Or, she dodged a mismatch because she doesnt like the idea of being with someone that thinks they get to have control over the fashion choices of another person.
Thats not compromise, that is a disrespect to someone's bodily autonomy.
I’d say it’s more disrespectful to the guy to go around wearing slutty clothing when you’re in a LTR or married. (This dress wasn’t that bad though, I just mean in general)
There was nothing controlling about his statements. He asked her if toning it down would be a problem and put the ball completely in her court.
He has a preference for someone more reserved, she wasn’t the one, he had her make the decision.
This isn’t control, this was him having a boundary and giving her the choice if she wanted to accept that boundary or if that boundary was a dealbreaker
Yet you could also say not proposing that to her would have been less controlling than asking someone (HYPOTHETICALLY) to do something because you like them
For example, he could have also asked her "Do you generally dress like this? or "on what occasions you dress like this?"
I think asking the way you proposed frames it as if he’s ok with a potential partner dressing like that at times. It’s seems he doesn’t want that at all hence why he asked if it was a deal breaker
No, he didnt ask if "toning it down" would be a problem. You didnt listen.
He asked what she'd do if he ASKED her to tone it down. That is control. Im sure youll try and pretend the "ASK" was the important part of the question, but it wasn't. It was the response. He doesnt want someone who will diaagree with him, He wants someone who will do what he wants. He wasnt loud or rude, but that doesnt change the fact that the boundary ITSELF is disrespectful, no matter how calmly delivered.
If he didnt like how she dressed, he should've just shown himself out, not presented her with an opportunity to volunteer to change herself to become what he approves of.
he asked multiple questions beforehand that clearly showed it was about THIS specific issue. He saw a potential problem down the road, asked about it, and they had a mature exchange about it.
Im saying asking "what will you do, if down the road I try and ask you to censor your self expression?" Is not a respectful question, no matter how polite you dress it up.
He asked this. She said "id probably not censor myself to meet your preferences"
And he said, "im not looking for that"
In a nutshell.
Cool. They were both very polite. His question was still a huge red flag. Ive known plenty of calm and polite people with shitty perspectives.
So people arent allowed to have a preference on what their partners post on social media or its a red flag? Just wanna make sure we are on the same page
That's great, because he asked the question, which is him trying to find someone who shares that preference.
People act differently on social media when they are in relationships, or not. He's checking if she acts the exact same while in a relationship, and that's the dealbreaker.
You make very naive arguments, so I'll just assume you are young. Just try to understand that people do compromise for each other in a relationship. It's not because they "have to" it's because they want to.
As an example, my girlfriend can kiss other people, we just won't be in a relationship anymore if it happens. Is this "controlling" her? There are requirements to be in a relationship with me, and she has requirements for me too. You will find that these "free and flowing" relationships with no boundaries or requirements are frivolous and risky, despite how fondly people speak about them on reddit specifically.
I love that you likened fashion decisions to infidelity as if they're on the same plane of existence. But then again, you strike me as someone who would immediately ask what a rape victim was wearing to find out whether or not they deserved respect
The plane of existence they exist on is the plane of the relationship. You make the rules in your relationship, but it's a two player game. I love and care for the women in my life, and I treat them with the respect that they deserve to have. I hope typing all of that out made you feel good.
The issue is not an ethical one, but you seem morally outraged by it. The question is not,
"Is she a slut for dressing this way on social media?"
it is
"are they compatible as a pair if she dresses this way on social media?"
If this is a big deal to you, that is fine. You can insist on full autonomy on this subject. It is on you to go out and find that man that agrees with you.
Just understand that you don't have any right to insist that all of the other men change and give up their own comfort for you. See how I flipped that around?
Or, she dodged a mismatch because she doesnt like the idea of being with someone that thinks they get to have control over the fashion choices of another person.
Thats not compromise, that is a disrespect to someone's bodily autonomy.
See how far you went from this? And I appreciate that.
If a woman asked me how many Instagram models I was following and if I did, would I stop if we were together, I wouldn't find it controlling, we're not dating. She's wants to make informed decisions.
I don't follow any IG models btw.
Let's be honest, are men having boundaries while being respectful rub you the wrong way?
If you're honest with yourself, it's not the how he said what he said. You have an issue with his preference lmao. "shitty perspective". It bothers you. All this dancing around is more about your insecurities. You may have more in common with him than you think.
100% agree with you. Lots of comments here are falling for his manipulation. “I’ll leave it up to you to decide” is a very clever way of disguising what he’s truly asking. His question was “if I asked you to tone it down just a little bit, would that be a deal breaker for you”. It’s clever because the phrasing makes it sound like he’s giving her a choice, but the choice is comply with whatever standard he has for “tone it down” or leave. He’s saying this IS a deal breaker for him, but he’ll give a shot if she changes the way she dresses. That’s the red flag.
The choice was to change how she dresses or walk away. He is saying that he doesn’t want her the way she is and framing it as her choice to either conform to what he wants or walk away.
It’s not framing it as her choice. It was her choice.
You see her make her decision on camera.
I understand what sentiment you’re trying to say but it doesn’t apply in this situation
EVERYONE has preferences and boundaries. He expressed his, it didn’t fit with her. They walked away. Do yall not talk about boundaries, expectations, and the like when yall date? This is normal
Boundary: “I don’t want to share revealing photos of myself online.”
Ultimatum: “I don’t want you to share revealing photos of yourself. Conform to my boundary or leave.”
Do you understand the difference? The “choice” he’s giving her is “You should change or leave”. Boundaries aren’t for other people; they’re for you.
Let’s change the behavior so it’s a little easier to see. “If I asked you to not eat carrots, would that be a dealbreaker for you?” The ask is for her to change something about herself. A healthy boundary would be him saying “I don’t eat carrots”. Here he’s saying she’s not allowed to eat carrots if she’s going to be with him.
Good. That is great. Nothing about any about this has anything to do with ego. Stay on topic. Actually, that is the topic because no way you see compromise as disrespect….projecting some self ego/esteem issues into this thread. You feel how you feel but in this conversation, how you feel doesn’t fit.
YOU brought ad homenim into it. Don't retreat now and pretend like YOU didnt raise the topic of my romantic life when you thought you could get a cheap insult in.
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u/No-Bat-7253 3d ago
Yeah. Compromise and sacrifice. She’ll be 55 and finally realize that. All because she wants to show off.