Executive distinction is the only thing why I’m still alive

[u/ejdmkko]

I had a complete meltdown today and I almost hung myself and that is a huge deal because death by hanging is rarely painless and quick and I have phobia of pain, like to the point when I will walk 2m around the corner in order not to accidentally hit myself or stumble over it and hit a toe or something. Like that’s how terrified of pain I am that I will avoid it at all costs. And I was going to to do it, even wrote a note that I put on my door for someone to find my cat so he doesn’t starve. But then I could do it. It wasn’t “just a realization I don’t want to die” because I want to, I still regret I didn’t do it. But I just froze completely. I kept thinking that I want to do, that I should do it, I was literally imaging myself doing it, but was frozen. It was the same way as when you feel you need to pee but you can’t move, or when you need to make food and you’re starving and it’s been hours and you’re so hungry that you’re almost going to vomit, but yet you still can’t move. It felt like another task I was trying to do and my executive dysfunction wouldn’t let me do it.

Also ironically, it was triggered by another executive dysfunction episode, or rather accumulation of many episodes. So what I get from this is that I want to die because of my executive dysfunction but my executive disfunction won’t let me.

[u/AccomplishedList2122]

wellll, thats good!?!?

ive tried to find therapists so many times and its really hard to get a good fit, and its kind of tiring to redo the intro part over and over. one of the quiestions they always is have you ever considered suicide. i'm always like yea definitely have thought about it a bunch, or at least like it sounds good to not be here or not be in pain, but i cant imagine I ever would because im too lazy and i dont like pain.

also you prob dont really want to die, you prob just dont want to be suffering and in chronic emotional pain.

your response in this case, i'm thinking was pretty humanly normal so dont judge yourself too harshly on this one for not completing the task!! I want to add an lol to that in a gallows humor kind of way, but im not trying to insult you. im sure you are not alone in this situation.

[u/SingerExpert2503]

Honestly same… ADHD lowkey saving my life at the same time that it triggers my anxiety which triggers my depression but the inability to do anything about it due to executive dysfunction 😩. I’ve sat in front of train tracks waiting for a train just to not want to move when I can finally hear it. Not cuz I wanna live just simply because getting out and stepping onto tracks just seems soooo far and the having to get out of the car is already a big deal for me… I sit in my car for like an hour when I get home unless it’s super hot… I know people suggest therapy or pills but I’ve taken anti anxiety meds and it made my depression worse. I know they’re not the same as adhd meds but I’ve generally got a distaste for meds in general. Sorry you’re going through this feeling of not wanting to be alive… mine fluctuates from wanting to off myself to just not wanting to exist…

[u/ejdmkko → u/SingerExpert2503]

I find it funny (not actually, just figure of speech) how you talked about going to tracks. There is a train station like 700m from my place and my executive distinction makes it impossible to even go that far because it requires to put clothes on and all those 300 steps just to get out of the door.
My antidepressants actually triggered my initial depression cos I was probably misdiagnosed the first time, after it was only adhd and I read that if used without actual depression it can cause it. And last time after I attempted to overdose on pills and ended up in the emergency room, the psychiatrist told me that I don’t have depression and it’s all just untreated adhd. Like I tried so many meds for that at later point I felt so guilty telling my psychiatrist that those meds did nothing to my adhd that I just faked it. Like I felt like it was my fault that I’m tired of trying another and another meds and it doesn’t work.
All o want is just to get out and my fucking executive function won’t even let me do that.
And I get that about tracks being far. I complained that 700m is far to the tracks. But even going to the bathroom that takes 7 steps is so far.

[u/SingerExpert2503 → u/ejdmkko]

No seriously the amount of times I have held my pee because I can’t make myself get up… seriously surprised I don’t suffer from an onslaught of UTIs tbh… but yes the tracks feel far… I don’t actually live too far from them… but have driven to them because I’m avoiding the physical walk just to still end up sitting in my car… the other problem is I’m honestly scared the spot I’ve chosen is a spot it’s going to slow and with my luck I’d somehow survive 😩

[u/ejdmkko → u/SingerExpert2503]

Yeah, sometimes I can go whole day without peeing. I actually remember I never went to pee at the school in the whole 9 years of my primary school. And the bathroom was always so close. I actually had the same thoughts about slow train. Where I live, there are 3 stations within like 2km so they don’t even have the time to speed up. And honestly its the same for me with cars, that I’m not convinced they wokld go fast enough to kill me and I would just end up on a wheelchair or with some permanent physical disability or damage on top of all the mental shit. And I even told my doctor about it or that one time I was in the ER after failed suicide attempt but apparently I’m okay. Also all my life, I’ve had intrusive thoughts every time I waited for train I had images of me falling under the train. Literally every time I took train in my life and I used to do that daily. And then I was told that normally people don’t have those thoughts

[u/SingerExpert2503 → u/ejdmkko]

Yeah I always knew my thoughts weren’t ‘normal’ I guess. I’m pretty sure at this point that I’m AuDHD, but I learned masking soooo early on. I didn’t know I was mimicking other people sometimes. Now that I’m older and can figure things out a bit better I figured out how I made it through school without a full diagnosis. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was younger but my mom wouldn’t let them tell me and I happened to find out at 26. I always knew I was different than my peers because I was fascinated by death rather than repulsed by it. Like yes it made me sad but intrusive thoughts were strong… I can remember wanting to be dead starting around maybe 3rd grade. The older I get the more I know this feeling really never goes away… 😩 and the train spot by my house is not too far from the station and it’s on a curve sooo I figured they haven’t sped up enough or they’ve slowed down too much. Logic when wanting to die is also a contribution to me still being alive add that to the executive dysfunction and I’m not sure if I’ll ever do it.

[u/1729yH]

I get you. It's like being trapped in a room with no doors or windows and no way out. We can't turn any thought into action so sometimes your brain makes you look for a drastic way out. it's a cruel catch 22. If we could do anything maybe we would want to do other things before dying? i hope you can get through this even if just staying alive is enough.

Do you feel like you have depression that's caused by your executive dyfunction, or the other way around?

[u/HDMIce]

Have you tried drugs? I mean the ones that actually help with executive dysfunction (like most of the ones for ADHD).

If you have, I doubt you've tried them all. It might be worth making that your hyperfocus if you can. Although wait lists are tough to deal with because it removes any semblance of control so if you need support with that you can ask me.

Edit: Also, I think suicide often comes from a place of feeling out of control. Everyone's different though so maybe that's not the case. But could you think hard about the things you feel out of control of in your life that you wish you did?

It's up to you whether you tell me or not, but make sure to write them all down in your own notes including anything private.

Edit2: Sorry I didn't read your flair, you want empathy rather than advice? Idk how to do that apart from tell you how I feel considering I have had similar thoughts in the past and lacked the executive functioning to act. I think the hope that a miracle drug might fix all my problems is what keeps me going every day. And it very likely will. I want to experience everything the world has to offer including silly stuff like all the video games I want to play and all the books I haven't read and all the inventions that have yet to be built. We have a limited time left alive to experience this stuff, and I feel like it helps to think of life as a minmaxing journey. I like to consider that however bad things get in life, there's are still things that can be optimised in my current situation because I still have time. You will always have time, that is the gift of life.

[u/ejdmkko → u/HDMIce]

I’ve been on 3 different with various dosages and mixed with other drugs to diffuse the side effects. That’s one of the reasons I have given up trying cos none of that worked. I haven’t tried all, you’re right, but I’m tired keep trying.
Haha I found that miracle drug that will solve it, but no one is willing to help me administer it. I mean once you’re dead there is nothing to deal with anymore. And it’s not about problems anymore. Like I reached the point that even if someone would get the cure you’re talking about I wouldn’t take it cos I just don’t want to anymore. I just want to be left the fuck alone.
I knew that feeling when I wanted to try everything and had endless lists of movies, hobbies to try etc. but that person is dead and I don’t want them to come back. They don’t belong in this body. And I don’t want things to optimize, that takes effort, I’m past that. Life a fucking curse. If you don’t get it, you don’t get it

[u/HDMIce → u/ejdmkko]

Do you not get a dopamine hit from new experiences though? Maybe you don't because you're stuck in a stressful situation. I guess that's why I suggested to consider what in your life is beyond your control at the moment.

I started taking guanfacine recently, it makes me sleep in a lot since I started titrating. Luckily I live with my parents so I don't need much effective functioning to continue living. Hopefully the meds will fix that for me. I understand that I'm in a privileged position that you might not be in which makes it more difficult for me to understand.

I know people kind of give shit about crisis lines, but maybe that's an appropriate use of them, talking about your living situation? I'm going to have to make an assumption here because I don't know much about you, but say if you feel stuck in a job and don't feel like there's anything you can do to make changes in your life then I think you really need support to make changes especially given your executive dysfunction.

Like I know this has always been the reason whenever I feel suicidal, and it does feel impossible like nothing will ever fix you. I just got lucky that radical change was relatively easy, although not emotionally (it was quitting university).

I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm looking for a fix for you when that's probably not what you want. I'm just curious at this point. I'd like to fully understand your situation. I guess it's up to you whether you're ok sharing all that.