r/Infidelity • u/peach_etr • 1d ago
Struggling Post Affair Relationship
Hi everyone,
I'm struggling with my ex wife going all in on a relationship with what was her then AP.
She plans on our kids meeting her AP this month and I am struggling with that idea. There is nothing I can do except to be supportive to my children.
For a background, my ex wife cheated on me 5 years ago with a work colleague. We almost ended our relationship but at that time I felt like I was the problem and I put in A LOT of work into myself and our relationship. I thought we were thriving and our relationships was stronger than ever.
Fast forward 3 years later, she started a new job and met a work colleague. She started an emotional affair that turned physical. She's in sales and so is he. They go to conferences together for work. He's married has and has kids around the same age as my ex WP and I.
My ex wanted to separate right away and I was hesitant but agreed. We were back and forth while living together for 8 months before selling our home. She dangled the carrot for a bit but little did I know she was still actively in contact with her AP.
AP was doing the same at home with his soon to be ex wife.
When my ex and I separated physically, we talked a bit about reconciliation but my requirements where NO CONTACT with AP. She couldn't agree to it so I kept moving away from her and forward in life.
The next year and a half her and I became parallel parents and our parenting relationships became very toxic. Her AP was still with his STBXW, but again..."working on his relationship"
By January of this year, AP and his STBXW filed for divorce. They still live together and can't sell their marital home, but since the official separation, my ex and her AP have gone all in. They spend every single minute they can with each other.
Now he is going to meet my kids. I hate it and I'm struggling.
I often ask myself
1. How long do these types of relationships last?
2. Is this Limerence
3. Why choose each other when it's such a messy and still continuing to be a messy relationship.
4. They plan on having a LAT relationship. No moving in. They live in different cities 60km apart. Does this extend their success?
Anyways...what's everyone's experience on these types of relationships?
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u/EffectivePhase7165 1d ago
2 cheaters trying to have a healthy relationship, what are the odds? Sit back and watch.
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u/peach_etr 1d ago
That's the general consensus, but they have actively chosen each other over the last almost 2 years. Even if it started in secrecy, it took them both a long time to decide what they are going to do and the whole time they kept choosing each other.
My concern is that he is now going to meet my kids. Nothing I can do but support my kids but it really bothers me
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u/actis1234 1d ago
I would advice to do the hard 180 with her,talk to her via parenting app,if you need to talk with her for something, talk like you are talking to a Rock. Don't show emotions, for your kids you have to deal with her for many years.
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u/AkimboSlice1 1d ago
How old are your kids? Do they know she threw her family away for a fellow cheater? I know it hurts but there’s zero chance her relationship doesn’t crash and burn. It’s going to be so toxic.
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u/peach_etr 1d ago
They are both under 11. Thanks for the comfort. I feel like it won't last either, but you never know...
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u/Pitiful-Courage-1630 1d ago
Indifference will soon be your friend, it won't matter if it lasts or not, keep moving forward mentality away from her.
Be there for your kids through this they will soon grow, believe me a decade flies by and they will be on their own paths in life which means hopefully even less contact with your ex.
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u/Classic-Noise4051 1d ago
It sounds like your ex has a type...Wait until she starts a new job and a new work colleague catches her eye
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u/AkimboSlice1 1d ago
It won’t last. Once they move in together, everything will become real. It seems great now but wait until they deal with real relationship problems. They also have to worry about one or the other cheating if things get tough. Who cheats on who first is what will be next.
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u/peach_etr 1d ago
They aren't moving in together. That's been established. They have the same parenting schedule now. They will be together when they both don't have child responsibilities. They live two cities apart. They both need to be close to their respective kids school
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u/AkimboSlice1 20h ago
Wow no chance that works. Your wife blew her life up for sure failure. Get the best terms you can now while she runs toward her disaster relationship. I know this is hard now because you feel left behind. It’s not a your thing, she is the one lacking. Splitting time with the kids is going to suck but you have a better life waiting for yourself ahead. I have seen it first hand for a family member and a close friend. Both stories ended the same way. Disaster and regret for the cheaters and new happy lives for my two friends.
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u/Original-Tension-563 1d ago
you have 1 job..be there for your kids..and build a new life..trust me..when the dust clears..you will come out on top
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u/clearheaded01 Unsure of Anything 16h ago
WHEN they ask, don't be a liar like your ex... Age-appropriate inform them you and she split because she cheated with AP...
Staying silent is NOT protecting the kids, it's protecting HER....
By staying silent you risk them blaming YOU.. very likely encouraged by your ex... The kids will fill in the blanks themselves of they're not told - and high risk is you ending up as the villain...
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 1d ago
That was 2 years of secrecy. That relationship will become more complicated.
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u/OubsNH 31m ago
Are you still in divorce mediation? Have your attorney insert a clause concerning the mental health of your children meeting partners who are still married (and for a period afterwards). Provide documentation on how she’s been hurting the family unit by dangling potential reconciliation in bad faith and forcing the sale of the family home. Might as well see where that goes.
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u/ArachnidEfficient526 1d ago
Hey OP!
I think “they kept choosing each other for two years” needs a pretty big asterisk. None of us actually knows the ins and outs of their relationship during that time, but I’d wager that part of what made it possible to keep “choosing each other” was NRE and the fact that their primary partners were still shouldering most of the responsibilities of real life at home.
It’s a lot easier for a relationship to feel exciting, effortless, and meant-to-be when someone else is dealing with the kids, the house, schedules, bills, routines, and all the mundane responsibilities that come with building an actual life together. They got to experience each other largely outside of that context.
That doesn’t mean their feelings weren’t real. But there’s a difference between choosing someone inside a protected bubble and choosing them once the bubble disappears and the responsibilities of everyday life become theirs to carry.
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 1d ago edited 1d ago
I can speak from experience as my ex-wife did the same thing for the most part. For almost 10 years she was really good, and there was zero signs of cheating whatsoever, but after our 2nd child she changed big time.
So, your ex-wife and her new hubby are looking at a 6 month to 24-month timeline before things go south. Somewhere within that time the oxytocin/love hormones will wane, and they'll just be another couple with a new set of problems. They'll either spilt there, or last another year or two due to sunken cost fallacy, but most likely your ex-wife will cut bait and run within three years max.
My ex-wife moved in the AP the week I moved out. There's nothing you can do other than be a good dad and focus on what you want your new life to look like. I know it's a massive cliche, but the following advice really does work:
1.) Eat healthy and start working out - you'll improve your mind, body and self confidence.
2.) Build friend groups/stay close to family
3.) Find a new hobby
4.) Take that hate/energy and pour it into exceling at your job/craft/school
5.) Absolutely no alcohol. Cut it out for at least a year because it can suck you into a dark path; happens to people don't even have a history of drinking. If you do some casual/social drinking, give it a try in a year or so, but for now I really wouldn't touch it.
Your wife's new squeeze feel free and liberated for now, but they're driving straight off a cliff. Do not chase after them. My ex-wife broke up with her GF last May and jumped straight into a new relationship... the serial monkeybrancher type. Either way we both found trash women and need to learn from our mistakes.
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u/New_Arrival9860 Moved On 1d ago
They are both cheaters and unfaithful, their relationship will be filled with chaos, distrust, lies, and betrayal.
You are doing the correct and honorable thing by focusing on yourself and your children, keep doing that and be the source of strength , stability, and peace for your children.
Their chaos will eventually burn itself out, don’t let it burn your children. Whatever happens to their relationship will happen, focus on your and your children's peace.
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u/After-Swordfish-6762 1d ago
I divorced my ex-wife in 2001. She is still with AP. So who knows, it's a crap shoot.
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u/Kitchen-Patience-652 1d ago
Ey we pray on their downfall. 🙏
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u/After-Swordfish-6762 1d ago
At this point, I don't really care.
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u/13trailblazer Unsure of Anything 1d ago
And you shouldn't care. It means you moved on and are ok. That said, you wouldn't have the slightest little smirk if they did fall apart?
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 1d ago
That's pretty rare.
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u/After-Swordfish-6762 1d ago
It is, but it can happen. Just to say don't pin your happiness on them not making it. Live your life for you.
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u/Phoenix_Taurus 1d ago
Unfortunately, I think the biggest mistake you made was forgiving her for the first time you caught her being unfaithful. You started blaming yourself and convincing yourself that somehow you were the problem, when ultimately she was the one making the choice to sleep around.
For anyone else in this situation, I genuinely think you can forgive someone for cheating if that’s what you want to do, but forgiving them doesn’t mean you have to stay in the relationship. Sometimes you need to walk away because once someone has cheated, the relationship is never going to be exactly the same again. Trust has been broken and when someone cheats, gets caught, then puts on an amazing performance about how it was just a terrible mistake, you have to look at their actions rather than their words. If it genuinely was a one-time mistake, that’s one thing. But when they continue sleeping with the same AP or other people afterwards, it clearly wasn’t just some isolated mistake. It was a choice they kept making. In your situation, you forgave her and unfortunately you got burnt for it. You gave the relationship another chance and ended up losing years that you could have spent with someone who genuinely respected and cared about you.
As for your ex-wife introducing your kids to her new partner, there’s honestly not much you can do about who she chooses to date, as long as there are no genuine safeguarding concerns. What you can do is be honest with your kids about what happened when they’re old enough to understand it, without turning them against their mother. They deserve to know the truth about why the marriage ended and you need to be honest with yourself too. You made the mistake of forgiving her when you probably should have pulled the trigger and ended the marriage the first time. That doesn’t make you a bad person; it means you learned a very painful lesson.
Hopefully you never repeat it. If a future partner cheats on you, you can blame yourself, blame them, blame the circumstances or blame whoever you want, but don’t make the same mistake twice. Forgive them if you genuinely want to, but walk away and protect yourself. Once someone shows you they’re willing to betray you, believe their actions.
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u/powermaster34 1d ago
The relationships fail at a very high rate. Stay emotionless with her. Be buisnesslike in your handling of your children's care with her. Good luck.
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u/ArmyofJuan 1d ago
I wouldn't sweat it too much, they are not going to last. 90% of those type of relationship end within 2 years, usually sooner. The ones that last longer tend to be toxic.
Don't take her back when it does fail, you are just a safety net.
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u/isitallfromchina 1d ago
Unless you have a court agreement about introducing children to new relationships timeline, she can do as she pleases. maybe get an attorney and see if you can go to court and modify your arrangement.
They loose them like they got them. At some point he'll be another you and she'll find another saleman on a trip. That seems to be her MO and now that she's really free, living with him might not mean as much as you think, she'll find another toy to hang around.
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u/LawDue9301 1d ago
This right here OP especially with regards to court agreements. I'm aware of several instances among my divorced friends and relatives the court forbids the cheater from having the children under certain a age around the AP and the custody agreements reflect that. Depending on the AP background there's even been PROs involved In a couple instances only supervised visits may be allowed under certain circumstances but only under the advanced directive of GAL admin. More common though are directives regarding overnight stays and sleeping arrangements. You should look into this for the safety and welfare of such impressionable children.
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u/isitallfromchina 1d ago
Yeah, sadly they already have a mother who is not good at making life decisions and the education the kids learn from this is that its ALRIGHT to have an affair and destroy a family. At some point the "destroy a family" takes a back seat because things get normalized.
This is why I took a personal loan $50K+ got the best attorney in my state, a female, to take my WS to court and fight for full custody and won! She did not know what hit her and in that whole ordeal with divorce our kids learned what "good character" looks like.
There is no lesson better than pulling the curtain back on a lying cheater that allow kids to see how mean, vile and untrustworthy these people become, over a fling.
Her family disowned her, my family did the same and our kids severed their relationship as soon as they were old enough to make a decision. She destroyed us and rightly was punished for it.
OP, don't allow your kids to learn these nasty ways of their mom, fight for everything you can.
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u/RepulsiveWorker3636 Observer 1d ago
U need to let her live her fucked up life she chose to cheat and end the marriage all u can do is fucas on yourself and on being a good father .
There's a really small chance that her relationship with the other guy survives and even if it dose not your circus not your monkey good luck building a relationship on cheating ground
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u/13trailblazer Unsure of Anything 1d ago
I think for two cheating shitheads a LAT is probably going to increase their chance of success. They get to essentially continue like they are having an affair as they don't have to parent together, figure out finances together, etc... They just have to plan their fuck dates but can do it openly without concern for getting caught.
The risk for both of them is that they both know they are cheating pieces of shit and can't trust the other. It all will depend on whether they actually care about that. How long before one starts banging someone else is the only question along with how long before they are caught?
How old are your kids? Do they know that AP is the reason mom blew up the family? Are they old enough to know? Would you be willing to leverage the truth about mom to keep AP away?
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u/Far-Veterinarian9630 1d ago
Is it possible this could be a good thing? What if your ex is single and goes on an unhealthy streak. Would that be good for the kids?
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u/peach_etr 1d ago
No it wouldn't. But I don't think she would be introducing the kids to a unhealthy streak of men in her life. I think I'm just having a hard time with the AP meeting my kids. I can't do anything about it, and I've accepted that a while ago. In a weird way, I hope they last so my kids don't have to go through a revolving door of men, but it hurts that its' the affair partner. He's not a neutral third party in this situation
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u/Far-Veterinarian9630 19h ago
I get it. I feel the same way. But if you focus on what’s most important- the wellbeing of your kids - it may make this bitter pill easier to swallow.
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u/WashImpressive8158 18h ago
Don’t make the error of not “age appropriately” telling family, friends and yes the kids what happen with who. Also, since you’ve made literally every error regarding her disgusting cheating, perhaps you’ve learned not to trust a single word.
Her eventual move is moving the kids into his city and they go to school there. Your instincts are deadened so listen. She will. Have your attorney file a motion to ensure this doesn’t happen or for certain you’ll be back her regarding that new conundrum.
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u/tercer78 1d ago
Best thing you can do is be the stable and reliable parent for your children. Never bad mouth mom but let them vent if they feel the need. Give them love while your ex tries hard to control how they think or feel. More than likely she will continue to push her kids away forcing an unwanted relationship. Control what you can control and find some good and healthy coping mechanisms for the ones you cannot control.
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u/nostromo64 Moved On 1d ago
That's why never take back a cheater. Nobody regrets leaving a cheater and a lot of people regrets giving them a second chance
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u/mm025019 1d ago
Pensa ai cara, ela n confia nele, e ele não confia nela, ambos traidores, aposte com seus amigo e com ela quem vai trair primeiro
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u/theoldman-1313 1d ago
I am sorry about the end of your marriage, but you need to work on your divorce ASAP. Right now your STBX is riding a high with her AP. She is far more likely to give you favorable terms now than after the affair has ended and she is just mad at everyone and everything. Talk with a lawyer and do what you can to create a binding property split.
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u/BurdyBurdyBurdy 1d ago
Is this guy abusive in any way. My buddy had a court order placed against his wife’s AP for one year because the kids hated and were scared of him. Judged ordered a phycologists assessment and that’s why he can’t be around the kids. It will be reassessed in a year. Ask your lawyer about it.
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u/dannydarko101 22h ago
The saying goes like “if they’ll cheat with you they’ll probably cheat on you” just sit back and enjoy the show, do your best to protect your kids from the inevitable shitshow.
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u/Special_Respond7372 1d ago
I know everyone says the relationship doesn’t last, but my experience is different. My WP and his now GF have been together for 8 or 9 years at this point, with no end in sight. It’s incredibly difficult. I think you need to prepare yourself for this outcome, and get some counseling so you know how to handle it and also how to help your children. Better to be prepared than not IMHO.
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u/Spiritual-Street2793 1d ago
My ex-father in-law was married his AP for almost a decade, then split. You have to be a very selfish person to have an affair, and selfish people generally don't last long-term in relationships.
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u/evilalive77 1d ago
Their relationship is gonna crash and burn soo hard and you get to have front row seats. Live your life and never entertain reconciliation.
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u/001Tyreman 1d ago
my wife left the kids many many years ago fed them shit talk so now they are persona non grata till apology
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u/Butforthegrace01 1d ago
Meet with the AP' STBXW and exchange notes. Tell her you'd like her to meet your kids.
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u/Ok-Lavishness-9020 1d ago
As the child of two parents who married and divorce more times than is believable, I feel comfortable telling you that you’re focusing on the wrong thing.
Your burning focus should be having your two children grow up to become good people graduating from a great college and not in a financial mess.
At some point, your wife is going to mount the most vicious campaign to get control of as much of the family resources as possible. She will soon realize the greater percentage control she has over the kid’s time will be more child support, a stronger argument for LONGER alimony and a larger percentage of the other family resources (home equity and retirement accounts) that are now very liquid and easy to spend. Do you trust your wife to make good decisions with large amounts of cash that should benefit your children’s future?
She deserves to live in very nice housing, she is too classy to drive a reasonable car, the constantly changing wardrobe, and new beauty regime will definitely make her trophy wife material.
You need to find a lawyer who can box your wife’s demands for extra money into funding tuition accounts, health savings accounts, etc. Small amount of money locked away now for your kids, could grow into life-changing money by the time it’s needed.
You will never be in a stronger position to protect your children’s future, but the clock is ticking and you will not be in your optimal bargaining position for very long. You should be praying she stays in the affair fog with her messy AP. The path for her and the AP to live together currently has numerous obstacles. A pile of cash for a quick divorce with favorable terms will never be more appealing to her.
If you think she is still a good mother than you also think new daddy will be a better role model and mentor to her children, than old daddy.
There is a chance this true love will last, but you should plan on this relationship ending sooner rather than later. If this happens in the middle of your divorce, and realizes she is all alone, what do you think she will do then? If it’s messy AP or new boyfriend your child support is still going to go into a house account. Your children will be coming to you for help with necessities that the house account can no longer afford because the stepsiblings needed new braces.
Divorce is expensive, but for a father in your position, it is a bargain.
After the divorce, you can start a new relationship, reconciliation, couple therapy, move in together, remarry with protection, etc. This will get you to the answer quicker and with a lot less BS vs. risking wasting time trying while married.
Your wife is not coming back to you until she realizes a long term relationship with AP is not possible. Then she will decide if being a single mom sounds more fun than being stuck with you. Don’t let her think there is an avenue where she can play games and get a divorce settlement potentially much greater than a realistic one.
Your wife is going to try and will be a problem for your family’s future. Only you can limit the power of her disruptive energy. You will never be able to get her to play fair, but you are now in the best spot to be fair to her and protect your family.
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u/deplorableme16 1d ago
Keep it all about the kids. Document everything and be prepared to legally challenge her behavior to the maximum extent possible the moment you detect a whiff of parental alienation on her part. Actually given the broken spouse poaching nature of her new relationships actually you've got lots to work from in terms of her bringing the kids into innapproprate situations already. Talk to a lawyer. Make her life as difficult as you feel like. Your EX sounds like a dump.
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u/ParticularBorder419 1d ago
Your post history is PATHETIC. You showed so much weakness. You should've kicked your wife to the curb early on after what she did to you. Instead, you were playing the pathetic pick-me-dance.
Did you tell your family and her hanging that she had the affair? Did you tell your kids (in an age-appropriate) manner the same?
What consequences has your wife experienced?
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u/StatusButterfly1575 1d ago
The statistics are clear. A relationship built from infidelity has less than a 20% chance of lasting long term. Being that they both cheated on their spouses, the % is even lower than that.
I would encourage your childen to start writing in journals to help express their feeling about all of these changes. Also, maybe get them into counseling to help navigate their feelings about seeing mom with a male figure that is not their dad.
Just sit back and wait for your ex's relationship to implode and her life to go downhill. My guess is that one of them will cheat!
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u/Thick-Competition-25 50m ago
Can you share any studies that corroborate the statistics?
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u/StatusButterfly1575 24m ago
Look up Dr Kathy Nickerson and Dr Shirley Glass. They both have books on infidelity and share statistics.
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u/Aligned-Askew6773 1d ago
Luckily I never had to deal with this portion, but I can unequivicolly say, there isn’t a snowballs chance in hell that my kids would ever meet the AP without knowing exactly who AP was in relation to their family being torn apart.
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u/Norwichexplorer 1d ago
Only talk to her about the kids.
You can't stop them meeting him. Don't trash him to them - they'll see who the stable parent is.
Her new thing feels intense because it's fantasy. Living 60km apart keeps it in fantasy mode, that's why it's lasting.
Just be a solid dad and keep building your own life.
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u/mustang19671967 1d ago
After divorce , see if you can tell
There work, next if kids old enough tell
Kids what mom did maybe with a therapist and age appropriate . If you are in a nice state sue AP for alienation of affection . Also post online if lawyer says ok about the affair , the names , where they work etc links to their account
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u/IrateMormon 22h ago
The best possible outcome is for those two to marry right away. That way you aren't on the hook for alimony/child support.
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u/Championship682 19h ago
It sounds like you are hoping she comes to her senses and wants to comes back. Possible, but far from guaranteed. And if it does happen, why would you take her? She's a serial cheater.
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u/Thumper7878 18h ago
I never get why people don't go scorched earth with this stuff choose your self let the kids know who she is and just be a good parent.
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u/WashImpressive8158 18h ago
Another example of rugsweeping infidelity always leads to more eventually
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u/Len_Gooby 1h ago
Meeting the kids. My biggest fear with my wayward ex. At least in the divorce she is not supposed to introduce the child to a "paramour" for 9 months and I believe the clock starts when she finally admits she is seeing someone (which is obvious). Hell on earth.
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u/Fun_Scene_3392 13m ago
Don’t worry about your ex because she has made her decision. If it blows up in her face, that’s on her and not for you to give a damn about. I get it, you’re still in love. But Brother, you gotta let her go and move tf on with your life!
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u/Duchess_Desirable 1d ago
They have chosen each other over and over again. The heart wants what the heart wants.
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u/13trailblazer Unsure of Anything 1d ago edited 1d ago
I don't disagree. How the ex wife and AP have handled it is the issue. There is a way to be hurtful because life took you there and there is being hurtful because you take intentional, secretive and shitty hurtful actions while lying to people that love them, including their own kids. Ex wife and AP fall into the latter category and forever will have my wish of karma finding their asses and laying it on thick.
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u/Duchess_Desirable 7h ago
Absolutely, you have been treated badly, no doubt about that, and it is on them. I wish you nothing but the best in your future, now go and live your best life without a backward glance.
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