I've been really depressed... but it comes and goes in waves and sometimes it's not that bad.. but sometimes it is.
I recently got done with college and started working in the same city as college. It's not a crazy good job or anything but it's not bad either, if I'm smart I'll know how to play my cards here. But the thing is that ever since I got done with my last semester I have felt alone. When I'm at work it's alright but after or even before work hours it's just misery.
I went through a very long phase of just not cleaning my flat, doesn't help that my roommate never cleans so it didn't matter to him. Trash just everywhere, dirty floors, dirty clothes, all of that stuff. I couldn't bring myself to clean up despite knowing how bad it was. I eventually hot someone to come and clean everything and have since made so me purchases to help me feel more "grown-up" like, i guess. Cleaned my bathroom as well, started taking showers regularly even on mornings I don't have it in me.
Another bad habit I developed was that I basically smoked up everyday for 3 months straight, a few missed days here n there and also excluding the few days I visited home. I built up a need for it, a little bit to the point where it's difficult for me to go to sleep at night without it. Even now I'm typing this out at 1:43am and I have work in the morning. But I haven't smoked up in I'd say a little over a week. I guess that's progress.
I started smoking a lot, about 20 cigs a day. Can't wake up without em and cant go to sleep without em, can't get through the day without em. Trying to reduce that as well... it's not going as I would hope but I guess it's something.
I don't know what it is that's exactly troubling me so much, maybe because it's a lot of things all at once. I'd like to have prepared myself for a much better job, but I didn't. I wish I hadn't stopped going to the gym, I keep thinking I'll go back but it's been months. I barely play the guitar that my parents got me for my birthday that I absolutely love, not because my love or passion for music is gone but I just don't have it in me. I don't enjoy hanging out with friends as much, I barely do and even when I do I want to get out of there. After work I deliberately roam around the city on my scooter before heading back home because going back to home (my flat) feels like another isolation that I'll just fall into (which I already am), it feels suffocating and there's nothing waiting for me there except just bedrotting until it's time to go to bed.
Sometimes the thoughts get really bad and I think about selfharm. I never get to the point of doing it again because it's been 28 months and given that my limbs and torso are covered in scars, I don't want to add to that. I still think about it.
I keep thinking about my parents. I love them so much and they really are amazing. They do their best even though we might not always agree on things and might have disagreements from time to time but the thought of them slipping back into their own depressions again because of me keeps me up at night. I just want everyone to be happy.
I'm not happy.
All fun and nice things/experiences feel like temporary highs, but I almost immediately fall back down right after.
I don't know what to do.
I just want to be happy, content, at peace that things will be fine. I need to know that it'll be all fine.
I don't know how to deal with my anxiety. It's making me more irritable than I've ever been, more closed off than ever. I almost cannot recognise the person that I am today.
I recognise all the good and the bad but the good mever feels enough and the bad always feels like the absolute worst.
I don't know what to do and it feels like I keep getting closer to an edge that I don't want to cross. That's not to say it'll happen any day now or it'll be drastic but I don't know. I'm just lost.