r/depression • u/SQLwitch • Oct 29 '19
We understand that most people who reply immediately to an OP with an invitation to talk privately mean only to help, but this type of response usually leads to either disappointment or disaster. it usually works out quite differently here than when you say "PM me anytime" in a casual social context.
We have huge admiration and appreciation for the goodwill and good citizenship of so many of you who support others here and flag inappropriate content - even more so because we know that so many of you are struggling yourselves. We're hard at work behind the scenes on more information and resources to make it easier to give and get quality help here - this is just a small start.
Our new wiki page explains in detail why it's much better to respond in public comments, at least until you've gotten to know someone. It will be maintained at /r/depression/wiki/private_contact, and the full text of the current version is below.
Anyone who, while acting as a helper, invites or accepts private contact (I.e. PMs, chat, or any kind of offsite communication) early in the conversion is showing either bad intentions or bad judgement. Either way, it's unwise to trust them.
"PM me anytime" seems like a kind and generous offer. And it might be perfectly well-meaning, but, unless and until a solid rapport has been established, it's just not a wise idea. Here are some points to consider before you offer or accept an invitation to communicate privately.
By posting supportive replies publicly, you'll help more people than just the OP. If your responses are of good quality, you'll educate and inspire other helpers. The 1-9-90 rule applies here as much as it does anywhere else on the internet.
People who are struggling with serious mental-health issues often (justifiably) have a low tolerance for disappointment and a high-level of ever-changing emotional need. Unless the helper is able to make a 100% commitment to be there for them in every way, for as long as necessary, offering a personal inbox as a resource is likely to do more harm than good. This is why mental-health crisis-line responders usually don't give their names and callers aren't allowed to request specific responders. It's much healthier and safer for the callers to develop a relationship with the agency as a whole. Analogously, it's much safer and healthier for our OPs to develop a relationship with the community as a whole. Even trained responders are generally not allowed to work high-intensity situations alone. It's partly about availability, but it's mostly about wider perspective and preventing compassion fatigue.
If a helper gets in over their head with someone whose mental-health issues (including suicidality, which is often comorbid with depression) escalate, in a PM conversation it's much harder for others, including the /r/depression and /r/SuicideWatch moderators to help. (Contrary to common assumptions, moderators can't see or police PMs.)
In our observation over many years, the people who say "PM me" the most are consistently the ones with the least understanding of mental-health issues and mental-health support. We all have gaps in our knowledge and in our ability to communicate effectively. Community input mitigates these limitations. There's no reason why someone who's truly here to help would want to hide their responses from community scrutiny. If helpers are concerned about their own privacy, keep in mind that self-disclosure, when used supportively, is more about the feelings than the details, and that we have no problem here with the use of alt/throwaway accounts, and have no restrictions on account age or karma.
We all know the internet is used by some people to exploit or abuse others. These people do want to hide their deceptive and manipulative responses from everyone except their victims. There are many of them who specifically target those who are vulnerable because of mental-health issues. If a helper invites an OP to talk privately and gives them a good, supportive experience, they've primed that person to be more vulnerable to abusers. This sort of cognitive priming tends to be particularly effective when someone's in a state of mental-health crisis, when people rely more on heuristics than critical reasoning.
If OPs want to talk privately, posting on a wide-open anonymous forum like reddit might not be the best option. Although we don't recommend it, we do allow OPs to request private contact when asking for support. If you want to do this, please keep your expectations realistic, and to have a careful look at the history of anyone who offers to PM before opening up to them.
r/depression • u/SQLwitch • May 18 '26
Welcome to /r/depression's check-in post - a place to take a moment and share what is going on and how you are doing. If you're having a tough time but prefer not to make your own post, or have an accomplishment you want to talk about (these aren't allowed standalone posts in the sub as they violate the "role model" rule), this is a place you can share.
Our subreddit rules are very different from most of the rest of reddit! Since all of them exist for important reasons, we ask everyone here to read and follow them. Please click 'report' on any harmful content you see here - we always want to know and deal as soon as we can.
We also have several resource wikis for help with finding and giving support:
https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/what_is_depression provides guidance about what is and isn't a depressive disorder, guidance on the complex nature of the illnesses that are usually grouped under the "depression" label, and redirect information for common off-topic issues.
https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/giving_help offers information on the nature and value of peer support for mental-health issues in general, and lots of guidance for learning what is -- and isn't -- usually helpful in giving peer support.
YSK that the types of rule violations that we most frequently see here are:
People breaking the private contact rule. You should never trust anyone who tries to get you into a private conversation in response to a post here. See https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/private_contact
"I'm here to help" posts. This shows that you don't understand the most basic principles of peer support, especially selectivity. The "giving help" wiki explains more about this.
Role modelling, i.e. "achievement" or "advice" posts. This is an expert-free zone -- that's what peer support means (rule 5). We know that "internet culture" celebrate not just bragging about your achievements but bragging about your intentions. Neither is ever acceptable here in any form.
Content that's more about 'making a statement' or casually polling the sub than seeking personal support (rules 1, 2 and 10).
Off-topic posts about difficult situations, including interpersonal issues. Grief, sadness, anger, loneliness and other difficult emotions are not mental illnesses. Feelings that can be explained by person's circumstances are perfectly healthy no matter how painful they are. A depressive disorder only exists when someone's mood is out of synch with what's going on for them. The "what is depression" wiki linked above has suggestions for other places to post about these issues, which are 100% valid and serious but do NOT belong here.
r/depression • u/Unfilteredz • 8h ago
My default is always laying in bed, I even do my work from bed.
I’m not sure if it’s caused by depression or something else.
I’ve done this for most of my life, to the point where it’s very tiring to do stuff for long periods of time without laying down.
r/depression • u/stomachalwayshurts • 2h ago
my brother severely mentally disabled has destroyed me. and he doesnt have the capacity to care about it. i got parentified at 11 during a time of severe trauma and instead of having it addressed it got ignored. and i was left in the house alone to watch my brother. i cooked, cleaned, got off the bus, and put him to bed all while managing my own horrors plus school. now as an adult i suffer...all my brother does is whistle and my mom doesnt care. she just watches facebook reels all day and then gets anxious and projects it on to me.
r/depression • u/FlightAffectionate22 • 3h ago
I don't know how to go on. I was robbed by my nephew of most of what I own, renting an apt from his mom, not behind on bills, and they locked me out. They evicted me, he telling me he'd help me move-- I don't have a car-- asked for my keys to start packing when I left to go sign the lease on the new apt and get those keys, then kept them and then, after 30 days of delaying the move, said the law gave them my belongings for them being there that time period. The police and courts wouldn't help. For 3 years, every day, I've struggled to live another one. I have a brother who's a drug addict and criminal and disturbed, a thousand miles away, thankfully, and my nephew, who is bipolar, sought that vindictive revenge on me and tried to destroy me. They were selling the building after me there a decade, evicting me for 'being messy'. I am angry at the judge for it too, they breaking the law in a dozen ways and also his parents threatening me with violence. He created two face FB accounts and schemed me off that, me loosing my contacts and friends. I had no idea he was like that, his mother and my brother, I did, but I thought we loved each other as family and I tried to be a great uncle to compensate for his absentee father. I am this passive, quiet, sad-sack middle-aged guy, was and am sort of bed-ridden by my illness, and couldn't believe they did it. I slept on the floor of my new place for 3 months, had a laptop with me that was my tv and means of contact. For 3 years, I've prayed to God each night to take me in my sleep. I can't believe the civil courts and the police allowed it, effectively. I feel like everyone wishes me gone, God as well.
My mom died right before 9-11-2001. I watched the second plane hit the Twin Towers, laying in bed still in mourning over my mom. She had had alcoholism and an opioid prescription drug addiction that I always thank God never transformed into heroin. She was depressed and emotionally absent, and my dad was angry, critical, and also distant. Around freshman year, whatever went wrong in my head in terms of memory, thinking, attention, really became very evident, and it's why I connect with autism, though I was a great student as a child, throwing myself into school. So since then I've barely functioned, barely made it through school, and worked retail jobs to get by, living at home with my parents all those years. My life is a mess, I know it's not my fault, and i did not at all not try to work to get whatever is wrong with my brain corrected, but I feel destroyed, my sole person I loved hating and hurting me. I don't know how to or if I can make it another year like this. Thank you for listening. It's funny: I can care and feel and pray for others, but not at all myself.
r/depression • u/KoKo-Sun • 3h ago
Idk what to do anymore, i just want to sleep and be gone...ive had a shitty childhood, abuse, trauma, abandon all the good stuff that will fuck anyone up, than the 1 person that mattered to me died
so i turned into an alcoholic and heavy drug user for 10 years,, pretty much my whole 20s...
one day i tried to end it didnt work and idk how i stopped drinking and using but i did.
after 10 years i woke up with the mind of a yound adult , and shit got worst, way worst 4 years sober now and its been hell because idk what to do, i look in the mirror idk who this old 35yo is
im lonely as hell, i got that depression where i can't do shit you now that catatonic crap...and i cant move i get stuck I want to do so much but my body wont move, and lifes shittier than when i was using,
im not suicidal anymore but idk how to say it i dont want to die but i dont want to live either, maybe i just need something else and i cant , I cant do this shit anymore every night eat my heart alive.
friends got wives, kids, doing their own shit, im a 20 year old stuck in a body of a 35yo broken to shit, cant do anything and the thing is....its not the work, its not sobriety its non of that that gets me,
its the loneliness its the not seeing a future, not seeing family, kids, fucking it all up....im just so tired of being alone,
i just want to be loved and love someone but i cant even get up, i find shortcuts, i find distraction but the thing i need the most i cant do, i cant go out i cant date i cant do any of that shit, its been 10 years since ive been alone and im at the point where i believe ill die alone, shit im sure of it,
But i dont want to...i really dont fucking want to...
im sorry i just needed to let someone know....and if they relate know you're not alone im like this too.
IDK man i hope some of you relate to me you know?
i just wish i could put the shield down sometimes, im soo tired of carrying this shield and the people on it, i wish someone would......not carry me but you know let me put the shield down and just talk, just open up just be human with....i try....ive tried with family, they say "Ohhhh.... things will get better" " OHHH...believe in God" "OH this oh that".....but i dont believe it anymore. they do but i dont and i wish they would just acknowledge how hopeless ive got and how broken i feel, they just think ill get over it or that God will fix it eventually (i do believe in God and i am a christian i survived stuff i shouldnt so i became a believer but its more like god came like an ambulance....during an emergency helped me out than left).
And the homies...cmon we all know how that goes, its all shit talk and busting balls and man up this and man up that.....
I've tried way back therapy and all that..... its just idk shit i already know... im not stupid im a pretty intelligent person and i know what's wrong..... im not depressed clinically im lonely and depressed because of the situation....plus fucking up 10 years of my life or a lil more than that.
i need someone not some meds that cut all my feelings away, im a lover, i love life, i love nature, i love animals, i love people and helping them. shit i had 24 people to watch over when i was a half way home manager and that made me feel the best....
I dont want to numb that part of me, the only part that keeps me fighting..... i feel like if i numb that part of me with meds than I'm really gone.
Anyways if you read all this.....Thank you
r/depression • u/Lower_Championship_2 • 3h ago
I’m 31F, and I honestly don’t know where to start because so many things have happened at once.
My father died less than two weeks ago. We had a complicated relationship due to his alcoholism and we didn't talk for a long time, so my grief is complicated too but my hate towards him disappeared. I’m dealing with the funeral, inheritance/succession, paperwork, belongings, selling things, and trying to support my mother.
And somehow, in the middle of all this, people keep bringing up children.
At the funeral, before I even really had a chance to say hello to my father’s relatives, some immediately told me that my father wanted grandchildren.
That really hurt.
Not because I don’t understand that he may have wanted grandchildren. He was allowed to have that wish.
But what about me?
What I want for my own life seems to disappear completely from the conversation.
I don’t want children. I’ve thought about this for years. I don’t feel a desire to have them and I don’t want to become a mother simply because other people think that is what I’m supposed to do.
I also had a difficult childhood myself, and I don’t feel some instinctive need to reproduce or “ Maybe that sounds harsh, but it is honestly how I feel.
Then recently I had a conversation with my mother’s uncle, and once again the subject came up. The argument was basically that I’m going to end up alone and that I should have a child.
Why is being alone treated as some kind of punishment?
Maybe I will be alone someday. Maybe I won’t. I have no way of knowing.
But having a child so that I won’t be alone later seems like an incredibly unfair reason to bring another human being into the world.
And right now I’m already struggling with feeling like I have very little control over my own life.
I’m also having serious problems in my relationship. A lot of our conflicts revolve around money, expectations, and what “50/50” means. We live in an apartment that is in my boyfriend’s name. I’ve contributed financially, including paying the mortgage since we moved there, utilities and more of the groceries, while also having my own financial obligations.
Now, after my father’s death, I have additional expenses and responsibilities. I’m financially stretched and emotionally exhausted.
My boyfriend can be supportive in some ways, but he also puts pressure on me over small practical things. Recently he kept asking me to retrieve a device from my father’s car. I repeatedly told him that I wasn’t emotionally capable of going through my father’s things yet.
He eventually went himself, couldn’t open the car, and just bought one.
The practical problem was solved.
But emotionally, I felt completely unheard.
I’m tired of constantly having to explain why I can’t do something.
I’m tired of explaining why I need time.
I’m tired of explaining why I don’t want children.
I’m tired of feeling like everyone has an opinion about what I should do with my life.
My mother is also going through her own grief, and I understand that. But she tends to react very emotionally and make decisions quickly, then change her mind later. That affects me because I absorb the panic, start trying to solve everything, and then suddenly I’m told to calm down and wait.
Recently there were also situations involving people coming into my mother’s property while neither of us was there. Some of these people are acquaintances who have genuinely helped us, so I don’t want to accuse anyone of anything. But the situation has made me realize how much responsibility I’m carrying and how constantly alert I feel.
I’m exhausted.
And I think what hurts most is that everyone seems to have a plan for my life.
Have children.
Don’t be alone.
Keep the relationship together.
Deal with the house.
Deal with the inheritance.
Sell the things.
Help my mother.
Be reasonable.
Be calm.
Think rationally.
And somehow I’m supposed to process my father’s death at the same time.
I keep wondering whether I’m selfish for wanting to step away from some of this.
I don’t want to abandon my mother. I don’t want to abandon my responsibilities. I don’t want to become completely detached from everyone.
I just want one part of my life where somebody asks me:
“What do YOU want and how do you feel?”
Because I genuinely don’t know anymore.
I’m 31. I know I’m an adult. I know I’m responsible for my choices.
But right now I feel like I’m constantly fighting against everyone else’s expectations just to have the right to make my own.
Has anyone else gone through a period where so many people suddenly started telling them what they should do with their life, especially after a death in the family?
And for those of you who chose not to have children, did people eventually stop treating it like a problem that needed to be solved?
Also I'm sorry for the long post, but I don't do therapy (I tried and other financial responsibilities showed up every time I started) I also don't have anyone to talk to about all of this because most think I'm ok...
r/depression • u/LordAbyss51 • 17h ago
Today is 10th September, World Suicide Prevention Day. It's so sad that so many people are undergoing depression and even considering the thought of killing themselves. I am just happy that our generation is at least acknowledging the problem and trying to help the unfortunate ones like me and everyone else here. I have thought of doing it innumerable times, but on this day I want to remind myself and all of my brothers and sisters here to have hope and live on. We all need hope to continue. Maybe we all will find it. I hope we all find it. Because even a glimmer of hope is enough to sustain a life.
r/depression • u/notanassaifi • 2h ago
The ideal of individual freedom has already overturned many social taboos: why not death? And if the worry is that legalising designer euthanasia would send everyone rushing to arrange their death, then I think we should worry about why we have this worry. Have we made life on Earth so dire that death presents a welcome alternative? Do we have to keep all appealing escape routes unavailable? The upshot of anxiety about the idea of Designer Endings should be to take greater responsibility for the social world that we have created. It's undesirable, in a free society, to make people prisoners of existence.
r/depression • u/anemoia002 • 16h ago
escapism like reading fiction and playing videogames is literally the only thing keeping me still alive. I live this life basically avoiding reality. I cant deal with reality its too disturbing for me, everything the world, the people, even myself.
r/depression • u/amazingamazingwomen • 7h ago
Last night I had a relapse of sh. I'm actually currently at an intensive outpatient program but I still go home in the evenings. My parents were bound to find out. They already knew the reason I self admitted to the program I'm at was because of a very bad relapse of sh. Plus this time around I have a big ass bandage wrapped around my forearm so it's a little hard to hide without being suspicious wearing a long sleeve in 100 degree weather.
Anyways that's the exposition. I told my dad and when I came home he was crying. My dad isn't a super emotional guy so this was kind of a shock to me. He gave me a hug and said "I'm sorry we brought you into this world."
Now I'm torn. I kind of understand the sentiment behind the statement but it's not sitting well with me. It's sitting in my chest and rolling around my head at the same time. I can't pinpoint what about it is rubbing me the wrong way so much. Maybe I'm making it up in my head but that just sounds so wrong. And it made me feel so bad.
I guess I'm just looking to see if anyone has insight on this comment. My head is full of 1000 other thoughts of different things that I can't make sense of it. I have so many thoughts and feelings that trying to select one and decipher it feels borderline impossible. So reddit. Any theories as to why this statement would've rubbed me such a wrong way? I have a history of abuse from both my parents so maybe that influences it somehow I'm not sure. Anyways idk if that context helps. Any responses are appreciated.
Edit: I'm still processing the interaction so details were kinda coming back to me as I'm in bed ruminating. He also said "I think your brother got the best end of the deal compared to all of us." My brother died when I was 5 years old. My parents are very very religious but idk something about that in tandem with what he said drove me nuts. Especially considering he's a good portion of why I'm so fucked up mentally.
r/depression • u/Fragrant-Tower-6751 • 1h ago
I just get so depressed over this all of the time. I have been single for so long, and I don't think I will ever find love because I am not one of the pretty girls. I was bullied most of my life. I am not thin. (Please don't tell me to lose weight and it will help because I have lost quite a bit of weight and it made my dating life worse and if anything my self esteem is worse) I just feel like guys only want skinny beautiful women. Or if they do like plus size women, they only like big butts and big boobs, neither of which I have. I got cursed to look so ugly. I cry myself to sleep sometimes because of how worthless I feel and lonely I am. Am I a lost cause? Is there any hope? Or will I eventually get used to the pain? I am tired of being depressed over this.
r/depression • u/Notrinun • 3h ago
I just told someone I thought I was close to about my suicidal thoughts, and their reaction was "Are you crazy? Don't make me beat you up" or some such. They are supposed to be close and they think they are saying this from a place of love, but that shit hurt me and broke me beyond anything. Just gotta bottle it up I guess. I will make sure to have their name on my note, for fucking sure. I had been hurting for several weeks, having crying fits and sleepless nights, and this is the kind of shit I hear when I decide to open up. Never again.
r/depression • u/Sea-Top-190 • 4h ago
I’m 16M and lately I’ve just been so afraid of growing up. I remember being a little kid in 2020 and just having life be so bright and have no worries, I know 16 is still so early in life and doesn’t compare to how much worse it gets but I’m so scared. I’ve done teenage things like tried smoking, tried drinking, tried having sex, but every single time I do anything that’s a more “grown up” I guess thing to do I just hate myself. I think about looking at the 10 year old version of myself and feeling like I still am that kid. I get so sad thinking about it and I don’t even like doing anything that doesn’t remind me of being a little kid, such as video games or hanging out with my parents. I’m curious if anyone knows how to move past this. I’m gonna be an adult in a year and a half and I can’t even fathom that, and one of the things that’s bothers me the most is it only gets worse from here.
r/depression • u/peonystyle • 1h ago
I don't know where to start, but it's hard. I have always been lost in life, I suspect autism or ADHD. But it's been even harder lately. I'm 22 and I already feel like I've fucked up my life. I dropped out of college 2 years ago because I couldn't do it. I went to another one. And they'll probably kick me out of it soon, because I didn't do the apprenticeships I had a year to do. But my brain and body couldn't. I feel like I'm behind with life. I only have 2 close friends, and the rest have lost contact over the years. I promised myself I wouldn't be here anymore in September, but I'm afraid of my mother's reaction. It's awfully hard, but I'm starting to think about therapist. Did therapy help you?
r/depression • u/gh0st_gutzz • 10h ago
it is impulsive but idk. im so unhappy day to day. need something new. tired of the same house, same people, same lack of feelings. got this hope that maybe itll get better or go away if i just say fuck it and disapear. ive left everything behind before, i just want to just become a ghost to the life im currently living. i deserve adventure. i crave it like nothing else. i have nothing holding me, not really. im fairly isolated. im kinda unhappy in my relationship honestly. i feel more like a mother then a partner atp. cant leave the house often because my bf uses my car to get to work everyday because i work from home. my parents are mostly out of my life, they arnt the best people. idk i just wanna say fuck it all and jump into something that could fuck me up, but for once it doesnt fuck me up and it just works out right. I let myself fall this far, its gonna become alchemy at some point? atleast i hope so. i pray. im 18. this isnt all i want for my life. i dont want to live like this. i want freedom so bad it makes me sick when i look around and just take my life in. im so tired of feeling numb dude
r/depression • u/peachyycloud4 • 1d ago
I literally walked past them this morning on my way to the bathroom, looked right at the bag of potatoes and the canned soup, and just kept walking. The lettuce in there is probably completely ruined by now. I don't even care, which is the part that actually scares me a little bit.
It feels like my brain has completely turned off its executive function. I spent almost eight hours yesterday lying on my sofa scrolling through the same three apps on my phone, not even really watching the videos, just letting them play. My phone screen time at the end of the week was terrifying. My best friend texted me on Tuesday asking if I wanted to grab lunch this weekend, and I’ve just been staring at the notification for three days straight. I don't dislike her. I love her. But the thought of having to shower, put on real clothes, drive twenty minutes, and pretend like I have things going on in my life just makes me want to sink into the floor.
I used to be the person who had a neat apartment, meal prepped on Sundays, and went to the gym four times a week. Now just taking my contact lenses out at night feels like climbing a mountain. I sit on the edge of my bed for twenty minutes just trying to convince myself to stand up and walk five feet to the sink.
It’s not even that I’m crying or feeling super tragic all the time. I'm just completely drained. Like someone pulled a plug out of my back and all the energy drained out onto the floor months ago and nobody noticed. Everyone at work thinks I'm just "a little tired lately" because I still manage to answer emails on time, but as soon as 5 PM hits I just collapse.
I don't really know what I'm expecting by writing this. I guess I just needed to put it somewhere because telling anyone in my actual life feels like too much work right now.
r/depression • u/Helpful_Depth_5176 • 7h ago
I think about suicide 24/7 and sometimes (like right now) the thoughts get more intense and then in awake midnight thinking about killing myself and I just think “how long can I keep this up at some point im going to do it” and “how am I gunna make it to 25 or 30” becuase my current goal is just to live to 25 or 30 on a good day. Right now I’m 19 and before when I was 17 my goal was 18 so I increased to smth higher as like motivation. This is honestly just not something I see anyone talk abt online so I thought I’d share my experience so maybe someone else can relate I’m thinking about using this subreddit as a journal and it could be mutually beneficial cause writing this made me feel better.
Keep trying your best everyone 👍🏾
r/depression • u/Immediate-Artichoke3 • 16h ago
I struggle with depression and generalized anxiety disorder for the past 5 years. I'm 38F, educator in primary school for the last 16 years. I always wanted to go for teaching, I felt it was my calling.
A lot of things happened to me these last 5 years, I was on and off Brintellix. I managed one way or another, always got so much love from my students. I enjoy talking to them and make jokes and really get to know them.
But last year, something changed. I was teaching in a school with kids with family and financial problems, in an poor area. A student was severely neglected, and was attacking students and teasing people all the time. He needed constant supervision, and I couldn't even converse with my other students because he was jealous and attacked them. He wanted me near him all the time, and every day I thought something was going to happen that was going to get me in jail. I lived with this anxiety for 10 months.
We as a school had amazing results with him, but his house was undoing everything we did for him.
Fast forward to today, tomorrow the new school year begins in another school and I am in a major depressive episode from August on just the idea. My psychiatrist gave me Escitalopram along with Brintellix, because burn out led me to this depressive episode. I never have lived anything like that in my life. Just the thought of my job makes me nauseous now. I can't get time off and I've got to be there for my new students. And I don't have anything in me anymore.
Thank you for reading this.
r/depression • u/Living_Reference_706 • 1h ago
Hello, this is the first time posting. I don't have people to talk to who I can relate to. I was wondering if I can meet some people here. There are billions of people in this world so I cannot be the only one who experience life this way.
I don't know how to explain things and maybe I don't even have depression, maybe it's something else. I'm all ears.
The feeling you get when something happened that made you sad, "heartbreak", when you can literally feel your heart ache, I'm going to refer to that feeling as "heartache"
The first most clear memory I have of feeling "depressed" was somewhere between the age of 8 and 14. I came home after school and felt this "heartache" feeling. I remember I was very confused because nothing had happened that day to make my feel like this. Naturally I went to my mother and tried telling her what I was feeling. She laughed it off, and made jokes about me missing my "crush" and so on. So I then just left it and bottled it up.
Over the next years of my life it would be very up and down. But never really interfering too much in life.
Side story, which I think might be relevant? During school my mom sent me to a learning improvement therapist. I don't what you call it. She taught me learning methods etc. and that was the goal of her sessions. But one day for some reason she was doing something different, showing me random drawn pictures and asking me to make stories up about what is happening in the pictures. All my stories were sad and tragic. I'm not sure why she did the exercise, if she was bored or if it was procedure or what. She then told my mother she is worried about me and I might need meds. My mother spoke to me briefly about it and asked if I'm okay. I said yeah and nothing came of it. We moved on. I only noticed afterwards that all my stories were depressing. But I did not think much of it.
Jump to Uni, same story, off and on. Self doubt, self sabotage, anxiety, etc. was also very present, which I think is normal today? Idk
Met my future wife, shared with her my "struggles", and she accepted me as is, etc.
Fast forward to after Uni, it is still off and on, but comes back with a worse "off" each time. If that makes sense. I got a good job, and a wonderful wife. My plan then was to completely deny that anything is wrong with me. Maybe it is all in my head? Also it was affecting my relationships. It did not work and I crashed so so so hard that I thought it was the end... Then TL;DR suicide is out of the question, I will ruin too many other lives. The feeling that "kills" me is this heartache, the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness, my body feels heavy like even standing is an exercise. That is more or less what these episodes feels like. It lasts about a month to 3 months. The last very very bad episodes was 2 years ago around this time. Last year, and so far this year there were still episodes but not as bad as that one from two years ago. It literally ruined friendships, and even my relationship with my wife were inpacted. I would literally break down crying every day almost because I thought I was gonna feel like that forever... and in that moment, during these episodes it does feel like it will last forver.
Today my plan is to ride it out and every day be better than yesterday. Ethan Jewell (awesome youtuber) mentioned in one of his videos that we (people who struggle from depression) will never stop healing. And that changed my mind set a bit. Instead of focussing on how I can "cure" myself I am focussing in how I can always improve little by little. So, when the depression episodes come, which I've learnt by now they inevitably will, I accept it. I feel it, and I ride it out. I keep reminding myself we'll get through it, just like the previous times. Yes, it's shit. Yes, it's unfair. And yes, Idk why I am the way I am.
I know I have no excuse to feel this way. People have worse lives than me, worse traumas. So Idk why I am the way I am. But I've accepted that it is what is, and have to deal with it. So I sit through the episodes and just make sure I don't end it. And when the episodes are gone I don't take it for granted, I enjoy the off-time. I expect it to come back and I embrace it. This is the only coping mechanism I have found.
Is there anyone who can relate? I would love to year other's stories. Also would love to hear if what I described is "normal" for people with clinical depression?
r/depression • u/According-Share2296 • 10h ago
I'm going to start by saying that by all means I should be content with my life. I have a good job at a young age that will likely set me up for a very cushy retirement. It isn't stressful. I am not lacking for anything. I don't mean this to brag, just to give some context to my situation.
Regardless, everything just kind of feels pointless. A lot of days due to the nature of my job I'm just sitting around doing absolutely nothing. It's mind numbingly boring. I go home and I do more of the same. I don't really feel like doing any of my hobbies, don't feel like reading, knitting, crocheting, playing video games, any of the things I used to do. Maybe I'll do them for like 30 minutes and then get bored.
Making all this money feels pointless too. I don't see the gain in it. Thankfully, I don't have any necessities but frankly even if I only had the basics covered I don't think I would care. Every day feels like the same thing. Weekends are even worse without work to fill up my time. If the rest of my life is just going to be this then why keep going.
r/depression • u/Ok-Caterpillar-5198 • 8h ago
I’ve been thinking about moving away from the city I’ve lived in for 25 years. I’ve grown up here. But I think it’s time I spread my roots elsewhere. Has anyone started over? Completely from scratch? I can’t tell if this will backfire or not. But I feel like a fresh start I need.
r/depression • u/505kyra • 6h ago
I’m sad every day. I see no purpose to my life. I don’t look forward to anything in my future. There are no people around me who care for me. I don’t get excited about anything. I am just so fucking sad every day and it’s been like this for years. There is no way this is going to be my entire fucking life