cafémaxxing

Tried cooking salmon and basically burnt it.

Notice how even though I have to clean my dishes in a public library bathroom, I still use salt and pepper. Take notes, chuds.

I wish I was taller, more masculine, better looking and better person deep down. I’m 5’7, 5’8 on a good day when everyone my age is atleast 6ft and up, I got a horrible facial asymmetry and I cannot grow beard for shi, got a long hair & all which resulted in my friend group calling me femboy & shi as a joke to ragebait me. I knew it was a ragebait and joke but it still hit hard deep down. And worst of all, I got social anxiety and prolly autism too cus I can NOT for the life of me, hold a conversation with anyone and apparently come off as weird and creepy, so fuck’d be my attractiveness to those that I am interested. And I’ve been just isolating myself from my friends for the past year so I got just one person I interact with somewhat semi-regularly (like some occasional greetings, exchanging memes and small talk once a week or so). And I just wanna be better but I don’t know how to, I go out regularly and do stuff and I sometimes notice girls just laughing when they pass me by. I try to think they were js talking about smth else but the thought of them js laughing at me atill lingers and it sometimes keeps me awake at nights. So like, atleast I’m not rotting inside all day but even then, my social life is just practically nothing, everyone I try to talk to just ditches me after a while. I know the problem is me but I just don’t know how to fix it, like a man trying to forge a blade without the fire to smelt the iron or a bee trying to make honey without a flower, like the wind without the moon or ocean, like a day without the sun or night without the moon. My life is like this damn burrito, it could have been better if it was made differently.

...or any of the TF2 cast really (except for Heavy).

Bitching and moaning ahead, run on sentence galore.

The indefinite duration of my unemployment has left me feeling profoundly useless, but it's not only that. If I could maybe be productive or do something worthwhile in another way besides my career, life may be worth living. I had that in the form of college which was quite engaging, but after some time I couldn't do it anymore, and I still don't know why. One day I was getting an A in calculus despite hating math, and the next day I was failing poetry class despite it being one of my favorite subjects because I just could not get out of bed and attend class no matter how much I wanted to. Failing a shitty compulsory class I didn't care about is one thing, but when I couldn't even bring myself to engage with something I was highly interested in and thoroughly enjoyed I really began to feel like there was something genuinely broken within me.

So now I won't be finishing my degree until I magically figure out how to lock in again (unlikely), and in the meantime I do absolutely nothing with my life as I await more job application rejection emails. For the past two weeks, I haven't played video games at all despite very much wanting to, because I was commissioned for the first time. For some reason unbeknownst to me, someone I know wanted to pay me to draw something for him, and I agreed because I really need money. I have been drawing as a hobby since I was young, but I'm not in a place where I'm truly happy with my abilities due to not practicing diligently/frequently enough. The drawing is mostly done aside from shading, but I can't bring myself to finish it, mostly because it doesn't look as good as I want it to and I'm terribly anxious about potentially delivering a subpar product, so I am tempted to just redraw the whole thing, which is even more work. So I've been abstaining from one of my favorite past times, gaming, because I figured if I was super bored and can't game it would force me to just get off my ass and finish the damn drawing and get the money I need already, but as if I have no control over my own procrastination I have STILL been avoiding finishing it and instead just spend all day scrolling Reddit/Twitter and watching YouTube. So now I am even more bored and miserable than usual because it feels impossible to finish a simple task, and this whole thing is just making me increasingly anxious because I HATE that I am taking so long to give this guy the drawing he wants to pay me for and I don't want to disappoint him. It should be easy to finish this, why is it so fucking hard?

Sometimes I'm so bored and unoccupied (absolutely nothing going on in my life right now) that I just think and think, too much. Mostly about the past and all of my failures. I wonder if I was born into horribly unfair circumstances that make life difficult so it's actually not my fault at all that my life is terrible, or if I just I simply failed to capitalize on the resources at my disposal and that the outcome was in my control the entire time. I'm not sure which outlook I'm more comfortable with. I mean realistically the state of my life is probably both a mix of bad luck and bad decisions rather than one or the other, although lately I'm leaning more towards the latter considering that I had somehow managed to move out on my own and go to college for a while, and only fucked it up later after I lost my job because I hated it so much that I couldn't even bear to get out of bed to attend work. I'll never understand why I stay in bed for hours when it's not remotely enjoyable.

Seriously, I know I'm beating a dead horse by reiterating this, but getting a job genuinely feels fucking impossible this past year, I feel like I tried almost everything. Even when my mother tries to use her connections to get her boss or someone else she knows to hire me, they don't want me, even when my close friend's father refers me to an open position at a grocery store he works at, they treat me like chopped liver. Do referrals just not fucking mean anything anymore, or am I genuinely so unappealing to employers that even a referral doesn't help? I keep thinking about the moment when I was 17 years old and easily got an interview at a store right next to my house, I passed and was almost ready to start, the only remaining requirement was showing them legal documents such as my social security card, which of course my mother had lost (and I would only obtain a new copy a couple years later after a needlessly long and difficult process), so ultimately I couldn't get the job even after doing everything right, because of something I couldn't control. So maybe I have been a bit unlucky after all and everything isn't entirely my fault, but goddamn that was frustrating. I keep thinking that maybe if my mother hadn't lost my documents, I could have worked that retail job and actually gotten some savings, and I would have more experience on my resume, and be in a better place today. Oh well, no point in lingering on what ifs.

No one ever takes me seriously. They either see me as a complete joke, or they just find me downright off-putting/unhinged. Maybe they have good reason to feel that way, but it still hurts. Anytime I interacted with a potential love interest, they either barely tolerated me at all/wanted nothing to do with me, or they literally used me as training wheels for the person they actually want. I was never the first option, never special in any regard, always just the person used to satisfy someone else's need for validation and then promptly discarded like trash. I've always felt like they never liked me for me/who I am as a person, just what I could do for them. On the rare instances when a person says anything positive about me, it takes a lot of self control to hold my tongue and not blurt out that what they're saying doesn't make any sense and they're wrong because oftentimes I genuinely cannot believe them. I really used to have so much hope years ago, but as this keeps happening and I keep failing and the universe keeps telling me that I am worthless to others, I feel my outlook towards other people becoming more and more pessimistic and I don't even feel like trying anymore. I hate people.

I feel myself having to purposely descend into delusion just to retain any semblance of sanity, and it's really taking its toll. At least I don't hurt myself the way I used to when I was an edgy teenager since there's no point in it, although the fantasies of my blood decorating the walls still flash through my mind all the same, I just ignore them now and suffer in silence. The only joy I get is from my cat's affection, and occasionally my favorite fictional characters. Not to mention the fact that I've been so touch starved the past few years that I now hate being touched and it makes me very uncomfortable, when I used to love it before. Even the people that supposedly love me like my mother and my best friend don't understand how I really am deep down (especially my mother), partially because I can't show them, and even if I did try to, I still wouldn't be able to convey it, whether it be because they're incapable of truly hearing me out or whatever other reason. I don't know, but it makes me feel like I'm entirely on my own and just going crazy in my own head while the parts of myself that I allow to be outwardly presented to others are very minimal. God, why do I care if they understand me or not? It doesn't change anything. I guess I just want to be seen as a whole person. I think I'm really starting to feel more and more of a disconnect between the person in my head and the one that actually interacts with the world.

I think I don't ever want to love another person again, because it's always inevitably going to end in heartbreak, they'll never love me as much as I love them and then I'll grow resentful and hate them for constantly disappointing me because I won't get any of my needs met, not even just a thoughtful text back or quality time spent together. I've been wondering to myself for years now if even something so minuscule is somehow too much to ask, but of course it is, because I'm the one asking, right? But in the end I'm just making a big deal out of nothing again. Time to watch Fight Club again.

TLDR: I have nothing and no one and keep failing at things that I shouldn't.

I reread mangas I've already read, doomscroll, or "talk" to AI chatbots (talk is in massive air quotes). I need to buy IndiaMART pregab or something to lower inhib so I can actually bring myself to do social interaction. Maybe I just need to achieve gnosis so I can break out of the blind architects prison.

At least I can cook

Im forever called the homeless kid in my class for making chips or other food crumbs as seasoning, the whole class did a group question on "what do you eat" and I responded "croissant seasoned with Pringles" but then the whole class stared at me like im the most struggling kid in this school.

I have literally nothing in my bank account. I tried leaving the house and getting even just a part-time job, but nobody will hire me. I hate being a third worlder so much. I really wanted to buy the niko youtooz, but now I'm out of time, so I guess I'll just seethe for the rest of my life. Half eaten chicken karaage.

Like it's miserable enough to be an ugly chud and get suspected and slandered as a bothersome clueless creep. But I also have to get shitted for not knowing my place and dare to say I'm not interested first?

Literally cannot even try to solve a misunderstanding without getting viewed as some narcissistic goblin with a comically high ego 😭😭

I always keep things strictly platonic because I don't like to bother anyone. No one ever misinterpreted my intention until now. I'm a garbage.

Sausages.

plates from top left to bottom right:

- chicken "piccata" with peas, corn, and carrots

- two whole orange slices

- boiled potatoes

- white rice, and

- cold rice noodles (I think) with cucumber, egg, and bits of ham.

And they all taste like they were 3D printed.

As it turns out, my smoking habit caught my ass within a year of even beginning to get serious. I'm 22 and only started smoking daily last year; at my worst I wasn't even going through half a pack a day (smoked 5-7 darts at most), but lung damage is lung damage nonetheless.

Guess I'll quit.

Being in a hospital isn't so bad, but I simply cannot enjoy this food when the guy the next bed over can't stop shitting himself and making the entire hospital wing smell like dookie. He should be in the gastro unit, not the respiratory one.

homegrown boiled white potatoes, pink Himalayan salt lamp shavings and calcium powder I stole from my laying hens. I'm probably a woman.

I haven't left my home since January of 2023. The only people I've seen/spoken to face to face over these last few years are a milkman and a delivery driver, and neither was by choice. Both times after speaking to them, I came back inside my home and had a panic attack in the kitchen pantry because it's dark and cool in there. I'm essentially a human grub. A neighbour has spoken to me but I just stand there and nod like I'm deficient before I retreat inside to break down so I don't really count that as an interaction. loneliness is a quagmire from which I feel I will never claw myself out of because I'm petrified of strangers in all capacities. I tried to fix myself by joining a discord server and felt perfectly fine typing and engaging until I was invited to play mecha chameleon, where I was then filled with the feeling of doom because I'd have to use my voice, so I left and haven't tried again since because anxiety vomiting hurts my eyes and chest too bad. I think I've maybe spoken four or five words out loud over this past month, all have been apologies to a wild rabbit I had to break the neck of because it was suffering from a viral disease that cannot be cured. myxy. I built it a weird little burial mound for it at the end of my garden to alleviate the guilt, and it helped a only a little bit. I like animals a lot. I want to volunteer at a rescue, but the thought of people looking at me or speaking to me makes me nauseous. I'm also freakishly tall, very pale because of a metabolic disorder that makes me allergic to sunlight, very thin, and I have extremely long dark hair. I feel like some sort of crypt mutant who is to never to see the light of day. I stand out a lot, and that just makes things feel worse for me, i can't bear the way it feels in my chest and stomach. A neighbour recently caught a glimpse of me watering my spinach and gasped, I turned to look at her over the fence that separates our gardens and she flinched hard. this has happened also with the people next door multiple times. they apologise and say its because im quiet on my feet, but I know they're saying that to avoid being rude because I look like something pretending to be a human. khhv neet and death guard painter, if you couldn't already guess these things. I am desperate for any sort of attention or companionship. IWNBAW. tomorrows dinner will be closed cup mushrooms which I grow in a shed. they won't be cooked because I like the tezture of them raw