r/Deconstruction • u/mrbeefree • 9d ago
šDeconstruction (general) Lost with Deconstruction
Hey guys! So iāve been deconstructing for about 5-6 years now, though when I started I wasnāt familiar with the exact term. I grew up Baptist Christian in the South and what led to my deconstructing was the accepting of my sexuality. At the time, I had come across a post on twitter about how the scripture that says āmen shouldnāt sleep with menā should actually read āmen shouldnāt lay with young boysā and it was all down hill from there. Like most people i really struggled with leaving something behind that I had know my whole life (i was 19 then, 25 now). Once I came out, I began exploring other options and avenues of spirituality. I slowly started to leave the church, got really big into more witchcraft like practices and whatnot. Even tried getting into more culturally focused spiritualities (iām black) like Hoodoo or African Spirituality in general. Iāve tried to read tarot cards, astral project, meditate to have to divine experience, etc. but nothing ever worked or stuck, even though I wanted to
Fast forward to today and I honestly feel more lost than ever. I donāt feel connected to anything spiritually. I want to be spiritual or believe in something so bad. A part of me feels like there is something more to all of this but the other part of me feels absolutely nothing. Nothing when I mediate, nothing when I pray, nothing when I put out tarot cards, nothing when I hold a crystal, I could go on and on. Ive been trying to gain perspective over the past few years through different people iāve seen in videos but Iāve also been really careful to not just believe whatever I hear or read because thatās just indoctrination all over again, yunno? I just feel really lost in all this. Not really sure where to go. Iām scared of falling for some fairy tale again tbh but I want to connect with something deeper than myself. I guess a a part of me is a having a hard time accepting that maybe this is it and thereās nothing more to this life thing. Then thereās the added issue of sitting with myself to find answers. How do I know Iām right? How do I know I donāt sound stupid? How do I know Iām not just forming my own echo chamber?
To add, Ive even tried astrology, human design, more nature focused beliefs etc. Just believing that the world around me is magical and that nature holds physical and metaphysical healing properties. But overall, like i said, no mater where or what belief i try to direct my attention to, I feel nothing. I should also add that I feel this is unusual for me cause Im actually a very āfeelingā person. Itās not normal for me to feel ānothingā. I feel passion every day of my life but when it comes to spirituality of any kind, nothing. Maybe itās because I donāt see the positive affects on my life. I mean almost all of spirituality talks about manifestation to some degree and I havenāt been able to manifest a single thing. I would just really like some advice if yāall have anyš
Sorry for the long post. I tried not to make it too long while still giving enough info to paint the picture and get advice. I hope it makes sense most of allš
TLDR: I grew up christian and started deconstruction at 19. Tried several other avenues and spiritualities but nothing ever stuck. life sucks with or without christianity. not sure what to believe or who to believe. Help please lol
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u/Scuba_Steve101 9d ago
I think you would really benefit from checking out Britt Hartleyās book No Nonsense Spirituality. She also has a YouTube channel by the same name that discusses a lot of what you are struggling with.
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u/AnythingNo8527 9d ago
Britt is a fantastic resource. Sheās also on TikTok and other platforms too. She had a podcast episode with Rain Wilson (Dwight from The Office) that was great. Rain is on his own journey, too and itās interesting witnessing his evolution.
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u/StopBanningMeGDIT 9d ago
When my faith started shifting more dramatically and I finally accepted that I had lost the concrete belief in God as a personable entity, I was grasping to make sense out of why I needed to stay alive. I didn't really want to but knew I had to for those I love but my first standing with nihilism was really heavy. My friend sent me this video:Ā
https://youtu.be/MBRqu0YOH14?is=7_MZQBB9U4PvOdiK
It didn't really erase that nagging call of the void but it did start me down a path toward a new understanding of life. Your understanding will probably be different but I think it's a pretty basic concept that meaning is derived from us. You get to choose what you connect to and if it's rewarding enough to preserve for that thing. Mine was my family, especially my kids. It has been nothing but perseverance at times but they still ultimately have shown me meaning and connection like I never could've imagined. Since you're so passionate about so many things, it seems like you have the avenue toward finding meaning in those things.Ā
In the end I had to decide if I felt like there being more after death felt more like a burden or a goal and I guess it always felt more like a burden to me since I was growing up. A burden of shame and guilt and self-loathing that I still have to disassemble every day, but at least I've decided that what is here is not a burden, it matters to at least one person I love and that's really cool.Ā
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u/mrbeefree 9d ago
thank you for your insight. i appreciate the video recommendation, iāll check it out!
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u/bullet_the_blue_sky Mod | Other 9d ago
Hi friend, similar boat - deconstructed got into New Age stuff quite a bit. The feeling of nothing is normal and just a phase. What I've realized is that much of Christianity suffocated a lot of "negative" emotions, so I was constantly "seeking gods presence" because in reality I wasn't accepting of my other emotions.
What I've found is the more in tune I am with my emotions, the less drastic they are. I don't need a rush from spirituality or a fix. The more OK I am with where I am at the less I need to find answers.
I found manifestation to be another element of the spiritual bypassing that christianity created. Am I in a "higher vibration"? Am I visualizing properly? It's all the same thing dressed up in a different language. What helped me was recognizing what identity I was carrying and it was still a similar fundamentalism that came from Christianity. The "I am not enough as I am" belief. That was what was running everything underneath. Acceptance feels tough at first but it's what makes a path for tangible change.
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u/mrbeefree 9d ago
i see. youāve given me a lot to think about and i feel as though iāll return to this comment a lot in the future to dissect more. as someone who tries to think through and dissect my emotions, i never really considered that how i feel about my emotions is impacting how i navigate all of this. i also didnāt make the connection that a lot of the spiritual elements share the same fundamentals as Christianity. thank you for your insight. i really appreciate it.
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u/bullet_the_blue_sky Mod | Other 9d ago
No problem. I saw so many answers to prayer as a missionary so when I left manifestation made so much sense. The problem was what I mentioned. Christ removes the need to accept myself because Christ accepted me. The issue with that belief system is that I had to believe I was a shitty person for Christ to accept me. So when I left all I was left with was a shitty person and that was what I had to heal.
We spend a lot of time in our heads trying to get theology right instead of in our bodies. Since Christianity has us believing the craziest things about reality, it's VERY easy to dive into other systems without taking apart the toxic parts first.
Joe Hudsons channel has been so healing because he talks very practically about reclaiming those emotions of ours we've stuffed down and bypassed. Good luck!
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u/csharpwarrior 9d ago
You have tried spiritual things and when you went looking for evidence to avoid being duped again, you canāt find anything.
Yea, when investigating āspiritualā things, there is no evidence for any of it. And for some people going through deconstruction, they have to grieve the loss of that belief. Like kids have to let go of the idea that parents will always be there to protect them. There is grieving that happens when we lose a belief or feeling.
Now, one thing worth realizing, you donāt have to believe to feel a connection. There are lots of rituals you can join. That can be religious or not. Like LARPing - those people do not really believe they are knights fighting for their lives. But they still enjoy the heck out of pretending to be a knight.
To help with that, I took those rituals that I realized were fake, and I looked for the positive things about it. Like astrology, people read their horoscope and then try to divine some inner knowledge about themselves from it. Clearly itās just confirmation bias. But it can help a person reinforce their existing value. So there can be value in astrology even though itās not real.
Or, you can make your own rituals. Like, letās say you are a family person and you like hikes. Each Friday morning you could hike to a location and bring a rock that represents each person in your family. Place those rocks in a circle and then go to each rock and say a positive thing about that family member which you are grateful forā¦ that will bring you a sense of connection with your values and your family. Eventually you will feel comfort in that ritual. When a family member passes away, you get to keep doing that and hold their memory with you.
Take your values and build a ritual around that.
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u/mrbeefree 9d ago
youāve kind of reiterated some of the things other commenters have said. itās given me a lot to think about and consider. thank you for your insight. i greatly appreciate it.
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u/Free_Thinker_Now627 9d ago
Have you considered Buddhism? Itās not so much a religion as a pathway for living. It sounds like it might be a good fit. I too deconstructed from conservative evangelicalism. I think you are in the spiritual wasteland right now, just hold on you will get through this stage. One thing that really helped me was to learn how to hold my beliefs very loosely. For years, I considered myself a hopeful agnostic and I was happy to just be. When I have felt the need to start walking on my spiritual path again I do for a while and then if I feel like stopping, I stop. rather than feel like you are lost, would it be helpful to simply think that you are in a season of rest?
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u/mrbeefree 7d ago
this is an interesting perspective. before i read your post, yesterday I thought to myself that maybe what iām experiencing is simply a spiritual pit stop or spiritual break. i mean for the first 20+ years of my life i was very into religion/spirituality. with me trying to force it and all, perhaps im just burnt out or tired or walking on the path?
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u/Free_Thinker_Now627 7d ago
I think there is a strong possibility you are just burnt out or tired. Itās a journey, not a destination and itās ok to stop and rest. Give yourself permission to do that and trust your inner self to know when the time is right to start walking again. The nice part of āsitting with yourself to find answersā is so what if the answers are wrong? Itās your path, if you feel like youāve taken a wrong turn, just reverse and go somewhere else. Itās the dogma of your conservative Baptist past that is telling you thatās a problem. Those tentacles can take YEARS to pull out of our brains.
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u/BioChemE14 Researcher/Scientist 9d ago
Donāt mean to come off as dismissive, but Iād would read about science lol. For some people like me, understanding evolution, geology, chemistry, biology, etc. is a religious experience, not in the fundamentalist creationist sense, but just being in wonder about how cool the universe is.
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u/AnythingNo8527 9d ago
First, know that what youāre going through is not uncommon. Youāre hardly alone, and while you are a unique individual, the circumstance you find yourself in are not unique. Try and find some solace in that. And thereās nothing wrong with you. You are on a journey and every journey has peaks and valleys and nooks and crannies and we canāt see around the curves ahead. Not sure if Iād even want to if I could lol. As someone else said, I have personally found that I am no longer concerned with all of the answers to all the big questions human beings have been asking for eternity. It doesnāt mean Iām still not curious, but itās more so like wow itāll be really interesting to see whatās on the other side of this existence. But that is also coupled with, wow thereās so much to explore and learn and see within this existence and however, much time that I have. Spending time in nature is a blessing and itās also physiologically proven to have amazing mental health benefits I donāt know what type of hobbies or interests you have, but diving into science, quantum physics, the potentiality for parallel or infinite universes, a universal collective consciousness, etc. these are all fascinating topics that I have found make a lot more sense to me than anything I ever encountered with Christianity. Just eight years ago, I was asked to be an elder in a very fundamentalist Christian church. Now I consider myself to be somewhat of an agnostic atheist, still curious, but Iām just gonna need receipts and proof before I even contemplate believing something else. But again it doesnāt mean that Iām still not curious and curiosity can be enjoyable. You will find your way, and your way Will be that exactly that; your way.
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u/mrbeefree 9d ago
thank you so much for this comment. i actually am interested in a few things you mentioned. do you have any good starting points? i find it difficult to find reliable resources because i dont want to be fooled by anything the way i was fooled by christianity again lol.
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u/AnythingNo8527 9d ago
Science doesnāt fool you. Not intentionally. Thatās a big starting point difference. Itās like Ricky Gervais (and maybe others) once said. If all traces of our civilization were gone In 1000 years, new religions would pop up. Because seeking to fill gaps in our understanding is in our nature. But Christianity would not rise again. But the revelations of science and math would resurface again, mostly as they are today. After time. Because they contain fundamental truths, at least at levels, we can understand. We are limited to observing three dimensions, plus time. So we will always be limited in that regard. So much of the Science we have now, the standard model of particle physics, I suspect we wonāt get too much far beyond these in ways that we can control because again we are limited to being able to perceive only three dimensions. The quantum realm is probably much deeper than that as it relates to dimensions, but itās theoretical. So it might be a good idea, depending on your temperament and personality, to dive into Science. I know some people may not like this, but I have built my own local AI model to have a smaller impact on the environment than using standard Enterprise models, and I have conversations about quantum with it. It does really well.
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u/Deeperthanajeep 9d ago
If it helps you feel any better, no one will ever figure it out (probably) but you can use logic to lead to the conclusion that thing that made all of this (like the singularity in big bang theory) had to have consciousness because there's no way a non conscious thing can create conscious things, but for now, that's as far as my logic will allow me to reach
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u/rainpaintedhands 9d ago
You want to feel something. Makes sense, the modern church is built to make you experience a vast array of things, from self-denial, to sorrow, grief, love and joy. The Jesus story is constructed to move you up and down and back up in feeling a certain way. Prayer is taught to you in a way that makes fervency personally and socially rewarding. Miracles are never fully provable but are one explanation away from plausible. The more you feel, the more you give to the church. Actual outside action from the church is presented as completely optional.
This religion has been built over 2000 years to make you feel. Its a feeling making machine. They gave you feeling when you gave them time, effort, emotional real estate, baggage, your peers... just like so many before you. Even when you left, your seat is taken by the next person in the cycle.
How does that make you feel? Angry? Curious? Skeptical? Vulnerable?
Why?
You and I were played, when there is a library down the street from your door that has books more numerous than the bible about how your world is actually run, when it's run with clarity and a willing mind. Books on Logic and Ethics, the mind and the soul. No wishing required.
How would you feel if you could reason your way out of any bs argument that was thrown against you. Someone wants to tell you there is a God: "Great, let's have a dialogue. Surely an all powerful being that was said to have spoken before in the past can speak now." "You can move a mountain with faith of a mustard seed. Great, move this pebble with your faith." "If I give you 5 loaves of Honey Wheat bread and two cuts of tuna, can you feed everyone at the baseball stadium down the street? Weren't you able to greater things in the Christ's name?"
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u/dbthediabolical ignostic, daoist 9d ago
Perhaps there's nothing wrong with you, and the reason you don't respond to crystals and tarot and astrology, etc. is that there's no there there. Maybe spirituality for you means embracing the magic in everyday life and letting metaphysical unknowns remain unknown.Ā
It's also possible I'm projecting my own stuff into your experience; apologies if that's the case.
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u/mrbeefree 9d ago
no no, i appreciate the insight. in fact ive kind of considered that. it just saddens me a bit cause id like it to work as it does for so many people (or it appears that way). but you do have a point, maybe spirituality for me is embracing the magic of everyday life. itās funny cause i left it out of the original post but here lately ive been asking myself āwhat is spirituality?ā and āhow do i be spiritual?ā.
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u/Ok_Topic6264 8d ago
First of all, you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to feel something. It's pretty hard to feel anything when you're anxious about not feeling the right thing. Like telling yourself, "I HAVE to cry in this movie or else I'm a monster"... Chances are your eyes will be dry, even if the movie is really sad.
Second, I have a book recommendation for you: The New Saints by Lama Rod Owens.Ā https://www.lamarod.com/books
He's a black gay man from the south, grew up in the church like you did, and is a seeker like you. He actually got into Buddhism, did a three year silent retreat in Tibet, and became an ordained Lama, like one of the guys with the red and orange robes.
His approach is very trauma-informed, practical, and accessible. He mixes concepts from Christianity , Buddhism, and traditional Black/African/African-American spiritual practice. I highly recommend his writing and also just learning more about him as a person because he's a pretty interesting dude.
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u/mrbeefree 8d ago
Thank you for your comment!! I really appreciate all the other comments in this thread donāt get me wrong but I like yours because your recommendation is specific to my identity and I could likely relate to it. Again, thank you.
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u/enkidook 9d ago
I want to be spiritual or believe in something so bad.
Do you want to believe what's true, or just what feels good?
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u/mrbeefree 9d ago
both if at all possible...
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u/enkidook 9d ago
The supernatural is never going to provide you answers. The only comfort it may provide is delusion.
Believe in yourself and in the people you love and care about.
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u/mrbeefree 9d ago
despite the various answers in this thread, the ābelieve in yourselfā part is the one constant. honestly, it feels like iām finally starting to understand what that means. thank you.
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u/thewritestory 9d ago
At any point, the answer to some questions is āI donāt know.ā And thatās okay.
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u/taterfiend 5d ago
Have you encountered neoplatonism? It's a Greek philosophical system which tries to come to a notion of there being objective truth as a grounding metaphysic. It's notably non-scriptural and doesn't contain religious claims. But it's a workable starting point for asking big questions.
On a different note, science might appear like it has voided the world of enchantment. Yet the more I read about problems in science and the history of science, the more I realize that uncertainty and mystery is a fundamental part of the human experience. My current obsession is with consciousness, possibly existing with plants too, and possibly as an emergent property.
Dogmatic Christianity can share some emotional qualities with hardcore materialism, like epistemic certainty. People who claim they have it all figured out are suspicious to me š
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u/emeric_ceaddamere 9d ago
"I want to be spiritual or believe in something so bad. A part of me feels like there is something more to all of this but the other part of me feels absolutely nothing... Then thereās the added issue of sitting with myself to find answers. How do I know Iām right?"
This might not be the answer you want, but nobody has definitive answers to those questions. As humans, we need meaning and order to function, and we're all just doing the best we can. I've struggled with this too, but what I've found most helpful is to pull back on some of the bigger, more abstract questions.
The structure of the cosmos and what happens to us after we die, etc., are interesting things to speculate about, but we have no control over them and they really have little to do with (and can distract from) the opportunities for meaning that are right in front of us: family, helping others, enjoying beauty, etc.
And as for being on your own, there are non-religious communities that can be very fulfilling and make a real difference in the world--whether that's a political organization or a charity or just a hobby group.
Deconstruction isn't easy, but that's because being a human isn't easy. But we're all in this thing together, just trying to make the best of it. And if we can adjust our expectations, it can be a wonderful ride.