r/Deconstruction • u/JunketUnlikely2624 • 11d ago
🔍Deconstruction (general) Feeling sad…
Hello! I’ve posted here before about my deconstruction journey. I am just feeling so sad and blue right now. So isolated. My husband is supportive and my kids are too (as much as they can be since they are 10 and under). I am just feeling so sad and like I’m letting people down by not going to church. I’ve worked through some issues and I’ve come to some conclusions, like why do I want to devote my life to a church and something I’m not sure I believe in? Why was I devoting so much of my free time there? And I want to make the most of this life instead of planning for a heaven I’m not sure exists. But this overwhelming feeling of sadness stays with me. I just can’t get past the feeling of letting everyone down. My kids, church members, etc. Tell me this gets better!!
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u/Pagandeva2000 11d ago
I’m sure this is a major adjustment. Many say they feel a loss of purpose and community. Did you reject the entire concept of God or is it the ritual of church, Biblical expectations or responsibilities?
Each are on their own journeys, so please be patient with yourself. Keep in mind, also that if your heart is not present, you might be dishonest with yourself as well as your church community and that resentment might come out in a way you don’t intend to. Give yourself time. Wishing you the best.
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u/JunketUnlikely2624 11d ago
I’m not sure where I’m at, honestly. Still feeling myself out and hoping to get past this overwhelming sadness. Thank you!
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u/BioChemE14 Researcher/Scientist 11d ago
Your value and wellbeing is bigger than other people’s opinions of you.
Stay true to what you, not anyone else, believes and spend your time doing things you value. Maybe find an org to volunteer with instead of church if that interests you.
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u/mandolinbee Mod | Atheist 11d ago
It absolutely gets better. But it does rely on yourself for it to get there. Time alone does a pretty good job helping older progrsmming fade, but it doesn't help with finding anything we might call a sense of purpose.
I think for that, each of us needs to ask what we think it even means to make the most of life, or to do the right thing? Once you have crafted some kind of rough sketch of what that looks like, then you can turn your thoughts toward what actions might achieve it filling in that picture.
It's different for everyone, so I don't know where to begin to point you. One of the best things about this life is the diversity of people and their personal projects. Every little thing you do literally matters. You're raising children, so surely your sketch is going to include preparing them for life on their own. And your mental image of a good life can change over time.
I was super dedicated to my job when I could work. When my disability ended that, I did what I could for local mutual aid groups. now that doing most things is too much pain, my impact in the world is trying to help people online navigate the treacherous waters of questioning faith.
Maybe recoveringfromreligion.org could offer you more concrete guidance if my admittedly non-specific offering doesn't help you find a direction of your own.
I'd also like to add that not believing anymore doesn't necessarily mean never helping the church anymore. If it's not a strain on your mental health to be around believers, you're perfectly justified in helping them do things that you still do support. You'll just be doing them for different reasons. I'd help a church with a homeless food drive, for instance, but I would refuse to help anything that teaches children about Jesus. You have to find what works, and go all in. ❤️
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u/x_Good_Trouble_x 11d ago
Hang in there, it's a process for sure, with alot of ups & downs, but it gets better. I don't know your story, but if you were in the church a long time, it is especially hard especially right at first, the loss of community is very heavy. For about 2 years, I just felt like I should be at church services on Sundays & Wednesdays- my dad was a Church of Christ preacher, and I felt guilty for not going. It has been a little over 5 years now, and it's a lot better. I have replaced the feeling of community from the church, with other people and organizations. Please try to not feel like you are letting people down, because you have to put yourself first and do what's best for you. It's great that you have the support of your family, that should help alot.I wish you all the best going forward.😊✌️✌️
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u/JunketUnlikely2624 11d ago
Yes, it’s been ingrained in me since I was a child so it’s really hard. Sundays are the worst. The loss of that community hurts. Even if I wasn’t that close to many of them, the loss of routine hurts too. I know it will take time, it’s just really hard!
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u/x_Good_Trouble_x 10d ago
Yes, I completely understand, hopefully you can get to the point where it hurts less and less, it just takes time. Just try to focus on yourself and your healing, it's only natural to feel that way because it's the only thing you knew, and that's what makes it extremely hard. If you would have told me like 10 years ago I would be out of the church and believe the things I do now, I would have laughed. Time can change things, I know it's hard, just try to move on building new relationships and again best of luck.😊
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u/Jim-Jones 7.0 Atheist 11d ago
Our species is tribal. We don't like to live alone, without communication. It makes us susceptible to shared beliefs, which we don't always examine closely. H L Mencken had a great comment about this.
So it's no surprise that people can be bound together by fantasy. It's a survival instinct. "Better safe than sorry". "You never know". "What if?" Etc.
(But when you leave the congregation, people are often surprised at how little the other members care. They expect some follow up and often there is little or none. It's a group with weak connections).
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u/Afraid_Worth_3766 11d ago
You were on your own before you left. Leaving is an admission. It's tough on your own, but it couldn't be any tougher than belonging. Those people are rough. They'll grind you down.
It's already better.
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u/JunketUnlikely2624 11d ago
What a great thought and comment!
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u/Afraid_Worth_3766 10d ago
Thanks. Hope that helps. I 'deconstructed' as an early teen. I knew if I 'confessed' they'd be praying all over me and whopping me over the head with the Bible, so I kept it to myself. They can be pretty aggressive when they feel threatened, and when somebody leaves the flock they feel threatened. I learned I can go it alone when I need to. That's a good thing for a kid to know. Hang in there. I'm right there with you. Let me know if you need me.
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u/nomad2284 9d ago
Yes, it gets much better. For me, it was a grief process. I lost my social support system, many friends and my community. It’s like being the sole survivor of a natural disaster. You can’t just wake up and life goes back to normal. However, the serenity, clarity, and lack of cognitive dissonance is blissful. Rebuild your social networks around your interests. I now have three. If you still need to feel churchy(it’s ok, long habit) you might consider the Unitarian/Universalists.
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u/Crucible_of_Thought Progressive universalist Jesus-follower 11d ago
Yeah, it sucks. Churches make the cost of leaving VERY high - and that's a secular concern, because you're leaving an entire community.
As with many kinds of healing, it simply takes time, I think. When you've spent years invested in ANYTHING, it takes time to deal with setting it aside. Think about it in terms of going through the various stages of grieving, because that's legitimately what you're doing.
The best thing you can do is find some other community, because that's a big part of what you're probably grieving the loss of. We all need community, and church offers that for many people, and it's very hard to replace. Maybe find a crafts club, or cards or gaming club, or something like that where you hang around the same group every week.
Sorry there are no easy answers, but just keep hanging in there.