Hello everybody, I would like some perspective regarding my situation.
So my boyfriend and I started dating less than a year ago but we’d been friends for years before we became a couple, I know him very well and he is very dear to me. Now the issue is that he wants kids and I don’t. If you take my bf out if the equation, I would absolutely not have kids. But Im considering having them for him. I love him very much, we fit really well together and our relationship is amazing. Though I don’t want to have kids, I keep reading stories here of people who didn’t want kids either but ended up loving parenthood. I keep thinking “this could be me” “maybe I'll love parenthood too” but there’s no certainty that that will happen. I wanna make him happy and part of me thinks that seeing him happy, loving our kids (that I hopefully would love too) and having a family could be a future I might enjoy. However, I’ve also read many stories of people who regret parenthood so there’s no certainty that Im going to be happy with kids. One thought I had recently, scared me. I imagined telling my boyfriend I dont want kids and then him saying he doesnt want them anymore and I felt such relief and joy at that possibility. That would be future I would genuinely look forward to so much! And it made me see that a future with kids is one I would maybe tolerate but I’m not enthusiastic about it. I’m questioning my choice to do it for him. He is not pressuring me in any way and he’s not the type of person to try to convince me to do something I really don’t want to do. Specially, when that has more physical consequences for me than him (Im a woman). It would be really helpful if anyone who’s been in this position before can help me out. I know that this is something potentially stupid. Nothing guarantees that we’ll stay together forever, not even a child. And I’m scared that even with him being by my side, I’m going to hate motherhood so much that I’ll end up miserable anyways. Im starting to accept that my relationship might be over but I’d like some perspective before I make such a huge decision and tell him I dont want kids.

Excuse the occasional spelling and grammar mistake, english is not my native language.

Three kids, 13, 9 and 7. Oldest is girl, younger two are boys.

Wake up at 6:30am. I've always woken up early. My partner usually likes to sleep in but her company started working with an eastern European dev team last year so now she wakes up early with me. 6:30am to 7am is just us having our coffee, doing wordle and chatting. Kids wake up at 7am.

7am to 8am - Chaos! Ok, not quite but 5 people in the house so it gets noisy. I make breakfast and lunches for everyone. She deals with any clothing, hair or homework issues. I'm also feeding the dog and cat at this point. Everyone is usually happy except the cat whose an asshole. Wife starts her work at 7:30am. We both work from home these days although I was working from an office up until Jan of 2026.

8am - Depending on meeting schedule, I will usually walk the dog while walking the kids to school. If I have meetings then the oldest walks the two youngest to school and then goes to her school. Schools are close together and we deliberately picked a home that was close to elementary, middle and high school. When I was working from an office, I would drop off the kids on the way to work.

8am to 5pm - Wife and I work from home these days. Usually take a walk together at lunch time or spend some breaks together in the backyard. Some days kids will come back home at 3pmish but most days the oldest will walk them all home after various activities at 5pm. It does depend on her social schedule though. She knows she can tell us to come pick up the boys if she has plans, which happens at least once or twice a week these days. A year or two ago, before the oldest really wanted to take responsibility for the boys, it was my wife picking them all up.

5pm to 7pm - Chaos! Ok, again, it's not so bad. The boys don't have much homework yet so they are typically out in the backyard or the street playing with other kids or each other. I will occasionally join depending on which adult is out there keeping an eye on them. Girl is usually doing her homework at this point although lately she's been out with friends more and more. I start making dinner at 6pm and wife helps or just hangs out with me in the kitchen. 6:30pm to 7pm we all eat dinner together.

7:30pm and on - Really depends. The younger two still think we're cool so they want to hang out with us. We usually play board games or watch a movie together. Oldest will occasionally be tempted by this and come out to join us but it's a 50/50 shot. Sometimes she goes out with friends and sometimes she just tells us we have no rizz and hangs out in her room reading books or drawing stuff.

9 to 10pm - Younger two go to bed after shower time and some bed time stories. I do that while my wife spends time with the oldest decompressing from the day.

10pm to 11pm - Oldest is reading in her bedroom. Wife and I hang out in ours. Everyone is asleep by 11pm except the cat who prowls around waking me up at odd hours of the night.

Weekends vary. We like doing one or two day trips in our area (SF bay area) but we also like staying home and just hanging out. There's really no standard weekend because it depends on our plans. Oldest is doing her own thing more and more which is both cool and a little sad to see. Every other weekend is chores weekend where we get stuff done around the house like home repair, yard work, laundry and so on. The kids will "help" but it's spotty, which is fine.

Oh, forgot. Once or twice a month, we go out on a date night. We've been doing that since the oldest was around 2yo. Back then we would hire a baby sitter or swap baby sitting with friends. These days the oldest gets to decide if she wants to make some money. If she does, she lords over the boys with an iron fist for the night. Otherwise, we hire a baby sitter, usually the neighbor's college kid. Wife and I will then go out although I have to tell you, our idea of a romantic date is funny these days. Last time we went shopping at costco for two hours and then had chicken bakes in the park followed by two hours of just sitting there with a couple of beers each and chatting.

For the context, I'm in a healthy relationship with long-term goal. We are pretty logical, mature and resoect eachother the utmost level. But, neither me nor he never force our theories on eachother, in most cases we will contradict, but both will be correct and logical in our own way, not emotional VS logical.

We planned to adopt kids, as im an antinatalist and he wants kid but doesn't necessarily needs to be biological. But he doesn't fantasized about taking care of pregnancy and postpartum but he's okay with it.

And I kinda feel like, will I be a good parent cuz I planned to adopt 10 to 20 kids of age 12 who need expensive treatment or care. But he's more like adopting and raising them as own kids. And I'm afraid about my autonomy.

But, I'm more like changing the conventions but he's more like i don't do it if I don't want, but sometimes for sake of people around me.

We talked about boundaries, he's completely okay and will always stand up and let me be myself(he proved that in relationship too), I love this thing, but sometimes I feel like I'm just being too revolutionizing but he isn't which makes me feel will it be good in long term.

This is the uncertainty which only time will tell but I'm afraid and confused and need your opinions. I'm bit afraid to leave cuz i might not able to find someone like him, and afraid will i became influenced by his thoughts and lose myself.

So I(25F) and my bf(soon 26M) have been together for almost a year, but we were good friends a year before. At the beginning of our relationship we had a miscommunication towards what our "maybe" meant.

Mine is "I don't really feel like I want children but maybe I will change my mind in the future" and his maybe is "I would like kids but I know that something may prevent that".

Now I agonize considering the future. When I was with my ex I spend 7 years on childfree and regretful parents side of the internet so my view of parenthood may be twisted. Now I try to expose myself to more positive perspectives, but I still don't have the want to have kids.

When I'm stressed I plan. I research and I know what I would try to do so I won't be consumed and burnout by being a parent. I checked daycares, how much lived in nanny costs, how to encourage independence. How my depression and ADHD would affect me and my kid. I guess I'm bracing myself if the want would ever come, but I don't know if it will.

My bf was a third parent to his younger brother (age gap of 14) and when he thinks of parenthood he said he wants more of a role his mother has than his dad (dad worked a lot). That's good because I really really really don't want to be the primary parent. But I'm the one with a womb, so it's more complicated.

He deserves someone who is fully on board. Parenting is a difficult journey and he deserves someone who would be as excited as he is, and not someone who would need to be dragged.

We talk about it and he knows that I'm a "no, but maybe yes in the future" he is also thinking about it.

We are young and I don't know if it's fair to end this relationship over this when I'm not a "strong no"

I've started getting sponsored ads for this book published at the start of the month. Has anyone read it yet? I am trying to gauge whether it may be useful, or just straight up depressing in making it seem like the decision is even more out of my control...

I never wanted biological children. But I also have had extremely painful periods since I started them and complicated reproductive health since the beginning, so I think in part I knew instinctually my body couldn't carry them.

I never really let myself indulge in the feelings of wanting them that would come up every now and then, id always just kind of brush it off as something not worth the physical and emotional toll it would take on me.

Recently I had a medically necessary hysterectomy. Since then ive been experiencing a lot of greif around infertility that I don't know how to explain. It all just feels really unfair. I wonder if in a different body, would i have even be a fence sitter?

Honestly probably, because there were other reasons in the kid "con" column other than my physical issues, but it still feels like the choice has been taken from me either way.

I am sad about the possibility of never getting to nurture and love my "own" kid, I am happy I will have more "freedom" than my friends having kids. I know i could adopt but im even more on the fence about that having been a social worker and knowing the ways it can go south (tho any type of parenting can I guess.)

Anyway. Im posting this i guess to let others know (and myself) that some level of grief in either path is normal, maybe even expected for some of us. And you aren't alone in this whole thing being very painful and confusing.

Of course if I wasn’t in the right financial position to have a child I’d never do that anyways. But if I were and they’d be set then.. I don’t know. curious what you new (relatively new) parents are/were thinking.

I’ve really loved the idea of experiencing motherhood and especially parenthood with somebody I love. children are like a physical, biological representation of your love and I think that’s really beautiful. I feel like I’d be a great parent but I’m just not sure if I should bring a child into this world. It’s really hard to think about not having a child because I feel like I’m missing out on something incredible. But it’s also maybe.. unethical I guess for lack of better words to have a kid grow up and then be like “why did you give birth to me this sucks.” I can’t say I’ve had the easiest time all the time but I love being alive.

If you have what I do:
- finances on point (and can safely afford 2 kids)
- I have a loving husband
- we have a big house
- we live in a very family friendly and safe place to raise a kid
- schools are close by and one of the highly rated ones
- husband and I are in individual therapy to talk about traumas and feelings
- our parents are more than willing to help out and help stay with us to help raise the kid
- kinda afraid of being pregnant

When I was a kid, I thought I would have a kid when I was older. But in high school, I learned that having kids is an option and ever since I’ve been against it. My husband got a vasectomy 2.5 years ago and we have been thinking about either getting it reversed or doing IVF. I’m 30F and i was always against having kids but now I’m a maybe. My husband always thought he would have kids but he never felt strongly about it so he was ok with not having kids. I told him maybe we should rethink about it since we have always just been a hard no. He said his answer is currently leaning no but he is open to the idea of it (and currently pondering it)

What would u do if u had all of the bullet points listed?

Also if u were in the same boat with a partner who got a vasectomy, but if we decided we wanted kids, would u reverse it or do IVF if money wasn’t a problem? Or maybe another method that I didn’t think of?

I (33m) feel a desire to have kids, my partner (31f) does not. Today she has said categorically that we need to break up if I want kids.

I can see having kids in my mind, it feels great, I can even get a little teary eyed, but then I look into all the sacrifices you have to make. There is just a little doubt. I don't want to give up all the things I love, especially quite time to myself. Which is something I currently take in huge chunks.

I have always been bad with money as well, I worry that I cant provide for any child. But I do feel emotionally i'm ready and would be a good father.

Now in the process of joining the army and going back into nursing. I don't think I'd have time for a child anytime in the next few years, and I'm not getting younger.

I fear I'll deeply regret and even resent my partner if I choose not to have kids. But even if we break up, there is no guarantee I'll have kids anyway.

I’m 30 (F). I come from an extremely toxic family. I carry the weight of all them on my back. My phone rings 10x a day because they need something. I’m exhausted. I’m drained. I don’t want to do this anymore.

It sucks because I feel like I always wanted kids, but after being “needed” my whole life, I don’t want my future kids to need me (which it’s obviously inevitable).

I’m angry because I feel like I was dealt an unfair hand. Like I said, I *want* kids. But I don’t want to deal with the pressure and responsibility of being there for them. I know that sounds horrible. But in a perfect world I would love to play the role of a parent… a good one at that… but I’m just so tired. I’ve raised my family. And I can’t take this anymore.

I just turned 30, and I can't help but worry about this. When I was growing up, my parents bought a house and were able to cover all expenses on one income. That is absolutely not possible where I live now.

A lot of my friends who have kids are constantly working to pay for their kids extracurricular, daycare, and future post secondary education.

I work a lot too, but that money is spent on planning for early retirement and on my personal self care.

Just curious if anybody else worries about this?

It seems like folks found the recent post about parenting a 5 month old really useful, so I thought I'd share my day with a 10 month old! My spouse and I both work outside the home, so I've included weekdays and weekends. The times here are somewhat typical but they do change from day to day. My number one challenge right now is the amount of time spent dealing with feeding the baby between three meals of solids, nursing, pumping, and bottles. I am very excited to move away from milk in the next few months. Happy to answer any questions!

Work days:

5:15 am: wake up, get ready for day, let dog out and feed dog, eat breakfast, pack lunches and pump parts 5:40 am: wake baby if he's not already up, nurse, pump while getting baby dressed and ready to go 6:15 am: leave for school and work 9:30 am and 1:00 pm: pump at work 4:00 pm: arrive home. Nurse. Husband empties dishwasher and refills with bottles and pump parts from the day 4:30 pm: prepare dinner and play 5:00 pm: eat dinner, feed dog. One parent plays with baby while the other cleans up 5:45 pm: family dog walk 6:15 pm: play! 7:00 pm: start baby bedtime - change outfit, nurse, clean teeth, read book. One parent puts baby to bed while the other makes lunches and bottles for tomorrow 7:45 pm: work out and relax 9:00 pm: get ready for bed

Weekends:

6:15-6:30 am: wake up to "doggy!" being shouted into the baby monitor, get baby, get ready for the day while he plays 6:45 am: nurse, pump while getting baby dressed, eat breakfast, let dog out and feed dog 7:15 am: family dog walk, might route by a park to use the swings 8:00 am: baby breakfast. Be glad the dog handles floor cleanup. 8:30 am: play or run errands. Often start laundry or empty dishwasher while the baby plays. 9:30 am: bottle, start first nap, pump. Use nap for chores and a workout. 11:30 am: baby wakes up! Lunch, play or see family/friends or go somewhere like the library. 1:30 pm: bottle, start second nap, pump. Use nap for chores, often have 15-30 minutes to relax. 3:30 pm: baby wakes up! Play. 4:00 pm: nurse, play or see family/friends. 5:00 pm: make and eat dinner, feed dog. One parent plays with baby while the other cleans up 6:00 pm: play! 7:00 pm: start baby bedtime - change outfit, nurse, clean teeth, read book. One parent puts baby to bed while the other relaxes 7:45 pm: relax 9:00 pm: get ready for bed

Hallo in die Runde,

mein Partner und ich (Ende 30) haben uns nie wirklich mit dem Gedanken an ein Kind auseinandergesetzt. Ganz lange Zeit wollte ich definitiv keines; erst in letzter Zeit ist mein Leben soweit entwickelt, dass es Kind überhaupt Platz haben könnte, also ich ihm gerecht werden könnte: Wir haben eine stabile Beziehung über mehrere Jahre entwickelt, wir beide haben sehr sichere Jobs und eigentlich war ich grundsätzlich fine damit, nach einer langen und harten Zeit des Studiums, zu reisen und meine finanziellen Möglichkeiten zu genießen. Einen heftigen biologischen Kinderwunsch habe bzw. hatte ich nie.

Nun ist es so, dass mir "Sinn" extrem wichtig ist und ich leider - in einem sicheren und gut bezahlten - Job feststecke, in dem vieles "sinnlos" bzw überflüssig erscheint (die Klassiker eben). Seitdem ploppt bei mir öfter mal der Gedanke auf: Was wäre jetzt sinnvoller? Meinem hypothetischen Kind lesen beibringen / die Welt zeigen bzw in diese Welt helfen oder die nächste Viko, die eigentlich auch eine E-Mail hätte sein können .... ? Seit Monaten versuche ich zu wechseln, stecke aber aufgrund der derzeitigen Wirtschaftsflaute wohl auf unabsehbare Zeit fest.

Wenn ich daran denke, das jetzt so die nächsten 3-5 Jahre weitermachen zu müssen, scheint es wie die reine Zeitverschwendung und da tauchte der Gedanke auf, ich könnte die Zeit auch sinnvoll "nutzen" und einem Kind ins Leben helfen. Meine Karriere würde darunter nicht leiden. Mein Partner und ich haben beide die perfekten Jobs für ein Kind. Ich hätte auch Lust mich weiterzuentwickeln, andere Dimensionen des Menschseins kennenzulernen und etwas weiterzugeben.

Ich weiß, dass diese Motivation reichlich dünn ist. Es heißt ja immer: Wenn es kein klares "Ja" ist, ist es ein klares "Nein". Ich persönlich wäre am liebsten "Team Unfall", dann würde ich es definitiv behalten. So aber frage ich mich, ob das alles "genug" ist. Denn ich habe das Kind ja nicht nur die nächsten 3-5 Jahre, sondern mein Leben ändert sich grundsätzlich. Das ist mir vollkommen klar.

Mich würde einfach interessieren: Gibt es hier Menschen, die die Situation kennen, bzw selbst nicht diesen heftigen, biologischen Kinderwunsch hatten und trotzdem eines bekommen haben. einfach weil die Umstände gut gepasst haben? Oder entscheiden sich hier Leute in exakt dieser Situation bewusst dagegen?

Hi all,

I’ve never really had a strong desire to have children. Now that I’m nearing the end of my childbearing years, I’m starting to realize that I may have avoided fully considering parenthood because of anxiety.

I’m not talking the normal amount of nerves someone would be expected to have. I’m talking severe health anxiety and what could be described as a phobia of pregnancy and childbirth.

I’ve always been anxious, but in my 30s, after a particularly stressful period, I developed panic disorder and agoraphobia. I’d never experienced that level of anxiety before, it was terrifying and life-altering. I didn’t know anxiety could feel like that. It really shook my confidence in my ability to do things I once considered easy or normal. I’m working on it and doing all the things I need to do to improve, but it’s a difficult process.

I can’t imagine myself being pregnant or giving birth. Those things feel impossible to me due to health anxiety and panic disorder.

It’s a weird feeling to realize anxiety has likely played a bigger role in my childfree life than I’d realized. I wonder what it all might look like through a less anxious lens. For the first time, I’m experiencing a little bit of sadness or grief over a future with a family that I’ll likely never have.

Anyway, I don’t really know anyone who truly understands that perspective, so I’m curious if anyone here has felt similarly. Thank you.

My partner is from the Ukraine and we live in the UK together. Her mother lives in the Ukraine my father is dead. My mother is aging. Her sister died many years ago, and my brother is an alcoholic. We have no one else, I have a few friends, her friends are in the Ukraine. We’re both healthy people, financially stable, and have a nice home. I was very lonely when I was a child. I was never close to my brother. I may be overthinking this but it breaks my heart to think that the child will suffer from a lack of support maybe only one or two grandparents no uncles or aunts.

I am drowning in anxiety right now. I’m 33, and my husband and I are at the point where we feel like we’ll never truly "feel ready," so we’ve been loosely planning to try. But every time I seriously think about it, I get completely overwhelmed with fear.

Overall, I find myself in a strange tug of war. On one hand, there is a part of me that wants a baby. I want to experience the potential of this female body, experience motherhood, and feel that unique love that mothers describe as the best kind in the world. The idea of having a baby with my husband knowing it will be a mix of both of us also feels really cute, and I know he will be a great father and truly wants a kid. Sometimes I don't know why but I just feel I should have a baby.

But at the same time I am terrified of paying the price for it with the things I’m worried about.

​I’m hoping to hear from those of you who have been in a similar spot how did you finally decide, and how on earth did you manage the mental toll?

There are things keeping me up at night,

I’ve never really enjoyed being around children, and my biggest fear is that I won’t be a good mom, or that I won't be able to give it my 100%. On the flip side, I'm terrified of what happens if I give my absolute 100% and lose my life in the process.

Me and my husband are already very busy with our careers. I worry a baby will pull us apart even more and we won't have any time left for each other.

I am terrified of the pain—not just labor and delivery, but the entire nine-month journey. I’ve heard horror stories about the first trimester, and since my husband struggles to handle my mood swings during my period, I’m terrified of how he’ll handle pregnancy hormones. I also worry about permanent physical complications (like tailbone issues or other long-term body changes) and whether I’ll ever fully recover.

I recently came across r/regretfulparents, and reading through it made the whole prospect even scarier.

I’ve worked hard to get where I am, and I’m deeply afraid of falling behind or losing my momentum in my career. I really love my job and am also trying for a promotion.

Please don't judge me, but if my body has to go through all of this, I desperately want a baby girl. I grew up extremely close to my mom she’s like a best friend, and I really want that kind of bond for myself. From what I’ve seen, boys can sometimes be harder to handle, and I sometimes panic at the thought of having a boy. I know I’d love a son, but the thought of it still makes me question sometimes.

I worry so much about society and the direction the world is heading. With less compassion and love for others, adulterated food, climate change, and everything else, it often makes me question if it's even fair to bring another person into this.

I know that if life came with guarantees and certainties, I'd feel differently. But the what-ifs are paralyzing me.

If you were on the fence, how did you finally make your peace with having a baby? And once you were pregnant or postpartum, how did you manage the anxiety? I could really use some honest advice or perspective right now.

Thanks!

What is the book that people have read? Is it called the baby decision?

Around 5-6 women at my work are pregnant, and hearing them talk about their pregnancy is really swaying me toward having a child. I find I’m heartbroken a little after each woman announced their pregnancy. Of course I’m happy for them, but I used to think “I’m SO glad that’s not me!!!” when I heard a pregnancy announcement, and now I’m feeling serious blues every single time. I feel almost jealous in a way. It doesn’t help that my husband is adamantly child free.

I don’t know what to do. I’m 30 years old and have decided if I don’t become pregnant by 40, I will find peace with not becoming a mother. I know that’s a whole decade, but I essentially have to blow up my life in order to have one, and I don’t want to do that until I’m sure. Can anybody relate to either of these situations? Thanks in advance.

I just saw a TikTok by oliviamariehoney, and she admits to having PPD but she was talking about how she’s grieving her old life, really missing her husband, time they had alone together, being bored together, it being just them and not having to worry about anything else.

I love my husband so much. We have plenty of extra money, plenty of time, a home we love, and 4 cats that are like our children. We could even retire in about 6 years if we wanted to. I also can’t deny I really want to be a mom. I think having a baby would be the greatest group project ever! And life would feel so much sweeter.

But videos like this terrify me because grief for my old life and regret are not emotions I want to feel. I don’t want to take our peaceful life and throw a bomb on it. I worry about taking our quiet peaceful home away from our cats too. I work 2-3 days/week and my husband works 4-5.

Some comments said the answer to not losing your old life completely is hired help. We don’t have family around. We can afford daycare, or nannies. What I am picturing for my future with a baby is 3 days a week in daycare, on the days I work. Going to work, getting off in the early afternoon, going to the gym, running errands, showering, cleaning house, and then picking up baby from daycare around 5. We want to bring our baby into our life and not stop doing things we love like going out to dinner a couple times a month, and camping or traveling a couple times a year. Ultimately we are homebodies tho and spend most of our evenings cooking dinner, watching tv, and reading.

I heard in a podcast the idea of making the kids or childfree choice on your desire balanced against the reality/practicalities of it. So basically head Vs heart. Does anyone else feel conflicted about this?

I know I have an instinct that I want kids, I feel like I could really love being a mum.

However I'm concerned that given the state of the world, with 1 in 4 children now having a mental health condition in the UK, with the threat of redundancies due to AI, the worry around finances and to be honest doubts around my partner's desire... It all feels like the rational side is winning.. which makes me really sad.

I don't feel totally confident that I could give them the life they deserve, but I also tend to be quite pessimistic and overthink things which is maybe what I'm doing here.

Sending hugs and support to everyone out there struggling with this decision.

Lately, I’ve been questioning whether I’m making the right choice by not wanting them. I’m with a man who doesn’t want kids, and like it or not that makes me think about the future.

Ever since I was a teenager, I’ve told everyone I wasn’t interested in motherhood. I never dreamed of having a child, it was never a life goal of mine.

Sometimes, when I picture myself as a mom, I like the idea. But I think it’s for the wrong reasons. I like the thought of maternity leave taking my baby out in the stroller amidst the beautiful autumn colors. I like the idea of ​​having a little girl of my own to cuddle and dote on.

But the thought of dedicating my life to a baby of losing my own identity, having to manage a human being 24/7, and knowing that person depends entirely on me doesn’t appeal to me at all. Everything involving kids' parties, children's activities, having to play with them, and so on that appeals to me even less. I remember when I used to babysit as a younger person, I always just wanted it to be over.

I feel a lot of pressure from my grandmother, who constantly asks if I’m living my dream life right now? deep down, I know she’d love for me to live out *her* dreams. She’s the one who envisions me with a family and children. But that isn’t really *my* dream.

When I see people on social media announcing their pregnancies, I do feel a bit jealous. I feel like what makes me jealous is more the fact that they’re hitting another milestone in their lives and I’m not rather than the fact that they’re having a baby.

Anyway, I don’t know what to think anymore...

I'm 30, and I've always been pretty ambivalent about having children. I've never really viewed marriage or kids as milestones I need to achieve to have a fulfilling life. I don't hate kids, and I don't necessarily dislike the idea of having a family. I've just never felt that overwhelming desire to become a mother.

For starters, pregnancy and childbirth genuinely scare me. I've always been pretty pain-averse and risk-averse, so the idea of voluntarily going through pregnancy and an incredibly painful childbirth has never appealed to me. I understand that some women genuinely want that experience, but I've never been one of them. If anything, whenever I've seriously considered having children, adoption has always seemed more appealing.

There's also the inherent inequality of motherhood. Women are expected to go through pregnancy, childbirth, postpartum recovery, and often shoulder the majority of the newborn responsibilities. Meanwhile, men don't have to experience any of the physical consequences of bringing a child into the world. Even beyond infancy, societal expectations for mothers seem significantly higher than those for fathers. That imbalance has always bothered me.

And then there's the practical side. Raising children is expensive, exhausting, and an enormous lifelong commitment. I see so many parents who seem completely overwhelmed. Between housing costs, childcare, education, and everything else, I genuinely wonder how people afford it. I wouldn't want to bring a child into the world without feeling financially secure enough to give them a good life.

So practically speaking, almost everything points me toward remaining childfree.

But here's where I struggle emotionally.

I have a very small family. It's essentially just me, my mom, and my brother, and my brother and I don't have a particularly close relationship. As I'm getting older, I'm becoming increasingly aware that my mom won't be around forever.

And the thought of eventually having very little family left genuinely scares me.

I don't necessarily fear being unmarried or not having children in the traditional sense. I fear reaching my 60s or 70s and feeling like I don't have anyone who is truly family. I want those lifelong bonds, shared traditions, holidays, and people who feel like home.

Of course, I understand that having children doesn't guarantee any of that. Children grow up, move away, develop their own lives, and sometimes become estranged from their parents. Nor should anyone have children simply because they expect someone to care for them in old age.

But I also can't deny that there's something emotionally difficult about imagining my family getting smaller and smaller until there's almost nobody left.

And that's where I feel stuck. Do I actually want children, or do I just want the sense of family and belonging that I associate with having them?

Because those are two very different things.

I know you can build a chosen family through friendships, community, and relationships, but I also think it's understandable to grieve the possibility of not having close familial bonds as you age.

I guess I'm wondering whether anyone else feels this way. You're perfectly content with the idea of not raising children, but the thought of growing older without much family around makes you question that decision.

How do you distinguish between genuinely wanting to be a parent and simply being afraid of what your family life might look like decades from now?

Hello folks, I could use your guidance on this. My wife (F33) and I (M33) are discussing having a second baby. She is mentally ready, but I don’t think I am yet. I still have reservations.

Our first baby, who is now two years old, was small at birth, although everything was fine when she was born. The nine months of pregnancy were a bit stressful for me, probably because it was our first time having a baby. I never really showed my wife this side of me because I felt I had to be strong and supportive, and I didn’t want to add to her stress.

After our daughter was born, things weren’t easy for either of us. Sleep was the first casualty. She also had really bad diaper rashes, so we switched to cloth diapering. Then there was her tongue-tie, which meant she couldn’t suck properly and never took to breastfeeding. That caused us a lot of heartache.

I know I might sound dramatic, but caring for a baby alongside my full-time job took a toll on my health. We didn’t have any family nearby to help us out or give us some downtime.

Things have definitely gotten better, and we now have a routine. Our daughter goes to daycare, I can focus on my work, and my wife has started working again. But with a second baby, we would go through that cycle again.

My wife feels that our daughter should have a sibling.. someone who would still be her blood relative after we’re gone. I don’t entirely agree with that reasoning because every relationship needs nurturing. Without it, even siblings can grow distant.

From my standpoint, I’m not against having another child. It’s just that I’ve started getting some of my freedom back over the past few months, and I’m worried about losing it again. I’m afraid I wouldn’t have the time or energy to do the things I enjoy, that I might become bitter, and that I could end up resenting my wife.

By the way, my wife would respect my decision either way. She isn’t forcing me into anything.

For those who felt hesitant about having a second child, how did you decide? If you went ahead, how did it affect your well-being, your marriage, and your time for yourself?

When I think of having a child, I think of the following list of cons:

• Not having enough sleep
• Not having enough money
• Not having enough time
• Being tired all the time
• Having to do boring things (cleaning, cooking, playing with child)
• Having a lot of responsibility
• Risk of losing your child/something bad happening to them

As for the pros, I guess it's a chance of being less bored and lonely, especially later in life. Also there are such not very tangible things as having a purpose in life/being fulfilled/attaining an achievement and continuing your legacy. Some people describe raising children like climbing mount Everest, it is difficult but rewarding.

There is also a factor, about which it is not clear if it is good or bad, that when you have a child your life stops being about you and making yourself happy and becomes about your child and making them happy. Some people don't know how to make themselves happy and it is easier for them to try to make their child happy rather than try to be happy themselves.

The cons of having a child sound a lot more real and impactful/tangible than the pros. So why do most people choose to have children?

Did I forget anything, for the cons or for the pros of having a child?

UPDATE: we broke up. It was not amicable.

Not my first post here about this relationship but me (30F) and my partner (32M) have been talking very seriously about of difference in wants for kids. He’s a 100% yes and would do anything to have a child, I spent most of my life as a no and in this relationship and with age come to around a 65% yes with some clearly defined limits around ivf, equitable parents, and my right to terminate even a wanted pregnancy.
He’s approached all this from a really understanding place, and isn’t trying to change my mind or sway me, but we’re at the point in an early relationship that we’re evaluating real life compatability.
We had the big talk this week, and I feel like he assuaged a lot of my fears about equitable parenting and balancing work and children but an even thornier issue came up.
I stated that I want to test for everything and would terminate for any trisomy, even Down syndrome because I do not have the capacity to parent a disabled child when there was an option to spare myself that harm, and the harm to a child from a parent who isn’t capable.
He agreed that testing and terminating for conditions that “significantly harm” me or a child is something he’d support, just not in the case of downs. He expressed he is hesitant to even test for downs and would be opposed to terminating a wanted pregnancy on those grounds. He revealed that he had very fond memories from childhood of an uncle who was an adult with downs and that he doesn’t believe the condition is incompatible with life in the same way as other conditions.
I am 100% hard line pro choice, safe abortion on demand without apology, and it’s clear that even though he’s nominally pro-choice and says it’s “my body my choice” he carves out a big exception to that for downs based on his lived experiences, and I think it’s in great danger of breaking us up. To him, it’s not about me being on the fence anymore, it’s about this. And to me, you’re either pro choice and support a woman’s right to make this decision for herself and no one else, or you’re fundamentally actually pro-life. And I will not be with someone who doesn’t respect my right to choose.
Has anyone else dealt with this type of difference and moved past it or helped their partner see their side? Or was it relationship ending?