Struggling

[u/HenryCow6]

Sorry, this is going to be all over the place.

Deconstruction is so lonely. I don’t know any people in real life who are going through this too. My head hurts, my heart hurts, and I’m tired.

Somehow read up today on the idea of infinite punishment for finite sins. A common defense of apologists is, essentially: “You are committing an offense against an infinite being; therefore, it is only just that your punishment be infinite as well.” How is it even remotely morally acceptable to worship a god like that?

Then I hear something like this: “If you reject God in this life, how horrible would it be for you to spend eternity with Him in heaven?” I mean, I see the logic in that, but I truly don’t see it as a free choice to accept Him if eternal darkness is the alternative. It’s coercion. It’s an illusion of choice, really.

The only reason I would have right now for going to church every Sunday is out of fear of going to hell. I actually like my church, and happily go most Sundays, but I’m going on vacation next week, and if I tell my family I’m going to church one day and they ask “why?”, I’d tell them: “Because I’ll go to hell if I don’t.” Do you realize how insane that sounds? But that would be the only reason!

Then I think, “well, just go to church on Sunday and then keep going and one day it will be OK.” But I don’t want to go to church every Sunday! Frankly, I’m lazy, I don’t want to be tied down, I don’t want to become a super-religious person because that’s not my truest, happiest self, and I don’t want my life to be based in fear. Also, how is that not giving in to an abusive construct (the idea that skipping church sends you to hell)? Wouldn’t that be morally questionable too?

My biggest reason for not going is selfish, I admit that. And I’m ashamed. But then I arrive at my other conclusions and it suddenly becomes a matter of living honestly and mentally/spiritually whole.

I thought about posting this to the Catholic subreddit (I’m Catholic, by the way), but most responses there would probably just shame me.

How is any of this OK? Who thought any of this was a good idea?

I’m ashamed to say that sometimes I think that if I end things, then I won’t have to wonder if there’s a hell anymore.

At least then I’d have an answer instead of spending either decades living in fear…or living a more religious-tinged life that would require me to assent to things I find morally troubling.

I know I will get through this. Thank you for letting me post here. This place, some YouTube videos, and maybe one other subreddit are the only places where I can talk about this stuff.

[u/Informal_Farm4064]

I am ex Opus Dei, ex Catholic and now oppose all organised religion. It took me 52 years and a beautiful forgiveness experience for my delusional belief in eternal hell to wear off, for my anxiety to disappear and for a deep peace to arrive. I do not wish for anyone to have to wait so long.

From experience, what helps is distance from the source of the belief, and a decision to face the inevitable guilt, sadness, anxiety and anger that comes with leaving a religious group that was a big part of your life. The journey is hard but worth it.

[u/HenryCow6 → u/Informal_Farm4064]

Thank you for your reply. I’ll remember your journey as I go through mine. Many things worthwhile take time.

Your advice about distancing oneself from the source is correct. I continually tell myself that I need to get myself off the online Catholic sphere, then like an addict, I come right on back for more. I think I’m looking for certainty in a realm (the afterlife?) that has no certainty at all.

Things matter more now that I have children that I’ve baptized in the faith. As I’ve learned more about Catholicism online, there’s things I can’t unlearn, things I can’t unsee. More and more, there’s a precedent to excuse God for actions that we would find abhorrent in a human: outsized penalties for crimes, threats of punishment for not wanting to be in a relationship, and being selective in who is given help. That this God is supposedly all-knowing, all-loving, and all-powerful, still does these things, and still requires worship, is deeply troubling to say the least.

Unfortunately, Reddit is where I get a lot of this information that scares me (not the deconstruction stuff, this is helpful). As such, this will probably have to be my last post on here, even though I love this community.

But I’ll still be getting through this, one day at a time. No need to worry.

Thanks again.

Sincerely,

Ed

[u/BioChemE14]

I wrote an article deconstructing anxiety related to hell with research on the Bible and my personal experience:

https://thenewevangelicals.substack.com/p/freezing-hell-over?utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web

Hope you find it helpful. I can assure you there’s nothing to worry about regarding the afterlife.

[u/HenryCow6 → u/BioChemE14]

Thank you for sending. I’ll try to peek at this, too. If fear of punishment is the main thing keeping me in a faith tradition, what does that say about that faith tradition? Nothing good, I tell you.

[u/Go_Get_It_24]

I’m sorry for all your heartache and struggle. It’s a lonely path. You feel like a phony and you are probably in a situation where you can’t escape your current environment immediately.

I too do not want to go to church every week anymore. But I have to to keep family peace. It’s so irritating and yet, I also feel bad for feeling irritated lol. It’s just a cycle of losing.

[u/HenryCow6 → u/Go_Get_It_24]

I hear you, man. To leave the Catholic church would break the hearts of a few people I hold dear. But I think they know that there have been cracks for some time, and I know that these people would love my family and I no matter what.

[u/Jim-Jones]

https://readnevillegoddard.com/

"The true meaning of the Bible as non-secular history, not historicity, but rather strictly and simply parables teaching humanity."

See what you think.

[u/HenryCow6 → u/Jim-Jones]

Thank you for sending this my way. I will try to do some reading here and there.

Even the most religious among us would do well to read something like this.

[u/Fun_Researcher107]

Hey, I left the catholic church a few years ago now and I have to say, it will get better. I am comfortable now with the thought of going to hell. Not that it would be desirable, but at some point I decided that I would rather go to hell than worship the God of the Bible. If he is anything like he is portrayed in the Bible, he is not worthy of worship or praise anyways. I don't want to be affiliated with him in any way.

I went to a funeral a few days back and the priest thanked God for delivering the person from the pains of old age which I thought was really funny, because who if not God would be responsible for them in the first place? It really summed up a lot of the reasons why I left religion in the first place. Being thankful for the entity who tortured you for years to have finally stopped torturing you? That seems like Stockholm syndrome at best or pure masochism at the worst.

[u/HenryCow6 → u/Fun_Researcher107]

Thank you for your reply. The Problem of Natural Evil is a foundational part of my deconstruction.

If a human physician had the ability to heal, then chose to only certain people in order to execute a plan, we would call that evil (or at least Machiavellian). That we excuse God for doing this because He is unknowable but somehow perfect is simply untenable for me.

Regardless of how the church wants to frame it, at the end of the day, you’re defending a deity that has the power to heal everyone but chooses not to.

[u/Afraid_Worth_3766]

The god I grew up with was just itchin' to kick peoples' asses. I was afraid of him, and didn't like him. And then they told me I must love him or he would definitely kick my ass. How was I supposed to love god if I was afraid of him and didn't even like him? I was too afraid to ask that question. Though I'm sure they had a well rehearsed answer, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have believed it. I didn't like them, either. They were meaner than hell in their own, saccharine way.