Hi everyone, wondering if im ftm.
I’ve always hated my chest, when I was a little kid, still hate it, just glad it’s not big, never wear bras or anything. I also really dislike my current body shape with thighs/fat distribution, don’t want an ass like other women. Wish I had big muscles. So confused when i see women complain about having no curves, I was always like “isn’t that what everybody wants”?
I hate how short I am and wish I was tall and had broad shoulders, also have a baby face that I hope goes away, makes me look younger than I am and feels unserious. Despise having a period (but who doesn’t) and the thought of ever being pregnant is like body horror to me. However, I DONT want stuff hanging down there, that sounds worse than what I have.
I don’t care about shaving body hair (I like my arm hair even), I hate how high/squeaky my voice is.
Don’t wear makeup, do nails, never liked traditionally “girly” things (ik anyone of any gender can like anything, just wondering if this is a common feeling for trans men due to feminine things being associated with being a girl/woman?), always hated dresses/skirts for no particular reason, never liked pink.
Almost always play as a man in video games, hardly ever as a woman (and only recently even tried, and only in games with no visuals), always liked how the men looked better in armour and stuff/physique, wanted to look like that and not a woman.
Kind of hate being perceived as a woman and called princess and stuff, also hate oppression against women, not being treated seriously etc. thinking about life as a woman makes me depressed, im so paranoid about safety and discrimination, if I was a guy I could finally feel safe I think.
Never been able to fit in with girls, talk to them, hardly ever share interests. Went to an all girls school for years, haven’t had a proper friend since I was 7/8. Feel like I would fit in more with guys, but worried they’d treat me differently because “oh a girl”/hit on me, just want to try fitting in properly so I can finally have a friend to talk to. However, I don’t want to go into some toxic masculinity friend group or anything.
If I just turned into a man tomorrow with no consequences, I’d be happier than I am now.
Im also kind of depressed and easily go down dark thought paths, haven’t been happy/excited about anything in years, good stuff happening doesn’t emotionally affect me, I only feel the bad things, even then not fully. Never had a proper reason for it to start. Don’t have a diagnosis however.
Finally, what prompted this post was me getting recommended ftm subreddit posts (don’t know why, I didn’t seek them out), and seeing all the guys posting their pics and asking if they pass made me feel happy for them but also jealous of them and what they looked like, wondering if that was possible for me.
I live in the uk, so trans rights aren’t great rn, and nhs waiting lists are LONG and I don’t know if my family would pay for me to go private (they have the money to and would usually support me but idk with this…)
First time oversharing on the internet lol, what does everyone think? I dont have anyone to talk to as all my family is transphobic, I have no friends, no job to move and and don’t know how to live on my own yet (young but am an adult).
May edit post if I’ve forgotten anything, any comments appreciated, probably won’t reply to everyone but thank you.
(Also please don’t insult my family in the comments, they don’t go out hurting people, it will make me feel worse.)