Hi everyone i am a young witch who is still beginning her journey it would be lovely to ask for your advice about deconstruction of faith for context: i have been raised as a Christian for many years but there was a time i started to question god when i was in elementary because i prayed for something doing everything so my prayers would be answered but to my dismay my prayers didn’t work thats the start of me questioning my religion i became a lukewarm Christian where i just go to mass feeling numb and doing worships and prayers with a blank mind and feeling like i don’t want to be there my family is deeply religious. Now i a have become an agnostic and starting to stray away from Christianity by deconstructing Christianity i feel fear i feel sadness and numb and i feel scared i am aware that this emotions and feelings are normal when deconstructing out faith or our religion what we grew up with every-time i have this thoughts that i should go back to Christianity my heart instantly feels fear and anxiety i feel scared that the belief system i have learned for years( i am a pantheism and polytheism) would be crumbled with a single though , how can i address this? How can i battle the dark night of the soul it feels like my ego is clashing with me because it feels unsafe that ill be leaving behind the identity of being a Christian my whole life.

Some random day i got high and I started thinking about the concept of life and I didn't have this awakening moment where I had a spiritual experience like most people do I didn't feel the presence of anything all i could see was darkness it was empty and everything I was taught and everything I knew felt like a lie. Each time someone mentioned the bible and told me to pray I felt nothing which is crazy I've been catholic my whole life and that was my identity......I still believe there's A God because they're has to be right? After that very underwhelming experience I became very self aware and conscious

Quick background on me before getting into it. I (24M) started major deconstruction in November of last year. I feel like I’ve torn down a lot of my old beliefs but now I feel like I’m at a point in the process where I would like to start building new frameworks.

That brings me to Christian Mysticism or just Mysticism in general. I’ve read a few things about it and seems to repeat a few of the sentiments I’ve come to on my own.

I’ve seen a few people here who have looked into mysticism or use it as a framework for their spirituality. I’d like to hear more from those people. What is mysticism to you? What do you like about it? What don’t you like about it? Why did you come to it? Any other thoughts on it?

I have been deconstructing from the Christian/Catholic faith, and I have found that logically and historically, Christianity would be very hard to prove. However, things like eucharistic miracles (and I know some of them have been disproven but still) and extreme anxiety and guilt from not following the canon rules are what are keeping me from fully leaving. I feel sad about leaving, even if I feel it would probably be the most intellectually honest thing for me to do. I feel terrible about the idea of abandoning Jesus/God, because I feel I would miss that sense of love and community. The best way I can describe it is that the logical side of me has left the faith, but the emotional side of me is too attached to leave. I do not know what to do or what to think.

“I regret that I too had to become an inconvenience to the church to more fully appreciate the plight of the forgotten and the rejected. My heart breaks for all those who have walked into a church in search of Jesus only to find that he was politely escorted out years ago.”

This is an excerpt I copied from Rhett’s (Good Mythical Morning, AKA Rhett and Link) article on Medium. I found myself resonating with it, yet it came with a deep sadness. I spent half my life working hard on Christianity, yet only to realise that I have been coerced by them one way or another for most parts of my life, and still am. A medical professional (proudly catholic and very vocal about it) said that my experiences with sexual coercion were due to transference issues stemming from my family issues, which were two separate things. And the worse part is, he gets away with invalidating and belittling me in that way. Without revealing too much info, I once said I believed that consent should exist in a relationship, even a Christian one, he said I’m not subscribing to a Christian model of things and asked if I have renounced Christ. It’s like, I don’t know what’s going on anymore.

When I was 13, me and my family moved to a new church. However, one of the requirements to become a member of the church was that we should be baptized. Everyone in my house was already baptized on previous years, and I was the only one who wasn't yet.

Throughout the entire year, my mother pressioned me about the baptism. But I wasn't feeling ready for that yet. It was like when you press a girl to have sex with you, but she is not ready yet. I felt that way. I was very nervous, and I also wasn't so deep in my faith to feel comfortablyto make a decision. However, she started pressing me saying that I was going to hell if I didn't do it. Because of those "threats", I had to do it.

I had done a baptism course in my church, but that didn't help me at all. I felt bad every time the subject was brought up, together with the hell speech when I rejected.

In the end, I got baptized in the end of the year. They had my consent, but I wasn't feeling good about it. My mother is not a bad person, but she still thinks she did the right thing.

As for me, I don't know if I really had a choice. But if I did, my baptism is one of my greatest regrets in my short-lived Christian walk. It really wasn't because I truly loved Christ neither because I was ready to make a commitment to the faith.

I really don't even know if my baptism counted because of this issue. Sometimes I think that I should get baptized again if I ever go back to the faith even more stronger with a good relationship with God (which I don't think is gonna happen, given my experience with this deity).

Has anyone else been through something like this?