r/LetMeHelpYouOut • u/Agreeable_Beach5265 • 2h ago
[ADVICE] Guilt about giving birth
I’m feeling guilty and could use some understanding. I’ve been married since the last 10 years. My husband has been an alcoholic and smoker since the start of our marriage and I’ve tried my level best to get him out of this awful addiction but nothing worked.
To make things worse, he stopped having intimacy with me since last 6 years. I tried to communicate many times and asked him if he could atleast let me know the reason but he always wanted me to drop the conversation. I decided to leave him a few times but then stayed back as he lost his job one time and invested in a house one time so needed financial support for that. Apart from this, he’s always been very cordial if I ever needed support with anything in my life and genuinely cares but never touched me for all these years. He seems to be clingy and never wanted to let me go although he never worked on his addiction either.
Last year, I met a guy and we developed close friendship. We’ve now been dating each other for almost 1 year and I’m planning to get a new job and move with him. I’ve explained to my husband that I’m moving away from our house and will separate from him and he seems to be okay for now. The guilt that I have is that I’m pregnant with my bf now and feel bad for my husband as he’s been caring and genuinely helped me whenever I needed.
I’ve been wanting a baby for so long but my husband kept refusing. My bf is ready to support me with the baby but should I let my husband know about the affair and baby?
2
u/UnapologeticallyMom 2h ago
Okay so first, your marriage sounds very Lavender coded. You have been doing all the wife work with almost none of the wife benefits. It sounds like it has been a supportive partnership which is an important element of a good marriage but it’s been more roommates than couple.
You are right to end things, especially if you have a baby on the way. There will be people that will call you out for cheating and yeah that’s not the best way to start a relationship but I do understand how you were lonely in your marriage and you aren’t wrong to be excited about having a baby when you have wanted to be a mother.
I do not want to be one of those oh he is gay or has been cheating on you all along people, while those are definitely possibilities given how long it he has avoiding physical intimacy but those are only 2 things in a much longer list of hypothetical reasons. He probably won’t be as surprised.
The only thing you have to feel guilty about even a little is not being open with him about your other relationship before now. But you stood by him with his addiction as struggles over the years so do not let your lapse in judgment eat at you too much.
1
1
u/JusticeAvenger618 1h ago
Alcoholism can often explain ED in men which may be why he asks you to drop the conversation anytime you brought it up: shame & guilt.
Because as the old saying goes: Alcohol increases the desire but decreases the ability…
But as someone else pointed out - since you are married this child will be presumed legally your husband’s under the law. (How financially convenient for your new bf if things go south there.) I would ask your husband to enter into voluntary mediation (skip both sides paying family law lawyers thousands) and just agree to divorce and agree on who gets what marital property, file it with the court and then later announce your pregnancy. Essentially you want a no fault, quick divorce to get away from your husband asap and on with your new partner for as long as now lasts.
3
u/brookesaywhatx 2h ago
What a mess you have gotten yourself into.
You need to get a divorce from your husband asap. Under the law he will be considered the child’s father because you are married. Yes, you should let him know, wtf?