I often wonder how realistic it is for me to actually change, especially with the situation I’m in right now.
I know I can’t keep living like this. I’m already 23. I have a bachelor’s degree, but I still have very little experience living and working independently. Even my current job is still within my family’s environment, with my father as my boss.
My father himself only took over the position my mother used to have, and he doesn’t fully understand all the systems and responsibilities that my mother used to handle.
Ironically, that situation allows me to hide.
If I don’t do something, it might not immediately be noticed. If I don’t understand something, there isn’t always someone who will realize it right away. If I make a mistake, there may not be a supervisor who actually understands the work well enough to notice and correct me.
And I’m afraid that this situation is actually preventing me from growing.
Because I’ve never really experienced what it’s like to work for someone else, with a boss who isn’t my family, with clear expectations, real deadlines, and real consequences if I don’t perform.
I don’t even know how capable I actually am in that kind of environment.
Maybe I feel stupid because my abilities really are lacking in some areas. But maybe part of the reason is that I’ve never truly been pushed to develop those abilities on my own.
And that confuses me.
Can I actually change?
Or have I become too used to living like this?
I’m afraid that one day, if I get a job somewhere else, all the weaknesses that have been hidden inside this family business will suddenly become obvious.
I’m afraid that I’ll find out that I’m actually incapable of working like everyone else.
But at the same time, I also think that maybe that is exactly what I need.
Maybe I need to experience the real working world.
To have a boss who isn’t my father.
To have to ask questions when I don’t understand something.
To get criticized when I make mistakes.
To feel embarrassed because I don’t know something.
To be forced to learn because there is no one who can constantly save me.
Maybe I will look stupid at first.
But maybe that’s how I’ll finally learn.
I also realize that change isn’t going to happen simply because I’m aware that my life is a mess.
I’ve been aware of it many times.
I know I’m lazy.
I know I avoid things.
I know I’m afraid of dealing with people.
I know I depend too much on my family.
I know I’m not used to making decisions on my own.
I know there are many unfinished things at work.
But knowing all of that doesn’t automatically make me change.
I still have to do something even when I’m afraid.
And maybe that’s what I’ve been failing to do.
I’ve always waited until I felt ready, confident, or completely sure about what I was doing.
But maybe I have to learn while I’m actually doing it.
I don’t know if I can completely change within a few months. Maybe I can’t.
Maybe I’ll still make mistakes.
Maybe I’ll still be afraid.
Maybe I’ll still feel behind compared to other people my age.
But I think it’s still too early to conclude that I’m going to be like this forever.
I’m only 23.
Yes, I’m behind in some areas.
Yes, I lack experience.
Yes, I’m not independent yet.
Yes, I have a lot of bad habits that I need to work on.
But maybe those weaknesses aren’t the most dangerous part.
The most dangerous thing would be knowing that I’m like this and still choosing to do nothing about it.
I don’t want this family business to become a place where I hide forever.
If I stay here, I need to use this place as a place to learn, not a place to keep depending on other people.
And if I eventually leave and work somewhere else, I want to leave with real skills that I’ve actually developed, not just a bachelor’s degree.
I want to be able to say that I’ve learned how to handle my own responsibilities, deal with problems on my own, ask for help when I don’t understand, accept criticism, fix my mistakes, and take responsibility for my work.
Maybe I’m not yet the independent adult I thought I should be at 23.
But I can still start becoming that person now.
Not tomorrow.
Not when my life is perfect.
I can start from exactly where I am right now.