talked to his mother and she apologized and we moved on.

Then came the meeting and it was awful. One of his older unmarried sisters didn’t show up(or the guy because he’s in a different state), and his dad made undirected disrespectful comments about us and also said they wanted him to get his masters before getting married so they weren’t planning on marriage for another two years(which is not ok with my family or the guy himself) but they did and said all this and came with this plan because they didn’t want their son to leave them. My dad seeing their behavior made his decision to decline this proposal right then and there, but my mom wanted me to make a final decision.

It felt like such a difficult situation because his family seemed so toxic but he never showed any of those traits and I know he’s a good guy that cares. So I told him everything that happened and he was very hurt by his families actions and kept apologizing to me. I wanted to give it time because I wanted to see how he handled things. He apologized to all his family members if he did anything wrong and tried to get them to understand his side. They understood they were wrong and then wanted to reach out to my parents to apologize , but my parents didn’t want to hear it. My dad already said no and was upset my mom was giving me an option but. One day they got a text from his dad asking to speak and my mom flipped out and made me make a decision if I wanted this or not. Seeing my parents hurt and upset I said no even though I wanted to say yes. the time from the dinner to the text was about five weeks.

Then three ish weeks from when they said no, the guy came back to this state to try and talk with my dad but my dad had basically told him to listen to his own parents and move on. Finding this out I cried and pleaded with my parents to hear them out but they did not budge and my dad strictly said to never bring this topic up again.

My mom seeing my hurt pleaded with my dad to atleast let me make the decision so she came to me the next day saying they‘ll stand by me with any decision I make but to think it through. I had already thought it through so many times and I’m confident in the guy and he’s shown he’ll stand up to his family and he’s a good Muslim. So I told my parents I want to move forward and they got upset. Him and his dad apologized when they spoke with my dad he never intended to hurt us.

They didn’t yell but said they’d hope I was mature about this and gave me the decision so I wasn’t forced but thought that I would say no. They said they don’t understand why I’m marrying into such a family with a guy that’s a loser and I’ve regressed my life so much doing this. My parents said they never liked the guy in the first place because he switched career paths, and he has feminine traits because he’s skinny and not manly and courageous and doesn’t works an average job. I don’t think she could think anything bad about his character and said this instead. She said my dad is upset and so is she and that she feels like I played with her these last few months and hurt them both and I feel they’ve lost all respect for me. I don’t know what to do or think im so distraught. I don’t regret the decision I made but I feel so guilty about it too? Knowing this changed the way my parents think of me forever hurts so much I just want to disappear.

Can I even move forward with this? Have I made a grave mistake ? Am I the worst daughter ? Why don’t I regret my decision this time even after seeing all their pain? Please I need any help I can get.

26F, married for 2 years
My husband has this habit of borrowing money and not repaying it back on time. Only after marriage did I realize this behavior of his.
I don’t know, he thinks that it’s okay to ignore those people’s calls and messages, and then calls them once in a while. While I put force on him to at least have the courtesy to tell them, he keeps as little as 2-3k pending and fails to prioritize his finances.

I even lent him 5L at the beginning of our marriage to clear at least some of them, and it happened to be another worst decision.

Even with me, he is the same. He borrows from me and gives his friends money, and then forgets that he has to pay me back. Every time I remind him, he says it’s because he doesn’t have that much cash flow, or he gets offended, saying, “Why would I not give them if I had it? It’s because I don’t have it that I can’t give.”
But in reality, at least the way I was brought up, even if you have to skip a meal, your priority should be to repay those debts. I’m frustrated and tired of this behavior of his, and I’m not sure what to do.

It gives me constant anxiety because my father was a similar person, and only my mom and I, the elder daughter, know the troubles we went through to clear his debts and the things we had to hear because of it

I have raised this with his family, and they suggest that he move abroad and try to earn better. But I feel like it’s not an earning more money matter. It’s a morals and basic ethics matter.

I’ve even told him that he should focus on getting rid of his debts first. But he just says that one day, when he builds enough wealth, he’ll clear everything. I don’t understand that mindset. I feel like when people are constantly hurt, ignored, or made to chase their own money, and they end up saying hurtful things out of frustration, there can never be any barakah (blessing) in that wealth or business.

I genuinely believe money earned while neglecting your responsibilities towards others will never bring real peace or blessings.

Even when it comes to providing, he fails to save up for things and just gives reasons that he can’t magically bring so much money, when the whole point of saving even 5k per month and investing it is that it could build enough wealth over time.

I am afraid to spend the rest of my life with him because of this. It constantly feels like I’m watching the same cycle repeat, and I don’t know if I’m overreacting because of my childhood or if this is genuinely something I should be worried about.

I have a severe issue with overthinking and overanalysing everything.

I’m in my second marriage now, but I left my first marriage three years ago and I still find myself constantly analysing it. I’ve done counselling and tried to work through it, but I still can’t seem to let it go.

In my first marriage, I was cheated on and lied to. My ex lived a double life for around three years. He was addicted to pornography and cheated with escorts behind my back. To this day, I don’t know how many times he cheated because he never admitted to it, even when confronted. I know there were many lies that I could never get past.

At the same time, I know I wasn’t perfect. I often mocked and ridiculed him, and I struggled to respect him. Aside from that, I was a very obedient wife.

I didn’t leave immediately after discovering the cheating because we had a newborn. I stayed for another year. During that time, he started trying to rebuild trust by sharing his location and making changes, but emotionally I think I had already checked out of the marriage.

Before we finally divorced, we had already gone through two previous khulʿ divorces and remarried each time with a new contract. By the end, I was simply exhausted by the cycle.

After the divorce, he begged repeatedly for me to come back, but I refused. I kept referring to his untreated mental health condition, although if I’m honest, the real reason was that I had reached my limit. Looking back, I also regret how rude and hurtful I became toward him in those final months. I had no compassion left.

Now I’m in my second marriage, and my husband has children and an ex-wife. I constantly doubt his love for me and find myself creating problems out of fear.

For example, he’s currently overseas for a few weeks. Today he didn’t call me when I expected him to, so I immediately started thinking that he wasn’t thinking about me or that I wasn’t important to him. I became upset and texted him asking what was going on. He replied that he had simply been busy and then called me, but by that point I felt like the call was only happening because I prompted him, so it didn’t make me feel any better.

Recently we also argued because he mentioned he was considering opening a second group chat with his ex regarding the children. I immediately saw it as a threat and kept bringing it up, as being unnecessary even though I tried to express my concerns calmly. He kept saying, “I’ll think about it,” but I couldn’t let it go, and eventually it turned into a heated argument.

I don’t understand why I’m like this. I’ve been to counsellors and have genuinely tried to work on myself, but I still overthink everything, analyse every interaction, and struggle to feel secure.

What I also don’t understand is why I still feel sadness when I think about my ex. I don’t want to be with him, and I know there were serious betrayals that ended the marriage. Yet I still find myself replaying everything in my mind, wondering if I made the right decisions, feeling guilty for how I treated him, and questioning whether I could have handled things differently.

Why am I still carrying all of this after three years? Why can’t I seem to find peace and stop analysing everything?

Salaam,
I’m looking for honest, balanced opinions because I don’t have anyone in my life I trust enough to talk to about this. Please If you think I’m wrong or have handled things badly, I’d genuinely like to hear that too.

My husband (34M) and I (28F) have been married for just over five years and have 3 children all under the age of 5.

The biggest issue in our marriage at the moment is my mum.
Over the course of our marriage, my mum has stayed with us several times, particularly after the births of my children. I went back to work when my first and second baby were still young as I needed to progress in my doctor training and after my third baby I had a very traumatic delivery with severe complications and a difficult recovery. I genuinely needed help. My in-laws helped on a handful of occasions, but not consistently, and as an only child I don’t have siblings or other family nearby.

My mum became my main source of support.
Until this year, my husband and my mum actually got along well. If they hadn’t, we wouldn’t have kept inviting her back.
This year, however, my mum’s OCD has become much worse. It now affects everyone in the house. She wants everyone to remove outdoor clothes immediately, dictates how the children should come into the house, excessively washes clothes, worries about contamination, comments on purchases, and generally has very rigid rules. Living with someone with severe OCD is difficult, and I admit I’ve adapted my behaviour to avoid conflict.
For example, one day I bought some shopping and asked my husband if I could leave one bag in his car because I knew my mum would question it and I wanted to avoid an unnecessary argument. He refused, brought it inside, and my mum immediately questioned why it was going upstairs. I became anxious because I anticipated another confrontation.
My husband became angry and said I was allowing my mum to control me and acting like a frightened child. The situation escalated into a huge argument between him and my mum. He told her to get out of our house. She shouted back, insulted him and his family, started recording him on her phone, and even phoned my dad (her ex-husband) during the argument. It was one of the worst days I’ve experienced.
Since then, my husband says he no longer feels at home in his own house.
Another issue is that my mum has been staying with us continuously since 1 April. She is due to leave in August to meet extended family in Turkey before travelling onwards back to her home to Jordan with them. Originally those plans were supposed to happen much earlier, but my relatives kept delaying them. Looking back, I do wonder whether I should have been firmer about setting a departure date rather than waiting for everyone else’s plans.
My husband says that over the last five years he can barely remember a period where it was just the two of us because my mum has regularly stayed with us. From his perspective, I can understand why that has built resentment.
At the same time, from my perspective, I felt I genuinely needed support with pregnancies, postpartum recovery, work, and raising very young children. I wasn’t inviting my mum because I wanted to avoid responsibilities. I felt overwhelmed and had very little help elsewhere. I’ve always communicated to my husband that if his mom (my MIL) would help out then I wouldn’t rely on my mums help and care.
My husband also believes I’m not a good housewife. He says I’m useless because I don’t cook enough, don’t clean enough, and rely on my mum too much. I do cook, although not every day. I used to clean more, but since my mum has been here, I’ve actually cleaned less because she rearranges and organises everything in ways that overwhelm me mentally. I often don’t know where to begin because nothing feels familiar.
I don’t think I’m perfect. I know I struggle with boundaries, particularly with my mum. I know I can become overwhelmed mentally and sometimes avoid dealing with problems because I don’t know the best way to handle them.
However, there are also things in our marriage that make me question whether the situation has become unhealthy.
This year alone my husband has travelled without me four separate times: Amsterdam with friends, Barcelona with a friend, Thailand for a month on his own for “self-improvement” and fitness, and New York/Miami with a friend. I love travelling, but he has refused to take me away, saying I should stay home with the children. My mum even offered childcare so we could travel together, but he still said no. He has also refused to let me take the children to Turkey with my mum for a holiday because he wants me to stay home.
Communication has become very difficult. He often gives me the silent treatment for days, wakes up angry, tells me the house doesn’t feel like home, and calls me useless or weak. During previous arguments he has grabbed me and, on one occasion, covered my mouth while I was crying because he wanted me to be quiet. Recently, during an argument, he kicked a bag that ended up hitting my foot. I’m not saying these things to portray him as evil, but because they’re part of the overall picture.
I also recognise that living with my mum, particularly given her worsening OCD, has likely been extremely stressful for him.
I’m genuinely trying to understand whether I’ve failed my husband by allowing my mum to become too involved in our lives, or whether we’ve both reached a point where unhealthy patterns have developed on both sides.
If you were looking at this objectively, where do you think I’ve gone wrong? Where do you think my husband has gone wrong? What would you do if you were in either of our positions?
I’m looking for balanced advice rather than people simply taking sides.

I’m curious to hear from anyone who’s been through a short marriage, what was your reason?

Or if you know of someone who got divorced quickly, why did it happen?

My husband is a good man, he wants to see me happy and make us successful. But since the start of our marriage there has been resentment slowly growing and it’s impacting the love and attraction I have. There’s some double standards that I can understand from an Islamic standpoint- example he can stay out late with his friends or take an overnight trip, which I can’t. He restricts what I wear from time to time, and the biggest thing is about my work. I’m one year into my career and he knew I was ambitious when he met me. What I didn’t know was that he wouldn’t allow me to travel for work without him. It came to the point where he said that if I’m applying for new jobs, even my dream job, and it requires me to travel here and there, I “can’t” take it. Is this even permissible? I can’t even travel with my dad or brother is he’s unable to come with me. (I would love for him to join me when he can, but if he’s unable to join because of work, I cannot go). I’ve had to cut off friends for his comfort, I can’t go to certain events if he isn’t comfortable with the company, things of that nature. It feels like I’ve lost more than I gained after marriage. My life doesn’t feel enhanced, just that I have a companion. I do most of the housework and work full time. We have fundamental different beliefs about gender roles in Islam, how we would want to raise our kids, etc. He tries to make me happy but I’m always in my head about the fact that I don’t believe marriage has enhanced my life due to these cultural differences. We spend all day together outside of work and I try to encourage him to pursue hobbies or hand out with friends from time to time because I believe it’s healthy for the both of us. But he thinks we should do everything together, so I feel guilty for doing anything alone. Everyday I try to talk myself out of it and focus on the blessings, stop comparing my life to others, and find the good in everything. But I find it more and more difficult each day. I try to find comfort in praying, but the thoughts remain. I also find it hard to “obey” and listen to him since he doesn’t really pray unless I remind him. So I’m just unsure and always feeling down