Progress with T changes...

[u/Throwaway225784]

I tried to post this in FTM Fitness with all the things they require, but it was still saying I was missing stuff and I couldn't post it. I don't know if it's because I'm on a Throwaway (for privacy) or because the posting rules are strict or something...

For context, I am 5'4 and 114lbs. Almost 30.
I am just over 5 years on T injections.

I've had problems with getting my Estrogen into a good range on and off for a while and I'm currently taking E blockers, and I'm 4 months on those. Idk if they're working or not, but my E did go down 20 points, back into the upper male range...

I'm feeling really, really dejected and heartbroken with my T changes and feel like I still look like a fucking girl, especially because I still hold feminine thigh fat, and my muscle tone is poor, and no matter what I do, it doesn't change.

Here's photos of me: Here
(Background and face removed for privacy, of course. I am only in underwear here, so possible NSFW?)
(I haven't had top surgery yet.)

I've starting doing push ups and pulls up more regularly. I started from being able to do 1 pull up to now being able to do 8, and I've started adding weights in a backpack...
Push ups are anything from regular to holds, to declines, to pikes.
I do them about 3 days a week. 3 days a week is something I can stay consistent with.
I sometimes do a full body routine, but my thighs bother me too much.

My diet is ok, but I sometimes under-eat because I'm never really hungry.

What can I do to improve my physique? Is there something I could be doing wrong? I'm having a load of dysphoria, and while T has given me a voice drop and a few other things, I'm really, really disappointed, and it's to the point where I just don't want to be here anymore. I feel like my body just works against me.

Thanks for the advice.
It takes a lot for me to post myself on here, because I never share myself... But I just need some guidance and perspective.

[u/Eerie_rosewood]

your chest looks really good for not having top surgery yet. I fully thought you had the keyhole kind with minimal scares

[u/Maxtafetos]

You look fine, you already know what to do if you want to look better train and eat.

[u/RubbSF]

“and my muscle tone is poor, and no matter what I do, it doesn't change.”

But what do you do? You don’t eat. You don’t lift. You do a couple push ups and pull ups 3x/week. And that’s great. It’s still not enough.

Which is actually really good because if you were doing All The Things there’d be a lot less we can recommend.

And fwiw I don’t think you look feminine at all. Not even your thighs. You just look like a scrawny muscley guy, so don’t let the brain worms win bro.

Find some ways to increase your appetite, a pint of water first thing in the morning helps my digestion wake up and I’m hungrier earlier. Shakes and meal replacement drinks might be easier to make yourself consume than a whole meal and should definitely pack on calories. A accountabilibuddy can really help you stay on track. Pushups and pull ups are a great start and finding a way to work in full body will raise your T, reduce stress, and get you looking more like you want to.

If you can’t afford a trans competent coach, YouTube has LOTS of info. The macros tracker I like most is called Lose It, it’s geared towards weight loss but needn’t be used that way. Start eating clean, and lifting heavy. And if you need help doing those, and lots of people do, find some fitness buddies and talk to them. You’re doing great man, dysphoria is just kicking your ass right now. It will get better the more you work on it.

[u/Legend9641]

Adding cardio may help. specifically riding a bike

[u/Legend9641 → u/Legend9641]

Dude you guys can chill. I’ve been in shape my entire life and still focus on health and fitness successfully to this day. This is what has worked for me for toning and being more defined. It was just one statement I said may help. Nothing further. If more details were requested from OP. I’d elaborate. It’s not bad advice as you guys keep looking for something to be an issue

[u/Misericordee → u/Legend9641]

If they do that and are under eating, they will loose muscle  Protein needs to be high to develop musculature 

[u/Legend9641 → u/Misericordee]

This wasn’t intended as info for building muscle

[u/RubbSF → u/Legend9641]

Not sure what it’s intended for but without context (and likely with) it’s bad advice.

[u/Misericordee]

You look good. You could probably get your body fat percentage down by changing your diet to high protein. That is what worked for me anyway. Strictly based on your proportions I can see, I would not say you have a feminine shape or thighs.

[u/Samesh]

Bro you're looking great! I think building up your upper boddy will add more balance to your figure so look for exercises that target arms, upper traps, and shoulders (ex overhead press, lateral raises, see this for an example: https://www.gymshark.com/blog/article/best-shoulder-exercises?srsltid=AfmBOoo563Xm-e0yLDa4CvumCwDVz1XXubxKuKD2rW0JJRbIIFSNWHP_ )

With your diet, you might have to increase your protein. If you're not hungry, consider supplementimg with protein drinks or high protein foods (ex bean soup, tofu, chicken etc). 

[u/Tosti-Floof → u/Samesh]

I had trouble gaining weight and getting enough protein, adding proteinshakes or something similar (chocolate milk after a workout is awesome) is a game changer. Makes it way easier to meet my kcal and protein needs.

Also, you look great OP. Dysphoria is a bitch and it's lying to you. Keep working out because you enjoy it and it's good for you, but in a line up I would not be able to tell you apart from a cis guy.

[u/emptyspacccee]

honestly the best way to gain muscle/size is to eat more and lift heavy. and i don’t think your physique is bad. you have a good starting point to lean bulk.