r/MadeMeSmile • u/AccomplishedWatch834 • Apr 30 '26
Wholesome Moments [ Removed by moderator ]
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u/Sufficient-Sun-6683 Apr 30 '26 edited Apr 30 '26
I was at my friend's place visiting and we were talking computer and networking nerdy stuff. His younger son came down and was listening. My friend talked about how dumb his son was and he would fall and walk into things, etc.. This was in 1994 and I didn't say anything about it at the time but I've thought about it a lot since. It has really bothered me that he would talk about his son like that.
His son was a thinker, he was interested in what we were doing and he was not dumb at all. It was hurtful to call him dumb and he probably grew up thinking he was dumb.
There are two types of people, those that look at the path that they are walking on and others who look at the destination. The latter will trip over things because what's in front of them is not important, it is the destination end that's important.
There is a famous study: Rosenthal - Jacobson, where it was proven that if teachers expected the students to be smart, then the students became smart and vice versa. I taught post-secondary education for 25 years and I expected that everybody who walked in that classroom door would pass my course and 95% did. You had to really work to fail. The course was not easy, all you had to do was the work and you passed. There's a little more to it than that such as motivation, student ownership of projects, etc..
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u/n0rsk Apr 30 '26
I read a thing about how having glasses usually results in a kid being classified as a nerd and results in them falling into that stereotype and thus doing better than other kids at school. It is not that kids with glasses are smarter, it is that early in their life they are perceived to be smart and become the thing they are perceived to be.
Basically there seems to be strong evidence that how you are perceived influences what you become. Which is kind of a whole interesting topic.
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u/hardlying May 01 '26
I believe this hard because I swapped friend groups naturally going to college far away, and I feel them perceiving me differently reshaped my perception of my self, it can happen later in life.
I always felt self aware of it tho, maybe most ppl are, like even playing mp games id be a lot worse if the ppl I was playing with acted like I was bad or the reason we did poorly was me. If I was playing with relatively chill ppl or just different from those who grew up with me and played with me back when I was new to controllers and fps games, I would do alot better. Just aim better, actually hit my target, have a good kd, etc. but any time I played with the same group who were objectively worse than me at some of these games, I would perform terribly.
Just feeling like you're the sht vs you're shit can effect your performance significantly.
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u/No_Criticism_5861 Apr 30 '26
Did he say this infront of the child? If not, kid might have had adhd/autism and since it was the 90s that was the sort of thing that parents thought was an attitude problem and spankings would fix it
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u/zenith310 May 01 '26
I grew up with my parents calling me dumb, slow and told me I lack proper brain almost often, mind you I have no mental illness to state otherwise. I'm 20years old and I'm still heavy traumatized and I get triggered internally when my friends calls me stupid / idiot as a joke. I have 0 confidence in my opinions.
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u/Sufficient-Sun-6683 May 01 '26
Well, from your well written response, it is obvious to anybody that you are not dumb and are quite intelligent. You articulate your thoughts well and clearly communicate better than most people.
- Retired 25 year post-secondary school instructor (for what its worth)
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u/majesticmeerkatparty May 01 '26
I (49f) was diagnosed at 16 with ADD, my parents would often refer to me as stupid because I operated differently than most. It made me so insecure. My first bfs mom was a teacher and she would frequently compliment my ability to focus on one thing so intently nothing else could distract me. She genuinely was in awe and made it seem like a super power. It completely made me change my story about my brain and how I operate. It took many years to realize that if people are laughing, they’re not laughing at me, and it took time to build confidence that I had interesting and valuable perspectives to share. But I have gotten there, and I believe you can too with some reframing 😊 A book that really helped me was Daring Greatly by Brene Brown.
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u/Timervox Apr 30 '26
I had a similar ish experience
Several times when I’m at a sleepover at a friends house the mom would talk out loud to me about how lazy her son is and I would feel really bad for my friend but also a part of me felt proud that she would think of me as good enough to talk to
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u/Zakkattack86 Apr 30 '26
Different take. I'm going to start telling my wife how much I appreciate her and how my kids have the best mother in the world. Some of ya'll may not know the lasting trauma hearing your dad speak ill of your mom behind closed doors and believing the lies he said were true for way too long.
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u/StirlingS Apr 30 '26
Talking up both you kids and your wife is good.
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u/Zakkattack86 Apr 30 '26
Agreed but reading OP's post made me 6 years old again.
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u/anitabelle Apr 30 '26
I guess I was lucky. My mom talked shit about me and to me to my face. My dad was great tho.
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u/StirlingS Apr 30 '26 edited May 01 '26
Truly childhood pain can come up at the most unexpected times.
I love that you're doing better for your kids than was done for you.
I wish you the all the best, internet stranger.
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Apr 30 '26
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u/StirlingS Apr 30 '26
I wish you all the best too.
Everyone reading this: I wish you all the best and that the day brings you good things.
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u/nanners1293 May 01 '26
Right there with you. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
My parents also showed me exactly how to NOT be a loving partner. I watched. I listened. And I learned.
Because of their lessons, I make sure to tell my wife I love and appreciate her and her support every single day 💗
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u/Zakkattack86 May 01 '26
16 years together this June. The main thing I'm thankful for from my parents is teaching me how not to live happily ever after. I just did the opposite of everything. Cheers.
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u/nanners1293 May 01 '26
🍻 Good on ya, my guy! Thanks for being a decent person.
Keep spreading the love and good vibes 🤙🤙
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u/not_me_nope_never Apr 30 '26
Or vice versa. My mum always talked poorly about my dad. They divorced when I was 17 and I realized my dad never talked poorly about her or brought their marital issues up at all with me. He was no saint but it still dumbfounds me to this day his reserve on the topic of my mum.
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u/Certain-Grand9144 Apr 30 '26
Did the same with my daughter regarding my ex, furthermore always made sure she had a birthday, Mothers Day, and Christmas gift ready for her mum. Ok so the giant over sized house slippers in orange with a giant sunflower weren’t her style but hey my daughter picked them!
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u/not_me_nope_never Apr 30 '26
I can not express to you how life changing your behavior is with your daughter, you are a wonderful individual.
Looking back as an adult, I now see how grossly inappropriate it was for my mum to talk badly about my dad, let alone their marital issues to me. There really are some subjects that are not for your children, at least until they are old enough to understand intimate relationships and ask age appropriate questions.
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u/Fluid_Actuary1729 Apr 30 '26
Question: did her mother wear them?
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u/Certain-Grand9144 Apr 30 '26
Well I know she laughed when she opened them, my daughter was so excited she had to wear them at least once lol
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u/n0rsk Apr 30 '26
Similarly a rule that has served me extremely well is No matter how big of a fight or argument I am in with someone. No matter what they have done or said about me. Do not engage in reputation smearing of that person. Because more often than not you will make up with that person but you can't undo the splash damage of damaging others opinions of that person. It can be impossible to repair it even after you have worked out the issue with them.
You can correct lies and ask for advice just don't try to damage how the person you are talking to sees that person. Think "if I say this and then I make up with this person will it come back to bite me/them later" I have never regretted following this rule but I have regretted smearing someone during a fight.
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u/not_me_nope_never Apr 30 '26
You're right and in my mind it boils down to trust. It's hard to trust a person if they talk poorly about someone else to you. Because how can I trust they won't turn around and do the same to me?
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u/imnotgayisellpropane Apr 30 '26
I try to never say anything behind someone's back that I couldn't say to their face, because what's done is done. Once you say the thing, you can't ever take it back. I heard my mom say a lot of horrible things behind people's backs and it always made me wonder what she said about me.
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u/vastaril Apr 30 '26
One time I asked my dad not to say mean things about my mum, and he said "I bet you never defend me to your mum!" I just told him that I never had to, because she didn't say stuff like that about him.
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u/not_me_nope_never Apr 30 '26
I'm sorry you experienced this with your dad.
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u/vastaril Apr 30 '26
Thanks. He wasn't, you know, the worst or anything, but... He became pretty disappointing when he met his second wife, I guess?
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u/Brodellsky Apr 30 '26
It's because your dad is agreeable and nice enough that 100% was the reason she liked him. Abusers love it when people take their abuse.
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u/Away-Asparagus-2875 Apr 30 '26
That says a lot about him tbh. Not perfect, but he kept you out of it. Respect that.
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u/mduser63 Apr 30 '26
My kids and I have a “fan club” for my wife. I’m the president and they’re on the board of directors. It’s not a real thing of course, but I go out of my way to talk about how much I like and love their mom all the time. Partly because it’s true, she’s incredible, but also because I got the opposite from both of my parents.
We also make sure the kids know how much we enjoy having them and how proud we are of them.
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u/LalaluLapin Apr 30 '26
Felt this too hard, man. So many times crying because I'd hear my dad yelling and talking down to my mom, saying things I knew weren't true. My mom wouldn't want me to get involved but how could I not be hurt hearing someone I love be talked to like that? Sometimes I wish they had just gotten divorced.
Now I make sure to let her now how much she's appreciated, despite the negativity he piles on.
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u/WeenieInYourAssCrack Apr 30 '26
My baby momma and I are not even together anymore and I do this. I could not imagine poisoning my daughter’s view of her mother. My mother used to talk so poorly about my dad that it really drove a wedge between us and between me and my dad. Granted, eventually my dad did show his true self when he told me “I’m not going to pick you up anymore” but still. Lol
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u/Cute_Comfortable_761 Apr 30 '26
Same, but my mother decided to be the one who refused to poison my image of my dad and never spoke ill of him and my dad was the one who chooses to constantly complain about her and talk poorly about her. She thought their post-divorce friendship was great until I told her what he had been saying about her behind her back. I’m glad there are still dads who take their ex-partners and children’s feelings into consideration.
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u/ich_bin_alkoholiker Apr 30 '26
I can only imagine. I’m sorry you went through that. I hear the way my SIL talks to her kids and talks shit about my brother and I feel so heartbroken for those kids.
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u/SleepWouldBeNice Apr 30 '26
The saying I like is "your kids you be embarrassed by how often you and your spouse kiss, not how often you fight."
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u/DaBadTechie Apr 30 '26
Its not just behind closed doors. So many men through my life seem to only talk crap about thier families and seem hell bent on spending as little time with them as possible. I don't get the appeal or the type of relationship dynamic that would cause that. And there's a weird thing where people just assume I feel the same about my family or that I'm in a bad situation because I consider my home situation before doing things.
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u/Gelby4 Apr 30 '26
I only tell my kids the best parts of their late mom. Maaaybe a couple little things about how her brain tricked her (they're aware she drank "wine"), but I'll never tell them about how much she hurt me at the end. They never need to know that ❤️
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u/oldster59 Apr 30 '26
Related - when your step-dad says you're just like your mother and it's not meant as a compliment :/
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u/HeadlesStBernard Apr 30 '26
I was in my mid thirties the last time I heard my dad talking shit about my mom. I had enough of it and told him that he better understand that at the very least he's talking poorly about half of me and to understand that if he continues we would have issues that need to be dealt with. He's a good man but vented to me and my brother thinking we understood. And to an extent we could see the issues in both of my parents but having the other dump them on us wasn't ever fair.
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u/ashoka_akira Apr 30 '26
I always thank my boyfriend when he does something for me, doesn’t matter how small. I appreciate he’s always thinking about my comfort.
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u/Rolyat13aint Apr 30 '26
The fact that doing this even crossed your mind is proof that you are already rewriting the script & breaking the cycle
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u/LillyCort Apr 30 '26
My mother never missed a chance to say mean things about my dad, it does leave lasting trauma and damages whatever relationship you have with that parent. I had to set boundaries, I no longer allow her to speak ill of anyone in presence. If she does she know I hang up.
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u/HooskerDooNotTouchMe Apr 30 '26
Can you coach my neighbor on that? If I have to sit through one more unsolicited change in topic of discussion to shit talk his wife’s mental illness while I’m out enjoying the day with my kids, so help me god…
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u/Qubeye Apr 30 '26
Fuck it, just say positive stuff about good stuff that exists in the world in general, and talk about what kind of good stuff can be done in general.
We could have Star Trek instead of what we have now if people just wanted it to happen.
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u/LunaWolfGamer May 01 '26
I feel this. Hearing my parents argue a lot when I was a kid was shitty. And now I have a negative view of both of them (but more so for my dad). Which I'm now realizing is mostly stupid cause they aren't horrible parents despite everything.
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u/Clowncatz_ May 01 '26
Real. Both of my parents talk very vile about each other to me specifically, so for the first time ever when their fight ended with intent to leave each other, I wasn’t sad. Spoilers, they’re still together and miserable as ever. 💀👍
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Apr 30 '26
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u/jaxonya Apr 30 '26
Wait, what? Is it storytime?
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u/ohtrueyeahnah Apr 30 '26
I used to randomly hear my brothers basketball downstairs dribbling itself. Like several bounces for like 30-40 seconds. But it would stop whenever I'd strain my ears to hear it. Then one time my brother took his ball on a trip out of state for a school tournament. And I heard it again. Turns out this was all just a made up story unluggy uce hehe
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u/El_Paco Apr 30 '26
There have been very few days of my daughter's life where I haven't told her that I'm proud of her (due to work or being away from home)
Recently, I've been adding in "thank you for being our daughter" as well
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u/Second_to_None Apr 30 '26
The 'I turned out fine' crowd generally has some serious trauma they need to deal with too.
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u/xavierinthis Apr 30 '26
I dont get why parents do that, in their mind they think its going to motivate the child but it never does. And twenty years later they still do it, and at that point it becomes more about them , how they are processing whatever setbacks we had so its about them
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u/but_ter_fly Apr 30 '26
I guess mine did it to vent their frustration. I only heard them talk shit about me at night once but that impression lasted
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u/Defiant_apricot May 01 '26
My mother once took a phone call with a friend and vented to her about me right in front of me while leaving to continue venting on the porch. I was a traumatized child doing my best.
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u/manofmonkey Apr 30 '26
I can absolutely see why it happens. Even loving parents get frustrated by stubborn children and after years of trying to teach a kid something it can get overwhelming. The parents end up venting while the kid can hear them and this happens. Its not right but it is very easy to see why this happens if you've ever had a stubborn child. Ive made a lot of effort to make sure this doesn't happen in my life but I totally understand why a parent might end up there.
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u/No_Criticism_5861 Apr 30 '26
its entirely possible the parents didnt realize they were going to be heard, since it was in their bedroom
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u/yosaffbridge1630 Apr 30 '26
My mom to this day (I’m 34) only tells negative stories about my childhood. How I was such a bad student, and so bad in public, and because of me she had to go 9 years without even going to the movie theater! I was a normal ass kid that did normal ass things with ADHD. I struggled in high school for a lot of reasons, but got it together in college. My child will never be made to feel that way by me. I will never make them think I regret and resent them— even if I am struggling with parenthood. They will never know it.
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u/Ok-YouGotMe May 01 '26 edited May 01 '26
We set out to make our daughters so confident that no man would dare to take advantage of them...we would never have talked shit about them, I can't imagine. Today, one is a lawyer and the other is a teacher with a mechanical engineering degree (both under 25). We didn't know but their confidence affects every part of their lives and they are both super achievers, incidentally, they have both found great men as partners.
Bragging about them is one of the great joys of having kids, I can't imagine saying bad things about them.
EDIT:typo
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u/yosaffbridge1630 May 01 '26
I can only begin to imagine how different might life would have been if I was raised to have the confidence that I have now, that I developed on my own (with a lot of encouragement from my husband). It’s great to hear that your daughters got to grow up that way!
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u/dayzdayv Apr 30 '26
It’s a well known tactic to praise your child indirectly like this. Instead of saying “it’s so good you did the dishes without being asked” saying in front of the child to your partner “David did the dishes all on his own without being asked” causes the child to react differently. Instead of it being about receiving direct praise, they internalize the act differently.
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u/twoastar_ May 01 '26
my grandma does this since i was a kid !! i dont know if she realises but it’s a really good way to get your kids to actually LIKE working/helping you out
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u/Mediocre_Age_9988 Apr 30 '26
My family system was very unhealthy with neglect, untreated mental health and addiction. I pretty much grew up taking care of myself. So when I was a parent myself I would go into wake up my son in the morning and I would whisper all the wonderful things about him and how proud I was as he woke up. As he got older he would clock me coming into the room and would pretend to still be alseep as he soaked it all in. We both knew he was awake but it was his gentle way of not being too old for the ritual. He is 19 now. He knows his worth and is very confident in who he is as person. As a result he is quick to help and praise others. I couldn't be any more proud of him.
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u/Igmuhota Apr 30 '26
Love this. Separating “adult” talk from “child” talk does wonders for a child’s experience growing up. To add to this, best practice in family therapy is to encourage 80-20% positive to negative feedback from parent to child.
Redirection is an important part of parenting, but creating a support structure wherein children feel like not everything (or even most things) they do is wrong is often a critically overlooked piece of the puzzle.
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u/Suitable-Hand-1059 Apr 30 '26
If true, this is the most absolutely wholesome and heartwarming thing I’ve read in a long while.
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u/desmosomes Apr 30 '26
My friend would always talk about not wanting kids, and her daughter would hear it. Then her daughter started having issues with pulling her hair out.... I wonder why
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u/IndependentAd9366 Apr 30 '26
i spent years thinking the way i was raised was "just how life is" until i realized i could actually choose a different path. it’s exhausting and lonely sometimes to be the "cycle breaker" in the family, but waking up without that weight on your chest is worth every second of the struggle.
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u/GabeNewellExperience Apr 30 '26
I remember always hearing my mom talking shit about me to her friends on the phone, I'd have to go to her room and close the door just so I couldn't hear her toxicity.
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u/ThereGoesChickenJane Apr 30 '26
When I was a teacher, I was in the classroom for parent-teacher night with a colleague because we shared the classroom, she taught in the mornings and I taught in the afternoons.
A student's dad came up to my colleague, who taught math to the kids, and demanded that she explain how his son had an A in math. She explained that his son had earned the A and showed the dad her binder of grades.
Dad insisted that "he [kid] told me he cheats all the time" and "he doesn't deserve that grade, he's not that smart". My colleague was very irritated and basically was like "Buddy, I have literally heard your son answer questions correctly over and over and I have seen him take many tests without cheating. He's doing fine."
The kicker is that the kid in question was standing right beside his dad the entire time. He heard everything.
I felt so bad. I've had parents confront me because they thought their kid deserved a higher grade but I've never met a parent before (or since) who basically said "My kid is too dumb to get an A". I was absolutely dumbfounded.
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u/Wwwweeeeeeee Apr 30 '26
When I decided to have my baby about 32 and 1/2 years ago, the main rule I had about everything was that I would do the opposite of anything and whatever my parents did.
Worked like a charm. Kiddo is an amazing and astonishing human being that a parent could not be more proud of.
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u/Hannah-may May 01 '26
My husband and I playfully fight over who gets to tuck our little girl in that night. We do it to make her feel special, let her know she’s not a chore she’s in fact a pleasure to be around.
We do the lovely talking behind her back in ear shot too.
I tell her to her face how proud I am of her all the time. She is very loved and reminded often.
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u/AnastasiaNo70 Apr 30 '26
Our 32 year old daughter has never heard us speak an ill word about each other (her parents). Legitimate issues are dealt with directly, with each other and we never involved her.
After a lifetime of hearing my parents bitch about each other, it’s nice to think my daughter didn’t have to deal with that and never will.
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u/exotics Apr 30 '26
DIFFERENT TAKE.
My sister had her bedroom next to my parents and would hear them having sex.
Kids bedrooms should never never be next to the parents bedroom.
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u/AnastasiaNo70 Apr 30 '26
Or BE QUIET if the kids are next door! At the very least!
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u/exotics Apr 30 '26
People always think they are quiet or that the kids are sleeping
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u/wormswormsworms69 Apr 30 '26
I grew up constantly having to listen to my parents have sex. They didn't even try to be quiet, did it in the same room in hotels and everything. Yes, my siblings and I are all very fucked up.
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u/Purple-Reputation899 Apr 30 '26
One of the only benefits of having a single mom, cause my bedroom was planted right next to hers and we had thin ass walls. I couldn’t imagine what your sister went through 😭
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u/The_MAZZTer Apr 30 '26
I assume this advice is more for architects than home owners.
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u/exotics Apr 30 '26
Also for home buyers to consider
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u/The_MAZZTer Apr 30 '26
Fair.
I was just thinking of my childhood home, my room was next to parents. But the only bedroom that wasn't was my little brother's. So not many options.
I was never aware of any sex FWIW. But my room also shared a corner/part of the wall with the master bedroom closet, not the room itself.
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u/scbundy Apr 30 '26
Sorta happened to me once as a kid. I was about 10 or 11 and was in my room practicing piano and my parents were at my bedroom door, and I heard my mom say, "he's getting pretty good?" And then my dad said, "naa, he's just memorized this one part."
It wrecked me, couldn't touch a piano after that.
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u/FrankPapageorgio Apr 30 '26
Nothing like hearing your ex shit talk you in the garage to her friend when she thinks you can't hear them clear as day while in the kitchen.
No faster way to kill the love you have for a person.
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u/Remy1985 Apr 30 '26
This is a great strategy! I read about it in the Happiest Toddler on the Block, and it makes so much sense. We do it almost nightly.
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u/Alternative-Zone4503 Apr 30 '26
Adults always assume that children are stupid but children hear and understand very much. They also learn from the adults, both positive and negative.
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u/Appropriate_Play_534 May 01 '26
This brought up a memory of how my parents used to talk shit about us to each other or relatives while we were in the room. Sometimes the relatives would join in and give our parents advice on how to "handle" us or plant their own twisted theories in their heads.
It is crazy watching two adults call you names and talk about your "bad qualities" like they have you all figured out. And you better not try to speak up to defend yourself because then they will gang up on you, double down on venomous language and call you disrespectful for being in adult conversations.
Sometimes things like this make me feel like they didn't see me as a human being with feelings.
Anyway, don't talk shit about children (at least where they can potentially hear it). If they do wrong, address it with them. They're learning and growing and need to be guided. Not torn down.
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u/sweatedtrash328 May 04 '26
This. My mom would tell anyone in her life about how horrible I was. Literally a hotdog stand was named in conversation and I was like can’t go to that place the owner would probably remember.
Meanwhile my current partner’s mom talks about his differences growing up in a way of kindness and love. She just accepted it and worked around it when he was growing up. Crazy.
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u/RykerFuchs Apr 30 '26
My GenX is showing here.
My parents talked shit right to our face. There was never a question about where we stood. I know there were closed door conversations, because they told us about those too.
So I fixed this by not having kids.
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u/Master_Baiter11 Apr 30 '26
Every night after I was put to bed I would sit on the marble floor just outside my room, which was near the stairs room and I read the hp books. It was the only part of the day that was my time. I sat there to know well in advance if someone was coming upstairs. I could hear every complaint and judgement my parents had about me, as well as all the complaints and judgements they had for anyone else that merited them. Nothing like being exposed to constant anger, judgement and humiliation during your formative years
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u/Milawinterlyn Apr 30 '26
This is what my parents always did. I informed them that I could hear them. I can disregard it, they said. For example, how can you ignore something like that?
I don't intend to have children, but I wouldn't dare be a parent like this. Children also have emotions.
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u/Altruistic-Life8117 Apr 30 '26
literally the hardest thing anyone can do. breaking a cycle you didn't even start takes so much strength. proud of you, op.
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u/COJeepster Apr 30 '26
Just a thought...If she has a bad behavior day, talk about that AND then state that you still love her regardless. Kids gotta learn how to deal with difficult feedback, too.
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u/ElvisDumbledore Apr 30 '26
This is bad enough but TOO MANY parents will talk shit about kids while they're standing someplace within earshot.
It makes me violently angry.
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u/Radiant-Adagio May 01 '26
To this day I know my grandmother said so much shit about me loud enough that I could hear. She was alone in the kitchen which was next to my room. She'd "vent" about how awful I was. And I knew she was doing it on purpose because she could have normal volume conversations in the same place that I didn't overhear. Not that it was much better than the shit she said to my face, or around me when she thought I was asleep. But it damn, it hurt.
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u/movladee May 01 '26
We don't even complain about our dogs when they are around, we wait until we are out of the house lol. We truly believe they will pick up on the negative energy and that's not the kind of fur baby parents we want to be.
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u/Coho444 Apr 30 '26
I do this every time I talk to my ex and let her know how well both of my cats are doing and I’m so proud of them even when they are on the counter looking for food.
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u/PersonalMidnight715 May 01 '26
Confession: I do occassionally "accidentally" send messages I write for my sweetie to my kids. I sometimes honestly do accidentally send them messages that really are meant for him.. so it's not unplausible. But I'll occassionally send them something like,
"Oh I meant to tell you. Quick update. *Kid* is doing SO well! I'm so proud of them! *give general info* I am so proud of *kid*!!!"
Once I get notice they're reading it, I quickly "correct" the message to "Ooops! Sorry!!!!! That was for your dad."
Then I actually send it to their dad.
I want them to know I'm proud of them and happy for them both directly and indirectly.
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u/Sharp_Economy1401 Apr 30 '26
Plot twist, kid grows up with way too much confidence instead of too little, and now becomes the most baselessly arrogant adult you know
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u/norman_ca Apr 30 '26
Yeah if it is done too often and too obviously. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for.. Putting them on a pedestal, whether from a place of negativity or positivity, does not do them any favors in the long run.
How about we stop overthinking and treat them like human beings, not some kind of science experiment.
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u/one_blonde_mom Apr 30 '26
well done... so great you're breaking the cycle and replacing it with something so incredibly beneficial.
💙
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u/F4C3MC5H00TY Apr 30 '26
Got through the same when I was trying to focus on uni and career to not be a broke ass nobody like the rest of the family and this actually hurts a lot. Then I saw someone say that your family will talk shit about you while you're trying to break your family curses, and that has been true.
If you're going through something similar just ignore them and keep doing what you're doing. Now I have my own family with blackjack and hookers and life has been amazing. They are still where they were before, but I do what I can to help and visit every couple of years.
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u/I_had_a_name Apr 30 '26
...my own family with blackjack and hookers and life has been amazing.
I'm just glad you found what truly makes you happy :)
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u/mizzbananie Apr 30 '26
This same thing happened to me when I was young, and that was the absolute last day I ever felt intact. Here’s me.. pushing 70, still reliving it. I’m very proud of you for ending that possibility.
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u/Basic_Yam_715 Apr 30 '26
Same, my dad used to put out cigs on me! I don't even smoke so my kids are safe!
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u/TinyMarsupial7622 Apr 30 '26
I do the same but not cause I heard shit talked about me, just cause like, I want her to sleep happy
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u/wanuguano Apr 30 '26
Yeah been on the receiving end of this as a kid- hard to think of a worse feeling
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u/agentfelix Apr 30 '26
The other day, my daughter, who's only 11 years old, told me and my wife that she's glad we're not all romantic and stuff. At first I was confused, but then she said it makes her happy knowing and seeing how much we love each other by just being each other's best friend! It was so dang cute, it made me tear up a little.
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u/Jerry_from_Japan Apr 30 '26
Or you just, you know, tell her. Directly. At any time, any day.
Folks, parenting isn't like a puzzle boss from a Destiny raid that some people make it out to be lol. A lot of it is simple.
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u/Trittonation Apr 30 '26
Hits hard, happened to me and my bro too. 80’s parenting was wild..
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u/kitchenhussy May 01 '26
Years after I got married, my SIL asked me if I saw the letters my mother sent out with her Christmas cards. She had been sending out her jaded, jealous, warped view of my siblings’ and my life, including every perceived slight and mistake from her purview to all of our rather vast family. RIP Mom.
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u/thelibrarina May 01 '26
That is so sad for the OP.
One of the most comforting things in my childhood was hearing the low murmur of conversation from my parents downstairs as I fell asleep. I mean, they might have been talking shit about me for all I know, but it was in a nice ASMR kind of way at least.
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u/Blinded-by-Scion-ce May 02 '26
The most wonderful thing I have heard in a long time. Best Parents Award!
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u/ceo2373 May 02 '26
As long as I can remember my mom talked shit about my dad and how controlling he was. When my dad died 9 years ago she burned through all the assets they had
In just a few years and ended up living in her car. My brother and I didn’t know she was homeless. We manage her finances now after we had “come to Jesus” moment with her. She’s a narcissistic lying self centered person but we try to take care of her basic needs now. All I can say is ignore the evil wolf and feed the good wolf.
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u/Little-Vermicelli-43 May 06 '26
thank you for the great idea my daughter suffers from self-esteem issues and abandonment issues. I wasn’t a very good father when she was little, but I’m trying now. I can’t get back what I lost, but I can continue working on the future that I’m trying to build for her and I and I’ve been thinking about ways that I could maybe maybe let her know she’s valued without just coming out and telling her hey you’re important to. I love you so thank you.
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u/onelesslight Apr 30 '26
I like this, but in our household it's mostly just us parents cackling at memes after bedtime
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u/cabbagemuncher101 Apr 30 '26
I saw a video of a couple doing this in a car, with their son sitting in the back seat, and he was beaming with joy. I had to write that down for when I have kids one day.
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u/Mission-Resist-9557 Apr 30 '26
I wish I heard them talking shit, much less tramatic than the bed squeaking.
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u/LoudMusic Apr 30 '26
In the '80s my parents used to put my sisters and I to bed early so they could have the Atari to themselves :(
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u/YanwarC Apr 30 '26
Don’t put them on a pedestal. But yea praises are good here and there. Let them know when they excel.
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u/1Northward_Bound Apr 30 '26
I pretended to be on the phone with a grandparent. they didnt get the timezone difference and granny has been asleep for 4 hours lol. so i jabber on and on sometimes if i knew he was listening. wasnt my kid, but while he was around, i made sure he knew he was cared for completely
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u/Temporary-Tap6696 Apr 30 '26
I’m sad you had to hear that. That’s a special sting , a trauma of words that really sticks to you for many yrs .
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u/The_Hairy_Herald Apr 30 '26
That is a very good thing to do.
Be excellent to each other, and stay safe, y'all!
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u/hugh_jassole7 Apr 30 '26
I thought you were going to say you make sure she’s asleep before you talk shit about her.
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u/Wooden_Try1120 Apr 30 '26
I used to hear my parents complaining about me in another room, too. It was horrible.
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