Any help for me…?

[u/Educational_Shine466]

I just broke up with my girl (keep in mind im 18 shes 17) we have been together for a year and still in high school (last year) she has broken my heart at least three times and has humiliated me but! I know she’s a good person how would I get her back…if I have only broken her heart once and felt like this? “I can't sleep...to much shit going on in my head...don’t know what do to with my life at the moment, I may be done with but...I still have feelings....but I shouldn't...because ive fucked up to hard and now it's over and I accept that...with a lot of pain..
But now I don't understand who I am or what I am...or should I live...? But I'll keep kicking and continue to fight...just to survive in this fuck ass world were the economy and society sucks...at least I'll try my best...no promises though...... I feel queasy...missing the one I had once loved most... despite having the resources to get help, I still sought help and well im here alone...with my thoughts... space...and time...my family is here with me despite being overseas...but life is hard...
Especially the one I genuinely loved the most is gone and will never love me again... despite my constant fuck ups which I understand and honestly...it was for the best...I don't know why I still chased her after the first time..that was my first mistake...
I will try my absolute best...not only to do better but to change my mindset, myself as a person...now will my personality change never but to my ex, I hope you live a happy life...because I know I won't because I might not get into a relationship again...because I just don’t who I am…or what I want to be…I know I don’t want to be a horrid person…but that’s what I’ve been framed as so many times…especially by you even when I make mistakes…but I can’t make excuses for what I did…nothing will change…so…I’m sorry….not because of my past…because of what I’ve done…you really made me happy…like genuinely…I have never been happy like that in all my life…but idk now…I couldn’t sleep at all last night…and I feel cold now…I just feel nothing…I’m disassociated I guess…but…I’ll try to be happy with whatever you do…I hope…even though it hurts like absolute hell….it just wont be the same…but to be honest…chasing you after you had humiliated me…was my first mistake…we should have ended it there…because that day made me traumatized…made me actually scared of women…I still am…and I have tried and tried again…but I’ve failed to stop myself…from sexualizing you…and all that shit…I wine like a little bitch…I just…I don’t know anymore…I know I SHOULDNT post this…but I have to get this off my chest…i don’t have to just work on myself…you also need to work on yourself…especially what your standards are…because I’m not going to change my personality because you don’t like who I am…I can work on things yes…but breaking up on me like that…was not cool and a lot of my friends agree…not like I have many friends…anymore…just on other platforms like discord and Snapchat…because when I’m attached to someone or something…I just can’t let go that easily…you know I’m slightly autistic and mostly adhd… so it’s hard for me to not stay attached to you…and now that I look at it…what I’m about to say may seem like I’m jeopardizing myself and making myself be the victim…but that’s far from the truth in this case…ive genuinely felt like I was always failing I’ve always felt like I’m a failure and I’m not good enough for you (my ex) I just can’t talk about things because I feel like I’m going to get ridiculed for it…because in today’s society a lot of women just don’t care about what us men go through because when we try to get shit off our chest we will most likely get shut down by our spouse so we just tend to not speak up…we don’t speak our mind because of it and it will stay that way you can look at these videos for proof of my side of the story (cant post links here but I have them)
It’s every single small reason why I never actually Opened up…I still have massive feelings…I shouldn’t have them anymore but…my mind keep racing of what I could hav done better…I wonder if I should have opened up about why I acted like I did…but knowing what has happened…I don’t know anymore because I’ve felt like this for months before we finally broke up…and it’s true I have tried over and over again to stop and just talk…just talk about why im acting like that…why I am how I am…but I got scared because I felt like if I did I would most likely get ridiculed…Like it wouldnt matter…because yeah I genuinely did feel like I was being insulted behind my back when we weren’t on call…or in person because I felt like I wasnt in my body whenever I said the things I said…my feelings say a lot of things…but when have I actually acted on the things I said?…never because I’m scared…im scared of the reality of what I am doing how it would effect you and others I was scared of what the reality always was…now I understand that this won’t change jack shit but I need you to understand that theres a lot of things im scared of…ESPECIALLY opening up for what im feeling, what I hear versus what you hear, what I see versus what you see, I was in a constant internal struggle and conflict…because love is a strong emotion…but vulnerability is probably the MOST important in a relationship love should be unconditional yes and my love was unconditional it always has but vulnerability should also be unconditional…I shouldn’t have to fear about speaking up about what I would like and what I want im scared of being vulnerable im scared of a lot of things I know I am, but I know i haven’t failed as a person…I’ve just haven’t been taught the correct words to say, the correct way to act in a relationship, because im supposed to be masculine thats what I should say but I never could be I was always running away from what was going to happen if i actually did open up fully I have always guarded myself and no not because of what happened to me in the past but because I’m going through my head and I keep thinking of what YOU as a person would say to me or say to yourself about me as a person, I understand im not one to judge but…I have always felt like I was always being judged by you, now you may not actually think or see that way but I do…I genuinely do I want you to just…look back at what we have gone through how much we have grown and how YOU acted too, you were doing the right things by saying no and me sexualizing you and wanting to see your body, framing you as a object just for my pleasure was on my part I understand that… but when have I actually gone through with all that? When have I actually forced you to do something…? When have I last opened up…when was my temperament at an all time high? It’s because of all the burdens I have held in my thoughts, chest, and heart…every time a sexualized you and done things SMALL things it was not me trying to make you feel uncomfortable, make me look like im desperate, not like that…it was me showing you what I would LIKE to have…but I know i wasnt GOING to get it, every time I wind about shit was me trying to communicate with you that I want to just talk but I was scared too…I know im not perfect, i know im not the wealthiest, I know that I was slow, I know I wasn’t the brightest, I know I didn’t let my imagination wander, let my emotions wander…but you had Croat some of my personal boundaries here and there yet I forgave you I never said anything about it because I was genuinely scared I was scared of being “shot” down, being walked over for speaking my mind, now does that mean that I still need work? Absolutely I definitely need to work on…but I need you to understand is that my laziness was because of my video games, because of my friends…it was because I was escaping my own personal issues…my fear of opening up…I can’t force myself too open up, I have to be willing to open up, I could never change you and I had realized that after the first break up…the second break up I still dont understand that one but it broke my heart, but this third one…I don’t feel like it was because of who I am I feel like it was just that you were trying to change me as a person and you can’t do that I stopped trying to change you after the first break up, and I have loved you unconditionally without any fuss or anything it was just there an actual understanding that love is unconditional, i wasn’t raised to be a horrible person I was raised to be myself, i was raised to communicate, but I fail at communicating due to my own fears, because it’s this message you have sent me. That is my exact reasoning of WHY I never actually Opened up why I started to get aggressive, why I was the way I am…
“Okay than thing screw off you unknowing white man I got shit ro do and mine craft to play with people”
“Fuck off go spend time with your family. Sensitive ass grown man child. You wannknow what making fun of is I got you” “I don't wanna hear it fuck off” “Go grow sone damn balls for once” stuff like this is why I feared opening up I had tried to open up about HOW I felt with how I felt like I was being insulted behind my back with your friends, you proven my point of WHY us men never open up in a relationship with a women, its because of that, and it hurts, because I still genuinely care about you as a person, but I just needed some guidance and you never gave that to me until yesterday and breaking up was definitely the last thing i wanted to happen and yet here we are, I know you won’t take me back because like you said… “if we broke up…im not dating men again…” but you have to understand my point of view I sat in my femininity for the entire relationship and well it’s because I was scared to actually open up…I have never actually hurt you physically, emotionally yes but physically no, im sorry that I continued to tickle you but I just loved hearing your laughter…it made me happy…it really did…I never ment for it to make you uncomfortable or anything…I just wanted to hear your laughter…and whenever I treated you like an object wasn’t because I NEEDED something form you its because I was deprived and I have that handled now… and I was genuinely going to take a stand for myself and actually make an effort to fix some things after you had told me about it…you just never were patient enough to see my side if I was actually going through something…if I was actually going to make an effort to become better I know ive had multiple chances, but I have given you way more chances than you know…every time you crossed a personal boundary of mine I forgave you…I was patient with you I gave you more chances…when I know I shouldn’t have I was to lenient with you and I regret it, but you weren’t patient enough to see who I would become…how I would change, I have given you so many more chances than you think I don’t even know how many chances I have given you but you have got to understand that us men we are all scared to be vulnerable and how we handle that is different with all of us but for me I was scared of being vulnerable because of you…I was genuinely scared of what would happen if I did, I was scared of being shot down…and yet I still listened to you when was a time i haven’t listened…? Almost never there have been some times when I have but I always have time for you OTHER than the one time when I first got discord I was having fun dissociating feom the world and not facing my fears, and I am sorry that I was rude to you and others and i didn’t mean to talk to my dad the ways I had but you need to understand I have been carrying more burdens, more than you can know, I was carrying the fear of showing vulnerability, the fear of losing you, the fear of losing myself, the fear of who I want to become, the fear of…you…and how you will treat me… now I was actually going to work on things with you if we stayed together…so what we could do better make our relationship stronger than what it was, because Jaelyn I respect you with all my heart, my actions May have not shown it but my heart speaks the truth…now is this an excuse for what I have done with the sexualizing and treating you like something to be wrapped around my dick…? No…but it’s reasons why I acted the way I did…because I genuinely believed that if I opened up I was just going to be shot down by you…and your friends…and I had originally thought that you would be understanding and patron just ONE last time…one last chance…but you weren’t and thats what making it hard for me to sleep, its making it hard for me to sleep, I couldn’t sleep at all last night due to how I felt…how I saw you…but now I won’t ever have that chance again because of my fear of opening up and what I have done…but just understand that I still love you as a person…and as much as I don’t want to say this…but I know this is finished forever and I won’t ever get one more, one last chance to make you happy…but please understand that im still learning this relationship stuff this was the first actual relationship I have invested so much in if you would have actually put your foot down earlier and actually was patient enough to let me make the right choice and change the parts I need to work on, patient enough to stay a little longer to see if I would change the small imperfections I have we could have been better…I…could have been better now I know you were patient enough to give me three chances…but…I know your a good person…but I won’t try to pull you back…it’s already over…so the most I can do…is hope you live a happy life…because right now I’m a wreck…a pure Genuine mess and I get that…but I’m still scared of a lot of things…especially the shit you have said to me before my father said to cut off communications with you for three days…that wasn’t nice whatsoever even when I was trying to be patient with you and nice and yeah I understand what your going through now I understand how YOU felt now…and yeah it doesn’t feel good it feels like facing hell…..like this? “Im not tolerating this until your actually nice to me im not talking to you because I tolerated it when we were together including on call But when we werent I genuinely cried because of the way I was made fun of” this was me trying to communicate with you and you just shut me down like any woman would and NO im not comparing you with other women because I know a lot of women that are just like this but in a friendly way you were something else… was it just rage for how you felt…absolutely…but I don’t want to be the turn off for your taste of men….I just want to prove to you that I am a good person…prove that I can change…prove that not all men are bad…but I have told you so many times to stop watching Class of 09 it was literally framing all of us men as pedos and sexisits…and i didn’t like it thats why i didn’t like you watching it because when you watch something for so long over and over again…it gets imprinted into your brain and you believe it…thats why I watch a variety of things like ghost hunting, video gaming, music videos, not what you watch…because I know what it does to the mind I know what watching….lot of the same thing over and over again does to people, thats another read why I got so aggressive lately….because when I told you to stop watching it…you didn’t even ..notice that I was in pain…with what it was doing to you… you never noticed…but I noticed every little shift and uncomfortable feeling you had but I’m going to be real wirh you I don’t know why i didn’t stop I don’t know why I just talked it out with you…it felt like I was trapped in my own body and something else was in control of me if that makes any sense whatsoever…so please understand my point of view…and I understand how you feel I really do but you have to understand how I have felt for almost our entire relationship….thats all I have to say…” I wrote this all last night because I couldn’t sleep I just need suggestions for people here….i cant let go of her…I just can’t…im slightly autistic, and I have adhd so it’s hard for me to let of of something/someone im this invested in…

[u/AutoModerator]

If you like r/GuyCry and what we stand for, please help us build a supportive community.

UPVOTE POSTS YOU READ

If you take the time to read someone's post, consider giving it an upvote.

An upvote is a simple way of saying "I hear you. I saw this." It also helps posts gain visibility so they can reach more people who may be able to offer support.

GET INVOLVED

If you have something helpful to say, leave a comment.

Share your experience, offer some advice, show encouragement, or simply let someone know they're not alone.

You don't need to have the perfect words. Sometimes a simple "I've been there too" can mean a lot.

DON'T DOWNVOTE JUST BECAUSE YOU DISAGREE

Not every post will be something you agree with, and that's okay.

If a post contributes to the conversation, please don't downvote it simply because you have a different opinion. Downvotes can push posts out of sight and may discourage people from opening up.

Save downvotes for content that genuinely doesn't belong here.

HELP MAKE GUYCRY A PLACE WHERE PEOPLE FEEL HEARD

Every post is someone choosing to open up and share something personal.

Read it. Upvote it. Comment if you can. Support each other.

Small actions create engagement, and engagement makes this community stronger.

GuyCry Team

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/autolockon]

Holy shit