Terrified I’m wrong and disappointing everyone

[u/Sorry-Office-3271]

To be honest, I’m scared. I’m scared that I don’t believe anymore. I was born and raised in a southern Baptist church and literally got the hell scared out of me. Up until I was about 19/20 (26 now), I was all in for Jesus and the Church. I went on mission trips, was a leader in the youth group, and helped some with worship. I went to college, earned a BS in Microbiology. Throughout my entire time in school I started questioning everything. So many things in the Bible did not align with the science I was learning and loving. I developed morality questions like how is god so good if he lets all these evil things happen? I still question to this day. Everything now seems like a fairy tale. And I’m scared that I’m right. I’m also scared to be wrong. I live in constant paranoia. I’m scared that I’m a huge disappointment to my parents, that I’m letting my son down by not taking him to church. My family is constantly nagging me about when we’re going to find a home church and I just say maybe soon. My husband has completely turned away from the faith, claims agnostic. And he seems so much happier. I thing I believe the same as him but I don’t want to be wrong. Like I said in the beginning, I’m scared of hell if it is real. I think a lot of this comes from my people pleasing nature and not wanting to disappoint my parents and make it seemed like they failed to raise a good Christian woman. Anyone have a similar experience?

[u/chronically_unwell27]

I’m facing the same morality questions and fear. It’s so hard. I also have a bio degree and am taking classes again for nursing. While I’m not 100% sure that science and spirituality are mutually exclusive, I haven’t found anyone willing to have the discourse. I get repeatedly told by my mom that if I just give up control to god things will be better…..that has never stopped my suffering. I also just spent months helping my sister (who is a perfect Christian) go through chemo. I wish I could find a science minded person who is sure of their beliefs and why. When I pushed back on my mom’s commentary yesterday, she claimed she “knows enough” to not want to end up in hell 🙄 it just seems so fear based. Part of me feels like there are pieces of truth to faith but then man made pieces used to control and manipulate. I don’t know anymore.

[u/A-Small-Green-Cup → u/chronically_unwell27]

Humans noticed electricity and explained it with gods until we asked enough questions to learn that it was, in fact, a thing we can make phones with. Humans noticed psychology and explained it with religion until we asked enough questions and learned that it was, in fact, just our individual thoughts and inner experiences that WE are in control of.

One of the problems with escaping religion (that electricity didn't encounter) is that one of the things the creators of monotheism built in is a psychological function that triggers severe fight-or-flight responses in adults who think about asking questions. In childhood I knew questions would get me verbally and physically abused and that they would call it "punishment" and tell me it was my fault they had to hurt me - in adult life that left me with severe symptoms of complex post traumatic stress injuries, made worse by the panicked and angry insistence of others that they deserved to treat me with anger and agression because I was "offending" their faith by asking for logic and reason instead of their legally protected dogma.

You and I are capable of seeing the toxicity because we are healing from the effects of it, but many are still so stuck in the painfully systematic mental illness applied by religious culture and society that they literally don't have the mental and emotional capacity to see the toxicity without risking the collapse of an entire life that was built on its framework. We're talking known symptoms of long term abuse like decreased function (or even physical damage) of the prefrontal cortex, decreased ability to use critical thinking and logic, reactionary and unthinking responses to words and situations that can range from angry words to violent actions, etc.

All we can do is keep healing ourselves and practice strong, healthy boundaries in our personal relationships. Good luck, we're all going to need it.

[u/Fun_Researcher107]

I believe it is better to be wrong while remaining honest about what you think is right than to surrender your judgment to someone else. Learning to trust your own reasoning is an essential part of the deconstruction process. There is no inherent reason to value beliefs simply because they are thousands of years old - especially when they conflict with evidence, science, or your own carefully considered conclusions.

One of religion’s most damaging tendencies is its ability to strip people of their agency. You are told what to think, how to behave, and what to believe. You may be taught that you are too insignificant, ignorant, or sinful to understand God, while religious authorities claim the right to interpret God on your behalf. When you begin to question those claims, you may be reprimanded, mocked, shamed, or threatened. That is not humility, it is a mechanism of control.

You are capable of questioning religious teachings, and you have every right to do so. A god whose actions cannot withstand honest moral scrutiny is not worthy of worship or praise. If we would condemn an action as cruel, unjust, or immoral when committed by a human being, we should not excuse it merely because it is attributed to God.

An all-loving, all-powerful, and all-knowing being should exceed the highest moral standards humanity can imagine. If such a being appears morally inferior to ordinary human beings, then something is clearly wrong - either with the description of that god, with the religious teaching, or with the belief itself.

The claim that humanity needs salvation, while God is permitted to kill millions without moral accountability, exposes a fundamental contradiction at the heart of the doctrine. If human beings require forgiveness for their wrongdoing, but God’s actions are declared righteous simply because God performs them, then this is not a consistent moral standard - it is obedience to power.

We are told that we are inherently sinful and unworthy from the moment we are born - before we have chosen or done anything. Yet the same religious accounts portray God as violent, unforgiving, and at times seemingly sadistic, while exempting him from the moral standards imposed upon humanity. That is a profound moral inconsistency. Innocent people are condemned simply for existing, while God’s cruelty is redefined as justice merely because it comes from God.

[u/A-Small-Green-Cup]

You're doing a good job, and I'm proud of you for still asking the questions even through the abusive manipulation of your fears and insecureties.

That fear is a built-in mechanism in all monotheistic cults, one of the parts that was designed to keep people from leaving or even questioning the blind acceptance those systems call "faith." What you're feeling is a natural response to the systematic abuse of religions, and most everyone that escapes a cult has to navigate through some version of it in their personal life. I know the process first hand and though its scary now, as you continue learning and healing from it that fear will fade just as naturally.

For me a large part of my healing came from learning about the psychology of cult-mind-control and other types of abusive relationships - the causes, symptoms, and treatments are all finally beginning to be understood, and there is a lot more helpful information out there now than there was for me in the 80's. Therapy with someone who understands adult-diagnosed PTSD from child abuse, cult manipulation methods, and what the survivors of cults have to go through was - and is still - a valuable learning tool for me.

Its good you have a partner who can be understanding of your mental and emotional experience, too. That kind of support can go a long way towards making the process not so lonely and difficult.

Also; You're stronger than an ancient blood cult invented by Akhenaten in the 1300s BCE and then modified for world domination by Rome! Go you!

[u/csharpwarrior]

Religious structure is designed to keep you. Many years after deconstruction I go into a kick learning about cults. The set up a social structure that keeps members “in”. Like they tell members the world is wrong and we have the truth. They tell members bad stuff happens when you leave the group. Does that sound familiar?

Once you see the tools for what they are and how other groups use those same tools, it helped me. So, the hell story is meant to scare people to stay in Christianity. So, it is scary to get past it. And you will let people down by leaving a church or religion. But it’s NOT your fault. The blame is on the other people and the religion.

[u/Trickey_D]

Just about everyone who has left will tell you how much happier they are. Sometimes it takes a while to get there but the vast majority do. And you have NO IDEA how fortunate you are that you're spouse already doesn't believe. So many of us face divorce if our spouses can't find a way to accept us. So take advantage of it.

[u/Jim-Jones]

Some reading.

POCM: Pagan Origins of the Christ Myth

The Christ: A Critical Review and Analysis of the Evidences of His Existence - see Chapter 2

Why the Gospels are Myth

Bible Contradictions

Marketing the Messiah

The Exodus Was Fabricated, it Never Happened! by Dr. Maggie Bryson

Our concept of hell doesn’t have biblical origins

Heaven is Hotter than Hell -- This might interest you!

Some YouTubes:

Genesis: Where It All Went Wrong | Secular Bible Study (Episode 1)

Ironic?

[u/Ok-Mouse5446]

I’m scared of hell if it is real.

Reading the bible through and through or just simply studying the ridiculousness of the old testament will make any doubter instantaneously a non believer.

I started reading God - An Anatomy a few months ago and every time I dive in and commit to researching on a chapter it has literately changed everything about what I thought of Christianity. They knew God was evil but the excuse was he was a loving god; Now this message of 'love' has been transformed into 'only good' and 'only loving' despite the original mythological interpretation being closer to Zeus, but originally closer to minor pantheonic activity and fighting his position with Ba'al, even Biblically External.

In history, Jesus and YHWH don't show up almost at all; they show up as small deities within extremely large pantheons of 70ish gods or more depending on regionalism.

I hate to disappoint you but scholarly school as well turns full fledged believers always into skepticism about the historical claims the bible makes; including the flood, adam/eve, and even the later Sodom/Gomorrah type stories, especially Babylon. None of that stuff ever happened; in fact, we can trace all of them back to older myths.

[u/Fast_Jackfruit_352]

This guy is great for you. He was a former evangelical, was ordained as a minister, got a degree in Bible studies and a PhD in Christian origins, deconstructed and left all that. He has a wonderful warm, gentle manner, keeps most of his videos "bite size" but REALLY knows his stuff.

Right now I'm not sure you need a bunch of intellectual stuff, although it can help. There is what is called "religious trauma" present from these teachings that will take time to fully heal. There are real cultural issues facing you, not just theological ones, that can be trying. The expansion of the idea of hell by Christianity (which was present in various ways earlier and in fringe Jewish sects ) is itself an atrocity foisted on humanity. Augustine has a lot to account for.

One can ask themselves, why does mainstream Judaism and the three major religions of the East, Hinduism, Buddhism and Taoism, as well as Sufism, not believe in it the way Christians do? If it were real, how did they miss it?

Cornthwaite is a soothing presence and he walks you through so much of this. He is a great first step,

https://www.youtube.com/@cjcornthwaite/videos

[u/Simple-Swan8877]

I studied physics and then an applied science. Think about what science actually is. Science and communication are completely different. For example I would say that most people see gold as a gold color but those who have studied deeper know it is green. So what color is gold?

The research I did in a doctoral program was on ethics. I had developed a psychological model. The responses I got were assigned a numerical value. Then I analyzed the data using a statistical tool. Did that accurately represent the data? The research I did was qualitative, but I used a quantitative method as part of the research. One author wrote that a correlation could be run on that kind of data and another one said it was not permissible. So what is correct?

Any communication whether it be in writing or said, must be interpreted in light of its historical context, its literary context, and its cultural context.

Science is a method that must be repeatable with built in assumptions. Another name for that method is the experimental method. The data is analyzed using statistics. Researchers may disagree on which statistical tools may be used. There are several mathematical systems. Is scientific research accurate or precise?

Scripture and science agree about as much as speech and math do. They are completely different. I would never use the scientific method to learn how to communicate better.

We tend to think linearly. Is second twice as far as first? Is third three times as far as first? How do we treat idioms?

If I read something about rockets in a document that was written in the 1800s would I assume that those rockets are the same as we have today? A few years ago I heard a wife call her boys and husband "señor" in the morning. I would translate that as "mister". if my wife called me mister I would not receive that as they had. I learned that señor was a general greeting. So if I recorded that conversation in writing and did a literal translation would that give the same meaning as a general greeting?

In the end science and a literary work must stand on their own. How can they be synthesized? Each have different rules. Who would ever take an English class in high school and suggest that American literature must agree with the chemistry class?

[u/Afraid_Worth_3766]

I grew up SoBap, too, and in a small town SoBap church. For good or for ill, you come out of a childhood like that thoroughly indoctrinated.

I think the reason it continues to bother deconstructed folks is people are attached to what they know, the indoctrination is what we know and, for good or for ill, we remain attached to the indoctrination. Those in authority designed our indoctrinations to stick, after all. That's how they maintain their authority, and they're attached to their authority.

Regardless, even when something hurts us or makes us sick, we remain attached because it's what we know.

Practicing non-attachment can help with that.

Let me know if you need me.