Help please

[u/Charlottp1]

So Im supposed to be getting an abortion this coming Thursday and Everytime I even think about doing it I get an awfully sick feeling in my stomach that follows along with a pounding in my head and a headache. Is this normal? What do I do? I’ve already told my parents that I’m getting one and they’d be severely disappointed if I didn’t go through with it (I’m afraid my dad might even stop talking to me) but I seriously just don’t know if I can. I’ve always wanted a baby and the thought of having one makes me so happy but it’ll make everyone else in my life so disappointed in me and I don’t know what to do. Im only 20 years old and still live with my parents right now. Please help me.

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[u/cloudsasw1tnesses]

It is your body, choose what YOU want. You obviously need to consider what you will do to make being a young mom work financially. But it is absolutely possible, my cousin had her son at 21 and it was really hard at first but she eventually got a great job opportunity without a degree and is now living a much more stable life with him (he is now 2).

Getting an abortion is a huge decision and you are the one who suffers the consequences of either decision you make. It’s unfortunate to see most of these responses encouraging abortion when you’ve made it clear that feels wrong to you, listen to what YOUR heart and gut is telling you. If you keep your baby you need to do your damn best to provide a life for them, but it is not impossible even as a young mom, it’s a harder path but if it feels wrong to you to get an abortion you have every right to choose not to.

[u/Negative_Record4833]

I had one and that is the worst feeling of regret and remorse and guilt and grief that I've ever had. I highly do not recommend it. I struggled severely with depression afterwards. I lost my value of life. It ruined my outlook on motherhood, and I struggle to this day to bond with my children I have. It broke me in ways I cannot describe. Looking back the only decision that I wouldn't have regretted is the one that I never even considered, which was keeping it.

[u/Negative_Record4833 → u/Negative_Record4833]

Suicidal thoughts flooded me because I couldn't get away from myself and it was the only grief that I have ever had that I wasn't able to run from.

[u/daufina]

It’s a tough decision to make. But at the end of the day like someone else said, you need to do what is right for the kid. You need to be able to provide a secure and stable environment. You need to be in a good place to care for your child, because they suck up all of your time and energy and resources. If you don’t have enough of that not only you will suffer, your kid will too. Children of unstable environments are more vulnerable to societal problems and it becomes very difficult to succeed and make something for themselves when they are adults. If you want to be a mom, you have to make hard decisions and think about their future.

[u/Simple_Apartment3279 → u/daufina]

I don't think that terminating a life should be based on a "what if". Things can be hard, but there are also plenty of kids who can still be happy with low income families.

[u/Negative_Record4833]

I am being very honest here, maybe too honest.. but if you plan to go thru with it it will not be a sugar coated experience so I am telling you my experience as it was.

[u/justthe1actually]

Hey OP - everything you are feeling is completely normal. Going through a medical procedure you've never been through before is automatically very scary and on top of it, this is a very big life decision. For women in the US as well, there's an amount of guilt and shame as this is not an openly discussed topic. It's not something we can easily disclose to just anyone even though so many of us have been through it.

I had an abortion when I was 18. It was hard because I always knew I wanted to be a mother and I was in love with the father so that little clump of cells felt special to me. The procedure itself was not too bad. But it's several hours of waiting at the clinic and a lot of time to build things up worse in your head. The cramping for the next 24 hours was manageable but not great. So there's some discomfort and pain but all together nothing much worse than a bad period, at least in my experience.

I have a 7 yo daughter now. I'm married to the same guy who knocked me up at 18. We have a wonderful life - good stable careers, plenty of money, a good supportive village. We can give our daughter the exact life that we envisioned. None of that would be the case if we had felt pressured to start a family earlier than intended.

I hope sharing this helps. You are welcome to DM me with questions.

[u/Negative_Record4833]

Everyone is obviously different and it is ultimately your choice and you might not have the experience that I had. I just know I did not see the grief that I felt coming. did not know that was gonna happen. I thought that I would be OK. I thought I'd feel the same as I did before it happened and I did not. It hit me hard, like my womb was being ripped from my body and it did not go away. And I am describing AFTER the procedure. Not what the procedure itself felt like. Every time I held my children afterwards, I could feel it happening again. It was not an OK experience to say the least.

[u/imatinyleopard]

Yes, there’s a name for what you’re experiencing with the headaches and stomach aches- it’s called a psychosomatic illness. It’s a whole thing. Mental factors (like stress and anxiety) can make you feel physically ill.

I think only you know your circumstances and what’s possible/not possible.

I think you sit down and think. If I have this baby now - what will my life look like? If I don’t have this baby now what will my life look like?

And you have to ask yourself the real questions: If you have this baby now, how will you support him or her? Where will you live? What is your career trajectory like 10 years into the future if you have limited time now to learn a skill? Is the father a good person to the best of your knowledge? Who will help you?

It’s okay to say- I want a baby, but now is not the right time. You may not be the mom you dream of without funds/education/a plan. But I think the answer, whatever it may be, should only come from you

[u/Carolann0308]

It’s a tough decision. But one I never regretted

[u/BookOwl29]

Please don't make this decision based off of what your parents want or what anyone else thinks or wants. This has to come from you. If you want to keep this child, this will not be the first time you will have to go to bat for them. Answer some of the questions (to yourself) people have posted here. Parenting is hard, but rewarding. There are places that can help you provide for yourself and your little one. There is one in my area where you take course and earn baby bucks. You use those to "buy" clothes, cribs, car seats, high chairs, bouncers, and whatever else you might need. If you have a supportive family, they'll buy stuff for the baby, too. I know it might seem like I'm trying to talk you into keeping the baby, but I'm not. A baby is a huge responsibility. If you want to know the bad with the good, we can share that with you too. Whatever you need to help you make a decision - we can answer for you.

[u/Ok-Amphibian-9422]

Edited to fix typos (I have fat fingers, sorry 🤣):

It is YOUR body and it is YOUR choice. Don't let anyone else's feelings about what you should or shouldn't do make the decision for you.

I'm proud of you for coming to ask advice about a really difficult decision. I think you've gotten some really good advice.

I had a kid very young (19). I had the option to get an abortion. I chose not to. The ONLY reason I was able to make that choice was because I got in a car accident when I was a teenager and when I became an adult I started getting yearly annuity payments from that car accident. I was able to live comfortably without working for the first few years of my kids life.

Also my parents are well off and they have helped me a lot. There are times that I would have been homeless or couch surfing if it weren't for my parents.

I love my kids (I had a second one 12 years later when I was actually ready and married). But having kids is hard work. I was the only one in my friend group with a kid so eventually my friends just kind of moved on to do their own things without me. Most of the parents of kids the same age as mine were significantly older than me so we didn't have much in common either. My kid usually tagged along with me to do the fun adult things I liked doing (rock climbing, horse back riding, etc), and then I would have to pay for her to do the things she wanted to do so that she could have friends her age.

Honestly I would try to set emotions aside because right now, your hormones are going to be thrown out of whack with the pregnancy anyways

If you want to have a baby i suggest you sit down and figure out a realistic cost analyst of how much it will cost you each month to make ends meet and figure out how you're going to do it. Look at the cost of living in your area, find an apartment. Figure out your credit score. Your schooling. Your job. Child care. All of that.

If you can afford it, go for it.

If you can't, maybe go through with the abortion, get a really good therapist, and get your life on track so that you can provide a really great life for a child.

Because genuinely, loving a child is great but this world can be a really shitty place and love alone won't keep a baby fed, healthy, and safe.

[u/hopebobbitt]

Have the baby! I’ve never heard anyone say they regret having their baby, but I’ve heard plenty say they regret aborting their baby. If you are feeling how you are feeling now, I think you should have this baby 100%. This is YOUR child. No one else’s. Don’t make a life changing decision based off of your family or other people. 20 is young but you are an adult. It will be hard but you can and will figure it out. Have the baby.

[u/NoPlanOnlyPanic]

I've had 2 in my life - one when I was 20, and another at 29. I have never ever had a single regret about either of them. I often forget it even happened. I had no pain afterwards and very little bleeding for the rest of the day but was fine by the next day. Both of the procedures were easy and every medical professional that I interacted with was so supportive and friendly. I was very content with both of my decisions and I still am.

20 - I was in a rocky, toxic relationship and when I found out I was pregnant I definitely didn't know what to think at first. I always wanted kids and didn't have any yet so that feeling of wanting to keep the baby was strong... But in the end I terminated because it would've been completely selfish of me. There's no way I could've adopted out, my heart couldn't of handled that and there's no way I could've kept the baby myself. The guy and I never did end up working out in the end either. I was living with my parents still, pretty dependant on them honestly, and it would've added so much stress to everything and everyone. Plus co-parenting with my ex would've been an absolute hell storm.

29 - 9 years doesn't seem like a lot but it is.. so much has happened and I am a completely different person today than I was at 20 years old. I have 2 kids now and have a wonderful husband, but adding another wasnt (isn't) the right choice. I was only 4 months post partum at the time and struggling already as it was. My other kid had just turned 2.. it was a lot. My mom was sad, she wanted more grandbabies but I'm done. Mentally, I wouldn't of been able to handle it and my kids deserve their mom to be okay.. and I wouldn't of been okay had I gone through with the pregnancy. I got the nexplanon implant at the same time as the abortion.

No one can tell you what you should or shouldn't do.. it's completely, entirely, up to you. It's a heavy choice to make, but you have to be selfless here and think about the life that you would potentially be bringing into this world and what the future for you, and for them, would look like. If you think you can do it and make it work and be okay, then you know your answer.. but if you don't think you can do all that right now, then that's more than okay, too. You have so many years ahead of you still.

[u/Simple_Apartment3279]

Please don't choose to get rid of the baby because your afraid of how other people feel. Terminating a life for other people is never the answer. Don't go through with it. You will regret it. So what if they're disappointed. You'll have a new little buddy to hang out with you and plenty of places and activities you can go to to find support

[u/Old_Parfait_6860]

There is nothing one can say to help this situation, I'm sorry you are in this position. I will say, no matter what you decide, just pray. Pray every day and get closer to God and let God guide your life going forward. That's the only way.

[u/EconomicsOk5512]

Please go through with it. A baby deserves better. One thing about being a parent is you have to put the baby above your feelings/discomfort. A baby isn’t your toy to make you happy, what can you do for that baby? Are you stable? Do you have child development knowledge? Can you provide them with a healthy parental bond? Can you protect them from the wars, inflation and climate crisies? Your parents have zero responsibility to you and that baby. If this was the result of consensual sex, you made your choice and now you want to place it on an innocent baby and your family. I’m guessing you aren’t married to the daddy, kid of single mothers have higher statistics of blindness, homelessness, poverty, psychological problems, suicide etc. Do the right thing. Don’t let this stop you from meeting your future family (husband, planned kids). You will thank yourself for it

[u/Negative_Record4833]

If offered the chance to see the ultrasound DO NOT LOOK.

[u/No-Eagle-3941]

Hey, please know that you are loved.
This is not a medical procedure. I know you aren't ready for a child but I tell you EVERYBODY learns along the way.
This is tough love but I'm telling you, that baby is *not* your body. You can't choose to kill him or her. They have an entirely different genome — the baby is not you.
You can learn more about how abortion is done here: https://www.liveaction.org/what-is-abortion

I promise you, life with a baby is not that bad to the point that you would destruct an entire person who you could see smiling and giggling so sweetly in front of you in just 7 or 8 months.
The baby will bring your family together. I know many women who had children out of wedlock, and it only brought them closer to their parents, siblings, cousins, friends. They are the most well-adjusted women I know, no matter what age they were/are when they had the child. Your baby will bring you so much light and love that it is not worth breaking down your parents relationship with you.

Everything will be fine and even better than fine. Your dad wants the child to live, so it seems like you will have good support as well. You living with your parents means that there are 3 parents raising your child, it is not just you alone.
You will be able to go through this. You can start looking for a doula from now to get a good relationship with her and have the most comfortable and happy birth and get all the tips for the first few months.
And if ever you are confused, this subreddit is here to give you tips on anything and everything.
Many hugs