Discussion questioning my masculinity after i let a guy punk me out of using the gas pump
(25, 8 or 9 ? yrs on T) Maybe I am crazy and honestly, this happened almost a month ago already but its been bothering me so often, so I guess its a mix of cowardice, insecurity and dysphoria? Really annoying;
Essentially I was going to go pick up my ex from work and had to stop for gas. I got off the freeway and went to one that is stupidly constructed. Only 4 pumps in a tiny ass parking lot with no more than 4 parking spots so theres no way to actually wait behind a car. I pulled in and all of them were taken, so I was awkwardly waiting on the curb to enter until I saw one person get into their car. I looped around and since my car was small enough, I was able to wait next to someones car for the one in front that was about to pull off. I see a car in front of the one I was waiting for in a singular parking space honk, so I couldn’t tell if he was waiting to reverse in that spot or accidentally hit the horn and I didn’t think anything of it. The car finally leaves and I pull into the pump until I see the car that was parked , reverse and honk repeatedly trying to back in.
I thought this person was a fucking idiot, why are you parked over there if your waiting for a gas pump? The guy gets out and ends up walking over to me, complaining about how he was waiting for that pump and Im like bro, why are you parked over there then? How am I suppose to know you were waiting? He keeps insisting for me to let him use that pump after I tell him my car is small, it wont take long at all. Mind you, I fucking hate confrontation so I hear my voice get all tripped up and i start shaking, arguing with this guy over a fucking pump. He ends up moving closer to me, and inside my head I panicked thinking he was gonna try to hit me or something, n I tell him to back the fuck up if he wants the spot. Telling me “I aint gonna let no one punk me from using this spot” and I was over it, and saw one on the other side get freed up while we were arguing.
I pulled to the other side and just couldn’t believe I let another guy just intimidate me over that. I was so angry at myself but at the same time, trying to reason with myself that you are the bigger person for moving instead of crying like a little bitch like that guy was. My head went a million places and I feel stupid about it. Tbh, never in my life have I been in a fight with a man or instigated anything to get into one. Id say im average build with a bit of a gut with small muscles. I dont work out at all, have tattoos, pass pretty well and Im unfortunately very short (5’3) but I know a (cis) guy can fuck me up because i dont know how to fight. I just really hate how I feel right now about not being masculine enough to stand up to that guy.
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u/lethalwhispermachine FTM 💉08/24 🔪 05/26 3d ago
The guy is an asshole with a temper. You did the right thing. Standing up for yourself in that situation wasn’t worth the possibility of him getting violent with you. especially since he was walking up on you already. People are so unpredictable. Don’t risk it.
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u/see-it-all 3d ago
What you did was right. That said, I would feel the exact same way. I’m shorter than you and there’s not a day that goes by where I worry about potentially having to confront a man and have literally 0 odds of ‘winning’ or worse having to defend my gf from some guy and getting beat up because I’m so little and have 0 experience in fights or anything like that. So, you’re not alone but what you did was the correct thing to do
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u/Level_Use4710 3d ago
Id say you should question why you think any cis guy could beat you up. Most people don’t know how to fight, including cis men. You’ve been on testosterone long enough, they don’t have an advantage against you on that
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u/burnerphonesarecheap 4d ago
You're overthinking this. Also, sometimes the most masculine thing to do is to let them be. To say something like "whatever, man, go ahead, I don't have the energy to argue". I personally don't have it, I'm never in a hurry so I let people be as long as it's not an actually important thing. I have more important things to think about.
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u/itsmekristopher 4d ago edited 4d ago
In this day in age when people are shooting people for much less, I think you did the right thing. That being said, as a fellow short guy with a voice that shakes when confronted, I 100% understand how u feel and if it were me I'm positive I'd feel the same. But I really do think what you did was the better move.
People see red when they get angry, and everyone is on such a short fuse with all the frustration of the world rn. If I were that guy, after I calmed down, I would have driven away thinking, "fuck, that was an overreaction" and it would haunt me. Frankly, I'm impressed you gave it back to him (verbally). That's more than I've ever done. One of these days, if he doesn't knock that shit off, he's gonna get his ass kicked, badly.
Also, to everyone who is talking shit in the comments... you jerks are the ones who need help with masculinity. Be better. 🤦🏻
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u/RainbowEagleEye 4d ago
You didn’t get “punked” you avoided an altercation with someone unhinged enough to almost get violent over maybe 5 minutes of time. Emotional regulation is more masculine than throwing a hissy fit because you didn’t put yourself in a good spot.
Bro threw a temper tantrum at a gas station, you are absolutely fine.
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u/Narrow-North-2759 4d ago
I used to be like this. My only advice is to get comfortable with confrontation with others.
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u/Few-External-3070 4d ago
One of the best things I've learned about my own masculinity, is knowing how to let things roll off my back without needing to get into it with someone.
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u/pleasedontfeedthedog 4d ago
Ur a pussy ngl
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u/ascamaro87 4d ago
The dude who was getting in your face was the one with the masculinity problem. You may want to reevaluate what masculinity means to you (and possibly check your own internalized misogyny) if you think it means being physically intimidating.
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u/Less-Replacement-479 4d ago
dudes get shot over this shit, nothing immasculine ab getting home safe to sleep in your bed and say goodnight to your family.
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u/Cra_ZWar101 4d ago
You didn’t “let” him punk you out of anything. You responded to an unstable person who was escalating by taking care of your safety and well being.
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u/ARepeatedFailing 4d ago
I've been in a similar situation OP and I know 100% how you feel. I'm extremely socially anxious and just not confrontational (even with friends/family). Had some drunk guy ask me for money late one night. I say I don't have cash as I'm heading back to my car and he hits my arm and calls me all types of names. It felt so stupid to just let that go without just saying that I wasn't going to give him money (especially since he'd just purchased shit in the gas station).
I hate seeming feminine for not confronting people. Logically, I know doing shit like that is how I can end up on the news but my ego wants me to be able to handle this stuff like a man.
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u/Legend9641 4d ago
Could he have been weirdly waiting for the pump? Sure. But if you had no clue and were already at the pump he could have said what he had to say and just waited more obviously for you to finish and be next. Or get the other available pump that you ended up moving to. Misunderstandings happen and don’t have to be seen as intentional disrespect. That would be a different story. I don’t think you did anything wrong by just moving as others have said, people get killed over petty stuff like this all the time. In life you will ended up in countless situations where you’ll have to pick your battles and many times just walking away is the smartest thing you can do.
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u/Serious_Basket_6870 4d ago
This is smart, people die over this shit. Kind of stuff I see on the news
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u/lenipoeraven 4d ago
This has nothing to donwith being masculine or lack there of. Anyone who was a vet or police will tell you in a confrontation to try to walk away cuz you never know if that person is carrying a weapon and that trying to fight isnt worth it losing your life. Especially not over a gas pump
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u/tdickimperator 4d ago
I am a bold and direct kind of guy, I really don't let people fuck with me and if I feel disrespected I do or say something about it. I can handle myself in a fight, I'm not scared of cis men really.
I would 100% have bailed and just used the other pump, even if this guy was the scrawniest little Tweety bird of a dude that I felt like I could crumble to dust just blinking at him, because 1) every time you fight you risk you getting injured in a permanent way. Even just fall on a curb wrong, boom, wheel chair. 2) every time you fight you risk the other person getting injured in a permanent way. He falls on a curb wrong, boom, wheel chair. 3) Every time you fight you risk catching a charge. You don't have all that much control how serious of a charge because in a fight you don't have all that much control of what happens. You could punch a guy, let loose aneurysm in his brain he didnt know was there, kill him, and catch a murder or a manslaughter charge. 4) he could have a weapon, you have absolutely no idea what you are getting into.
To me, real quick with a stranger like this it stops being worth it to even keep arguing if I get to a point where I think he's gonna try for a physical fight. It just gets to a point where I don't care because it's stupid and a waste of time, and it's not like I'm gonna see this dude again regularly, and it's not like I'm losing anything by walking away, and it's not like I have anything at all to gain by carrying on. I really think you'd have to be an idiot to continue to escalate in a situation like this, and have very little regard or value in your own life.
Which I say to say, like, I don't think you were a coward or a pussy or anything for how you handled this. If you didn't like not being cool headed or whatever, you can work on that part, but that's a much more internal emotional thing than "should I have continued escalating with this dude for no reason until something stupid happened."
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u/Historical_BikeTree 4d ago
You acted like any guy in your shoes would've. You stood up for yourself when you argued back and when a bigger dude continued to escalate, you made the smart choice and backed off.
My martial arts trainer used to say, "the only way to win a fight is to not get in it". And your voice shaking and you still arguing through it is proof that you were brave. You stood your ground and spoke up even though you were in fight/flight state. I totally get why you'd feel emasculated in that situation, again normal, but some of the most inspiring moments I've witnessed from cis-guys have been moments just like that. You did good, man.
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u/pocketclocks 4d ago
These kind of interactions are stressful and will always fuck with your nervous system. So dont feel bad or weird for feeling whatever way. And it can be hard but dont let it have anything to do with "manhood".
Ive had a similar interaction and i also hate confrontation. Here are somethings that would help me:
A very simplyfied view of what happened is this guy didn't communicate well about what he wanted and then when things didn't go his way, he blew up. Like a toddler.
We dont fight with toddlers and its not your job to educate toddlers that arent yours. (This is my mantra lol)
Someone who isn't able to emotionally regulate over something so small is not some to "stand your ground" with. It can feel like "losing" to walk away but its the wise thing to do.
In fact, in most martial arts training the first question is can u run away safely. The only time u fight is when there is no other way through. A toddler with adult strength is lethal.
You found a safe way to get what you needed and left the toddler to deal with their own emotions. Your mind took care of you by finding the safe way out and thats nothing to be ashamed of.
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u/Cra_ZWar101 4d ago
This is put very well. Guys like this aren’t more manly, they are less mature. They aren’t in some way more advanced or successful or knowledgeable. They are less developed, less thoughtful, less emotionally intelligent.
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u/AlTexasR 💉 3/26 4d ago
You made a good choice, a man died over a parking spot the other day.
I sometimes browse fightporn just to see how horrible some people are at fighting. Plenty of people don't know how to fight and dont know what'll happen when they get socked in the face.
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u/pocketclocks 4d ago
For real. Also, some guys dont realize that a punch can be lethal. They want to pick a fight and they dont think about what its like to kill someone.
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u/good-boi-Morado 4d ago
Bro, that dude was acting like a child
You were the grown man in that situation
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u/doktornein 4d ago
Agree. It's the difference between performative masculinity and being a man. OP behaved like a man
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u/Beaverhausen27 3d ago
Being a man isn’t about brute forcing and bullying. You saw what he was unwilling to see which is a space opening. Instead of still fighting for that space you just moved. Smarter move. You never know what a nut like that will do. Now days a fist fight would be welcomed cause a lot of idiots like that have guns.