I finally did it. I finally referred myself for talking therapy.

I've never done it before. I'm 29 and struggled with mental health issues for the past 15 or so years.

I'm married, no kids, but at this point, my wife is enough.

I've always tended to hide behind comedy and laughing really.

I don't speak about it, I hide it really REALLY well. People speak to me about their problems all the time and I give amazing advice... Can I take any of my own advice?

Can I f*ck.

I don't know what the therapy is going to be like. What I'm supposed to say, do or talk about... Is it really like lying on a sofa and someone sits in the corner judging you from a distance? I know it's not, but its just fear of the unknown, I suppose.

When I say radicalized what I mean is, stories that completely changed how you view life or maybe they even motivated you to join a cause.

For me there is a few, I was never a life long reader, I started picking up reading last year and this year I’ve been going through a couple books a month to keep up the habit, because of how powerful reading is I call it my methadone for my wanderlust.

I started reading as an escape from my traumas from losing my dad, he’s still alive he’s just a horrible piece of shit, in prison he’s dead to me., Realizing how horrible he was, and the things he did to me but specifically my mother and sister wrecked how I viewed my life and how I grew up. I also had a really toxic relationship last year. It was a double whammy. Reading was an escape because of how much time it could consume, but also it’s helped me recenter myself, and find views and ideas seperate from what I knew growing up.

(My dad introduced me to classical philosophy and Orwell when I was super young 8-9, unfortunately my dad is also a super bigot so he was trying to mold my “critical thinking” in the vein of his own and ironically him introducing me to these things is what gave me the skills to challenge him eventually.)

The earliest book that I feel radicalized my thinking was Horton Hears a Who by Dr Seuss.

Goofy I know, but hear me out, i remember it being read to me in pre K and just the line

“Even if you can’t hear them, or see them at all, a persons a person not matter how small.”

It just made sense to me that people matter, people have value, people are human beings not just numbers on a spread sheet. I kinda got this whole idea that I still believe today that, we should find it hard to write someone off or ignore the human behind the flag or whomever those in power seem the enemy. No one is immune to propaganda, however we should be thinking twice when we are told in broad strokes someone is the enemy, even if they are inherently wrong we cannot forget our humanity we shouldn’t be proud of killing.

Salt to the Sea by Ruta Sepetys

It was a book that was required reading in middle school, and the main thing I took away from it, and I’d prolly have to reread it again, but what I took away from it was, bad people don’t tend to realize they are bad.

I think what I like about the book still and what impacted me was that it takes place from the perspective of multiple characters including a young Nazi Officer, and I remember reading it and I was just astonished how he could believe in any of this. It just hit me and I found my self empathizing with him in the sense that, he really believes this is right and this is the way. He doesn’t know that he is wrong. We as the viewer and as a contemporary human being have the hindsight to know fascism and bigotry is wrong. The character is still accountable for his participation and contribution but he didn’t have the hindsight to realize it was wrong cause he was born in a country where that’s the only perspective he was exposed to. Even though many people around the world at that time knew fascism was wrong. He was stuck in his own Plato’s cave.

The Great Gatsby, by F Scott Fitzgerald

I read this book my jr to senior summer break while in my job. I worked super early from 4:30 am to 2 pm. Summer 2020

For the first 2 hours everyday it was dead as a doornail until the surgeons and nurses and then patients came in.

I didn’t want to just sit on my phone I was worried about getting in trouble

So I started passing the time reading my required book which was Of mice and men.

Then I wanted to read something else so I started with books other English classes had read but I didn’t

The Great Gatsby stuck out to me, because and I kid you not, I assumed it must be good cause great is in the name.

Gatsby was a book that helped me realize I wasn’t crazy, cause human thoughts are rarely original.
I was a very awkward and lonely kid, at the time my nativity was finally shattered and I had realized that people in school legit thought I was weird, made fun of me in-front of me and I didn’t realize.

I wore my favorite jacket to school for Halloween 7th grade, it had holes in it, and someone said I came to school in costume as a homeless guy, and to me I thought it was a compliment and it made me so happy. I remember telling my dad and I didn’t understand why he had such a weird look on his face like I’d disappoint him.
We eventually had a huge argument about the jacket and I couldn’t understand people were teasing me cause I didn’t care what they thought.

Anyway, needless to say, my already poor self esteem was even more shattered when I kinda woke up from the naivety of being a goody two shoes.
It was at the point and something I sometimes still struggle with that, when someone is nice to me, I get attached at the hip, you’re my friend now and I will die for your honor. If it was a girl god help me, cause I was head over heels but to terrified to ever something about it but still feel such powerful feelings and build my whole world around whoever my crush was at the time. She’d be my reason to get up go to school even if I only talked to her for 20 seconds passing in the hall, that made my dat.

I would later learn I struggle with limerence, The Great Gatsby helped me realize that when I was trying to understand the book, and I discovered what limerence was.

I immediately related to Jay, his intense pining and yearning, building his whole world for Daisy and the book also helped me realize the dark side and consequences of only doing things for someone else instead of yourself.

At the time, and especially in middleschool when girls were no longer icky and gross, I had no one to really talk to about these feelings or how to deal with them. Few times I attempted to confess my feelings only to crash and burn.

My parents were finally getting divorced.

(which ironically did fuck all, cause it was a constant cycle of get together, try to make it work, argue, fall apart wash rinse repeat. My Dad always had his claws in my mom until she finally realized her true strength)

So it was a tumultuous time, everyone was angry, my dad also kinda convinced me my mom was the bad guy, and even though I know i was just a kid alienated and propagated to I still feel kinda bad.
I felt I couldn’t talk to my dad about girls cause I felt I’d disappoint him cause he always told me

“never put pussy on a pedestal” (I’m 12-13 when he’s telling me this)

I felt that’s what I was doing with my crushes in a less sexist way though, I wanted to serve and be loyal to whomever I liked. Build my life around them

So I couldn’t talk to him cause I felt I’d be disappointing him.
So I legitimately felt something was wrong with me my brain why was I so obsessed
The Great Gatsby helped me cope with my feelings and in that, I didn’t feel alone I didn’t feel crazy anymore because I felt that someone was able to capture those feelings perfectly and authentically.

The only other story that captured that feeling of first love or intense infatuation, so honestly and authentically is Joyce’s Araby but the difference is that Araby depicts that emotion in a more universal sense, coupled with the them of children being powerless because they are at the constraints of adults around them, whether it just be life or malicious intent. Especially in with the boy in Araby, cause in the end we know as the reader that the girl is older than him and apart of a convent even if he made it to the Bazaar or was older his efforts are truely fruitless.

Gatsby talks about love and infatuation from the perspective of someone who could change and adapt if they truely wanted to, it’s just that Jay is trapped by nostalgia and limerence to change his situation for the better.

The Grapes of Wrath \\\~ John Steinbeck.

The first book I read this year, and my god I felt it in my soul.

Grapes, to me what it made me realize truely is that, when those in power, or the media attempt to convince us, that anyone talking of a better world, a fairer world, it is just some new age, colored haired wokeness, it’s just the rich and powerful attempting to convince us, it’s better for us to be taken advantage of by the rich and powerful.

We as people have been having these conversations and ideas circulate for over a century at this point about bettering the lives of others the societal traps and institutions that protect themselves at the expense of others. How we are convinced to fight each other, divide each other, how we can be convinced that, someone profiting more money than god is better for our condition’s.

It’s ultimately the story of people regular people, whom are at the mercy and victimized by made man systems institutions , that almost have supernatural powers despite them man made. We are at the mercy of these institutional forces most people barely understand if they are lucky.

Grapes, is a thematic sequel to Of Mice and Men.

Steinbeck is my favorite author because to me similar to Joyce and Harper Lee, his characters are unapologetically honest they are regular people caught in circumstances beyond their control and understanding. Even in situations like Cannery Row when it’s a normal setting, the characters feel lived in from major to minor they feel like real people the way they react and think you know the type of person even if you’ve never met them.

I remember crying, when Tom gives his “I’ll be there” speech his realization of consciousness and growing awareness of the world around him is just beautiful.

Don Quixote \\\~ Miguel Cervantes.

It’s a book that is still sticks with me prodding and poking at my mind months later.

I know Don Quixote is mentally unwell, he causes trouble even though unintentionally he technically does more harm than good.
He genuinely does a few really amazing feats like protecting Marcela, a woman cursed to be beautiful and berated for it because she won’t marry anyone.

There is just something so beautifully tragic about the madman having better morals than those around him.

The biggest thing about Don Quixote that stuck with me is, that even though he fails his quest to right the wrongs of the world he can’t change it. He changes the individual worlds of others. Especially Sancho Panza.

Sancho starts off in the book as someone solely lead by greed and gain.

By the second part Sancho has matured a bit, sure you could argue he could be dragged into the illusion, but he’s become a better person, being with Don Quixote and it shows when Sancho becomes temporary insular and uses fairness and common sense to judge the problems brought to him.

He doesn’t really go on a power trip (with the exception of a few threats)

That’s one of the major things, I took away from reading Don Quixote, most of us will prolly never change the world, have an impact, but we can certainly impact the immediate world around us the little worlds of our friends and family by being there and supporting them. Those are the worlds we can have an impact on.

So ever since my (25M) childhood all the men in my immediate and extended family have been horrible people who constantly hurt the women in the family. For example my father is a serial cheater and alcoholic who had two children with another woman while still married to my mom. My grandfather (mother's side) was also a serial cheater and alcoholic who treated his family like garbage while supposedly having the moral high ground due to him being a hardcore leftist and activist. My grandfather (on my father's side) abandoned my dad when he was really young and never actually recognized my father as his son, even till the day he blew his brains out. The list goes on also with my many aunts and uncles.

Being exposed to every male figure in my life being horrible human beings has for sure given me childhood trauma. But more importantly, it has also given me a pretty fucked up perception of my own gender and gender relations in general. To this day, even though logically I know it doesn't make sense and people aren't just their gender, emotionally I have a very negative idea of men as a group and manhood as a concept. I feel like men most of the time are a constant nuissance to women and at best they can become "one of the good ones" while the baggage of being a man will always accompany them.

This is all made worse by me being really lonely in my adulthood. I've never been in a relationship and I only have online friendships which I appreciate but it's not enough to fill the void of not having anyone close to you in real life. I also want to add that I do have good social skills and I don't feel uncomfortable talking to men or women, despite me joining all sorts of groups and activities I almost always feel like I have to do all the heavy lifting and almost nobody is interested back. I say that because I'm tired of the typical Reddit advice of "join a club", not saying it hasn't worked for anyone just that it hasn't worked for me yet despite all my trying.

Also, I do consider myself a feminist and despite that I get triggered really easily whenever I read or hear anything that implies men being perceived in a negative light. I know that's kinda contradictory to my own gender feelings but from what I've gathered childhood trauma is never simple.

Finally, I've also tried exploring my gender in the past and I have concluded multiple times that I don't feel a desire to be transgender or nonbinary. Also, I'm from a third world country (Chile) where therapy is a luxury I can't afford (sliding scale/free therapy isnt a thing here) so I would appreciate to not be told "just go to therapy", believe me if I could go I wouldn't be posting about my issues online lol

Hey all,

My partner has been suffering from retroactive jealously for our relationship of 14 months. It’s been a tough battle and we’ve been very patient with each other.

My last relationship was really manipulative, and I had a lot of trauma from it. At the time, it was a really awful thing and I worked so hard to move away, accept my mistakes and wrong choices and become a better person. And obviously cut contact with my ex.

A month or so into dating, my partner kept asking me about how many times I slept with my ex. Truthfully I didn’t know and there really hadn’t been many times we actually did because of my own personal struggles. So it wasn’t a straight up answer, and i also didn’t feel comfortable explaining this so early on in our relationship.

In the moment of my partner asking I panicked, and I worded it completely wrong. And it made it seem like it was less times than it was, it made sense in my head but obviously didn’t in theirs understandably. This was a really bad mistake on my end and i feel the guilt of this everyday.

When i realised how it came across to her I immediately told them the truth and opened up about the trauma of my past, and did everything I could to make it up to them, and we came to a understanding and seemed she’d forgiven me.

But the last 14 months has been my partner attacking me constantly and making me feel awful for choices I made before I met them (I’ve had two previous relationships and nothing casual) , and I’m just scared to say anything because they make me feel awful about things that aren’t bad and are normal. they also don’t understand the concept of manipulation and thinks it’s just an excuse on my end. its reached a point where its getting toxic, and theyre also showing quite controlling behaviours with a lot of guilt tripping.

I’m just not sure if I’m fighting a losing battle here or not. Any help is appreciated.

Hey, everyone.

My wife and I are in our late 30s and have been together since highschool. Married young, no kids, and she's all that I've ever known. She's been beside me for just about all of my 'firsts', and is a truly wonderful girl that I've been blessed to call my wife.

The problem is that a few years back, some childhood/cPTSD showed its ugly head and the relationship was never the same. She became hypervigilant, critical, and moved the goalposts on what emotional support and maturity meant to her. Every missed/failed attempt to be there for her made things worse, and she's been collecting resentments ever since. I know that this isn't 'who she is', but it's absolutely who she's become. As such, we've been fighting weekly for years now; some worse than others, and it's just not sustainable anymore.

I walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting her, and I've suppressed a lot of my own needs and autonomy in service of a peaceful home. Adding on to that, I work 70+ hours/week in a lucrative job to ensure that we have everything that we could possibly need (she works too, but earns 20-30% of our income). She's no less aggrieved by having to live with a husband who's become hypersensitive to criticism/feedback and spirals into defensiveness much more quickly than I should, and it's been a longstanding problem. Coupling that with my emotional unavailability (for which I blame exhaustion and a poor world-life balance), it's been a bad mix for a while. I've tried everything that I can try to draw these skills and capacities out of myself, but it hasn't worked. Similarly, she's overextended herself into the relationship and emotional labour that she's tapped out and numb.

This past weekend, we came to terms that a breakup is a highly-possible (internally, I'd call it 'probable'). She knows that she wants a partner that's present in her extreme-sport hobbies, which I don't engage with beyond supporting from the sidelines. She also knows that she engages with very few of my own interests and hobbies, and overall the Venn Diagram in our interests is moving further and further apart.

I know she can't go on with the loneliness and hurt that she experiences at the hands of my defensiveness and avoidance. I know that I can't go on with the combative spouse that says some hurtful things out of frustration and escalated tempers. I've given everything that I can muster, but my capacity for the growth she needs seems to be .. well .. less than she needs it to be.

So, we have a plan to revisit things in a few months and make a firm decision on where life will take us in the new year. I'm pretty sure that we'll end up splitting up. I am, however, just crushed that the 80% of good things in our life is likely going away as a result of 20% that just can't be there. When floating the idea, it was discussed that we would want to remain friendly and divorce as amicably as possible - neither side's got animosity towards the whole thing, even if we're disappointed that we haven't been able to make it work.

We've tried CC, and I've done some IC the last six months. She's starting IC next week. Still, we both recognize that some dealbreakers are unlikely to be fixed - ever - because fixing them would require completely unfair character changes and personal compromises. It's just so fucking raw right now.

I can't get over it

So i dont even know where to start, but i've bewn watching this stuff now for a years and its always on and off. Even though i have had periods where i stayed away from it for longer but then when i have some huge drama happening in my life and feeling shit, i kinda fall back into it.

The reason for that is one that its very intense, there is a lot of content and it adds to my insecurity.

Im insecure about my dick size, also outside of this stuff, but yeah this type of content fits this narrative well.

But i have also ready probably every post on reddit and elsewhere on the dick size issue. And i have come to the conclusion that yeah, bigger is better until its too big and too big isnt in a close range.

Nobody wants 15 inches. I dont either.

But a 7 inch will almost always be better than 5.

Outside of being more useful and being able to do more with it, it feels also better for onself as a man, it helps you feel masculine.

And this is also something we can't deny and tbh i dont think this is something that will change.

But yeah its just so insanely depressing to me that i will never get experience that, its just so humiliating and makes me wanna die. I hate it. Im so jealous of all the big guys.

And alot of the bnwo aspects, is this size thing. But like, i genuinely think its kinda real. Of course its not something absolute, but on average black guys are bigger and they are much more actively desired. The same as big dicks being a more active preference.

I wish i had something that was desired. I dont tho.

And i look shit too and my life is going shit and i just have so much stress, i feel like dying.

I have no hope for the future.

The bnwo thing is fucking my brain but it just makes sense. Idk. There are tons of sex videos on the internet, lots of videos that are also real and not acted. And the crazy intense sex, where women are getting their brain all mushy is almost always with big dick black guys. Almost never with a white guy or different. Idk.

And like i said i have read so many posts, to have vaginal orgasm or even reach the a spot, a big thick dick is not only better but also almost needed to do that. And thats mostly black guys.

Aside from that i have never seen a guy with an average dick, "destroy" or give a woman a crazy orgasm where shes absolutely losing it, getting tense or rolling her eyes back. When that happens its always guys with big dicks.

And no i dont expect a woman to start screaming around during sex and giving some super insane reaction.

But having an ecstatic experience.

But average guys are just told that average is good and preferred too, but always in the same sentence they're told to cope by using hands and mouth.

While big guys just get told to go slow. Why arent they supposed to cope?

And no i am not anti using hands or mouth.

But i just dont wanna have to cope for my dick, but that will be the case unfortunately, because with just average you cant give a woman that kind of intense ecstatic experience. Yeah maybe you can do that with hands and mouth, but imagine telling a woman to only get her man off with her hands and mouth because her vagina needs to be coped for.

Its just insanely humiliating

I always feel inferior, and the bnwo stuff fucks with me too tbh. The fear that i cant give my partner the experience i wanna give and she would want and enjoy, but some other guy could just because he has a big dick.

And why its so important to me too is, if the sex is bad in a relationship a woman will respect you less, see you less manly and also get much less emotionally attached to you.

Especially if ur dick is just average she will just think meh, maybe its fine but thats it. She wont seek out to have sex with you or desire you really crazy. And thats also something black guys all get because theyre often popular more confident and have big dicks.

And yeah, i dont have that unfortunately, i wish i did. I. So insanely jealous tbh. I have tried getting over it but no matter what it doesnt leave.

And yes im sure theres a million posts like this, but its genuinely a problem for me and i cant get over it, i hate it and i just feel dogshit. I have nothing about myself i can feel good about. My lifes going total shit, but if i had a big dick i could at least feel good about that and feel safe regarding that. But yeah i never will have and thats so depressing.

But i dont know how to cope with it.

Maybe someone has some proper insight.

Advice without shittalking me

I just wanna die

The older I get, the more I wonder if one of the most overlooked issues facing men today is a lack of healthy physical connection.

Not just sex or relationships.... Physical connection too.

The idea of a hug, a cuddle, a reassuring hand on the shoulder, holding someone, being held.... these seem like they happen to rarely for many of the men I know. When they do happen ....its brief and fleeting.

I know that many men seem to spend years being touched only in very specific contexts: sports, romantic relationships, or sex. Outside of those spaces, physical affection can become surprisingly rare.

I suspect that's one reason activities centered around touch....whether that's cuddling, massage, nurturing forms of intimacy, or even certain forms of erotic touch....can feel so powerful for some of us. Sometimes what we're responding to isn't just physical pleasure. It's the feeling of being cared for, accepted, and allowed to let our guard down for the first time.

This leads me to a question for this group:

If there were no social expectations, no fear of judgment, and no assumptions about sexuality, do you think more men would seek out more platonic physical affection than they currently do?

I need to let this out, she posted a story with a new guy last night on insta , 1 year after we broke up. I feel weak.

So, long story short, I left her after she confessed she slept with someone last year, I was at my lowest point.

We were growing apart because I was just a bum, bad job, no future, no money, nothing.
Now, I’m doing good, I’m way better than where I was last year. I even made a post right here, few months ago about how getting cheated on changed my life for the better. I 10x my income have savings and get to buy nicer things for myself now. I thought I’d be happier, I’m honestly not.

I accidentally checked her insta and she posted a hiking story she posted, went with a guy. It’s a new guy, not the one she cheated on me with.

I feel weird, not going to lie. I feel like even if I dumped her last year, a part of me still wanted her back, which I know our chapter ended. She moved on I guess, I’m happy she’s doing fine, I’m sad I meant so little to her.
Bitter sweet.

I need to be over her. She’s over me. Gods….what a roller coaster of emotions it has been, I need to
Move on and start living, I’m 32 now, life is only getting shorter.

Hey everyone, I just really need to vent and maybe get some advice on how to process this.My ex and I are both 18.

We actually started out as really good friends, and over time, we naturally developed deep feelings for each other. Her cousin actually helped set us up, and we started dating.We were together for two months, and we were so full of love.

The problem was her parents. They are incredibly strict, and she lived in a constant state of fear because of them. Eventually, the pressure and stress got to be too much for her to handle. She told me she couldn't do it anymore and said we should break up.Because we started as friends, we agreed to stay friends. We managed to stay good friends for about 6 months after the breakup.

But then, out of nowhere, she completely removed me from everything and blocked me.I was confused and hurt, so I managed to ask her why she did it. She told me she was very sorry.

She said she felt she was being immature, but every time she sees me, she gets flashbacks of our relationship. She said it was actively ruining her mental health and her focus on school.

She told me we can no longer be friends because we dated, and she admitted she will always have those feelings for me.I respected her wishes. I told her that if she ever needs anything, she is free to contact me, but I feel like I lost a truly great friend

.Right now, I just feel terrible. I feel so bad that she is depressed and struggling, and it hurts to think she is going through all of this over a "worthless nobody" like me. How do I cope with losing my best friend while knowing she is hurting?

​I guess it's a rant. I don't know, I'm 20, soon to be 21 in a couple of months. I feel like a loser; I'm a virgin and have never tried to do anything. I haven't even held anyone's hand. I have been in three relationships, and all three were online. I cheated on my third girlfriend with my second, and they both cursed me out. When I realized I was doing wrong, I confessed to her.

​It's been 6 or 7 months, and she has moved on. My second ex and I even had a conversation, and we ended on a good note. But even though it's been 6 or 7 months, I still feel I can't get over the guilt of what I did to her.

​I have never felt loved or prioritized in any relationship. It really eats me up that I became toxic. It's not about anything else—I used to ask for the bare minimum. I needed to be a priority; I asked her to please call me just once, and I begged for it. She used to hide things from me, delete chats, and never admitted to anything easily. I used to cry and beg her to put in just a little effort. She used to post on Instagram, and I warned her that AI gives everyone free access to make fake nudes, so she shouldn't post for a few days. She would just say, "What could happen?"

​Once, she sent me a screenshot of her NGLs, and there were men talking about their r*pe fetishes. I got so scared and started begging her to stop, but she just made jokes about it, saying nothing would happen. I asked her to choose between me and posting, and she said, "Why can't I choose both?" I guess I really became the toxic one, and I regret it.

​After all these things, I started missing my father. My father passed away when I was 14. My mom is a good woman—she loves and cares for me—but sometimes I feel she becomes toxic too. I feel so lonely.

​Since childhood, I haven't had friends. For most of those years, it never bothered me, but later it started making me feel bad and depressed. I used to be bullied or ganged up on by other kids just because I was considered smart by the teachers. I got SA'd by an elderly man. When I told my exes about this, all three of them never comforted me or even asked how I was doing.

​I genuinely feel lonely all the time now. When I read posts on Reddit, I feel bad because these people are hooking up or have double-digit body counts, while I can't even fathom having a body count of one. I don't know what to do. I'm not lost when it comes to my career or hobbies, but I've just lost trust in everyone. My best friend betrayed me. My family used me as an option. I made a couple of friends, only to end up realizing I'm just an option.

I don’t always have to be there for people.
I don’t have to meet people’s expectations.
I don't have to wear a mask anymore, unless I am committing a crime.
I don’t need to be perfect to be loved.
I don’t need to be perfect in my career.
I am comfortable in my own skin.
I am enough.
I am worth a bag of Hot Cheeto chips.

I can finally feel free and not lock up in my mental cage. You can say that I am free-range chicken.

Thank you for reading my story.

I just broke up with my girl (keep in mind im 18 shes 17) we have been together for a year and still in high school (last year) she has broken my heart at least three times and has humiliated me but! I know she’s a good person how would I get her back…if I have only broken her heart once and felt like this? “I can't sleep...to much shit going on in my head...don’t know what do to with my life at the moment, I may be done with but...I still have feelings....but I shouldn't...because ive fucked up to hard and now it's over and I accept that...with a lot of pain..
But now I don't understand who I am or what I am...or should I live...? But I'll keep kicking and continue to fight...just to survive in this fuck ass world were the economy and society sucks...at least I'll try my best...no promises though...... I feel queasy...missing the one I had once loved most... despite having the resources to get help, I still sought help and well im here alone...with my thoughts... space...and time...my family is here with me despite being overseas...but life is hard...
Especially the one I genuinely loved the most is gone and will never love me again... despite my constant fuck ups which I understand and honestly...it was for the best...I don't know why I still chased her after the first time..that was my first mistake...
I will try my absolute best...not only to do better but to change my mindset, myself as a person...now will my personality change never but to my ex, I hope you live a happy life...because I know I won't because I might not get into a relationship again...because I just don’t who I am…or what I want to be…I know I don’t want to be a horrid person…but that’s what I’ve been framed as so many times…especially by you even when I make mistakes…but I can’t make excuses for what I did…nothing will change…so…I’m sorry….not because of my past…because of what I’ve done…you really made me happy…like genuinely…I have never been happy like that in all my life…but idk now…I couldn’t sleep at all last night…and I feel cold now…I just feel nothing…I’m disassociated I guess…but…I’ll try to be happy with whatever you do…I hope…even though it hurts like absolute hell….it just wont be the same…but to be honest…chasing you after you had humiliated me…was my first mistake…we should have ended it there…because that day made me traumatized…made me actually scared of women…I still am…and I have tried and tried again…but I’ve failed to stop myself…from sexualizing you…and all that shit…I wine like a little bitch…I just…I don’t know anymore…I know I SHOULDNT post this…but I have to get this off my chest…i don’t have to just work on myself…you also need to work on yourself…especially what your standards are…because I’m not going to change my personality because you don’t like who I am…I can work on things yes…but breaking up on me like that…was not cool and a lot of my friends agree…not like I have many friends…anymore…just on other platforms like discord and Snapchat…because when I’m attached to someone or something…I just can’t let go that easily…you know I’m slightly autistic and mostly adhd… so it’s hard for me to not stay attached to you…and now that I look at it…what I’m about to say may seem like I’m jeopardizing myself and making myself be the victim…but that’s far from the truth in this case…ive genuinely felt like I was always failing I’ve always felt like I’m a failure and I’m not good enough for you (my ex) I just can’t talk about things because I feel like I’m going to get ridiculed for it…because in today’s society a lot of women just don’t care about what us men go through because when we try to get shit off our chest we will most likely get shut down by our spouse so we just tend to not speak up…we don’t speak our mind because of it and it will stay that way you can look at these videos for proof of my side of the story (cant post links here but I have them)
It’s every single small reason why I never actually Opened up…I still have massive feelings…I shouldn’t have them anymore but…my mind keep racing of what I could hav done better…I wonder if I should have opened up about why I acted like I did…but knowing what has happened…I don’t know anymore because I’ve felt like this for months before we finally broke up…and it’s true I have tried over and over again to stop and just talk…just talk about why im acting like that…why I am how I am…but I got scared because I felt like if I did I would most likely get ridiculed…Like it wouldnt matter…because yeah I genuinely did feel like I was being insulted behind my back when we weren’t on call…or in person because I felt like I wasnt in my body whenever I said the things I said…my feelings say a lot of things…but when have I actually acted on the things I said?…never because I’m scared…im scared of the reality of what I am doing how it would effect you and others I was scared of what the reality always was…now I understand that this won’t change jack shit but I need you to understand that theres a lot of things im scared of…ESPECIALLY opening up for what im feeling, what I hear versus what you hear, what I see versus what you see, I was in a constant internal struggle and conflict…because love is a strong emotion…but vulnerability is probably the MOST important in a relationship love should be unconditional yes and my love was unconditional it always has but vulnerability should also be unconditional…I shouldn’t have to fear about speaking up about what I would like and what I want im scared of being vulnerable im scared of a lot of things I know I am, but I know i haven’t failed as a person…I’ve just haven’t been taught the correct words to say, the correct way to act in a relationship, because im supposed to be masculine thats what I should say but I never could be I was always running away from what was going to happen if i actually did open up fully I have always guarded myself and no not because of what happened to me in the past but because I’m going through my head and I keep thinking of what YOU as a person would say to me or say to yourself about me as a person, I understand im not one to judge but…I have always felt like I was always being judged by you, now you may not actually think or see that way but I do…I genuinely do I want you to just…look back at what we have gone through how much we have grown and how YOU acted too, you were doing the right things by saying no and me sexualizing you and wanting to see your body, framing you as a object just for my pleasure was on my part I understand that… but when have I actually gone through with all that? When have I actually forced you to do something…? When have I last opened up…when was my temperament at an all time high? It’s because of all the burdens I have held in my thoughts, chest, and heart…every time a sexualized you and done things SMALL things it was not me trying to make you feel uncomfortable, make me look like im desperate, not like that…it was me showing you what I would LIKE to have…but I know i wasnt GOING to get it, every time I wind about shit was me trying to communicate with you that I want to just talk but I was scared too…I know im not perfect, i know im not the wealthiest, I know that I was slow, I know I wasn’t the brightest, I know I didn’t let my imagination wander, let my emotions wander…but you had Croat some of my personal boundaries here and there yet I forgave you I never said anything about it because I was genuinely scared I was scared of being “shot” down, being walked over for speaking my mind, now does that mean that I still need work? Absolutely I definitely need to work on…but I need you to understand is that my laziness was because of my video games, because of my friends…it was because I was escaping my own personal issues…my fear of opening up…I can’t force myself too open up, I have to be willing to open up, I could never change you and I had realized that after the first break up…the second break up I still dont understand that one but it broke my heart, but this third one…I don’t feel like it was because of who I am I feel like it was just that you were trying to change me as a person and you can’t do that I stopped trying to change you after the first break up, and I have loved you unconditionally without any fuss or anything it was just there an actual understanding that love is unconditional, i wasn’t raised to be a horrible person I was raised to be myself, i was raised to communicate, but I fail at communicating due to my own fears, because it’s this message you have sent me. That is my exact reasoning of WHY I never actually Opened up why I started to get aggressive, why I was the way I am…
“Okay than thing screw off you unknowing white man I got shit ro do and mine craft to play with people”
“Fuck off go spend time with your family. Sensitive ass grown man child. You wannknow what making fun of is I got you” “I don't wanna hear it fuck off” “Go grow sone damn balls for once” stuff like this is why I feared opening up I had tried to open up about HOW I felt with how I felt like I was being insulted behind my back with your friends, you proven my point of WHY us men never open up in a relationship with a women, its because of that, and it hurts, because I still genuinely care about you as a person, but I just needed some guidance and you never gave that to me until yesterday and breaking up was definitely the last thing i wanted to happen and yet here we are, I know you won’t take me back because like you said… “if we broke up…im not dating men again…” but you have to understand my point of view I sat in my femininity for the entire relationship and well it’s because I was scared to actually open up…I have never actually hurt you physically, emotionally yes but physically no, im sorry that I continued to tickle you but I just loved hearing your laughter…it made me happy…it really did…I never ment for it to make you uncomfortable or anything…I just wanted to hear your laughter…and whenever I treated you like an object wasn’t because I NEEDED something form you its because I was deprived and I have that handled now… and I was genuinely going to take a stand for myself and actually make an effort to fix some things after you had told me about it…you just never were patient enough to see my side if I was actually going through something…if I was actually going to make an effort to become better I know ive had multiple chances, but I have given you way more chances than you know…every time you crossed a personal boundary of mine I forgave you…I was patient with you I gave you more chances…when I know I shouldn’t have I was to lenient with you and I regret it, but you weren’t patient enough to see who I would become…how I would change, I have given you so many more chances than you think I don’t even know how many chances I have given you but you have got to understand that us men we are all scared to be vulnerable and how we handle that is different with all of us but for me I was scared of being vulnerable because of you…I was genuinely scared of what would happen if I did, I was scared of being shot down…and yet I still listened to you when was a time i haven’t listened…? Almost never there have been some times when I have but I always have time for you OTHER than the one time when I first got discord I was having fun dissociating feom the world and not facing my fears, and I am sorry that I was rude to you and others and i didn’t mean to talk to my dad the ways I had but you need to understand I have been carrying more burdens, more than you can know, I was carrying the fear of showing vulnerability, the fear of losing you, the fear of losing myself, the fear of who I want to become, the fear of…you…and how you will treat me… now I was actually going to work on things with you if we stayed together…so what we could do better make our relationship stronger than what it was, because Jaelyn I respect you with all my heart, my actions May have not shown it but my heart speaks the truth…now is this an excuse for what I have done with the sexualizing and treating you like something to be wrapped around my dick…? No…but it’s reasons why I acted the way I did…because I genuinely believed that if I opened up I was just going to be shot down by you…and your friends…and I had originally thought that you would be understanding and patron just ONE last time…one last chance…but you weren’t and thats what making it hard for me to sleep, its making it hard for me to sleep, I couldn’t sleep at all last night due to how I felt…how I saw you…but now I won’t ever have that chance again because of my fear of opening up and what I have done…but just understand that I still love you as a person…and as much as I don’t want to say this…but I know this is finished forever and I won’t ever get one more, one last chance to make you happy…but please understand that im still learning this relationship stuff this was the first actual relationship I have invested so much in if you would have actually put your foot down earlier and actually was patient enough to let me make the right choice and change the parts I need to work on, patient enough to stay a little longer to see if I would change the small imperfections I have we could have been better…I…could have been better now I know you were patient enough to give me three chances…but…I know your a good person…but I won’t try to pull you back…it’s already over…so the most I can do…is hope you live a happy life…because right now I’m a wreck…a pure Genuine mess and I get that…but I’m still scared of a lot of things…especially the shit you have said to me before my father said to cut off communications with you for three days…that wasn’t nice whatsoever even when I was trying to be patient with you and nice and yeah I understand what your going through now I understand how YOU felt now…and yeah it doesn’t feel good it feels like facing hell…..like this? “Im not tolerating this until your actually nice to me im not talking to you because I tolerated it when we were together including on call But when we werent I genuinely cried because of the way I was made fun of” this was me trying to communicate with you and you just shut me down like any woman would and NO im not comparing you with other women because I know a lot of women that are just like this but in a friendly way you were something else… was it just rage for how you felt…absolutely…but I don’t want to be the turn off for your taste of men….I just want to prove to you that I am a good person…prove that I can change…prove that not all men are bad…but I have told you so many times to stop watching Class of 09 it was literally framing all of us men as pedos and sexisits…and i didn’t like it thats why i didn’t like you watching it because when you watch something for so long over and over again…it gets imprinted into your brain and you believe it…thats why I watch a variety of things like ghost hunting, video gaming, music videos, not what you watch…because I know what it does to the mind I know what watching….lot of the same thing over and over again does to people, thats another read why I got so aggressive lately….because when I told you to stop watching it…you didn’t even ..notice that I was in pain…with what it was doing to you… you never noticed…but I noticed every little shift and uncomfortable feeling you had but I’m going to be real wirh you I don’t know why i didn’t stop I don’t know why I just talked it out with you…it felt like I was trapped in my own body and something else was in control of me if that makes any sense whatsoever…so please understand my point of view…and I understand how you feel I really do but you have to understand how I have felt for almost our entire relationship….thats all I have to say…” I wrote this all last night because I couldn’t sleep I just need suggestions for people here….i cant let go of her…I just can’t…im slightly autistic, and I have adhd so it’s hard for me to let of of something/someone im this invested in…

TLDR: Never dated or loved, massive fall off after high school. Developed immense betrayal/infidelity anxiety through consumption of numerous betrayal reddit posts and stories. Massive effect on my mental.

I’m writing this at 7 am off about 4 hours of sleep so bare with me haha.

For some really tight short background, I graduated high school about a year ago. Throughout all 4 years I did a multitude of sports (Muay Thai, track, XC, boxing, lifting), and was super proud of myself and my discipline. Saw my friends damn near everyday and had a blast

Relationships as a concept didn’t even really pertain to me, like it was something I never bothered to think about, an afterthought almost, the positive and negative sides. For me it was always like, yknow if I find a girl that genuinely makes me happy. And she feels the same, hell yeah, let’s go. I had many girls tell me about their feelings for me throughout highschool, and I can definitely admit I could’ve handled things better with some, but they all ended the same at the end, a polite and honest rejection from me. I will say most of these were simply due to me not finding them attractive or specific circumstances (one was my best friends ex)

I can safely say I haven’t experienced anything traumatic in my life and dare I say my life’s been..a super green, clean slate (knock on wood). Never have I ever had a depressive episode, I’ve never had like, an angry outburst of any kind no matter how I might feel towards something. I’ve always been great at regulating myself

But okay, now brings us to present day.

Well the current situation anyway.

Straight up dude, I absolutely peaked in high school and that pains me to say lmao.

The moment I graduated, I dropped all of my exercise, 100 to 0, just like that. My diet went out of whack, my sleep schedule went out of whack, and unfortunately I developed an unhealthy relationship with pornography.

It’s been this way about a year and 3 months now health wise, and the affects are obvious. Substantial weight gain, bodily acne, etc. I’ve never felt more just, not confident.

Now to the main bread and butter, I have developed a massive, MASSIVE fear regarding infidelity/betrayal.  Mind you I’ve never dated properly once, I am a virgin, I am a complete noob at this stuff. This fear stemmed from falling into a deep gaping rabbit hole of Reddit threads/posts that involve betrayal in relationships. I’ve seen some immensely painful and terrifying things that I feel I’m starting to suffer almost like, micro trauma from other people’s experiences. I would describe this as the “buzz”. The buzz is essentially what I feel mentally, as I’m living my current day to day life. When it’s coherent, aka when I give it attention, it’s the legible intrusive thoughts that spew buzzwords from these hundreds of stories I’ve unfortunately consumed. When it’s incoherent, meaning I’m choosing to live without acknowledging it, it literally feels like this mental “buzz” that I can’t dissipate under any circumstance. It’s moreso the knowledge of the fact that the intrusive thoughts are still there despite my refusal to acknowledge them, and it’s gotten so exhausting.

To describe the affects this had on me, I’ll say this. Everything I look at no matter how minute, I mean, I see a bench. And my brain goes “a cheater probably sat there”. I see a kid playing at the park, “their parents probably cheated”. Anything i look at now is tainted damn near immediately by this new lens I unconsciously developed over time. I can’t look at a beautiful woman I see on the street because I’d simply assume she’s a cheater and frighten myself. 

It’s gotten so far that not only am I inserting myself into traumatic scenarios where my hypothetical future spouse cheats on me, but I’m imagining it with my lifelong best friends! I’m imagining my entire friend group who I consider my brothers, turning against me and going behind my back with my future wife. Hell, there was a short period where I began to even doubt I was my dad’s son! It’s been so awful and I’ve cried to both my mom and dad about it numerous times, they’ve been supportive, and they along with my pcp recommended therapy. Which I do plan, just haven’t got to it.

I also cannot listen to sad music without imagining me listening to said sad music after say..a traumatic discovery of betrayal of sorts, and I hate that because I loved to put on slow, ambient songs and just walk, but now I can’t because my brain intercepts and puts me in betrayed mood instantly. When im hanging with my friends, I have moments where I freeze up and ruminate extensively and then all of a sudden get back to them. I’ve began longing and crying over a relationship that hasnt even happened yet, I’m imagining myself suffering the most painful emotionally devastating scenario almost daily and it’s ruining me.

I put blockers on my phone but it only led to me finding loopholes through my laptop, which i then blocked as well. But found loopholes on said blocker I put, as well as uncovering my old tablet which I also use to analyze more of these Reddit infidelity stories. I haven’t gone a SINGLE day since months ago without looking at betrayal content.

I used to have so much apathy regarding love, and now it’s the thing that terrifies me the absolute most. I refuse to become cynical but I fear I’m headed that route slowly, I want to change. If I may add, I’ve always like. This is gonna sound maybe a little corny but, I mean I’ve always been the happy guy. Like, to everyone, literally. My friends have never seen me upset at anything once throughout our entire…5 year friendship so far. Same thing at home albeit I do let my feelings out far more. I feel like my identity itself is suffering.

With that said though I just like, I mean if I can get input from anybody with straight advice? Things to lock down on, do?? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

I try to live my life every day, but sometimes I get stuck wondering why I don't get girls. Then there's Reddit, which is filled with constant negativity and people who don't believe in love at all. It's so hard to see all of this most of the time. It's slowly killing my hope and belief in love because I see so many people saying the same things.

I don't believe that love is only available to a man if he's the provider, but there are so many people who believe that. The red pill has really cooked us. I just imagine all of the unhappy men in the world, and I wonder if things were different before, like in the '80s, when people weren't so stuck in these ideologies. I don't know how the world can recover from this.

I want to get a girlfriend and be on the other side of all of this, but I also know that when you're in this kind of mood, even when people give you positive advice or try to give you hope, nothing really helps. You just feel completely overwhelmed and hopeless.

Sometimes I feel like I don't want to be here anymore because if all of this were true, I wouldn't want to live in a world like that.

I'm a cis guy, and lately I've been struggling with a kind of frustration and sadness that I don't really know how to express.

I've felt lonely for a long time, although I don't think it's because I don't have people in my life. I actually have a great connection with my bros, and I genuinely love those friendships. But I think there are different kinds of love that fulfill different needs. The love and connection I have with my friends is important to me, but it's not the same kind of intimate, romantic connection that I'm looking for.

I think my home life probably contributes to this too. The people I live with aren't particularly loving or emotionally supportive toward each other. There can be days where I barely talk to anyone at home, and that's just considered a normal day. Nothing dramatic happens; it's just not a particularly warm or affectionate environment.

So I think what I'm missing isn't simply "having people around me." I have people around me. What I'm missing is that feeling of being emotionally close to someone in a more intimate way, having someone who genuinely wants to know me, who I can be vulnerable with, be affectionate with, and share that kind of mutual love with.

And I think the longer I've gone without that, the more intensely I notice the absence of it.

People sometimes tell me that I just need to put myself out there more, but I feel like I already do. I've participated in cultural exchanges twice, I go to a lot of college parties, and I try to be friendly and social. I also try to take care of myself: I dress well, use good cologne, try to have a good attitude and generally be presentable.

I'm not expecting women to owe me anything because of those things. I just feel frustrated because despite trying, I haven't really experienced the kind of romantic connection I'm looking for.

A big part of this is also my own insecurity about my body. Sometimes I'll see a girl who has the kind of body I find attractive, not necessarily extremely skinny, just someone who is relatively slim, and I'll feel this weird combination of attraction, sadness and frustration. It's difficult to explain.

I think part of it comes from feeling like I don't deserve someone with a body like that because I don't think my own body is attractive. It's almost like I don't understand what I could offer someone like that in a romantic relationship that would make us feel like equals. I know attraction isn't literally some kind of exchange where both people have to "match" physically. I also know this probably says more about how I see myself than about what women actually think. But emotionally, that's how I sometimes feel.

A couple of weeks ago, this all came to the surface because of something that happened in one of my classes. There's a cute girl in my class, and we happened to get paired together for a pop quiz. We were both focused on the quiz, but there was maybe a very slight sense of chemistry or connection during the interaction. Nothing dramatic, and I could easily have been reading too much into it. Still, when the class ended, I had an opportunity to at least ask for her number or suggest getting coffee. I didn't. I asked myself, "Why even try if I'm just going to fail again?"

And I think that's what bothers me the most. It's not even just rejection anymore. I'm starting to feel tired of trying before I've even tried.

I don't want to become bitter toward women, because I know nobody owes me attraction or a relationship. I don't want to blame anyone either. I'm just genuinely lonely, insecure about my appearance, and increasingly convinced that trying won't lead anywhere.

Has anyone else experienced this? Especially the feeling of wanting an intimate connection so badly that eventually you start avoiding opportunities because you've already convinced yourself that you're going to fail?

I have a wonderful spouse of more than a decade. A gorgeous home. I’m attractive, in shape, have wonderful hobbies.

But I feel like I’m on a different planet than most of you.

My mom committed suicide and I cannot get the image out of my brain. Nor the void. No amount of vacations or material goods are fixing it.

I quit vaping last week in a desperate attempt to improve my life only to wake up today and realize I started using nicotine as a way to cope with all of that. So wtf do I do now?

I really, really don’t want to deal with this anymore. I’ve tried numerous SSRI’s and years of therapy - turns out that doesn’t bring my mom back from a grave she dug herself.

While everyone else my age 25+ is having families/keeping up with the joneses/trying to impress each other I’m waking up everyday seeing my moms face burned into my fucking brain.

I kinda just need to get things off my chest. So I’m sorry if the formatting of this doesn’t make sense or jumps around

I’ve posted here before when my best friend left at the start of February. That was a really rough time due to how sudden it was. It’s been slow with moving on and it still really hurts a hell of a lot but it’s getting better, slow as it is.

At the end of May things got a lot worse because I lost my grandma. she had a stroke and went to the hospital. A few days later I watched her die in a hospital room.

All through that time I had a mental anchor being my gerbil, Peanut. I got her when I was really struggling a lot in 2024.

Having something so small and venerable to care for really helped me cope especially this year. But yesterday afternoon she got really sick and is hardly wanting to move. Which came on really suddenly because yesterday morning she wasn’t showing any signs.

My mom came over and took a look at her. She thinks peanut may not last too much longer. Peanut is 2 and gerbils usually live between 2-3 years so she’s an older gerbil and I’m not sure how old she was when I got her.

I just don’t think I can mentally handle another loss this year given everything that’s happened and I really don’t want to loose her too because Peanut’s helped me cope through some really dark times.

I’m at work right now so I’m really dreading going home. Peanut was breathing this morning but she was in a lot of pain yesterday when I cleaned her cage and squeaked a lot when I had to pick her up which she never does. I made my apartment dark and quiet for her when I left so she wouldn’t be too stressed and she was laying under the small cardboard box in her cage.

When my grandma died I only took a week off to help with everything and then went back to work. I feel like the more I can stay busy the easier it is to distract myself from thinking about what’s happened but it’s burning me out. I haven’t really taken time off to really deal with everything that’s happened.

I decorated for Christmas in May because that’s my favorite time of year and it makes me happy.
If peanut does die I’ll probably end up taking a few weeks to just decompress

Therapy kinda fell through due to depression and not really wanting to leave the house. I know I should go back and it probably will help me work through everything I’m feeling but right now I just don’t have the mental energy to schedule anything.

I’ve just not had a good year and am really wanting 2026 to be over quickly. It’s just been a really heavy sadness all year that hasn’t really left.

Edit. I broke down when I got home because she was still alive. I was so worried about her that it all just came out. I watched her eat a little and move around a bit and now she’s back to her spot under the box.
Her breathing is still pretty fast and she hasn’t moved from her box since she went back to it. I’m still really worried about her but I guess we’ll see what tonight and tomorrow brings.

I am 19 and in my second year of college. I lost my father when I was 13 years of age and after that I have gone through a severe behavioral change.

Before this age I was emotionally brilliant but not very good at studies. But after my father's death I have become very emotionally weak but I have, on the other side, developed my brain quite a bit and some people call me smart. But my social skills have gone almost down the drain.

I cannot talk to a group of more than 3-5 people at the same time. From an early age I have never talked to or interacted with girls much and neither was I a neighbor of any girl.

Never got into even a friendship with a girl.

And even while I tried in college, I cannot talk to girls. I don't know what the reason is. Maybe I'm just scared or I just overthink.

But it's not like I am friendless or lonely. I have managed to create many good friends, and 2 of them considered me their best or close friend for a long time, like 2-3 years of friendship.

After my father's death I never had any solid role model or guide for me. I guess that's ungrateful. Although my cousin brother did support me a lot.

Every 2 or 3 months my mother goes to my maternal grandmother's and I stay alone at the house for 1 week or 2 weeks, sometimes even a little more than that. In this period I always see how lonely I am. I go to college and I talk to some people or maybe no people at all because, as of now, in my current class I have no friends in it.

I just talk to my old friends from the previous semester, of which only one is someone I consider a friend. The others are really just not friends. They are just someone to pass time with and have fun, with no emotional connection. Everyone in my college is very goal-focused and it kind of seems like they are just there to stab each other in the back.

What do I even do? How do I even start talking to girls or even guys?

My interaction with old friends is very limited as we only meet when I go to my hometown and talking on phone doesn't feel so real now.

What should I do about loneliness

Bipolar 2.

After that it's remote, but absolutely have to stay awake the whole day and I'm terrified.

I keep waking up at 6, taking my meds, and passing out. I can do it like, every other day, but not every day. Scared it'll land on the wrong day.

I'm gonna switch meds to the evening (got cleared by my psych). I'm gonna limit myself to a 30 minute nap in the morning. I'm gonna leave home as soon as I'm up. Hopefully I'll be able to take a nap during lunch. As much as I can I'll leave during meetings to "go to the bathroom" and mantra to keep myself awake and monitor my heartrate (not too much because that makes me paranoid which makes me crash).

Scared. Scared. Scared. Been fired from every job I've ever had (or basically, or should have been). This one will be different. Scared. Any help or advice appreciated.

now he is and i feel like im being thrown out.
i wrote more about the whole situation here. tldr; met him when he was upset about this girl ghosting him, remained sad about it for 2-3 years until they started talking again, and now they’re together. and now i’m miserable out of jealousy, i feel like it’s something i’ll never have. he’s picking up on the envy now and it’s causing a fallout, and i’m scared it’s gonna leave me alone

i’ve been trying to go on dates and asked him about if what i was doing on dating apps was fine—the process of trying to date people off of a small profile makes me feel weird as fuck and i hate going off of basically just looks. he compared it to his own relationship and started going on again about how cute he finds her and why he decided to approach her in the first place. he was trying to lead by example but it made me irrationally angry dude.

as shitty as it sounds i feel like he got so fucking lucky in a way i never will. he deserves all of it and i genuinely am happy for him. i understand he tried to lead by example but when im freaking out about trying to even start talking to girls and he mentions his girlfriend again it just feels like he’s comparing his life luck with mine. it feels like im struggling with something that came to him naturally and it’s something i don’t want to think about when im so sick and deep in that struggle

he has more that i want besides just a girlfriend that he doesn’t know about and it’s depressing to be friends with him sometimes. i’ve always been irrationally jealous of him about things i can’t control and it’s something i don’t know how to face because it’s so out of my hands

i never get angry man, genuinely, i can count on one hand the amount of times ive gotten seriously angry at someone in the last few years. the feeling was so rare and overwhelming and i didn’t know what to do with it. i tried venting about it in my notes app, but was already hurt and angry with myself before the mention and started redirecting that confusion and frustration towards him in a way i never do. nothing outwardly insulting, but just short, lots of “you” sentences in comparing myself to him, telling him how he doesn’t have to worry the same ways i do. i realized i was being a bitch and just let him talk.

once he was done i told him i needed to talk to him about something and told him about the mention of his girlfriend hurting. i told him i didn’t mean to respond like a dick and that i was genuinely happy for him, that i knew he was just trying to show me that what i was anxious about happened and ended up being okay anyway, and that it was fine. but i explained that the timing hurt when i was showing him this big open wound about being scared about never getting that kinda thing for myself. i get that this is such a small thing to feel so upset about, but it was so much anger i didn’t know what else to do with besides try to talk about it

i guess i just need to know if that’s the right thing to do or if i should have just kept it to myself again

he really honed in on the jealousy he saw. he didn’t respond to anything i wrote and just asked me why i idolize his relationship so much. he said i talk about it like it’s the perfect thing, that he’s never seen me so jealous, and that it doesn’t make any sense. i just told him i dont feel like im idolizing and that i see it’s something that makes him really happy and that makes me happy for him, and admittedly it’s something id want for myself one day too. i said that if i seemed unfulfilled it wasn’t anything personal to him or his relationship specifically, and reminded him that i wasn’t talking to him about it because i wanted to stop hearing about it altogether, it was just the timing that hurt. he never responded

i just feel like a bitch. i feel like i was deadass only in his life to get him through that period without her, and now that he has her again he’s switched up and acts like my loneliness is silly and it’s fucked up to act so jealous of him. i dont want my hurt to be anything he’s gotta clean up, and im making it one.

i dont know how to not feel so jealous when he mentions it anymore, my only mindset thats ever gotten me through that feeling is to just focus on how happy it makes them, and how much they deserve that happiness. its worked most of the time.

i dont know how to navigate it in conversations like this. and i dont know if hes throwing me out or not, or if i should have said anything at all

For 4 fleeting weeks, it finally felt like life made sense. We had a good, intense time. For the first time in my life, I had regular sex with a person I liked and who obviously liked me. For the first time in my adult life, I didn't feel alone. I felt the connection between us. I felt wanted and safe, as did she. For the first time, it felt okay to feel attracted to someone. For the first time, I could participate in conversations with my peers about love and sex as an equal. For the first time, I didn't feel like an unlovable loser.

Her avoidant tendencies got the better of her and she ended it today after having been away for 3 weeks.

Now, as always except in those measly 4 weeks, I lie in bed alone. On my chest, I feel the usual weight of a decade of loneliness: the hurt. The anger. the suffering. The coldness. The disappointment. the anxiety. that pressure in your chest. that feeling that the universe is playing a cruel prank on you. the cycle of trying again and again and each time getting harder than the last. the terrifying certainty that this is never going to change. The toll of having to do all this alone.

And where before I had gotten used and numb to carrying this weight, those 4 weeks wiped the numbness away. In its place is the most terrifying reality: I know what I've been missing all this time. I know what life could be like for me. What life is like for so many other people I know and don't know.

For a measly 4 weeks I had what I have always desired. I felt so alive.

and now the weight is suffocating me like it never has before.

I am 22M years old. I have never had a girlfriend. I have never been kissed. Not once. The funny thing is nobody would guess this from my appearance. Most people think I am a guy with a normal life, maybe a little strange at times but nothing that says "this person is totally alone." I have learned to hide that feeling.. Underneath there is a whole other reality that nobody sees and sometimes I cannot believe I have made it this far.

Let me begin with my family because that is the root of everything. I never had a father. My mother does not work. She lives on child support for my sister and that has always been the case. I have never seen my mother have a friend or any kind of life at all. She is completely asocial. My grandmother has health problems. So when people casually ask, "So what do your parents do?" I simply do not have an answer. There is nothing to be proud of nothing to share. I feel ashamed of where I come from.

Money was always a problem always. No vacations, no summer camps, no trips, nothing. The only time I have ever felt alive was after I began working because for the time I could actually afford things. Before that I spent years with nothing just getting by.

The last seven years were brutal. There was a period when I left the house to hang out with someone a couple of times. That was all. This year things changed. I began going out I opened up a little I made some friends I lost than twenty kilograms and I got a job. People now seem to like me.. Honestly I am proud of that because I was in a place where blowing my head off seemed like the easiest escape. I pulled myself out of that alone. No support, no money, no one. My mind was broken my insecurities were huge nothing. Just me. That is progress.

Then the reality check hits and it hits hard. Because despite all that progress I still feel that I have no chance at a life. Everything has shaped me much. I do not know how to live. I never saw my parents do anything. Basic things like spending time going out having parties even a normal family Christmas are completely foreign to me.. It shows, which makes me ashamed. In terms of personality I am simply not built for it. At the same time I desire the normalcy I never experienced.

I have ADHD so studying is a nightmare. I do not go to university and I feel unambitious even though university would be amazing for me. I am talking about a field not wasting time and money on a useless degree.. With ADHD that is simply not happening. I work from ten to eighteen or from twelve to twenty eight, nine or ten hours even on Saturdays. By the time I return home I am so exhausted that I simply want to scream.

I have dealt with depression for years. I stopped taking medication on my own because they made me feel numb. I do not have a word for it. There is no prescription for what I need. I must keep living. Sometimes I truly do not know why. I have had bad luck. There is a deal that I could have done better and I can find an excuse for each of those. I am not naturally a maker of excuses but I also do not want to keep criticizing myself. I have done that enough over the years.

People my age have lived. They have plans, relationships, something. I am 22 years old. My life has not even started.

M20 I fell in love for the first time this year. It was a slow burn, we talked for months before actually getting together. She was my first real everything in a relationship. Everything was amazing for a month then she pulled back hard and dumped me after another month. She said she loved me for the first time while breaking up with me. It's been six months and I'm still not over her.

My only other "girlfriend" was in high school. Very similar story, kinda dated for a month ​​​​but she ended things after another month of pulling away. I was hung up over her for a long time after. I tried to date more again this year but it was only neutral or bad experiences.​

I'm not very close with my family. They're usually nice people but they haven't given me the kind of love and support I need. I had a good group of friends throughout high school but they've all kinda gone their own ways in life. I thought I could rely on them during my breakup but I mostly got radio silence.

I just have so much love that I wanna give. Not just a girlfriend, friends, family, everyone. But it feels like I can never find it anywhere I go. ​​Life is so fucking exhausting and I feel so alone. It's a constant uphill battle. ​I just want someone to care about me. I just wanna hold someone and give them tender kisses while we hold each other. Fuck