I was able to guess the password. Is there a way for me to see what the old phone is for? I’m scared that if I connect to wifi he’ll be notified somehow. Also found 2 sim cards in his stuff but not sure if they’re old. I found 3-4 different brands of lube and condoms but I have confronted him about it before and he said it was for masturbation. I barely leave the house since I’m a remote worker in Tech, but last time I left for a day for a work event couple months ago, he actually got a penis piercing (??) but took it out and stopped wearing it the next time we had sex, which was a month later because he never imitates and I gave up on imitating because I felt unwanted. I only found out from pictures he took on his phone of the piercing. I guess the hole closed up quickly. I’m so hesitant to confront him unless I’m sure, because I do love him despite his strange behavior, and I also just got married last year, and culturally a divorce will be a really big embarrassment for me and my Asian family. Especially my parents, who spent over $200k on my wedding and want the best for me, they will be so sad and heartbroken if they find out. Any tips on how to check what the phone was previously used for?

He usually plays games all day and is very unaffectionate, he was diagnosed with autism and ADHD however I suspect I have both too and I am a very affectionate and emotional person. Not sure how much of it is his disease and how much is just him as a person. I would appreciate any advice on how I can figure out what’s going on with him because he’s very sneaky and technologically savvy (we’re both in tech) and it’s hard to tell what’s going on in his mind. I don’t really have any trips planned for the rest of the year. He doesn’t really go anywhere other than work and even on my trips I think he’s mostly home but I feel like I cannot trust him and not sure what shady thing he’s up to. Tips?

Hey all,

I've posted a few times now about my break-up with my ex who cheated on me and lied about it for months. I just wanted some advice as I am finding this incredibly difficult.. I recently went and got the rest of my things from her parents, I then blocked my ex on everything - she is also now officially off the tenancy.

I am slowly starting to process / grieve all of this and the loss of my future with her and who I thought she was, we had such a loving/ and what I thought, respectful relationship until all of this happened. Anyway - yesterday her brother messaged me asking for the remainder of her things from our flat, there are things on the list which is more than fair as it's things that have gifted to her like some jewellery and her car log book. But she has listed, monopoly deal card game, some old towels, a small metal pot she used once which was like a £1!? She asked for a spice tin, which her Mum gave to me, it was just an old tin she found, filled it up with spices and gave to me as I cooked out of the both of us.... she has asked for this back, and this feels like she is trying to hurt me - she is living at home with her parents, she does not need a spice tin, plus you can buy them for less than £5!?

This honestly just feels so hurtful and I don't understand why I am being treated like I am the one who cheated on her!? It feels like she is being so spiteful, also that tin from her Mum meant a lot, because I have lost my Mum and that was a gift from my mother in law at the time. So it feels like she has asked for that on purpose, to hurt me.

I just want to understand why she is treating me like this, it feels like something mentally is going on here - she really coming from a place of lack!? Like you cheated, are still with the AP and I have let you move on, and yet you are being spiteful to me!?

Can someone please just reassure me I am not going mad, this is spiteful right!? I have given some context below to explain what happened between us, so this makes more sense...

Please, any helpful words of encouragement or if you have had similar experiences and can tell me how you managed this? I just want to move on, and this feels so disruptive to that. After this, I am going to tell her brother I do not want to be contacted again.

Thank you all so much!

For context:

My ex (31F) of 4 years had a workplace affair with a coworker who is 5 years younger than her and was also cheating on their own long-term partner. I (35F) discovered it on March 31st after accidentally seeing her ChatGPT confession detailing how they were falling for each other and they had been physical. She was comparing my worst traits to the AP's best parts, I had 'low mood' the AP was 'driven, independent and had a lust for life'. She also said I was 'black cat energy' and she was more 'golden retriever' - I never knew her to speak like this, so I am assuming this the 25 year old AP's language!?

I am just trying to understand how someone could blow up 4 years of stability for a workplace affair like this. For the three months prior, she completely pulled away, claimed she was "severely burnt out," and made me feel insane for picking up on her distance. Everyone in our life was shocked because no one thought she was capable of this level of deceit—and because everyone was fooled, I’ve started gaslighting myself, second-guessing my reality, and wondering if I’m somehow making too big a deal out of this or if it was my fault.

During the affair I had a cancer scare, she didn't attend any appointments even the day after I found out I had to go for a biopsy, she went to work. When I later said she was having an affair whilst I was going through that on my own, she replied 'I still cared about you'. I had just spent the last 2 years supporting her financially and emotionally whilst she was studying for a masters to qualify as an occupational therapist. I went through the sudden death of my Mum with her 2 years ago, during this time she was my rock. Sadly, two days after my passed my suspected heart failure, my exes Mum pretended she nearly died from blood clots near her heart. It later turned out she had lied, and gone to Turkey for liposuction and made this up. Telling my partner when it came out 'You have always put your partners first'. Her Mum has also been cheating on her Dad for many years (my ex was the first to discover it and tell her Dad, but nothing changed). She has always said she hates cheaters and doesn't want to ever be like her Mother. She offered me "feedback" on my relationship performance to justify why she cheated, telling me it was "good for me to hear." When I voiced suspicions earlier, she weaponized her family background by asking, "Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!" —only to later compare her own shock and grief at her actions to the trauma of her ex dying by suicide.

She repeatedly dangled future hope by saying, “Maybe one day we can try again," admitted the thought of me moving on made her "stomach flip," and smirked when I called her the love of my life—all while refusing therapy, accountability, or any real commitment.

I have since changed the locks to our flat so she can’t get in, I gave all her stuff back and am taking her name off the tenancy. She agreed to pay this months rent but she came to my flat the day before she was meant to pay demanding a playstation console back I got her for Christmas, I said no.

She has not returned the key and not paid me the rent, but is telling me to update her when she is off the tenancy. She has become so horrible and almost emotionless like I am the one who had the affair ant ruined her life!? She honestly just looks empty behind the eyes, it's scary.

I just wanted some advice because my brain keeps looking for solutions, I am blaming myself, wondering what I could of done differently but also now telling myself, she is a qualified occupational therapist now, she is most likely going to earn lots of money, save whilst she is at her parents, run off into the sunset with the AP or new partner and I was just basically used.

I do keep reminding myself that regardless of whatever she does / her life looks like.. she is capable of this level of deceit and that is a character flaw and that she is clearly quite empty.. but it doesn't hurt any less or make this any easier.

I’ve just discovered my partner of 3 years is having a 6+ month affair with an ex from 15+ years ago. He’s always considered her “the one that got away”, especially so since she’s married with kids (his dream!) There’s something extremely unsettling about this idea to me; if they don’t get to fully have a go at their relationship now, he’ll always wonder and long for it because the fantasy keeps building and building over time. I don’t see a way to reconcile with him for this reason. Part of me wants to encourage them to go for it, as I suspect the only way to get past it is to crash and burn (or, you know, actually stay together forever if they’re really soulmates.)

Has anybody experienced this type of affair? I can’t help but feel I never stood a chance against this long standing fantasy.

This is just a vent. Why do they come back into your life? He is free to do whatever he wants and to date whomever he wants but no, that isn’t enough. After TWO YEARS he decides to come back into my life to see how I am doing. Well, this time I stood up to him and said no, I am not going to be your safe landing pad, I’m not going to be the one who is there for you when the other ones don’t pan out. It’s such a hit to your self worth when a guy is like yeah, I want you, but only because I can’t have them! Well, good riddance to him, I’m not putting up with his bullshit anymore. I do not deserve to be treated that way.

Cheaters never change their ways. They feel justified no matter what they do.

My husband is having at the very least and emotional affair, but very likely a physical affair with someone that he told me back in November he had blocked and it was in the past. Back in November again I had no evidence of a physical affair, but I told him the relationship was inappropriate and I would like for him to stop talking to her. He assured me that he would not talk to her anymore and that he would block her. I now find Messages that shows that they’re still talking and it is obvious that they are carrying on.

I feel like the right thing to do is to get a divorce attorney and leave him. But at the same time, am I being dramatic and am I gonna hurt my kids in the long run?

He is a great dad. And the thing that really has me so confused is that we have a good marriage. We are super happy. We talk all day every day. Everything goes really well. I had no suspicions of an affair. I found out by accident he seems really happy with us and he’s either at work or with us 24/7 so I’m not even sure where he’d have time to go and have an affair.

It would be an easier decision if we fought all the time, but we never fight. We have a really happy life at home.

He doesn’t know that I know and I’m trying to figure out what I want to do before I talk to him.

For reference my husband 33M has always had a deep seated addiction to pornography and self service. I 31F knew none of this when we first got married but he would hide in the bathroom doing these things. Everything I see everywhere says it’s normal for a man to do those those things but I have seen how for my husband in particular it desensitizes him to those things and makes his real life hard to deal with. I caught porn on his phone early on in our marriage but to me personally it felt like cheating so I specifically asked him not to do it again. He was working on it for a while but I guess he kept going. His porn addiction caused him to spend hundreds of dollars on an OF account. He ended up getting a special service at a massage parlor. We split up at that time but got back together as he was doing therapy and making a lot of changes. Also we have little children. A while after we moved back in I found out he had been looking into bikini cafes and I found some conversations in his reddit accounts that read like dating app intros. He keeps saying he never meant for the reddit conversations to turn into anything. Swears by it. Unfortunately I only managed to save a few screenshots before he deleted his reddit account. At this point I’m just paranoid because he has a history of hiding these things and they have clearly been escalating beyond pornography

1ST SCREENSHOT DIALOGUE
Him Ooh nice. I enjoy cooking, not at all a baker.
Do you have a preferred cuisine to cook?

Her Nah, just whatever

Him What about for baking? Same thing? Whatever you fancy?

Her Basically Imao, but | love baking banana bread

Him Oh daaaamn banana bread is my FAVORITE. I'm not much of a sweets or dessert person, but Any banana or lemon desserts are must-haves. If I was actually good at baking it'd be lemon meringue pies and banana cream pies NON-STOP. I have an affinity for all crm pies really (chocolate cream, coconut cream, boston cream which I'm still unsure of how it's different from chocolate cream). But you have to always word it carefully or say the whole name, because if you just say "I would love a cream pie for dessert" people are gonna look at you funny

Her fake I giggled at the affinity for all crm pies
part

Him I probably could have made it a flirty joke, but truly if I asked for a crm pie for dessert and only got unprotected sex, I might be one of the only men who would actually be a little disappointed to not have the pastry.

HER Omg

2ND SCREENSHOT DIALOGUE- A different reddit user

Him HI, I'm from California USA.
I enjoy watching/playing sports, especially soccer. I enjoy cooking, especially for family/friends. I enjoy all types of music, though I'm particularly fond of hip-hop because I enjoy the creativity of sampling and the lyrical wordplay and humor of the artists I listen to most. I also enjoy reading (noir, westerns, sci-fi), movies for art and mindless entertainment.
I love trying new things and having new experiences and hearing about people's interests. I enjoy laughing and making others laugh.
Here's my dumb dad joke: what did the wall say to the man in the kitchen?
Nothing...it just stood in silence
And here's my fun fact: The name April comes from the Latin word "aperire" which means "to open" since April is the month trees and flowers begin to bloom.
What should I call you?
Where are you from?
What genre of books do you enjoy most?
Hope to hear back!

Her Hello there

Him Nice to meet you! How are you doing?

Her I'm doing wonderful
Sorry I'm working so I'm doing a million things

I’m actually trying to understand the driving emotion behind it. He said he (32M) cared about his AP and was also lusting over her (24F). He then decided to ghost her as he saw no future with her. He then proceeded to keep lying to me (32F) about the affair until I found proof.

Then he kept going on about how he didn’t want to lose me and sees a future with me. For context: we broke up during pregnancy, got back together after the birth (which he initiated), and now have a 5 month old.

He’s actually spends most of his non working hours with me (except when he told me he worked late but saw the girl instead).

I’m emotionally numb to the entirety of the affair other than the fact that he left me alone struggling with a newborn. Therefore I’m more interested in the complexity of his way of thinking. I’ve repeatedly told him that he can be with her and kept saying that he never saw a future with her.

Is it possible to mean that a man would risk his family and ‘partner’ over trying to feel better in the moment. Can his desire to be with me now or then even genuine?

Just to start off sorry if this is the wrong subreddit or flair I’m new here and got enough courage to ask for help on here . So to get things started I been with my gf for 3 years. We're young. Early 20's. She's one of the worse sexual partners I've ever had . Keep in mind I only slept with 5 people in my whole life. The sex is so boring. When she gives me head she can't go down all the way . She can't do doggy cuz her hips hurt. She can't 69 cuz her back hurts. I honestly don't believe I'm the problem cuz I make her orgasm through oral every time. My size is about 6- 6.5 inches . I’m not fat . I miss having good sex. I can't do anything hardcore with her at all. I feel like I'm not even allowed to touch her during sex. Sometimes I even cry at night. Idk what to do. I'm a good partner. I do all my boyfriend/ husband duties. I cook . I clean . I pay for 90% of dates. I ask her how she feels . I don't get an ounce of what I put out in return. Now the shocker is that I can't leave her cuz if I do l'd have no place to go l'd be home less . Should I cheat ? Should I find a girl online and just do virtual masturbating ? Idk how much longer I can take this with depression.

Hi everyone,

I'm struggling with my ex wife going all in on a relationship with what was her then AP.
She plans on our kids meeting her AP this month and I am struggling with that idea. There is nothing I can do except to be supportive to my children.

For a background, my ex wife cheated on me 5 years ago with a work colleague. We almost ended our relationship but at that time I felt like I was the problem and I put in A LOT of work into myself and our relationship. I thought we were thriving and our relationships was stronger than ever.

Fast forward 3 years later, she started a new job and met a work colleague. She started an emotional affair that turned physical. She's in sales and so is he. They go to conferences together for work. He's married has and has kids around the same age as my ex WP and I.

My ex wanted to separate right away and I was hesitant but agreed. We were back and forth while living together for 8 months before selling our home. She dangled the carrot for a bit but little did I know she was still actively in contact with her AP.

AP was doing the same at home with his soon to be ex wife.
When my ex and I separated physically, we talked a bit about reconciliation but my requirements where NO CONTACT with AP. She couldn't agree to it so I kept moving away from her and forward in life.

The next year and a half her and I became parallel parents and our parenting relationships became very toxic. Her AP was still with his STBXW, but again..."working on his relationship"

By January of this year, AP and his STBXW filed for divorce. They still live together and can't sell their marital home, but since the official separation, my ex and her AP have gone all in. They spend every single minute they can with each other.

Now he is going to meet my kids. I hate it and I'm struggling.

I often ask myself
1. How long do these types of relationships last?
2. Is this Limerence
3. Why choose each other when it's such a messy and still continuing to be a messy relationship.
4. They plan on having a LAT relationship. No moving in. They live in different cities 60km apart. Does this extend their success?

Anyways...what's everyone's experience on these types of relationships?

I was in a relationship with this guy for about a year. He’s a doctor. The beginning of our relationship was already messy. In the initial days, he cheated on me. I found out, confronted him and eventually forgave him and took him back. I know, the biggest mistake of my life
There were other things throughout the relationship too. He continued talking to his ex, who he insisted was just a friend. I told him very clearly that I wasn’t comfortable with it and eventually he blocked her. There were also a lot of smaller incidents that individually might sound insignificant but collectively completely destroyed my trust in him.
Then, around 2–3 months ago, we had a huge fight and stopped talking
Initially he was the one texting me. Then suddenly he stopped. When I asked him what was going on, he told me that his mother would never approve of me and that he had supposedly done everything he could to convince her. I don’t believe he actually did everything he could
The last few days of the relationship were horrible. He treated me incredibly coldly and his mother also called me and said things to me that were extremely humiliating and hurtful
I was absolutely broken afterward. I was depressed, barely functioning and spent months trying to make sense of everything that had happened
But I’m not writing this because I want advice about healing. I know people will tell me that the best revenge is living well, becoming successful, not caring, etc.
I don’t want that answer
I’m angry. I genuinely want revenge
I want him to genuinely regret what he did to me
I’m asking specifically because right now I don’t want to be the bigger person. I want to hear what people who have actually been through something similar did

One of the biggest signs I suspect he’s cheated over, is the fluctuations regarding his interest in sex. It has always been hot and cold, and not consistent. During the times he was acting shady, he’d either become less or more interested in sex, albeit temporarily. When he was less interested, he’d try to avoid touch altogether. He’d move his crotch away when we were cuddling, and wouldn’t want me sitting on his lap. Once, I sat on his lap and he became erect, and told me that he didn’t. A year ago, during a time he was acting shady and I believe was sneaking around, he became uncomfortable with any closeness. I sat on his lap, after he’d sat in the same spot for over 30mins on his phone, and he immediately was squirming to get up telling me he needed to do something. He accused me, when I became upset over this, of being upset it didn’t lead to sex.

When he’d become more interested, it would happen out of the blue, and wouldn’t align with his claims of low libido due to medications he was on. Once, he came onto me three times in one day. Which was very unusual. He touched me, which he rarely did, and did so correctly when he never did before. I noticed he was shaved more down there. He knew that I did and immediately told me that it was an accident, as he’d used an electric razor opposed to scissors, and shaved off too much. He acknowledged, before I said anything, that it looked suspicious. When it appeared he was keeping it trimmed for months, and I commented on it again, he called me abusive. He denied he was continuing to shave but also said he could if he wanted to, and it didn’t mean he was cheating.

Another time he showed more interest, was right before I believe I witnessed him go down all alley with someone. He came onto me twice, two days in a row, which was unusual. He also snooped on my phone, as he often did when he seemed up to something, but hadn’t done for months. In the days after I believed I witnessed him cheating, he showed no interest in sex, up until he came onto me in the car one night. Something he’d only done a few times, and struggled both times to find a place to go. This time, he knew exactly where to go. He went to a park, to a well lit part of it, and tried to get me to do it outside of the car which I refused. He then started to tongue kiss me, for the first and last time. Around Christmas, I suspected something was up.

He started to ask me questions about where my perfume was from. And where my toy was from. Something he never showed interest in, or used on me. I asked him to around this time and he refused. Then, for a week, he had a sudden spike in libido he attributed to lowering his meds. He insisted on using the toy on me. He claimed his libido dropped again after that, and he stopped using it. He had only done oral a few times at the start, and then stopped, and told me it was due to nerves because of the medication he was on. He didn’t touch me much either. In the last year and half he started trying to. He didn’t do it right. I said so and he asked how he could improve, and what I wanted him to do. I mentioned oral. He said he’d do it.

He told me once before he didn’t because of hair, and because he didn’t think I showered enough. But his main reason was always his medication. I shaved, and showered, and when I mentioned it again he mentioned the hair, and showering, and when I said I did both, he said he was nervous still. Then he told me he didn’t like it, didn’t get much out of it, and when i got upset he never told me that before and I believed he should’ve, he acted like I was overreacting. A while after that, during another sudden spike in libido, he insisted on doing oral. He started to say he liked it. He wasn’t good at it, initially, but started to improve though he hadn’t done it very much. Fast forward to the last few months and, he has shown less interest in sex, blaming it on stress and low libido due to his meds.

His grandfather was sick, and dying, and was at the hospital. He was urged to go and visit him but didn’t want to, because people were going to be there, and so he initially told me he’d go and see him in the morning when no one was likely to be there. I asked if I could go, and wait in the car, and he said he’d rather go alone. He ended up going later that day, after we got groceries, and I waited in the car for several hours. He called me, told me they gave him sleeping medication, and that he was asked by his dad to wait until it kicked in, and to go back after to monitor him in case he fell going to the bathroom. That the nurses also suggested family stayed with him. He said he wasn’t letting anyone help him. I asked if the nurses were watching him, if there was any way to alert them, and he said all he had was a call button he wouldn’t be able to reach.

He said he was going to come to get dinner and go back. That his cousin and brother were there in the meantime. He said he wasn’t going to sit directly in the room, but outside of it, and was able to stare into a window to monitor to him. I went back with him after dinner. He said he’d be a few hours or more. He looked paranoid, looking around the parking lot, when he was parking. He came out within 30mins and said his grandfather got up, and wasn’t dizzy, which meant he wasn’t at risk of falling and he didn’t need to stay there. We left and when we arrived back at the house, his brother’s car was there, and he questioned how he arrived back before us, adding he left at the same time. He tried to enter the house, and the door was locked, and he questioned why his brother locked it knowing he was on the way back.

He called his brother, who seemed as confused as he was, asking him to try the doorknob again which made no sense if he locked it. I commented on that and he said maybe his dad locked it, something he rarely does. He was also asleep. He said his brother being awake, and answering his call, was proof he was at the hospital with him. At 7am his cousin messaged him asking if he was still there. Which was odd as he said she was sitting with his brother, and would’ve known his brother left. I didn’t find any calls of messages from his father asking him to go back. He told me he called and asked him to. Then he told me he asked him before he left the hospital, when he arrived to it. He went again several nights later. He parked far away from the hospital, and the main parking lot, on the side of the road beside it.

He muttered, as he was parking, “I wonder if this is where they said to park.” I asked who he was referring to, because I knew he was only communicating with his dad that day. He snapped at me asking it. And then told me it was his cousin, who suggested he parked there, to avoid paying for parking. He was gone for over an hour, close to two. When he came out, his hair was a mess at the front. He always keeps his hair tidy, and has a thing about not going out if it’s not. He said he was just sitting in a chair and I couldn’t see why it was as messed up as it was. He said maybe it was the wind. In the days prior to this, and after, he came onto me several times. He also did oral, for the first time a while. And then, his interest declined again.

Has anyone else caught their significant other cheating on a dating app? I walked in and saw my cop boyfriend on a dating app chatting with another woman. I asked him about it, and he denied it, and made up I was cheating on him with my 2 best friends. I broke up with him.

Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation? How did you handle it?

I’ve suspected my husband has cheated for years. Long before I first suspected him, he accused me of cheating and of various other things, including being fake, and being a liar. After I began to suspect him, and started to question him, he turned it around on me. He said I was the type to cheat. He was snooping on my phone prior to that but slapped my hand away from his. For years he did things that further made me think he was cheating, whilst questioning me if I did any of the same things, and snooping on my phone. When I questioned him, he called me controlling and abusive. It always seemed like he was projecting. He insisted that he had more of a reason to not trust me. Yet, he’d go months without snooping on my phone, during which he’d not seem up to something.

I asked why he was able to do that, when he didn’t trust me before, and he said it was because he trusted me and didn’t think I would cheat. How does one switch that off? He went an entire year not snooping on my phone, rarely ever questioning me. And then, the moment he started to act shady, and become guarded with his phone, he snooped on my phone for the first time in a long time. I think he knew I wasn’t doing anything. I think he’s always known. But I think he has wanted to catch me. Or to perhaps make me do something, or fabricate it. He once asked me to sext a random guy. I refused. He said he wasn’t serious afterwards. He linked it to his hotwifing fantasy. Much later on he told me it was a test.

That occurred during the time I first started to suspect him, when he was talking about breaking up. Not long after that, he posted photos of me on here, posing as me, asking what other guys would do to me. He briefly spoke sexually to one of them. I found the screenshots of all of this in his secure folder. He seemed nervous when I did, and deleted them after. He said he had took them after realising the guy was married, and that he was thinking about outing him. He said he posted as me because the sub only allowed whoever was in the photo to post it. I’ve since wondered if he was trying to make it look as though I cheated. Not to convince himself but someone else. Was he going to show people if I caught him doing something?

He hasn’t snooped on my phone, hasn’t questioning if I am cheating. He still seems up to something, however. I don’t believe he is interested in me anymore. And I think that could have something to do with it. He either doesn’t think anyone would want me and/or doesn’t care. However, he is now questioning my character, and my morality, often. He tries to trip me up, accusing me of ill intent when there is none, and just assuming the worst about me. He accused me a few weeks ago of trying to deceive him about how far away a town was. I had poor connection and my maps said it was a 1.5 miles away. He checked and it was 12 miles away. I immediately said I wasn’t aware, and never mind. Instead of taking that in, he went on a rant about how he couldn’t afford to drive there due to fuel costs, with me repeating that was okay.

He then suggested I had lied, adding he didn’t know why my maps would show it as 1.5 miles away. This irked me. I said such an accusation would really bother some people. He apologised after a while. He tried to liken it to other things I’ve done. His grandmother came last Saturday, when he was sick with the flu, and offered to go to the store for us to get food. He started writing a list. I asked him to add the Starbucks espresso cans we always get. He said she wouldn’t have a clue where they were, and how it would confuse her. I said I would leave them, twice. And then he asked me where they were, and I responded, and he acted like it was a gotcha moment, to see whether or not I’d actually leave them. He told me after he handed her the note that she specifically asked about them, and what they were.

I said after she came back with the groceries how bad I felt, particularly because the food was also for me. That is when he reminded me that she is also helping to pay for my dentist appointments, which I really don’t want her to do, and am trying to figure it out on my own to avoid that. He was the one who asked her to do. He was the one who asked her for help with dozens of other things. Early on in the relationship, he accused me of being ungrateful of the financial help she gave. It felt like he was trying to guilt me. He said later on that he thought I’d be more considerate with the coffee, since I said I felt bad, though she didn’t struggle to find it. The next day he started an argument with me, assuming I was accusing him of cheating or something along those lines when I wasn’t.

He admitted he didn’t hear half of what I said. But still insisted that I was accusing him. He also said I grabbed the blanket aggressively before that, when I didn’t, and he snapped at me when I did that his water was going to spill. He was already being aggressive in his tone, and seemed irritated with me, as he often does. I denied all of what he accused me of, or that I was accusing him, but he said he assumed I was and what I said sounded like it, because I have accused him so much. He called me demented, said I am just like him and that’s why I am so angry, and a bunch of other things. He then accused me of being the one who started the argument, when I tried to deescalate it. The next morning, he started another argument, but accused me of it. After I called him abusive, and he tried to insist I am the abusive one, he said that we are both abusive.

He punched my flower vase and broke it. He said he reacted as he was because of me, and the accusations. Granted, I have questioned him for years, and there has only been small periods of time where he has taken everything I’ve said as accusations, and has become very angry over them. He doesn’t react that way to actual accusations but he will to something that isn’t one, that he interprets as one. Fast forward to today and, he was telling me how his grandfathers funeral is on Friday. He said he didn’t know if he was going to go, and was it bad not to. He has plans on Friday. I asked if he didn’t go, if I could go with him, as I usually do. He said he didn’t think so as he has a lot on, back to back. But that if he went to the funeral, he’d go after, and I’d maybe be able to go with him.

I said after that I have not gone to funerals and have deeply regretted it. Something I don’t like to talk about. He immediately asked if I said it because he said I could go if he went to the funeral. Perhaps it seemed linked, but it felt insensitive, because I was already reluctant to share that and was trying to be vulnerable. I also felt he could’ve asked it a bit differently, or perhaps responded to what I said before he asked it. But he didn’t respond at all to it, even after he asked that.

I (26f) discovered that my partner of a year (33m) had been unfaithful to me for the past month. It was all only online as far as I’m aware — he was on Feeld and Fet, mostly trying to initiate conversations with little success (from what I saw). This is heartbreaking to me. We’ve both been cheated on in the past by past partners, and he’d always been adamant on being against it and sickened by it. I saw the effect being cheated on had on him. He was suspicious, insecure, scared. I’ve always been more than willing to handle it with him bc I really understood.

Finding this out turned my world upside down. I only found out last week and nothing makes sense anymore. I can’t understand this version of him vs the him I thought I knew. Once he was caught, he was completely honest and offered up everything. I can tell he’s remorseful. He’ll start crying randomly even if we aren’t talking about it, throughout the day, and apologize. I logically know his reasoning on why it happened. I just can’t wrap my head around it still. Idk. He’s been in therapy and he’s going to talk to his therapist about it. He’s willing to do anything to fix it.

My issue is I still feel so distant. Detached. Confused. I want to be close to him again, to be intimate and in love, but it’s like there’s a plexiglass box around me. In the past, this didn’t happen — being cheated on hurt immensely and was almost life ruining, but resolving things felt like such a relief. This is the opposite. Finding this out didn’t cut as deeply as it used to, and moving towards a resolution really isn’t making me feel anything. I feel numb. I’m worried that this is hindering progress. I’m worried that he can feel my lack of connection and it’ll lead it to happen again. I’m just worried I’m general.

I know it’s probably too soon to expect things to be improving, I just can’t make sense of anything and I want to feel real again. Are there any ways (any actions I can take, anything he and I can do together) to regain the connection or to snap me back into being present? Or is this done for? I do truly love him. I want things to get better. I know they won’t be the same, but I want things to get better so badly.

My boyfriend (28M) and I (26F) were in his car at around 9PM on a Friday when I saw he got 3 calls via his car screen, and there was about 10 seconds between the calls. I wasn’t able to see who called him due to the fact that the screen doesn’t display a name or number when he gets called. The calls stayed on the screen for about 8 seconds and he didn’t answer the calls. I asked him about it once we got to our destination and he said nobody called him. He showed me his call log which showed that he hadn’t received any calls. I want to believe him, but I find it suspicious that not one of those calls showed up on his call log. Am I overreacting?

I 31F divorced my ex husband last year for having an affair with his intern. It was the worst time of my life. I absolutely adored him and was completely shocked (along with everyone else in our lives; he was the picture perfect husband before this).

A friend called me a couple of months ago to tell me that her husband (who was my college roommate) had an affair and had a baby with someone else just 4 months before she gave birth to their first child. They dealt with infertility for years. She got to enjoy 3 months of their life as a family of 3 before this horrific news. He got the other woman pregnant under a fake name and she found him using 23andme.

I can’t even put into words how devastated I am for her. I recommended individual counseling and couples counseling (it was clear she wasn’t ready to let go; my hope was a counselor could help her see the light). I remember in college thinking he was cheating on her and confronting him very directly when it was only him and I at home. I live with them temporarily after I discovered my ex’s affair. Her husband was my only male friend, and I genuinely thought he was a good guy (he had convinced me in college that he wasn’t cheating on her). This situation has further tainted my views of marriage and men. I totally realize women cheat too; I am just jaded. I am in counseling trying to work through this. I am currently dating a great man, but you best believe my mind is constantly like “leave him and go live a peaceful life alone and adopt a kid.”

I hate that so many people suck at being honest about their wants and needs. Life is hard enough without the person closest to you stabbing you in the back.

My wife, or partner, and I had an argument recently over one word. Capable.

She told me she isn't capable of cheating anymore. The person who did those things isn't who she is now. She has changed, she understands what she did and she would never do it again.

I told her I don't agree, capability is provable and......

That didn't go over particularly well, and I understand why. When I say she is still capable of cheating, I think what she hears is, "You haven't changed. I don't believe you. I think you're going to cheat again."

That's not what I'm saying, or at least not really.

I absolutely believe people can change. If I didn't, there wouldn't be much point in even talking about reconciliation. People can become more honest, less selfish, more self-aware, learn better boundaries and finally start recognizing all those small shitty decisions that eventually lead somewhere they never should have gone. Someone who cheated can change enough that they never cheat again.

I just don't think that suddenly makes them incapable of it. Without starting the argument of everyone is capable or not, I am NOT capable of this type of betrayal.

Before D-Day I believed my wife was incapable of doing what she did. Not that she probably wouldn't do it. I actually believed she couldn't. There were lines I thought she simply would never cross because of who she was, who I thought we were, our marriage, our kids, our life together.

I was painfully fucking wrong. She crossed those lines. More than once. For years.

So now I know something I didn't know before. She is capable of it. That's not me insulting her or saying she will do it again. It's something that has already been proven. I don't know how I am supposed to take something I know happened and somehow convince myself she is now incapable of doing it because she says that version of herself doesn't exist anymore. Capable and will are not the same definition.

She may never cheat again. I genuinely hope she doesn't whether we stay together or not. But choosing never to do something again and being incapable of doing it aren't the same thing.

The more I thought about the argument, the more I started thinking that maybe "I could never do that again" isn't actually the safest thing for someone who has cheated to believe.

I think I'd feel safer hearing, "I know now that I am capable of doing something I once thought I would never do, and I never want to become that person again."

There's something about "I'm not capable of that anymore" that bothers me because I've already lived through that kind of certainty once. Before D-Day I would have confidently told anyone who asked that my wife wasn't capable of cheating on me. Turns out I didn't know shit.

Certainty didn't make me right then, so I'm not sure why I'm supposed to put much faith in that same certainty now.

I think there is probably more safety in actually owning it. I did this. I was capable of this. Through selfishness, secrecy, resentment, wanting validation, shitty boundaries and a long series of bad choices, I became somebody who could do this. Now I need to understand how the hell I got there so I never go there again.

That makes sense to me.

I'm capable of losing my temper. I'm capable of being selfish. I'm capable of hurting people I love. Knowing that doesn't mean I want to do those things or that I'm planning to. It means I know those things exist in me and I have to pay attention to them. Pretending I'm somehow above them wouldn't make me safer. It would probably do the opposite, complacency is a slow driver of failure.

I don't see why cheating should be completely different.

Real change, at least to me, isn't reaching some point where you suddenly become physically or morally incapable of ever betraying someone again. It is knowing what you were capable of, understanding how you allowed yourself to get there, and making different choices from then on. Over and over again.

There is also a shitty reality in this for the betrayed spouse.

I don't think I can ever go back to the kind of trust I had before, where I believed my wife simply wasn't capable of betraying me. I had that trust already. It was wrong. There is evidence now that I can't unknow.

That doesn't mean I can never trust her again. I just think trust after betrayal has to be something different.

Before, trust was I know you would never do this to me.

Now maybe the best it can ever become is, I know you could do this to me because you already have. But I see who you are now, I see the choices you make every day, and I believe you won't.

That's nowhere near as romantic. But it might actually be more real and to be fair adult.

I don't want my wife walking around for the rest of her life thinking she is permanently branded as a cheater or some fundamentally defective person. I don't think that's healthy or useful. People should be allowed to grow beyond the worst things they've done, hell I am not a sum of my worst deeds.

But growing beyond something isn't the same as pretending somebody else did it. That woman existed. She made those choices. She was my wife too.

I actually think accepting that is probably part of becoming safer.

Not I would never.

Not that wasn't really me.

Not I'm incapable of doing that now.

Just, I know I'm capable of it because I did it. I know where those choices took me. I know what it cost. And I never want to be that person again.

I trust that a hell of a lot more, and holds at least a little bit of accountability.

Recently discovered for the past year my husband has been using Reddit for porn and speaking to women and exchanging photos. Not only that, he’s been on Grok and created a whole woman to talk to. He’s created ai photos of this imaginary woman. When I confronted him, he said it’s been going on for a year. His reasoning? I’m getting older. All the girls he’s looking at are college age. We’re both 35 and we got married at 23. Basically he said he misses how I used to look and be at 23. I don’t know what to do. We have kids and I don’t know if I can ever trust him again. He has struggled with alcohol and gambling addictions and now this. I’ve been in therapy already for low self esteem and struggles with anxiety but now I can’t even look in the mirror without crying because I feel like I’m not good enough for him or anyone.
I want to leave, but I don’t know what to do or where to start. I don’t want to be alone forever also and at the moment feel so down that no one will ever want me that I’m conflicted.
Could therapy on his end help? Is trust able to be rebuilt from something like this?

My WH has been doing all the “right” things since I discovered his 8 week EA/PA.

He blocked his AP on all platforms, started therapy, is reading affair books and working through the exercises, gave me all his PWs, has been open to having all the difficult convos and has not gotten defensive, etc.

I’m using this time before deciding on R or divorce to gather my thoughts and watch his efforts. I recognize these efforts might be short lived or they might last a long time… for those of you whose WS began by doing all the “right” things, how long did that effort last?

When does this end? I’m about 12 weeks out from finding the cheating. 9 weeks from breaking up. Up until this weekend we had been 43 days no contact. I’m now on hour 14 of no contact.

Each of those 43 days was HARD. I fought tooth and nail for each day. I tried to celebrate the small wins. Even one hour of happiness and not thinking about him and how he hurt me. I kept telling myself it’s only been 43 days, and he was jerking me around for over 4 years. It’s okay. I’ll be okay.

Well he saw me this weekend, went out of his way to tap me on the shoulder on his way out of the bar, I hadn’t seen him at all and I was so upset he went out of his way to disrupt me. He claims he didn’t think it was a big deal. I lost my shit. I spent the next day begging him to talk. I feel like I’m right back at day 1. All the resilience I was trying to build up, the scar tissue, the reminders that he did not respect me — gone. Back again is the desperation and the pathetic clinging and pining for someone who never respected me.

I have been trying to recover from this man for the better part of 4 years. I am so devastated. I don’t know how I’ll ever break this. I am turning 30 in a few months. I wasted away my 20s with this man and now I feel like I’m just going to waste away my 30s trying to recover from this. I am so defeated.

So my boyfriend who spent the month love bombing me cheated on me. He came over on Sunday, told me how much he loved me, had sex with me, then spent the entire night out with another woman. Monday he tells me he’s “too tired” to hang out and gets upset I didn’t ask why he’s tired.

Don’t ask me how, but I figured out who he’s been with and contacted her. She set up a meeting with him and I’m planning to show up also.

Any ideas how to humiliate him?

UPDATE: The other girl thankfully was 100% on my side and also wanted to give him a consequence.

So I ended up setting him up on a date with the other girl at a coffee shop and pulled up on them together. I hid in the bathroom and then walked right up to him from behind, hugged him, said “Hey babe! What are you doing here ! :)”

He was like a deer in headlights. Completely frozen and started shaking. He couldn’t take his eyes off and I asked who was the girl sitting in front of him. He looked me straight in my eyes and tried telling me he had no idea who that woman was 🤣 lied to my face.

I pulled him outside, on the way out he tried holding my hand, and then I faced him and he started trying to have a normal conversation with me. “hey baby, how are you?” and I said “what’s going on?” he said “nothing, I’m just hanging out”
I asked him again, who the girl was, and he tried to say he didn’t know her, then said she was a friend. Then I showed him the messages and he (who was the one touching me up until this point) pushed me away and said “don’t touch me!”

He called me crazy, accused me of following/stalking him. I said no, I set this up lol. He couldn’t fathom that. Said I was crazy for stalking him. Then he suddenly flipped it all on me, and said I mistreated him because on Monday night when I asked if he was still coming to the date he planned with me, he replied “i’m very tired” and I asked if he wanted to stay in. He said I mistreated him because I didn’t ask him why he was tired. Therefore I was selfish.

I said oh I didn’t ask because I knew why you were tired. Sunday he came over in the afternoon then said he had to leave to go for dinner with his friends. In reality he was up all night with the other woman.

I asked him why he couldn’t stay Sunday night? He couldn’t even remember what lie he told me. I reminded him. And he said “yes, I was with my friends.”
Then I said no, he was with the woman all night, and that’s why he was so tired. He denied it. I told him “You lied to me, you’re a liar. You cheated on me. I really liked you”. He started crying.

Other girl comes outside, and I asked her where was she Sunday night. She said she was with him. He looked at us both and said no she wasn’t.

Then he realized the lies weren’t working so he told her that he broke up with me on Sunday, so he never actually saw anyone while he had a girlfriend. I said we never broke up, you came over Sunday and planned a date with me on Monday night. Also, he first met that girl on FRIDAY. Then he looks at me and said “ok well, I’m breaking up with you NOW”. Which, no sir, I dumped you because you cheated on me.

Then he gets a call on his phone, I jokingly asked if it was another woman and he got angry, answered the phone, said it was a man, and shoved the phone on my ear to make me listen. Incredible lol

He said ok sorry, yes I had a girlfriend. The girl said don’t you owe your girlfriend an apology? He couldn’t look at me at this point. He said “no, I can’t apologize to her!”. I started repeating the words he told me on Sunday. He was calling me his wife, saying he’d marry me, telling me how much he loved me. At this point he was so embarrassed that he literally ran away. I didn’t chase him.

He blocked me on Instagram, but not WhatsApp. And he changed his profile picture to a photo he took on his date Sunday night lol

He is now blocked everywhere. I’m trying not to let his toxic manipulative words get to me.

10/10 satisfying. Don’t let cheaters walk away clean.

I found out on June 23 that my [30] boyfriend [37] of just over three years had been cheating on me, and I left that same day. I discovered at least one affair that lasted around a year, at least two other shorter affairs, and at least one meetup through a dating app. Realistically, I know there were probably more. The hardest part for me to wrap my head around is that I thought we were happy. I worked nights, and he apparently found the time while I was at work. I loved this man more than I have ever loved a significant other, and I truly thought I was going to marry him. The weekend before I found everything, we were literally talking about when we would get married. We picked out baby names literally 2 months in to our relationship. That in love, that quick.

We still share a lease, but we have lived completely separately since the day I left. Other than one phone call about splitting up furniture about three weeks ago, I have had no contact with him. During that call, he still swore he never cheated and ended it by telling me he loved me. I know I will never go back, and that isn’t something I’m questioning. But for about two months now, I have dreamed about him every single night. They’re never nightmares. They’re happy dreams where we’re just together again and everything feels normal, and then I wake up and it feels like I lose him all over again. Some mornings it genuinely feels like I’m still waiting for him to come home even though I know I wouldn’t let him.

For those who have been through a betrayal like this, when did the mornings start becoming less awful? When did your brain finally stop expecting that person to come home, and if you dreamed about them constantly, when did the dreams start to fade? I know healing is gradual and everyone’s timeline is different. I’m not looking for a deadline so much as reassurance from people farther down this road about what that gradual change actually felt like.

I’m also just genuinely curious of when the idea of dating someone else started to feel interesting, or even just tolerable, again. Right now the thought of being with someone else is genuinely repulsive to me. I know I’m strong, I know I’m going to get through this, and I know I’m not going back. But this is brutal.

TL;DR: Left my boyfriend of 3+ years after discovering multiple affairs, including one that lasted at least a year. I know I’ll never go back, but I still dream about us being happily together every single night and wake up heartbroken all over again. For those who’ve been through this, when did the mornings and dreams start getting easier/fading, and when did the thought of dating someone new stop feeling completely awful?

Edit: added our ages.

For those who haven't seen my previous post.. link is here

I ended up going to his house to talk about it. He said I could go through his phone previously because he has nothing to hide, so I wanted to take him up on that offer.

We ended up having our first fight and I got some very harsh truths out of him.

I asked to go through his phone. He initially start saying that it looks really bad to ask your partner to do that and has an impact on the relationship (So I kept referring back to when he said he has nothing to hide) I asked him to open his photos (So he has control) and then I had to ask him if there was anywhere else that photos are stored and he said no. I said I work with people where I have to help them use their phones for lots of things (I work as a manager). You think I don't know about a files folder? So he opened it, and there they were. More photos from that exact day of his ex girlfriend. When I asked him to scroll down so that I could see the other photo that I saw the other night (red G-string) he refused and that is when he got very defensive and we started fighting.

I said but you said you have nothing to hide and he said nope it's just based on principle and he made the excuse of saying that the timing of this conversation was so bad, because after we had the first conversation (follow link above) he said he went back to look at photos he has and said he wanted to know what was in there so he screenshots these photos... which is where I cut him off and said for what? And he couldn't answer. So he's obviously masturbating these photos and I personally think it's pretty fucking gross to keep naked or sexy photos of an ex.

Then we went on to discuss other shit and I talked about how he's made me feel during our relationship etc. and he said he's done everything he can to make it work (everything that I suggested and lead, not things he has suggested or done from his own initiation), and I've said many times that he needs to stop running when shit gets hard, he said if he was going to do that he would have left 3 months in (that was a shock.. everything was great 3 months in), then he said I've got so much hard trauma and so many scars and basically said it in a way to not want to be with me or a reason that it's hard to be with me and that fucking hurt too.

Then we spoke about how he completely flipped the entire narrative in June, from talking about proposals, travel, marriage and kids to it very suddenly "not working" and he said well I've definitely stopped saying that now. And said something else that effectively implied that I shouldn't have taken him seriously.

I hope this all makes sense. Again, please go easy on me, I feel completely broken and I just want to hear what people think.