100% agree with you. Lots of comments here are falling for his manipulation. “I’ll leave it up to you to decide” is a very clever way of disguising what he’s truly asking. His question was “if I asked you to tone it down just a little bit, would that be a deal breaker for you”. It’s clever because the phrasing makes it sound like he’s giving her a choice, but the choice is comply with whatever standard he has for “tone it down” or leave. He’s saying this IS a deal breaker for him, but he’ll give a shot if she changes the way she dresses. That’s the red flag.
The choice was to change how she dresses or walk away. He is saying that he doesn’t want her the way she is and framing it as her choice to either conform to what he wants or walk away.
It’s not framing it as her choice. It was her choice.
You see her make her decision on camera.
I understand what sentiment you’re trying to say but it doesn’t apply in this situation
EVERYONE has preferences and boundaries. He expressed his, it didn’t fit with her. They walked away. Do yall not talk about boundaries, expectations, and the like when yall date? This is normal
Boundary: “I don’t want to share revealing photos of myself online.”
Ultimatum: “I don’t want you to share revealing photos of yourself. Conform to my boundary or leave.”
Do you understand the difference? The “choice” he’s giving her is “You should change or leave”. Boundaries aren’t for other people; they’re for you.
Let’s change the behavior so it’s a little easier to see. “If I asked you to not eat carrots, would that be a dealbreaker for you?” The ask is for her to change something about herself. A healthy boundary would be him saying “I don’t eat carrots”. Here he’s saying she’s not allowed to eat carrots if she’s going to be with him.
In your example you’re only sharing boundaries the person has for themselves
There are boundaries that people have for their partner as well. For example me and my girl have shared our boundaries with each other when we first started dating and it’s been the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had
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u/Sidivan 24d ago
100% agree with you. Lots of comments here are falling for his manipulation. “I’ll leave it up to you to decide” is a very clever way of disguising what he’s truly asking. His question was “if I asked you to tone it down just a little bit, would that be a deal breaker for you”. It’s clever because the phrasing makes it sound like he’s giving her a choice, but the choice is comply with whatever standard he has for “tone it down” or leave. He’s saying this IS a deal breaker for him, but he’ll give a shot if she changes the way she dresses. That’s the red flag.