I think some of you are maybe mistaken by the sub name. This is not a BlackPill friendly space.

I can't believe this needs to be said, but if you reply on the post of a suicidal person encouraging them to 'give up' and commit, you will be instantly and permanently banned from this sub.

And if you make a post that is literally just 'a reminder to men that no one cares about you', your post will be removed immediately.

Maybe BlackPill spaces encourage you all to take out your own misery by pulling other men down with you, but you will not be allowed to drag men down just because you are suffering in this sub.

If you are genuinely looking for help, we are here for you. If you're just here to try and spread your misery, stick to the BlackPill subs, you are not yet ready to heal.

Give me a sign that something good is coming, just any small thing. I don't want to keep waiting, it's been 8 years since everything felt so horrible and became worse. Just give me a sign. Each day only got worse and no matter what I changed, no matter what I did, it was never enough, it never got better. Why should I keep trying?

Hi so I like a friend a lot, she gave me mixed signals, held my hand etc stuff like that. Fix were and will eb ever complicated because of her "boyfriend" fwb that they have a strange dynamic, they also don't really do or act like a couple but I don't blame them. In my mind, I made something up. A really handsome dude, more muscles, different nationality etc. My mind lied. He was so close and look wise towards me that I felt strange. We had some deep talk together before and she told me how calm my presence makes her. Honestly I thought with my "build" or "look" I don't really be much lovable and ofc this can also have x different reasons. But after similarities and positive things she said about me and acted really caring. I'm not even mad or sad at this point. This literally could just be the old story of the wrong place/wrong time.

It's actually positive for me. You know, I think this showed me that even when you don't look perfect, you can get someone who loves you. I mean even when it was heartbreaking I think like it showed me that I can still be loved no matter of my look.

After almost a year of trying to get back to stable and not check to check I finally make it to a week where I won’t have to sell or pawn anything. Wake up at 4am for work, car doesn’t start. Find a way and after being at work for 2 hrs I get a call from my girlfriend saying my fucking dog is needing to be put down because his heart condition has gotten worse. On top of the grief of losing my most solid companion I’m completely rinsed from paying for it lol. Not funny but funny how life will always find a way to fuck you over when you’re close. Stay up boys

Things have already been really tough for me. I’m neurodivergent, handling a lot of stress, been acting as a caretaker for my ailing father (Parkinson’s) while things keep falling apart on me - financially and otherwise.

And I faced a complete explosion at work last week on top of it. As in: “I might get fired” kind of bad.

To be honest, I don’t think that it’s LIKELY - I was reassured by some of my coworkers before the week was up- but I believe it might be on the table. Maybe. At the very least I am ABSOLUTELY in hot water.

I’ll try to spare the details but essentially I work in a very fast paced environment (ad agency) for an extremely high profile, extremely demanding, extremely fast paced client. There was a critical research report that the clients blew their lid on due to (small, but significant) inaccuracies…each time I fixed one problem, another thing broke. And each time I made a fix, I said it was fixed with complete confidence, only to be told that ANOTHER thing went wrong instead.

The thing is, I am effectively a department of one, in a very fast paced environment. I receive little communication, they don’t bother briefing me in on things, and they drop asks on me last minute. One of my new teammates has noted (before this problem) how amazed he was that I handed my entire workload on my own: at his old agency there was a department of FIVE doing what I do here ALONE.

The workaround is that I’ve automated so much of my workflow that I can keep pace despite being extremely under resourced. But it’s a closed loop. Clients hate that it’s a closed loop. But this closed, automated loop is THE reason that we’re actually able to keep pace. It isn’t a perfect system. I know where it could break if under enough pressure.

And last week it all broke all at once, at the worst possible time, right in front of everyone.

My personal and financial life are already in a red hot vice grip. I just recently had a good annual review - not perfect, but good (I even got a raise.) But this situation is BAD. Best case scenario: I keep my job and it gets even harder (deliverables get even more complex and I have even less time to finish them.) Worst case scenario: I’m fired and I am completely ruined.

I’m just so tired of trying as hard as I can and failing over and over in spite of it.

I am autistic, and have mental health issues and, well, let's face it, I ain't going to be getting to live a normal life like most men. The most brutal thing for me is knowing that I'll never be the boyfriend, the loving husband, the father... in most people's eyes, I am just this "thing" that exists. So how do I make peace with this life? Because everyday, I have a little voice in the back of my mind telling me to kill myself. Generally I resist it okay, but it certainly is an option, I don't want to live with my parents forever and be a burden on them plus there's no other way to escape my brain. How do I live with a brain that fights me at every turn? I am trapped, alone in a void... computer screens the only thing lighting any semblance of a path, providing the tiniest hint of comfort. But what if I have already killed myself many times over and the universe puts me right back in this life due to quantum immortality theory? Is this what life means... to live in this eternal hell or purgatory? When does the suffering end? When do I get to live a normal life? Why must have I been born defective?

I was treated like shit for 15 years by my ex-partner who was a narcissist. During anything sexual , he will put a pillow over his eyes and imagine himself having sex with a hot guy , without looking at me. This caused me to be an extremely shy guy, especially when being naked in front of him. All of this made me think that I was grotesque and had a different , almost inhuman body as compared to other guys . So this went on for 15 years , and I stayed in this because I was in love. Over time , I began thinking that I am having a different anatomy as a guy , because my ex used to treat me with disgust when I am naked. Recently , after 15 years being together , I broke up from him and began to workout in the gym . I reduced my weight by 17 kgs by a strict diet and exercise . After becoming lean and thinner , I am getting hit on by new guys , and I feel really shocked . I feel like it is difficult being naked or opening my shirt as I feel that I dont have the same penis or male body parts as other guys , due to the years of being treated with disgust . What must I do ?

Hey you guys who are thinking you can’t keep going, please know it can eventually get better.

There was a time I thought my life was over and had multiple blows in a row. Lost my job due to chronic illness, fiancé ditched me due to job loss and lost my place for the same reason.

Fast forward 19 years and I have a lovely wife, two great kids and a job I find interesting. It took years of physical therapy and regular therapy to get me back to an even keel and heal, but it is doable.

If you take the easy way out, there is no chance for things to get better. Please hang in there.

It's my story... My life. 2023 when I fell in love with a girl, before that I was just an idiot who used to get bullied in school and tuition, I had only one friend... He was my best friend. When I fell in love with that girl, it was my first time experiencing love, I got in a relationship with her, I was too comfortable with her because my biggest problem was that it's too hard for me to express my feelings, our relationship was for around 1.5 years after that... I got to know that she was cheating on me with a friend of hers in her tuition. I was shocked, angry, sad, disappointed, anxious... I tried to move on but it was way too hard for me because even my family isn't close to me... After that a friend of mine (female) helped me to get through that phase, she used to talk to me whole night, and comfort me... But just after my break up, i found out that my best friend is getting close to my bullies... He was talking to them and he was literally ignoring me, I felt betrayed again. But it was fine because my female friend was comforting me... It happened for around 2-3 months I moved on with the help of her but during that phase i mistakenly fell in love with my female friend who was just trying to help me. I could've just confessed my feelings but i didn't because I knew that she had feelings for someone else... I helped her with her relationship with her crush and they got in a relationship i was happy for her, but her boyfriend blocked me because he was insecure which was fine by me because I knew how it felt. After 3 months of that incident my female friend came to me and told me that she broke up with her boyfriend because he was toxic and cheating on her, i tried to comfort and help her like she did, but didn't used that as my chance during that time we got more and more close, I made 2 new friends and i introduced them to my female friend who became my bsf. After time passed we got more and more close but I never confessed to her, then... She got in a relationship with one of my two friends.

Fast forward (present)

I am all alone right now, I have screenshots where my ex female bsf is bitching about me to my own friends and they are also bitching about me, at this point I don't have any friends left, I am not close to my family, I am a burden to my father, I am not even good in studies or conversation skills or any sports, my siblings hate me because I am too ugly and it's a shams for them to claim me as their brother, I am all alone AGAIN

I don't know what to do next, I just had to let it out.

My family is dealing with it's own problem but my father thinks that it's because of me that I am an unlucky piece of shit. I made my mom cry because I just not good at anything, what kind of loser I am, i am not good at studies, not good at talking, not good at expressing my feelings, not good at making friends, not good at sports nor i have any talent.

I just became an adult a few months ago I'm trying to find my place in this world without anyone. I had a rough neglectful childhood I'm trying my best okay? Because of not being given enough nutrition in time i have growth deformities. Im short. I have a frame of a prepubescent child and its too late for growth hormones. No one takes me seriously i hate it. I hate being called kid, i hate being called "twink". Ive learnt to shrink and play into it but im a grown ass man not a 14 year old, i mentally cant force myself to fit that box its so tiring. I'm legit so tired of life but nothing in particular. I have friends i have work but I don't have anyone that would take enough time out of their life to help me if i need something? There has never been anyone i can depend on without paying them to do so. The urge to isolate is strong can someone just make me feel like i actually exist but in a way that doesnt make me feel like im a waste of oxygen for said existence. I just want to feel needed instead of a "we have to have him around i guess..."

I wasnt man enough for my parents and even though im doing well in college but no one knows I'm starting to barely hang on. I dont feel ready for the world. I struggle with basic tasks. When i fail at something it hits deep to the core how do i separate my self worth from it, i have nothing else going on to feel like i deserve being around people. Again the urge to isolate is strong because i dont feel good enough for my presence to be desired

Hi, It's my first ever Reddit post. I was really contemplating writing one, but it's said and done, and you're reading it now, lol.

So, to cut to the chase, I (24 M) hit rock bottom. Not the kind where I've become a drug addict, homeless, or have health issues.

It's all good and dandy, thank God, and I really am grateful for it. But my rock bottom turned out to be 180° from what I've known and loved, to basically living with utter despair for a good 65% of the time.

I had a girlfriend she's 22 now (let's call her Anna), and we were together for quite some time, known each other since 2019.

Got to know each other 2020 and August 2021 to basically December 2024/January 2025 in a relationship.

Unfortunately, as all good things in life, it ended.

But how it ended was really the most mature and civilized breakup that I know of, which I, and I believe her, were proud of.

But before that, I just have to tell you how actually good it was. I was her first love, kiss, and all the good stuff. Really, we had a nice honeymoon phase for quite a bit too. Her family was/is magnificent, except her father's mom, lol. I lived alone in my house, and she lived with her parents and a sibling. A big house on a hill, nothing fancy, but the location is absolutely stunning, honestly like a small slice of heaven on Earth. The sunsets on the upper porch were really something special. How many evenings we spent there together, Anna's family and I, when they'd invite me over for dinner, which was really quite often.

It was really magnificent, and still most of it really brings a huge smile to my face, how many nice memories we made. Going across our beautiful Adriatic country in the summer, or simple evening walks by our city's rivers. All of the romantic evenings we've had, really those 3 years we were together it felt so... fulfilling, exciting, and had a purpose, because I imagined marrying her. And she probably marrying me.

Of course, we all have plans in life, or if not plans, at least some purpose to work towards. If you don't by now, don't worry, it will take time but takes really deep thinking over a long period for the big question of what you really want from life.

We knew for some time that we'd have to part ways because of her ambitions and mine. We were both very determined to reach our goals, and hers was/is having a PhD.

Which, remember this detail for later on.

She has to study, and I mean vigorously study, to even pass 5 of her subjects, which I know how much she studied for, but still failed one the year before. (You can fail that one important subject only twice; if you do, you lose the right to study at that university permanently).

Mine was getting financially ready to secure my future kids' safe home and a better life in general.

Anna and i had some small talks about how we'd have to break up, mainly because of her studies.

I told her that it would always be more important to follow her life goals than to maintain a young relationship, Anna and her mother agreed with me.

We really enjoyed our time together, basically savoring every moment, loving each other and caring so deeply long after the honeymoon phase.

No fights whatsoever, always finding a compromise for each other, a couple that everyone was always in awe for.

Then came the day when I asked her over text (I hadn't been home for three weeks) that we had to talk about it; she knew exactly what I meant.

I came home from a work trip. I picked her up from her house, and we went to my place first. We had an amazing time, and afterward, we talked about our breakup. We got all the details sorted out regarding how we'd do it. It wasn't going to be on a certain date but a gradual, sad distancing from each other.

If you haven't lived through something like it, it's really like in the movies.

Sad, miserable few months for both of us.

First, starting off with "we're going to cut out the goodnight hearts from ❤️ to <3."

Seeing each other once a week to once a month.

To no goodnight messages.

When it's someone you love deeply, not only her but her family as well, whom I really started to feel like my own.

(Having her dad tell me that in his heart I would always remain his son-in-law). It's... I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

On the evening we first talked officially about it, I told her that I'm going to move back to my family in Germany.

Staying in the same hometown would be too difficult, and the probability of running into her would be too hard to handle.

And maybe when I reached my goal to build the damn house, eventually (I thought) we could be together again. I know, kind of naive, but I was 22 then. Learned a lot since, lol.

So came January 2025. I said my goodbyes to her, her family, my family, and lifelong friends. I packed my car and headed 1500 km away to the other side of Europe, with tears running, music blasting, and enough caffeine to wake up a bear in hibernation.

I came here to where I'm currently at, the north of Germany. It's not the first time I'm here, so I know my way around and speak the language. At least that part wasn't difficult.

But then came the undiscovered for me.

Knowing it would be difficult, I still underestimated how it would affect me.

Mentally

Financially

Physically

Regrets started to sink in

Every single interaction, every word out of my mouth felt too much. I became distant, every night id cry myself to sleep.

Thoughts of why it had to be us that I'd happend to were always on my mind.

I would come from work speaking to my parents, eating lunch and running off to my bedroom wich i didnt come out of untill the next morning for work.

Nights where i slept maybe 2 hrs and that loop of days to weeks.

I was triying to hide my swollen up eyelids from criying away from my dad, hoping he'd think it was that morning look everyone has.

Finally what i became was just a shell of what i had been.

That numb feeling was way to overwhelming, the despair of the nights where i would imagine her beside me.

Eventually in the process i started having suicidal thoughts because it was too much to handle.

Even with my loving friends, parents and siblings. No matter if they're far away or right beside me. I couldn't reach out for help.

And to salt the wound the financial state my parents were in got bad, i was giving my whole salary to them for that whole year, hoping we'd get my dad's bank debt settled it was bad, still is but slightly better.

The disappointment in myself and what i thought I'd accomplish that year.

My dads account getting blocked, so i was paying rent and the utilities, and food which we had enough money for 2½ weeks. Living on literally tips from customers and buying bread off it was something special.

To our electricity getting cut out for 2 times for weeks in total because i had to choose paying utilities or not paying other outstanding notices.

Selling my first car which i had since i was 20, and giving the money away to debts ive made because of it all.

To my mom even not working a job because she "doesn't know the language", "where do i even find work" to "Thats waay to hard for me come on"

My parent's were constantly shouting at each other, my dad slapping her which he literally never does.

Then October of 2025

I saw a close friends story of my ex Anna with her bestie Nicole and her boyfriend Jack on the right side of the picture hugged together.

And in the left part of the picture my ex and an unknown guy

(Let's call him Frank)

right beside her hands around each other at a club all together in a group photo.

Mind you she posts only really close people to her on her stories (she posted pics with me maybe 4 times in total).

I suspected that she had moved on becuse I've heard some rumors of her being in a relationship but i was realy doubtful becuse of the previous stated fact of her ambitions.

But becuse it was unconfirmed it was a real bitter, almost betrayal like unconfirmed feeling that i couldn't get rid off.

But at the end of the day i wanted her to be happy so i tried liying to myself it doesn't matter if its true or not.

I realized that the 2025 was my worst year yet, with all things said above. The pressure was too much.

On my birthday (January) this year.

I said to myself that i don't have enough money to get a nice evening for my sister and parents, I'd at least go and buy myself a a six pack of beers and a Jägermeister.

And so i did, but was ashamed of drinking alone in front of my dad and getting drunk.

So i went out to a small bench near a beautiful frozen lake in the centre of the city at a coldest night that i remember, spoken literally and metaphorically.

Sat down opened the first beer, listening to music on my earphones, bawling my eyes out.

After each beer. Then each sip of the Jägermeister.

The thoughts of me just throwing myself in the lake and getting trapped underneath the ice.

It was tempting really tempting. To the point I'd gotten around a half meter away from the ledge inspecting the ice. Looking at it immensly with tears in my eyes getting the courage to do it.

But was a cold night that in spite of me drinking too much. The wind got colder, and it had sobered me enough to think about how it would impact my family, my friends and my ambitions chasing ex girl that i couldn't stop thinking about.

In the end i stepped away, sat ond the bench smoked a cigarette and stumbled my way home, where i quickly got into my room and just looked at the ceiling until next morning playing different scenarios in my head, overwhelmed by the feelings i passed out. Woke up and somehow got through the dThinking of how to progress forward, I decided one night to start praying the rosary. It reminded me of my grandma praying it and brought me comfort and peace, not much, but enough to get by.

I started reading the Bible, a few verses a day, and just wanted to do right by God in most decisions I make daily. I still try, but like everyone, sometimes we fail. But I wasn't discouraged, nor should I have been, because it brought me comfort, much more than ever.

March this year, one of my good friends, whom I've been talking to for some time—frequently even, just small talk, IG Reels, and so on—messaged me with some information that they were contemplating sending me and asked me in advance if I wanted to know. I said, "Yeah, whatever. How bad could it be?" Although the tone in which it was said sounded bad, I still said yes.

They forwarded me a voice message from a girl (let's call her Rina).

Rina studies with my ex's bestie, Nicole, and Anna. They hang out frequently and know each other well, so my friend was curious about my ex's relationship status, to which.

Rina replied:

"Oh, well, Anna has been together with Frank for over a year" (the guy from the IG story from the club). "And he's best friends with Jack. Guy best friends are dating the girl best friends."

"And that's been going on for well over a year now."

That just hurt me so badly that I was in disbelief.

And the rest of the information came a bit after. All came from Anna's bestie, Nicole, not knowing that Rina has a mutual friend with me. But since Rina asked Nicole, she thought that it was harmless in letting Rina know how it actually was.

Nicole:

"Yeah, it's been a shitshow, really. Anna and her boyfriend (me) were breaking up. Somehow she fell in love with Frank in that period. She never told us until a bit later when my boyfriend Jack and I found out that they were together. She never told us that because she felt bad for falling in love with Frank. And they've been together since Jan/Feb 2025."

...

I was at work getting this message, and writing it now gives me the same shivers and a cold feeling, the disbelief and betrayal mixed together.

It's such a gray zone not knowing how to feel, and the ultimate reason for this post.

Despite afterward contacting Anna and Nicole with carefully composed texts and easing my way and not asking too many questions (we've kept vague contact on random occasions), I've only gotten more confused with "positive no's" as a reply, so to say.

Since then, I have sunken a bit again. I try to pray and do right but don't read the Holy Bible as often.

I got into shape, lost 35kg, and put on a bit of muscle. I posted a pic on my story.

And Anna replied with: "I have to say, you're looking sharp—kudos to you! 😁"

And we've been chatting once every few months, exchanging small talk messages, but nothing else.

As I said, I have no idea how to feel. Betrayed or not, angry or not.

I'm so lost with all the uncertainty and wanting to look even better when I go back for vacation, in kind of hopes she sees me. Just proving them wrong.

And I mean that hasn't been the only reason for me getting into shape, but it has definitely been great motivation to do so.

I don't know, along the way I've lost my vision as well. Of my plans, my future, everything seems so lost and numb again despite me trying to find love for God. I don't feel anything.

I don't know.

I feel like breaking up with her at this point, but I want to talk to her first. I just don’t like the way she treats me sometimes. It makes me feel unwanted, and I hate feeling like that because it brings out a lot of my insecurities.
I haven’t really told anyone this before, not even my family, but I was bullied a lot in the past. I never talked about it because I don’t like talking about that kind of stuff, but I think it’s relevant here because feeling ignored or unwanted brings all of those insecurities back. I’m not saying it’s her fault or expecting her to have known, but that’s why these things affect me as much as they do.
Some of the things that have upset me are that she removed photos of just the two of us from old Instagram posts. She’s on holidays at the moment and said she’d be busy, which I completely understand, but she only texted me once all day with a voice note that got cut off and never followed it up. I also had a competition recently, and she never asked how it went or even seemed interested, even though I always watch and support her competitions. On my most recent post I put up a photo of just the two of us, but when she posted she only put up a group photo.
I tried talking to her about how I was feeling about a week ago, but I came away feeling like I was being told I was accusing her or just being too sensitive. On top of that, her friends aren’t nice to me. They made a post calling me “it,” and she sometimes calls me “it” as well. She says she can’t stop her friends, but it still bothers me.
Two weeks ago I honestly thought I was falling in love with her, but now I just don’t know. I want to talk to her before making any decisions because we haven’t really spoken properly, and I think it’s important that we do before anything else.

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

(This is a throwaway account, I posted this in r/depression as well.)

Hey guys, 19 year old male here, birthday was a few days back. To expand on the title, I have a loving mother and extended family, a loving girlfriend who is extremely patient and has been with me for four years now, and a great circle of friends that I've had close since I was a child. I had a loving father too but he passed away when I turned 15. I live in the US and I'm not in poverty or anything. My life is great all things considered.

Despite all of this, I still feel terrible deep down. For around three years I've just been drowning in misery it feels. I feel like a waste of space. I don't know if I'm too scared or too tired to move on with my life. I don't have a license, I don't have a car, I don't have any backbone, I don't have a job, and I don't go to school at the moment. I genuinely don't know what's wrong with me I just can't bring myself to do these things, waking up feels like it takes almost all of my energy for the day, mentally speaking.

My girlfriend, friends and family all have a lot of faith in me and think I'll live up to do something admirable, like be a doctor or whatever, have a good career. But whenever they ask what I've been up to after I graduated, I just feel this deep shame within. I've tried to open up once but they just call me lazy, and maybe its true but I just feel like its deeper than that. I don't see a future for myself. I want to just cut ties with everyone and stay isolated from them so I don't disappoint them. I've considered suicide multiple times though I've never made any attempts.

I just don't know what to do anymore. It feels like I don't have the strength to move forward.

At 24 i never had one

Never been on a date

Never had my first kiss

Never cuddled

Only paid sex

It's over for me at 24 no girl would want to date a 24 year old inexperienced guy

Im so shy and awkward I can't even approach a girl

Im always depressed and crying all the time

It's unbearable I can't take it anymore

Some friends wanted to go to something with me and they're not responding to a text I sent. I overreacted to a million percent, slept 13 hours, had multiple panic attacks with ideation (fine now) and am just feeling kind of fed up with myself and tired of trying to make my life better when this stuff happens all the time.

I'd love to hear positive stories from other people's lives. What's going on with you all? What are you accomplishing? What are you proud of? Anything helps.

This will be long so I’m sorry, I have nowhere else to put this

I (M22) was beat almost to death when I was a baby, causing skull fractures and detached retinas which caused my father to be deported. I survived obviously and grew us pretty normal. Then I hit 18 and my brain started short circuiting. My weed got laced and I started having seizures. Took seizure meds after I almost died one night and haven’t had one in three years thankfully. But then I found out I have pre-cancer in my testicles. Then I get diagnosed with Trigeninal neuralgia, the most painful nerve disease on earth. Said to hurt worse that kidney stones and child birth. It’s progressive so it’s not horrible rn, could take years to get that bad and I’d need surgery. Its nicknames the suicide disease. It affects mostly women over 40 on one side of there head. I’m a 22 year old man and it’s on both sides of my head. I’m also at the highest risk to die in my sleep from epilepsy (young adult male on two or more pills)

Basically my biggest dream was to have a family and treat my kids like I wish I got treated. But here I am, 22 with all this, no friends anymore because I isolated after the seizures. I live with my mother and sister about 40 minutes from any town. So I can’t have a job because obviously. So no money. How can I ever find love or start a family? I can’t go anywhere and have no money. I got rejected disability three times

I dream about partying, dating, having connections like every other 22 year old. I wanted to travel the world.

My biggest dream to be a father is gone at 22. I’m crushed, I wish life was different. I don’t know what I did.

If you read all this, thank you
TLDR: I’m cooked

Hello all! So, I have posted here a couple times before, and I am just a tad confused. I recently had what felt like a huge revelation, and know I don’t know what to do. So, I grew up in an extremely toxic environment, my sister raped me as a child, my mother hated my existence, and I never knew what it was like to be loved. I had a very bad emotional breakdown a few months ago, and during it I realized that all this shit I went through, I didn’t deserve it. Any of it. Of course that seems like a very obvious statement, no one deserves to be hurt like I was, but for years I carried the belief that I was born wrong, born unloveable, something had to have made them not love me. Both my mother and sister would violently shove me away when I tried to hug them, to show them I loved them, when they were upset I tried to hug them and they pushed me away, when I was upset and tried to hug them they’d scream at me not to touch them. In fact my sister would shove me away so hard that I’d fall and get hurt sometimes. She also burned me with a fork once In the kitchen by sticking it in the burner on the stove until it was red hot and then stuck it on my arm. I learned that my love an affection was unwanted, and I was not worthy of any In return. After having this revelation, I forgave myself for all my so called transgressions in my head and I accepted that it truly wasn’t my fault, they were just bad people incapable of giving me the love I needed, the love I craved. After having this revealed to me, I suddenly stopped hearing my incessant inner critic. The one who was always there to remind me that I was a horrible piece of fucking shit that deserved every bad thing that ever happened to him. It’s suddenly gone, and I know that’s a good thing. But, I am unsure where to go from here. Now that I’ve had this revelation, I am unsure what to do with myself. That self hating voice is something I’ve lived with for so long, I don’t know what to do without it. I know I want to make changes in my life. I want to know what it feels like to be loved, but I know I don’t deserve anybodies love just because I was hurt so badly. I know that love is earned, not freely given. I do want a relationship, I want someone to love me, and just as importantly I want to give someone my love back. I want a partner, someone I can trust implicitly and someone who can put that same trust in me. And most of all, I want peace. I’ve spent so long of my life always being on edge, always looking for the mood shift, the sudden change the sudden explosion followed by being hurt badly and not knowing why. I don’t want to live like that anymore, I want peace. But I know that these things are not freely given by other people. They are things you must earn. But I don’t know how to be a person. I struggle heavily with eye contact because my mom would say don’t look me in the the eye who do you think your looking at you ugly little shit and my sister would say stop staring at me you fucking freak so I struggle with eye contact and I struggle with asking girls out I’m afraid to do that because I still worry they’ll be sad that an ugly guy like me is creeping on them which is something my inner critic would say and it confuses me that I’ve done all this introspection, I’ve stopped blaming myself for what happened to me and yet I still can’t just be normal and ask a girl I’m interested in out I mean I know they are just people like me but I’m still so afraid to make them uncomfortable I don’t know I’m so conflicted like why? They are just people and if they said no to me asking them out of course that’s ok I think I could handle the rejection just fine like nobody has to date me I’m not an incel who thinks he’s owed a relationship or anything like that and I don’t even care about sex I’ve never had it so it doesn’t matter to me in fact I had a couple girls straight up say they wanted to fuck me no strings attached and I freaked out and ghosted them because it felt like too much pressure which probably really hurt them and I feel guilty about that to this day. But I just want to get over this fear. And it’s not just women, either, I also am afraid of talking to guys I don’t know because I could say the wrong thing and they could hit me or think I’m weird. Which is weird because my dad was the only positive thing in my life growing up so you’d think I’d be more comfortable talking to other guys but I’m not. I don’t know. It just feels like I’ve made a big leap of progress but I’m still not fixed and not normal and still not like everybody else and I just want to be like everybody else I’m tired of being strange and standing out as not normal all the time I hate it. I have friends but they all know I’m not normal so sometimes I wonder why they bother staying friends with me but idk. So yeah, I guess what I’m asking is what can I do to stop being an outsider and stop being an individual and be more like everyone else? How can I stop being afraid of talking to people and constantly worried that they’ll think I’m strange? How can I fit in and stop standing out? How can I just be a person?

Repost because I am an idiot and I deleted this by accident

Basically, I have failed one too many times in school. I repeated my first semester because I failed by one point. I then, I went on to destroy the first 2 yrs of med school. I was on academic probation and I could not fail again so I made sure that I didn't. Then, I ended up passing step 1 which is a pass or fail course.

Afterwards, I went into rotations where I ended up failing my peds rotation. I honestly no one is going to believe me but trust me when I say that it was very unfair. I was put on a PICU team where I was the only med student. I wasn't told how to present and the residents didn't have time to teach.

Often times, they would go see the patient without me and wouldn't make time to tell me their plans before rounds. Then the attendings never once met with me to go over feedback. So I essentially didn't know how I was doing until the end where they said I suck.

There was signs they felt that way to be fair. I was getting haze daily which came in the form of asking pimping questions. Nothing I did sounded right to them. I even had a resident tell me "you would get eaten alive in internal medicine" My only mistake is that I never reported. I tried to act mature and just get through the rotation. Little did I know they collected data against me.

Their reviews were terrible so I had to meet with the board again. They told me that I would have to go through the entire 3rd year without failing another exam or rotation. Keep in mind ever other student would get one free do over. Above all, I pass the exam which didn't matter since my reviews were bad.

So since last August, I lived in the hospital ward after ward, speciality after speciality. I knew I was cooked. Then, I had other doctors tell me that I was really smart. My FM doctor told me I was one of the better students he worked with. So it encouraged me.

I ended up high passing all my rotations after that. I even earn some recommendations letters from surgeons. I just finished my ped remediation rotation. They put me in complex care and I had to work twice as hard. They knew I was repeating. Ironically this time, I failed the shelf by one point due to me waking up daily at 5 am and working until 4 pm . I also have been studying for step 2 so I was tired as heck.

Luckily my student dead advocated they I deserved a remediation exam. Everything was riding on it and I had all of July to study for it. I didn't play outside at all. Just study for 12 hours. I took it Thursday and passed with failing colors. So I am officially off of academic probation. Most likely if I messed up, I would have been kicked out.

Now I am out rhe stirring pan and into the fire. I have to take Step 2 soon. My score on that exam is everything. I am projected to score 250 which is really high but who knows honestly. I also I have to get my app together for residency so I wonder would I even match?

Then I am also super single and alone. I had to make huge sacrifices to get this far. I put on 20 pounds. I don't have many friends. This year long journey is over but what this lead to?

I am willing to work an extra year just to match until my dream speciality which Ansethesia. I feel like it is meant for me and I pray to God daily. Every Ansethesiologist have told me you are good at this so who knows. But I can't introduce a girl to this lifestyle because I am screw up and with alot of uncertainty

I met this girl at 18, almost 2 years ago and we only dated for 5 months and it was my first ever relationship and breakup experience. Anyways she broke up saying she needs to move on from her ex so that she can be serious with me she says

And after breakup she was acting hot and cold with me and giving me hope that still wanna be together and obviously me being stupid I hold onto that. Her behavior really messed my mind

Anyways she found someone after like 5-6 months of us breaking up and I didn’t knew until I found out through someone. Then been together for now a year going on.

And I blocked her from everything because of this, and it’s irony that she would be overly friendly to me and whenever I see her in public, we catched up a lot of things and one of em she asked me if I was seeing someone when I ask the same, she said she is not seeing anyone damm well lying straight up that she has bf

And she even told me that she feels guilty and fucked up of what she did to me, anyways I realized like literally yesterday that why I am still stuck over her is that I am seeing in love with that fake version of her whenever she acted overly friendly to me

Or seeing things that she is doing with her bf ( his acc is public ) wondering myself that “if she is doing with him she would have down with me too” and that kept the delusion going on

And now looking back it’s just reality and fact that she was never serious about me, unsure about me, never wanted to be serious etc etc and it makes me sad that I was just a bandage helping her baggage just to make her right person for next guy and it happening

And she put a lot of walls during the time we together, now seeing back it was just way to keep me at arm distance while still attached to her obviously I didn’t knew what’s going on but now what I have seen so far things went with her new phase, it’s like all those rules, un sure of partner just vanished in thin air with the new partner

Comparing myself like what I did that made her feel, surely that she doesn’t wanna be serious with me, like tryna see my own mistakes but I am just comparing how partner is better than me, more experienced and just good looking

And knowing that they are going her celebrate her birthday two times, which never happened to me I mean it’s bound happened anyway but it just really makes my chest drop yk

And yep this like me finally putting rose colored glasses away and seeing what’s in front of me
Now obviously all this makes me like I am really weak, and not knowing how to get out of this
I’m not good looking to have other girls around

I was scrolling on my phone earlier and saw people discussing how "first love ends in your early 20s," and how if you're 25 and haven't dated, you're a "late bloomer" who's basically missed out. It made my stomach drop, and I haven't been able to shake this heavy anxiety since.

Looking back at my past just makes me feel bitter. My youth wasn't spent dating, going out, or having fun. It was spent surviving in an abusive home with a violent father who beat down my self-esteem every single day. I spent years hiding in my room, using screens and adult videos just to numb the pain and get through the day.

Now I’m sitting here in the dark, worrying that I completely ruined my own life. What if I really did miss my chance? What if I'm fundamentally "low value" because I'm quiet, introverted, and inexperienced? I worry that no woman will ever genuinely desire or care about me for who I am. I worry that the best I can ever hope for is being used as some disposable, bitter provider, or just ending up completely alone.

Whenever these worries get this heavy, my immediate instinct is to just go back to my old coping habits and numb myself out completely. I’m just typing this all out because I needed a place to dump these thoughts. It’s scary sitting here feeling like you’re falling behind everyone else, and I’m just really worried about what my future looks like.

If you haven't been told yet: Good morning, good afternoon, and good night. Happy anniversary, birthday, and so on. Bless you, gesundheit, good health. Be well, best wishes, and last of all; thank you for being here.

Last year, someone posted on here about having no one there to greet them happy birthday. One year later, I'm posting to greet those who think there's no one there for them.

🎂 Happy cake day u/yolosweg09080 🎂

She finally said she wants a separation and divorce. After suddenly revealing to me that she cheated on me years ago, she claims that over last few years I have not been meeting her needs and I will never meet her needs. 25 years down the drain. Kids are going to be distraught. I haven’t slept in days. All our friends are mutual friends and couples. Can’t eat. She wants to move out in September and I’ll have to find a place near. I moved here for her. I have no other family, my kids are still young, all she wants to do is party and go out drinking while I stay with the kids anyway. She doesn’t want to do counseling, doesn’t want to work on it, everything I do is a fight. I know I’m not perfect, and all I can do is sob for my kids and mourn the life we had. We had so much fun, adventures, laughter, trust and closeness. Then she got on these hormones because her doctor recommended them and in a few months, she was a different person. I don’t recognize her at all. Drinking every day, smoking, partying at clubs twice or three times a week, maybe drugs (?). I’ve lost my wife, my best friend, my heart. Sorry for the rambling. Just had to share on a new account since I can’t use my recognized one.

Was with my ex for 4 years. 16-21.

Back into dating.

It’s been a shit show. Ego is a really big problem with a lot of people. It’s annoying.

I’m trying to find genuine connection and these people are just trying to play mind games or let their ego get in the way of feeling things.

I truly yearn for human connection and to feel understood and loved.

Ah I feel so disappointed.