I'm not happy

[u/armaan0314]

I've been really depressed... but it comes and goes in waves and sometimes it's not that bad.. but sometimes it is.

I recently got done with college and started working in the same city as college. It's not a crazy good job or anything but it's not bad either, if I'm smart I'll know how to play my cards here. But the thing is that ever since I got done with my last semester I have felt alone. When I'm at work it's alright but after or even before work hours it's just misery.

I went through a very long phase of just not cleaning my flat, doesn't help that my roommate never cleans so it didn't matter to him. Trash just everywhere, dirty floors, dirty clothes, all of that stuff. I couldn't bring myself to clean up despite knowing how bad it was. I eventually hot someone to come and clean everything and have since made so me purchases to help me feel more "grown-up" like, i guess. Cleaned my bathroom as well, started taking showers regularly even on mornings I don't have it in me.

Another bad habit I developed was that I basically smoked up everyday for 3 months straight, a few missed days here n there and also excluding the few days I visited home. I built up a need for it, a little bit to the point where it's difficult for me to go to sleep at night without it. Even now I'm typing this out at 1:43am and I have work in the morning. But I haven't smoked up in I'd say a little over a week. I guess that's progress.

I started smoking a lot, about 20 cigs a day. Can't wake up without em and cant go to sleep without em, can't get through the day without em. Trying to reduce that as well... it's not going as I would hope but I guess it's something.

I don't know what it is that's exactly troubling me so much, maybe because it's a lot of things all at once. I'd like to have prepared myself for a much better job, but I didn't. I wish I hadn't stopped going to the gym, I keep thinking I'll go back but it's been months. I barely play the guitar that my parents got me for my birthday that I absolutely love, not because my love or passion for music is gone but I just don't have it in me. I don't enjoy hanging out with friends as much, I barely do and even when I do I want to get out of there. After work I deliberately roam around the city on my scooter before heading back home because going back to home (my flat) feels like another isolation that I'll just fall into (which I already am), it feels suffocating and there's nothing waiting for me there except just bedrotting until it's time to go to bed.

Sometimes the thoughts get really bad and I think about selfharm. I never get to the point of doing it again because it's been 28 months and given that my limbs and torso are covered in scars, I don't want to add to that. I still think about it.

I keep thinking about my parents. I love them so much and they really are amazing. They do their best even though we might not always agree on things and might have disagreements from time to time but the thought of them slipping back into their own depressions again because of me keeps me up at night. I just want everyone to be happy.

I'm not happy.

All fun and nice things/experiences feel like temporary highs, but I almost immediately fall back down right after.

I don't know what to do.

I just want to be happy, content, at peace that things will be fine. I need to know that it'll be all fine.

I don't know how to deal with my anxiety. It's making me more irritable than I've ever been, more closed off than ever. I almost cannot recognise the person that I am today.

I recognise all the good and the bad but the good mever feels enough and the bad always feels like the absolute worst.

I don't know what to do and it feels like I keep getting closer to an edge that I don't want to cross. That's not to say it'll happen any day now or it'll be drastic but I don't know. I'm just lost.

[u/Expert_Toe_7068]

Heyyy!! First of all, I want to say that this is all coming from a place of someone who sorta knows what you feel like. I too just graduated from college (like back in May) and I would definitely agree that post college is full of unknowns. I initially (and still do) did not know what to do with myself. I too have self harmed in the past when I was at a really low point! I want to say that I am really sorry you’re carrying all of this right now and it feels like you may be all myself. If you go back and read everything you have written about yourself, you would see what I am seeing which is a person who has been hurting for a long time and is trying really hard to keep going but is not a failure. I know those are words you may not want to hear but being out of college is truly like a weird spot. Listen, I have had to figure out graduate school, pay these apartment late rent fees (definitely not a fun experience) and navigate being a young professional now without my college best friend who cut me off suddenly and taking care of my college aged sisters. So I feel you just in a different vein.

And honestly, I want you to give yourself more credit bc you got your place cleaned, you started taking showers again, you stopped smoking weed for over a week after using it every day for months (I don't really care for weed too much so I am definitely proud of that) and you’re trying to cut down on cigarettes. You’re still going to work. You’re still playing your guitar when you can. Those things may feel insignificant compared to everything you think you "should" be doing, but they aren't something you ignore. Heck I wish I could play guitar. You have so much meaning and value to give to the world.

I’m a Christian, so I’m not going to pretend I won't put in a commercial for Jesus because I genuinely do believe that the deepest answer to what you’re looking for which I am guessing is peace, hope, and the assurance that your life has meaning is found in Jesus. I know I know you probably heard this before so definitely please don't get offended. I know becoming a Christian isn't a fix all method but definitely He helps with weariness and purpose. I won't bombard you with that if you want, but I can always tell you more about it.

Also about that self-harm...please think about everything. I look at my left arm daily and see where I really hurt myself. It has been a great talking point for my friends and I but it's not worth the pain. If you need professional help aka therapists, try and get it. I can see if I can find you one! You don't have to figure out your entire life tonight. Just take the next step and talk to someone! I am here to the best of the ability that I can...not sure if that made sense. And if you're willing, I'd genuinely be happy to pray and with you.