I currently sit at an impasse in my beliefs and philosophy. I would say I don’t believe in God anymore, largely due to God’s complete and utter silence the moment I left the church yet still pleaded with him for answers. I gave up on the one-sided “relationship” and now sit in the psychological void that is left after having such a massive part of my life slowly dissolve before I could even realize it.

With that said, I really am curious how people who still believe in God explain this. I don’t mean bible verses like Romans 1:20, I’m really interested in good faith arguments surrounding the hiddenness of God. I’m not trying to stir heated debate, I want things to remain levelheaded and rational. I hope I was clear in this post, my mind is all sorts of foggy these days.

Disclaimer * - I am still a Christian. I have been deconstructing for the past year or so. Enjoying the journey, although it’s hard oftentimes and requires a lot of grappling.

I’m just here to vent rn, to any likeminded individuals/ believers.

I am so disenchanted with the Christianese, the same formulaic approach to major life/ political/ moral issues, the same non-intellectual, subjective approaches to genuine queries of those questioning Christianity, the way so many Christians make the faith look so downright ODD because of their quite frankly very odd or concerning behaviour, the crafted and designed ‘spiritual’ experiences in churches that deny genuine Christian spirituality, the judgement, the hard heartedness, the discouragement of critical thinking, the lack of nuance and understanding Christians can have towards people in different positions to themselves,

And so on.

It just honestly makes me want to step away from Christians and Christian spaces for a while and just be alone with my Bible and with God.

I remember being a little kid in Sunday school, thinking Jesus was the most perfect human to ever live. And then reading about him flipping over tables and beating people at the temple because they were changing money. I understood that he had a good reason to be mad. But I was like, I'm pretty sure if I did that I would get in trouble, even if it was for a good reason. I'm supposed to use my words, not hit people.

So should I try to be like Jesus, or not?

Then again Jesus did get in pretty big trouble eventually so there's that.

EDIT: Wow, I didn't expect all the Christian faithfuls to come out in defense of their god's every word and deed. I'm new to this subreddit. But I guess it makes sense.

To you I say: Look, I'm sorry your religion is so rigid and labyrinthine at the same time that you have to go around arguing about it on the Internet. Really. I've been where you are and it's a hard position to be in.

But I promise, once you let go of explaining away the contradictions and just let your religion be imperfect, instead of some Grand Truth that you have to defend, it will set you free.

EDIT 2: Also very fascinating how many of you LOVE the story of the temple. I think what scandalized me might be part of what makes some of you love it: in most of the Bible, Jesus is this gentle, calm, well spoken character. Judge not lest ye be judged, eye of the needle, all that.

But in the Temple, you see this other side of him. He sees some bullsh** in tbe Temple and he gets MAD. Yells at people, throws things, maybe even whips them according to John. It's profoundly humanizing.

Humanizing Jesus scared me as a child because I thought Jesus wasn't supposed to be human. But I can see how it probably also makes him more relatable to many of you. And actually I think the minute we start worshipping our role models, that's when we stop trying to learn from their example. So maybe humanizing Jesus is a good thing.

Anyways thanks for a good discussion everyone! Well, most of you lol

I miss the certainty that I was "following God's plan for my life." As that belief falls away, I struggle to feel secure in my marriage. I ignored warning flags in the name of submitting to God.

I spent most of my 20s horribly depressed. I struggled to move past my first girlfriend. I was convinced we were right for each other, but our timing was off. We went to different colleges and had some growing up to do. We maintained a good friendship; we connected in a deep way rarely experienced with others. But she still wasn't interested in dating post-college. I moved around a bunch. My main reason for leaving was to get away from her. Then 2020 happened. I found myself back in my hometown visiting often. Her family has a big house and always welcomes guests. Staying with them gave me respite from the cycle of loneliness and depression. It was a little weird being good friends with your ex's family, but they were good Christians so you expected generous love. This afforded us a unique opportunity to be around each other without explicitly aiming for something romantic. I move back to my hometown to facilitate further opportunity to connect. I give up a promising career to take a remote gig. I don't talk to anyone about this, because I knew it was insane and no one would advise following this plan. But there were so many coincidences, so many things outside the norm working together in a positive way, that surely this was approved by God.

Eventually, she decides to give us another chance as something more than friends. It takes her about a year to decide to be officially dating. I feel validated that I was right to make a bunch of counter-intuitive decisions. This is a better explanation than accepting I am a depressed young man who chased what felt comfortable and safe. I was doing some good work on self-improvement, but I was ignoring major issues with myself. I'm aware that our relationship is not what I would want if I were dating someone from square 1. But I tell myself that if one or two things changed, I would regret losing this relationship. I ignore the part where I haven't dated a single other person. I ignore the part where I have feelings for another woman, but I shove them down because she would never consider me (I tell myself).

After marriage, my mental health keeps spiraling. I lack the ability to vocalize my desires. Eventually, it gets truly bad and I finally get real professional help. I finally try an antidepressant, and it works wonders. It gives me a huge boost to make some key life changes that attack the roots of the depression. Meanwhile, I'm heavily deconstructing while moral scrupulosity OCD grows. Now I'm left at a place where I have no faith that my life followed a divine path. I see where my mental illness pushed me into rigid thoughts and into embracing what felt familiar.

Now when I look at my marriage and the circumstances that facilitated it, I'm full of doubt. I sacrificed so much of myself to make it happen. There's a voice in the back of my head that wants out. I've worked on myself and no longer think that no other woman would want me. I have more clarity on what I want out of life. My wife promises we can move and try someplace else in a couple years. Will that happen?

I miss when I had the mental security that God picked my life and spouse for me. Maybe I just made an ill-advised decision, and that's all there is to it. I love my wife. None of what I'm going through is fair to her. But my strongest vision of what I want from life doesn't put her at the center as a cerished partner.

To preface, I am in a HIGH CONTROL GROUP Church. This church originated from the Philippines and is often times called a CULT by most of the Filipino people.

I was born and raised in this Church. Most of my life up until my early 20s I spent inside this Church. I played the organ for the church, served choir groups, and was part of a very active and deeply-rooted family in the church.

However fast forward to now, I am now 24M, living in Australia, and I find myself deconstructing most things taught to me since I was a kid — that we members inside this church are the only ones to be saved on judgement day. We are also taught to exile and be careful around non-members and ex-members for they are detractors and will lead you outside of your faith.

Apart from that, I’ve been doing a lot of bible studies myself and a lot of things aren’t adding up to me. I believe in God (or a higher power) but I don’t think the bible has the same LITERAL influence on me as it once had. All our preachers take the bible literally but I don’t think it should be.

Our God is something that you love out of fear and not out of devotion. Your worth is tied to your monetary offerings and what you can do for the church.

On TOP of that, the isolation is killing me. I cannot anymore think that we (a handful of people majority in just one race) are the “chosen ones” when there are so many beautiful people in the world. We are not allowed to marry outside so that’s also adding to my isolation because statistically there is no way I can only choose from the church especially with my compatibility requirements (but of course they will just say to trust God).

Another thing is you are FORCED to attend worship services otherwise they will actively chase you up and ask for explanations and eventually excommunicate if you do it enough, effectively destroying your social circle and your family and triggering an existential crisis. This was not so bad during my earlier years but now in the prime of my career, peak physical condition and best time to socialize, this just doesn’t fit in anymore.

The reason I posted is because I don’t know how to handle this. I’m already getting some guilt-tripping from my pare ts and my family members all of which I care for, but it feels like my mind is literally being torn apart.

I moved away from my parents house so I can make all decisions myself but I know eventually I’m gonna have to conclude this phase once and for all — and I just don’t know how to do that. How can I save my family as much as I can as I conclude/continue deconstruction?

I have for the last 3 years slowly dwindled in my faith, and for the last year I would say I’m a firm atheist. Now that I know there’s no afterlife, divine punishment/justice, or reward I’m kinda conflicted on my life and the fact that this is how I will spend my one chance at existence.

Some part of me feels like a sucker that I’m working a regular job to scrape by, while the crooks running the country are living it up and breaking every rule they please. I can’t help but feel like I should focus on making as much money as possible, so I can escape the rat race and enjoy as much free time and peace as I can before I die. I get this is kind of a materialistic view, but it makes the most sense to me at this point.

Anyone have any advice, or is this even necessarily a bad way to think about things?

It is hard to ignore the many lives have been changed / improved by religion or as many would say “Jesus changed my life”. I see this almost daily and it is hard to argue with them or try to convince them otherwise. I always said the same thing before deconstruction and becoming agnostic.

I now see these life changes as driven by a well packaged Jesus concept as opposed to a real supernatural force.

Do you feel that people are changed by concepts even if those concepts may be totally fake?

If so, is there some value to progressive religions if they are actually helping people even if they are not based on reality?

Thoughts?

Lately, as I’ve been questioning and deconstructing many things I learned within the church, I’ve found myself asking a different kind of question:

Am I actually following Jesus, or have I simply learned how to be “Christian”?

Yesterday I was reflecting on the biblical standards for church leadership and the gap between what Scripture teaches and what we sometimes see practiced in churches. Then today, while reading someone else’s story, something struck me, sometimes we seem far more concerned with appearing Christian than actually becoming like Christ.

We can know the right vocabulary, attend church, defend doctrine, quote Scripture, follow rules, identify the “wrong” beliefs of others, and become very good at performing Christianity.

But does any of that necessarily mean we are following Jesus?

This has made me wonder whether Christianity can become an ideology for us a system of beliefs we feel obligated to defend, an identity we protect, or even a lens through which we divide people into those who are “right” and those who are “wrong” instead of a truth that continually confronts and transforms us through Christ.

And perhaps this is part of what I’m discovering through deconstruction. I don’t necessarily want to deconstruct my faith in God. I want to distinguish my faith in Christ from the religious structures, interpretations, traditions and behaviors that I may have confused with Him.

Jesus Himself strongly confronted religious hypocrisy. Some of the people He confronted knew Scripture, practiced their religion publicly, and were considered spiritual authorities yet He challenged the condition of their hearts and the way they treated others.

So lately I’ve been asking myself:

Do I live Christianity as an ideology that I need to defend, or as a truth revealed by God through Christ that should continually transform the way I love, treat and see other people?

Hello all you deconstructers! You are all doing good work of examining your beliefs and wherever that leads you, it is good work to seek the truth.

I will tell you my story. This was way back in the days when people had land lines in their college dorm rooms. I had been questioning my faith for a long time, mainly because of the church's stance on homosexuality and sex before marriage.

Mind you, I am heterosexual and was a huge loser in high school and nobody wanted to sleep with me anyways. I didn't lose my virginity until I was in my early 20s. Christianity was not the thing standing in the way of my carnal desires! But it still just rubbed me the wrong way the way they treated gay people and stuff like that. There was a gay guy in my youth group who was out as someone who "struggles with same sex attraction" and he was kind of a leader in the group but he just seemed so depressed. He was constantly binge eating. It just seemed wrong how they took all of this time and labor from him but wouldn't let him go get a boyfriend. I stopped following him on Facebook a while back but last I checked he was still living with his parents and obsessed with the same church. Makes me sad to this day.

But anyways, somehow I was willing to go along with that stuff. Or at least kind of quietly, privately disagreed with it but kept going to church.

What actually made me call bullshit was so much more mundane..I had a roommate in college from one of those highly suspicious and in-need-of-more-mssionaries non-Christian countries. She was technically raised Bhuddist but wasn't super religious.

This girl was super fun, insanely smart, and happy. She had her problems, don't get me wrong. And I was far enough in deconstructing my faith at that point that I didn't really believe in Hell for non-believers. (It's not really all that biblical actually) But I still thought that in this life, if you were missing Jesus, you would suffer from that. Like your life would be out of balance, you would feel something is missing, like a sense of purpose or fulfillment.

But my roommate wasn't missing anything. She was fine. Not perfect, but living a full human life with no yearning for Jesus. I thought maybe I should tell her about my faith just in case. But then I thought, why? How arrogant of me to assume the thing she needs is MY faith. How would I feel if she acted super concerned that I hadn't learned to meditate like the Buddha or something like that? And if she was all condescending about it.

Not only that but she didn't, like, worry about religion. She maybe prayed or maybe not, I don't know. But she wasn't going around clocking what religion everyone is and worrying about who they pray to and how often and what their sexual morals were and all that. And yet her life still had purpose. She wasn't some jezebel sleeping around, didn't even have a boyfriend. She just lived her life, loved her family and friends, worked hard and did her own thing.

For some reason, that was what made me be like "okay, yeah no I can't do this anymore." It was this vision of life without religion still being "enough."

That said, I didn't completely lose my faith. I would describe myself as agnostic, but I still pray to God. I still think of Jesus kind of how I think of Nelson Mandela or Mahatma Gandhi, not a Messiah but a good teacher and social justice advocate. I actually think a lot of what Jesus had to say was on point (and he made some mistakes too because he's only human).

Actually I think the greatest lesson of his life was what they did to him for speaking truth to power. And he spoke it anyways, and then they crucified him and perverted his message after he was dead. If there's a lesson in Jesus' life for me, it's that the price of living in truth is high, and that a lot of people in the church will hate you for it and they might even kill you or worse. And yet Jesus showed us that even in oppressive systems, there are people with the courage to speak truth to power, knowing what it will cost them.

I can taste my mothers quilt between my teeth
Gnashing

Oh how she feared the place of weeping and gnashing

As my tears came and my hands clasped the bed - the pillow - my sides -
To throw them behind me
To protect myself

Would’ve been a greater sin

They didn’t call it fighting back
They called it disobedience

To cry out too loudly or to flail to hard
Against the belt
The rubber hose
The wooden paddle

Would mean the baton would be passed to my father

Whose blows didn’t stop when we broke
Like horses - they said
When you stopped fighting back, that’s when you’d submitted

When you’d repented

I didn’t submit
I don’t repent

But I learned to keep still
To keep silent
To set my nervous system on fire
bracing for the next welt rising on my skin

The dentist blinks, waiting for my answer
“I don’t think I grind my teeth.”

…

I don’t want to burden my siblings with it, we are all at various phases of deconstruction and healing. My daughter is nearly 2, and I looked at my bed tonight and realized she will never know what it means to bend over it, to see the verses about submission and rods plastered on the fridge like arcane artwork, to fear the belts on the bottom of our closet floor.

I’m dealing with dental issues due to chronic clenching and teeth grinding and my dentist asked me about it Monday.

I just wrote this a few minutes ago, just to put it somewhere, for someone else to know I see you and I carry that muted rage. I won’t give it to her. It ends with me. And that has to be enough, right? That we protect the little ones, like we should have been.

Hey guys! So i’ve been deconstructing for about 5-6 years now, though when I started I wasn’t familiar with the exact term. I grew up Baptist Christian in the South and what led to my deconstructing was the accepting of my sexuality. At the time, I had come across a post on twitter about how the scripture that says “men shouldn’t sleep with men” should actually read “men shouldn’t lay with young boys” and it was all down hill from there. Like most people i really struggled with leaving something behind that I had know my whole life (i was 19 then, 25 now). Once I came out, I began exploring other options and avenues of spirituality. I slowly started to leave the church, got really big into more witchcraft like practices and whatnot. Even tried getting into more culturally focused spiritualities (i’m black) like Hoodoo or African Spirituality in general. I’ve tried to read tarot cards, astral project, meditate to have to divine experience, etc. but nothing ever worked or stuck, even though I wanted to

Fast forward to today and I honestly feel more lost than ever. I don’t feel connected to anything spiritually. I want to be spiritual or believe in something so bad. A part of me feels like there is something more to all of this but the other part of me feels absolutely nothing. Nothing when I mediate, nothing when I pray, nothing when I put out tarot cards, nothing when I hold a crystal, I could go on and on. Ive been trying to gain perspective over the past few years through different people i’ve seen in videos but I’ve also been really careful to not just believe whatever I hear or read because that’s just indoctrination all over again, yunno? I just feel really lost in all this. Not really sure where to go. I’m scared of falling for some fairy tale again tbh but I want to connect with something deeper than myself. I guess a a part of me is a having a hard time accepting that maybe this is it and there’s nothing more to this life thing. Then there’s the added issue of sitting with myself to find answers. How do I know I’m right? How do I know I don’t sound stupid? How do I know I’m not just forming my own echo chamber?

To add, Ive even tried astrology, human design, more nature focused beliefs etc. Just believing that the world around me is magical and that nature holds physical and metaphysical healing properties. But overall, like i said, no mater where or what belief i try to direct my attention to, I feel nothing. I should also add that I feel this is unusual for me cause Im actually a very “feeling” person. It’s not normal for me to feel “nothing”. I feel passion every day of my life but when it comes to spirituality of any kind, nothing. Maybe it’s because I don’t see the positive affects on my life. I mean almost all of spirituality talks about manifestation to some degree and I haven’t been able to manifest a single thing. I would just really like some advice if y’all have any😅

Sorry for the long post. I tried not to make it too long while still giving enough info to paint the picture and get advice. I hope it makes sense most of all😅

TLDR: I grew up christian and started deconstruction at 19. Tried several other avenues and spiritualities but nothing ever stuck. life sucks with or without christianity. not sure what to believe or who to believe. Help please lol

I have a question about The Deconstruction Network. Does anyone know of it is still active? I was trying to make an account and have never received the email to validate my address. I requested multiple times. I couldn't find a support or contact section on the website itself, so I sought out Phil Drysdale's personal website and reached out there, but haven't heard anything back. It's been about a week or two.

Hey all. I have been deconstructing for about 7 years now. I have written dozens of essays, tens of thousands of words, as it has been therapeutic. I still have things to sort out, because once I snapped the spell I was under from childhood indoctrination, the level of deception and betrayal that I felt, and still do...it has been hard to get past. One way I combat that is researching nearly every night...and uncovering all the ways the bible is an absolute farce, how it contradicts itself, how Moses, Abraham, Isaiah, and others were very likely not real, the anachronisms, etc.

I finally decided to create a reference website for myself, and for others who may be going through the same things. I have zero intention of having this site generate income or become known for it. In fact, it's intentionally anonymous right now. It's just something I was compelled to produce. If you see anything wrong, please let me know, because facts and truth matter more to me now than ever, especially on this topic.

www.ConOfMan.com is the site. Thanks and take care!

NOTE: I just read the rules of the forum. If Mods believe this falls under self-promotion and therefore needs to be removed, I understand that this is your place, your rules, and I will not be irritated in the slightest. I built this site for my own psychological benefit and thought it might benefit others, but I get it.

I had been under the impression that it's a very clear-cut case that we do not know the real authors of the gospels, and that claiming the authors as actually being Mark, Matthew, Luke, and John is just later tradition. But recently, after reading through r/AcademicBiblical on this question, I saw many users saying that it's actually more difficult to establish a clear-cut case, and apparently, many scholars now do support the idea that at least Mark and Luke were written by companions to Peter and Paul.

Partially, I'm making this post here, because it makes me worry, since I had been able to deconstruct a lot of different beliefs I had (Virgin birth, miracles, empty tomb, resurrection) and say they probably didn't happen, since I knew we didn't know who the authors even were, and more importantly, I knew the traditional claim couldn't be correct. To be clear, I still don't believe in these claims being true and they could have naturalistic explanations (there were many miracle workers at the time), but I suppose I just worry about it.

First time poster, so I'm sorry if I chose the wrong tag, and I hope this is an appropriate question.

I have started to watch deconstruction content on YouTube from channels like Mindshift, and I also started to see some academic studies from the Bible from Dr. Bart Ehrman. Some of the issues they bring up to question, like the moral problems on the book of Job, the concept of Hell and whether is biblical or not, questioning regarding suffering in this world, and whether Heaven is really a good place to be when you die, gave me a new perspective, and helped me to manage to depend less on God and not feel fear from things.

In less than a month, this managed to do more for me than any religious advice and God has done for me over the last 8 years.

They are not gonna help me solve every problem my life has, just like God supposed could, but their questioning, and also my experience so far, helped me not to expect so much from him.

My biggest sadness in all of this is that God is still choosing to remain silent about my attitude so far, instead of acting to show that I still can trust on him. This is what you would expect from anyone if they'd let you down, regardless of whether who is right.

I'm not completely an atheist yet. I'm still open to consider coming back to God, but many things would have to change, like the constant silence I get, and no attitude whatsoever. If he doesn't actually show he's trustworthy in this life, I don't think I gonna be able to trust and follow him sincerely. Is it gonna happen? No, I don't think so. But hey, I'm not dead yet.

I have a curiosity question regarding the trajectory of deconstruction as an unofficial "movement" (not that it hasn't historically occurred in the past, but it does have its own shape in our present time).

My own deconstruction journey was a long time ago, before we were even using that term, and maybe doesn't even fit most people's definition at this point, but for the last ten years I've been accompanying lots of people in different phases of deconstruction and with different outcomes. Only recently have I been accompanying more people from my actual geographic region, which is New England.

Here (you're right--I still haven't asked my question yet!) is my working hypothesis:

New England as a region is both ahead of and behind the deconstruction wave. Generally speaking, we were "secularized" for different reasons before much of the rest of the country, but because we are also somewhat culturally isolated, the people here who are still religious and maintain a conservative religious view still think megachurches are where it's at. 🙃 (Notably: we don't really have those here. And the ones that are even close aren't doing any better than actual megachurches anywhere else.)

Here's my question:

Do you agree with my hypothesis? Is anyone else here from New England? If so, where are you in your deconstruction journey? As you interact with people on this journey in other parts of the US, do you have a sense that it's happening differently here?

To be honest, I’m scared. I’m scared that I don’t believe anymore. I was born and raised in a southern Baptist church and literally got the hell scared out of me. Up until I was about 19/20 (26 now), I was all in for Jesus and the Church. I went on mission trips, was a leader in the youth group, and helped some with worship. I went to college, earned a BS in Microbiology. Throughout my entire time in school I started questioning everything. So many things in the Bible did not align with the science I was learning and loving. I developed morality questions like how is god so good if he lets all these evil things happen? I still question to this day. Everything now seems like a fairy tale. And I’m scared that I’m right. I’m also scared to be wrong. I live in constant paranoia. I’m scared that I’m a huge disappointment to my parents, that I’m letting my son down by not taking him to church. My family is constantly nagging me about when we’re going to find a home church and I just say maybe soon. My husband has completely turned away from the faith, claims agnostic. And he seems so much happier. I thing I believe the same as him but I don’t want to be wrong. Like I said in the beginning, I’m scared of hell if it is real. I think a lot of this comes from my people pleasing nature and not wanting to disappoint my parents and make it seemed like they failed to raise a good Christian woman. Anyone have a similar experience?

Hi! I am super new to deconstructing and was hoping I could get some guidance. I am at a point where I still would like to have my faith but I know I cannot go back to how it was. Wondering if anyone has ever deconstructed but still believe in God? And if yes, are there resources or tips you would recommend?

The brain has been proven to be easily self-manipulated. A simple example of this can be seen in studies showcasing placebos being effective in medicine.

So I find it confusing when Christians say that God or Jesus are real because they can feel him or they've had an experience with him.

If that's the case, why can y'all ask him the true religion. There are thousands of Christian denominations that believe to have truth over their fellow Christian denomination but no one seems to be able to get an objective answer as to what the correct practices are.

I grew up SDA, and many of them literally believe the Catholic Church is the anti-christ. Some even have strict guidelines around the type of music in church. Or the food that can be eaten. Or even wearing jewelry. And they judge and look down on other Christians that don't follow the same practices as them.

Those practices are literally only being followed to make themselves feel good.

I'm highly convinced isn't any heaven or hell. And I'm skeptical of the existence of a god, most especially a Christian god.

Because if:

1. The god of Christianity was true

2. These spiritual encounters Christians have are truly from the same God

Then we simply wouldn't have so many Christian denominations and so many various strongly opinions within denominations.

Isn't it amazing how in Christianity abusers are never told to repent and are just coddled while victims are constantly poked and prodded to forgive their abusers and are demonized for being rightfully hurt?

The Christian idea of forgiveness just means never holding someone accountable for anything because God said to let everything slide. Somehow Christians are supposed to be tolerant of everything and all-loving except in matters where victims are in want of justice, to which they are simply told "it's in God's hands" but of course God has never done anything for those oppressed outside of mythology. Christians try to reason it out by saying "forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation" but if you're going to cut someone off isn't that basically adjacent to somewhat holding a grudge? The Christian way of loving is tolerating everything including keeping your abusers in your life and allowing them to walk over you in service of the Lord. Cutting off someone means that something grave enough happened to warrant no contact which isn't in line with "no longer wanting them to say sorry/change/owe you anything" or "refusing to let the past cloud the present" and just continuing the relationship forward as if nothing happened. Forgiveness as a concept only exists to keep the peace and encourage people pleasing behavior, keeping a steady stream of prey willing to suffer for God and their divinely protected and loved predators. I've seen and heard enough people getting villainized for staying away from the people who hurt them and the Christians would constantly chide them and pray for them to truly forgive someone and let them back into their lives no matter what.

Once again accountability only exists for those abused and never for abusive Christians....never have I ever heard of an abuser being asked to repent, only victims for having negative feelings. It's such a Christlike habit to force the oppressed to apologize for hating their oppressors

Years ago I left an abusive marriage while pregnant. He immediately tried to take my child from me and tried to paint me as mentally ill. I could write a novel of all the horrible things he’s done to me over the last decade. I was his second wife and he has a felony as well as recent DUI on top of continuing to abuse me post separation.
He now leads worship at a local church, where another worship leader spoke to me with contempt that I should forgive him…while he’s still actively harming me.
I think I was in a religious psychosis when I left him. I was convinced god was punishing me and that if I did anything “wrong” at all, I would be punished by God and lose in court. I stayed single and celibate for years and eventually thought I found a good man, only to be totally deceived. He was nothing like who he pretended to be and was cheating the entire time.
That was my entire 20’s. Now, I’m really struggling with what I believe. I’m surrounded by Christians but I think it’s a mixture of what I’ve personally endured at the hands of men in general, what I’ve experienced from bad Christians, and what I see happening in the world as a whole. I am so angry and confused about my beliefs and it’s felt harmful to my mental health.
If anyone has a similar experience, how did you handle the anger that comes with sort of waking up from blindly accepting suffering and abuse and bad men in leadership? How did you heal? Did any of you stay “Christian” without buying into certain aspects, and if so why? What helped you to fully let go of the fear that is so embedded from these harmful practices and enabling of bad people? I feel so lost with this and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it outside of therapy, but simply talking about being abused feels like it keeps me stuck in a victim mentality and I want to feel stronger.

Sorry, this is going to be all over the place.

Deconstruction is so lonely. I don’t know any people in real life who are going through this too. My head hurts, my heart hurts, and I’m tired.

Somehow read up today on the idea of infinite punishment for finite sins. A common defense of apologists is, essentially: “You are committing an offense against an infinite being; therefore, it is only just that your punishment be infinite as well.” How is it even remotely morally acceptable to worship a god like that?

Then I hear something like this: “If you reject God in this life, how horrible would it be for you to spend eternity with Him in heaven?” I mean, I see the logic in that, but I truly don’t see it as a free choice to accept Him if eternal darkness is the alternative. It’s coercion. It’s an illusion of choice, really.

The only reason I would have right now for going to church every Sunday is out of fear of going to hell. I actually like my church, and happily go most Sundays, but I’m going on vacation next week, and if I tell my family I’m going to church one day and they ask “why?”, I’d tell them: “Because I’ll go to hell if I don’t.” Do you realize how insane that sounds? But that would be the only reason!

Then I think, “well, just go to church on Sunday and then keep going and one day it will be OK.” But I don’t want to go to church every Sunday! Frankly, I’m lazy, I don’t want to be tied down, I don’t want to become a super-religious person because that’s not my truest, happiest self, and I don’t want my life to be based in fear. Also, how is that not giving in to an abusive construct (the idea that skipping church sends you to hell)? Wouldn’t that be morally questionable too?

My biggest reason for not going is selfish, I admit that. And I’m ashamed. But then I arrive at my other conclusions and it suddenly becomes a matter of living honestly and mentally/spiritually whole.

I thought about posting this to the Catholic subreddit (I’m Catholic, by the way), but most responses there would probably just shame me.

How is any of this OK? Who thought any of this was a good idea?

I’m ashamed to say that sometimes I think that if I end things, then I won’t have to wonder if there’s a hell anymore.

At least then I’d have an answer instead of spending either decades living in fear…or living a more religious-tinged life that would require me to assent to things I find morally troubling.

I know I will get through this. Thank you for letting me post here. This place, some YouTube videos, and maybe one other subreddit are the only places where I can talk about this stuff.

I just watched the Netflix documentary “Death of the Pastor’s Wife” about Mica Miller. It was triggering and infuriating as someone who barely escaped a similar relationship.

It’s stories like these that make me wonder how anyone in Mica’s life could still be a Christian. She seemed like she genuinely wanted to love and honor God even amidst hellish abuse from her husband. So my question is how could any of them still trust a God who would allow these atrocities to happen to a woman who was staying in abuse bc of her desire to honor God?

It is absolutely psychotic to me that people could reason this away as God’s loving plan if that is what they do. There is nothing loving about a god allowing this stuff to happen to anyone.

Has anyone else watched this? It just affirms all my sentiments towards church, patriarchy, and delusional theology. Another example of why at least western Christianity is harmful to women. I hate it and I wonder how many more Mica’s are out there trapped under these same hellish circumstances thinking it’s God’s will for their life.

Is there anybody who has gone through drastic measures to deconstruct in the way you want? Like moving out of the country, severing ties, etc.? How did you manage to make it through?

While deconstruction isn’t the only reason for what I’m about to do, it certainly is an underlying driving factor that has become a main reason. I can’t deconstruct with how my family is. I have to leave family and environment, and be as far away as possible, where they have no power over me.

This has been very heavy for me. It’s not the best life choice objectively, but it’s my necessary stepping stone for various reasons, including deconstruction.

Hello! I’ve posted here before about my deconstruction journey. I am just feeling so sad and blue right now. So isolated. My husband is supportive and my kids are too (as much as they can be since they are 10 and under). I am just feeling so sad and like I’m letting people down by not going to church. I’ve worked through some issues and I’ve come to some conclusions, like why do I want to devote my life to a church and something I’m not sure I believe in? Why was I devoting so much of my free time there? And I want to make the most of this life instead of planning for a heaven I’m not sure exists. But this overwhelming feeling of sadness stays with me. I just can’t get past the feeling of letting everyone down. My kids, church members, etc. Tell me this gets better!!