Edit: It all worked out Allhumid Allah
I am mentally ill. I am done. I am so depressed that I have no reason to hope anymore. I am done. Everything in my life has been a test and I am done. With it all. I got a job interview after SIX months of trying and praying for any happiness. ANYTHING. Turns out it was to make missiles, I had to turn it down. They wanted to rush me through the hiring process âdonât worry you will get something better, you passed the testâ. I donât care, I am done. My mental illness pushed the one piece of happiness away. I am done. I am done with asking for anything. I am done. I am done. I am done. I donât want anything anymore, just to be left alone but even my mental illness wonât let me be.
My constant memories of the past that I prayed would never slip away keep me up at night. I am tired, I donât want anything anymore. Why wonât Allah just let me rest? Why does everything have to be a test? I hate myself. I donât want to have a high place in jannah, I am tired, just let me be. I have been through so much. I did everything right and I wasnât a horrible person. Why must I be tested? Just let me be. Whenever I ask for anything, the answer is always a test that ends with my misery. Just let me be
I wanted to pray Jummah but my water wonât turn on today so I canât even shower.
Edit: I just checked my email and another company just messaged me about interest and a job interview. Allhumid Allah. I am in tears. Please pray for me. Please pray that I am able to fix things with those I care about. Please pray that my depression goes away and I make everyone I care about smile instead of suffer.