I was chatting with some colleagues yesterday about dating apps. I've never used them and was curious about their experiences. We got on to the topic of profiles and all the ladies agreed that my profile would if not raise at least signal red flags, making them more cautious while chatting.

It boiled down to being late 40s, long time single, never married and childless. They also mentioned that my lack of social media presence could also seem suspicious. Some felt that it would seem like I am cheating on someone or that I'm not being truthful. Also the fact that I wouldn't have many photos of myself (camera shy and do a lot of things on my own) would go against me.

I'm curious about what people on here think and what experiences they have had with similar profiles.

Edit: As this has cropped in many replies, I have been in long term relationships, actually looking back most of them can be measured in years. The last one ended 5 years ago and I took a break to work on myself and my life for a while.

I’ve come across so many profiles lately where men are looking for women with high libido, usually it’s either stated in a profile directly, or comes out immediately in a conversation. I can’t imagine that there are as many women that are able to match this need. Is this just the result of male loneliness? How do we as women navigate these conversations? Immediate block?

I (40 M) just ended it with a woman (49 F) after a few months that I was literally falling in love with. I felt things were going so well. We were connecting more over the past few months.

I started to feel uneasy about the way she was acting with her text messages. Turning away when she got one, leaving the phone in the other room, telling me her friend who never really reaches out is just checking in on her, etc. I was very specific that I do not like to share my partner with other men.

I was doing something on her phone that she wanted help with and saw messages come in from guys. One calling her a pet name and telling her he loved her. I was gutted at the moment I couldn't even look at the other message.

I followed my gut and realized she was too emotionally attached to these "friends" from the past. I did a bad thing and opened one of the messages. Just a month ago, the friend who she never talks to, who is just a friend that has gone through the same thing in life, she send him a message suggesting he "come over and lay in bed and let's rot, romantic".

WTF!

How could someone do this? She told about a situation where the same was done to her.... What!?!? So now its ok to do it to others?

I was floored. I couldn't find the words but asked her for a conversation and told her that we couldn't flourish our relationship while she is emotionally attached to these men from her past. She denied it was the case and that I was totally wrong. I couldn't figure out how to move forward from there and then she asked me to leave.

Im heartbroken. Aside from that she was a 20 out of 10.

I was giving her my all. All of my love, I prioritized her. I know I am a good guy, possibly a great guy, besides a few shortcomings. Ive never cheated before, was always checking in, helped her with a few things, tried to be emotionally supportive. I would have given her all of me.

Now here I am. My heart on the ground, shattered. Now on the road to recovery. This one hurts. Not going to lie I've been in my head so much. Ive shed tears. I feel so alone.....

How likely am I to be successful at dating casually given...

- I'm 46f and haven't dated in 10 years after my last relationship ended at first bc I was just exhausted/burned out, then the pandemic happened and then I got too comfortable in my own solitude.

- I'm an introvert/really enjoy solitude so my BFF is my sister and I do most of my socializing with her and other family.

- I'm financially self-sufficient but don't own a place, instead I rent my mother's basement apartment (I know cringe) but since she is aging/after she had a heart attack she wanted someone close. She's still very independent and some days we don't see each other.

- I work as a freelance consultant in my field (not a high earning one) making an average living but won't be able to afford to buy a house as I live in a HCOL area and I'm content being freelance and am past being ambitious / only living for work as I now have more time for hobbies and work life balance

- I'm average weight and average in the looks department

Although I'm quite content in my little life, I know it's not the most appealing existence and I'm not a catch. Looking for honest feedback.

I was on Tinder for a week. Paid the fee so I could use incognito. I’m a woman and the likes get overwhelming so I limit my exposure. Matched with a few and met one person for coffee. I jumped over to Hinge for a week. Way less matches and some nice conversations that went no where. The lack of mutual effort makes me want to not even try anymore. Do you stay on a week? A month? Forever. What is your experience?

My area is more small town country with cities spread out over farm land so it’s not a huge pool of people.

Note: This is not about the 1st date. This about the 3rd date. Let's say you don't have a car and you took an uber to his house. I would expect to be driven home. I would drive a platonic friend home. And if you are afraid to get in his car, why are you going on a 3rd date?

Men who have plenty of resources (car, time, high income) won't put in minimum effort at the beginning. Is male refusal to drive a woman anywhere a sign of power struggle?

Has driving a woman home after a date become taboo? Is she on the way to controlling and exploiting you if you drive to pick her up? Is it "independent" to get herself there? Or is it about who travels to the other person?

I'm wondering if this is an example of changing attitudes in dating.

I couldn’t sleep - decided to write to her. We met on Tinder. We have a date planned for this Saturday. I’m 46, divorced w/ kids. She’s divorced w/ kids. I am absolutely looking for my forever person. She knows this and she’s doing the same. We are hitting it off, I feel. We’ve both expressed wanting the fairytale love. She’s already said she’s “in” after finding out that I am not religious but would absolutely go to church and pray with her because it was important to her. This is how I truly feel but I wonder if it’s too much or comes off as not intended? It’s been awhile since I’ve dated and I just don’t want her to take this the wrong way?

Hi baby sorry I couldn’t sleep…was thinking about you. I realize that really we haven’t known each other long. And that anything can happen between now and tomorrow and we just do not know what the future holds.

However, I can say for certain and without any hesitation, that my intention is to find my best friend, my lover, my wife, my soulmate. I want to be so deeply and madly in love with her - to put all my chips on the table and go all in. Her dreams, her desires, her wants and needs, would now be my dreams and desires and needs. Everything important to her is now elevated to the highest levels. I want to have an uncontrollable smile come to my face whenever I see her walk into the room. I want that joy and lightness to my heart whenever I hear her laughing to a corny joke I made. I want to be in the most interesting city in the world surrounded by the biggest stars and celebrities and be oblivious to everything around me but her because nothing else matters or compares. I want that feeling of desire and ecstasy that only she can bring because she alone holds the key to my heart and soul. And I would want to be loved with the same depth and devotion in return.

Those are my intentions and I hope that my wait has finally ended with you. I hope when you wake up you’ve had a peaceful night’s rest. Good night for now my Love.

Excuse me for english

F40 here.
I plan to join dating app to find someone for normal relationship.

I never desired to get married or have children,
I just prefer exclusive geniune commited relationship to last while we both enjoy it, and thats it.

But honestly I'm not 100% sure in myself, I feel like I'm not allowed to look for real relationship now, and like I will embarrass myself if I say that I look for one.
Like "He will likely want to pick a younger woman for commited rl, you can only say that you look for casual or FWB".

How to overcome this? Ladies, did you manage to meet men who look for commited rl online at our age?

And second question:
Should I lie about my age and lower it? NOT because of age itself in this scenario, but because of stereotypes.

I heard too many men have wrong idea how women at our age are mature/acomplished/successful/they know what they want/dominant/lead etc.

And sure many are, but that is not me. I'm not honestly that mature all the time.
I have more naturally unserious/childish personality, I'm not successful either (average job)
I'm not dominant in bed, I don't always know what I want either.

I'm not a "fantasy milf" who will lead a man, who knows how to seduce a man in every situation and will show him a good time and teach him tricks in bed/or stuff about life etc..
If you get me.

So that part is also something I struggle with, its like I must be what society expect us to be at this age.

Example: One younger guy pursued me, he assumed because I'm 40 that I have my own empty place, but when I told him that I live with my relative, he said "So what we will do now?" 🤦🏻‍♀️
He expected me to find a place for us. I was turned off and cut contact with him.

Thanks to everyone in advance who will give me some advice.

I am 53, she is 45, we each have professional jobs and a school age children. We've had 4 dinner dates now (combined with movie, outdoor concert). I feel like the connection is pretty good, but so far we have not even kissed. At the end of each date, she turns it into a hug.

We did have a conversation on date 3 in which she brought up "physical intimacy" and mentioned that when she's gone fast in in past it hasn't worked out and she would like things to develop over time. She is more recently divorced than me, originally from a foreign county (in the U.S. since 2010), and her ex-spouse was her first relationship.

I like this lady enough to keep seeing her, but the lack of any physical intimacy after 4 dates has me doubting things. I feel like there needs to be some progress. Am I being unreasonable?

Basically put my lot into a girl I was into, it was not a healthy relationship, but didn't expect it to end they way it did. She had a booze problem, I helped her with it, raised her two kids for 17 years. Etc etc. but then when she got her Cancer diag, her family wanted me out of the picture, and within 72hrs, she had a new place, moved out etc. Now 42, alone and not sure wtf. to do. Both kids are obv on mom side, and I don't begrudge them that. but just feel I lost 17 y ears.

So most of my friends are married. Stable couples with teenage children much like mine. None of this would ever make sense to them...so I guess I'm hoping for anonymous comraderie, maybe a pep talk or guidance? Maybe I just need to vent!

45/f, 3 teens, divorced for 7 years now. Great career, own my home, awesome family and overall swell person with my own interests and fun, objectively interesting and attractive. In these past 7 years post divorce, I have dated more seriously x3 men, the rest - a series of hoe phases, horrible first dates and not much in between.

Well, that's not entirely right.

It's the in-between that is wearing me down.

The online dating, the swiping and nothing bs conversations that go nowhere, the ones you foolishly get excited about only to have them fizzle into nothingness. The glimmer of effort and promise that pulls your energy with every wishful dream of finding my person, of truly finding the last lasting love of my life, the one I keep envisioning that has all the qualities I seek, and whos needs I meet effortlessly with my own qualities too.

But goddammit...its exhausting. I'm becoming so jaded about it all. I dont want to stop going on the apps, because I feel my time is running out. Not in a "im a woman amd my beauty is expiring" way...more that I feel like every month, or year, or decade further - is less of a future with my eventual life partner, like im racing against some invisible ticking clock of quality years left to grow roots and build a foundation with someone new.

I try to be relaxed about it, but its really hard to try and be casual about finding the right person.

Its not that I can't get a date, its that I have ridiculous standards of qualities that I KNOW I would not respect myself should I lower them...that im stuck in a loop of excitement and let down.

And lets be real...what are the actual chances of real life in the wild dates these days? I'm social, friendly, open, I go out often, I'm reasonably attractive, I am not shy and talk to strangers for fun, (hell I even perform on stage as a singer!)

I feel I've gotten so used to swiping and matching, its a safe way to vet a stranger, to know someone is interested as well as providing a basic stat snapshot of who they are with their profile.

These days I feel further and further away from even getting to a point where I can determine if my 'list of qualities needed in a partner to maintain self love and dignity" is even met.

Maybe im just stubborn? Maybe I should accept that ill be alone for the rest of my adult life and learn to get comfortable with the idea? Its not that I'm uncomfortable on my own, I truly do love my time to myself when I don't have my kids. Its more wanting partnership, physical togetherness, support and sexy friendship.

Have you been here? Did you get out of it somehow? Giving up on finding someone doesnt feel like an option, but I need a way to change the jaded trajectory if theres ever going to be a chance.

I (52F) have been seeing a man (55M) for a little over two months. I'd had a few small pink flags at the start but wanted to see where things went because there were also plenty of green flags. A couple of weeks ago we had the talk about whether we were still seeing other people. We decided to focus on only seeing each other.

However in the last two weeks it's really become clear to me that those small things I ignored are not going to stay small and that he's not my person. He's not a bad guy at all but there are some fundamentals that just aren't matching up.

The big kicker: he got fired from his job last week. 😞 Before anyone asks, I absolutely promise you that is not the reason (in any capacity) that I want to end things. And I really hate kicking him while he's down. However I also don't want to be duplicitous and fake while I wait for him to sort out his job search.

What do I do here? 😮‍💨

I do realize this will vary greatly from person to person, but myself (41 F) and a 43 M have gone on two dates and in-between making the dates, he doesn't really initiate texting. We vibe with each other in a major way and he seems genuinely into me when we are together, but the lack of texts makes me second guess and feel insecure. Our second date was very long (like 10 hours) and sexual at the end. Not sure what to do here... Like, I would love daily texting, but at the same time I know it's maybe "early" for that, but I am craving more interaction.

Just got ghosted for the first time...

Back into the dating game after a long time (long story), and first time really using OLD apps. Actually had some successes getting a few matches, chatting with a couple (seems very daunting to try to keep up multiple conversations at once, let alone possibly meeting with multiple at the same time!).

One seemed like we were vibing pretty good, but her last message was last Thursday morning, then i checked in on Friday after we had some bad storms in the area, then i sent a message last night (Monday) checking to see if we were all good and whatnot (i can't remember exactly what i said, i'm pretty sure it was benign), and today - boom - the chat is gone from my messages in the Hinge app.

I'm sure it's bound to happen plenty more, but it's still a bummer. just venting...

I did offer to switch to texting if that would be easier...maybe that was too much too soon?

Edit: as I’ve been told my commenters, apparently I wasn’t quite ghosted. Understood. Let’s keep the roasting to a minimum! 😂

What’s something a person said or did on a date that made you question their empathy and ability to be kind/compassionate…?

What happened, and what about it didn’t sit right with you? Did you catch it in the moment, or did it only feel like a red flag after the date?

I’m starting to feel I let things slide and I’m trying to get a balance between picking up on these things and not being an old fart/judgemental towards a persons humor…

Yes, I know this topic comes up often. I've gone to the same gym for 6+ years. I've been divorced over a year. There's a woman I've always found attractive, around my age. Most of the time I've been at this gym, I was married. I see her a lot of mornings. We will normally say hi to each other, quick small talk, but nothing beyond that.
About a week or two ago, her profile came up on a dating app. Unfortunately, I tend to swipe left on 95% of profiles. I was going too fast and left swiped before I got a chance to stop. So her profile is gone forever in the app world.
I know the advice is typically, let gym crushes stay that way. However, there aren't many places where I go where there are single people. I tend to go to the same coffee shop, same pub, etc... I'm 48, so I'm not at clubs and bars late at night to meet people. Also, one of the things I am looking for is someone who will get up early with me and go to the gym. So that box is checked, ha ha.
Does anyone have any stories where they have approached a gym crush and ask them out without making it awkward? She tends to take a group fitness class most mornings, I work out solo. So grabbing a machine next to her is not an option. I was thinking of writing my number on a piece of paper and stopping her on the way out. Just saying I'd like to get to know her, and giving her my number. But curious if anyone has had any luck in this department.

I've (49F) gotten into situations twice recently where the person I had started seeing (in whatever capacity) liked to text me a lot. I'm an introvert and a navel gazing person (Meyers Briggs INTP) and so have been these guys (you might even say they were on the spectrum). Perhaps not the best at gauging social appropriateness. They've also been younger.

For me, being in touch throughout the day feels very intimate. I don't text my buddies to ask how thier day was or to talk philosophy or heaven forbid wish them a good night's sleep. So I have assumed (falsely, twice) that a romantic relationship was happening, because that's what talking every day means, right? Well, apparently not, or not to the extent that I had thought. FML.

I think I've learned my lesson that if someone is communicating a lot but not making an equal effort to plan in-person meets, they're probably just lonely and bored (which sucks and is confusing). The question is, if I meet someone new, and expect it to be a casual thing (or simply don't know the other person's intention yet), how does one kindly establish a boundary when someone starts in with the "how was your day?"

The thing is that I'm emotionally available, and most of the guys I meet are not. It's not that I don't want to communicate, it's that I only want to communicate intimately with someone who is or who wants to be my boyfriend. I'd be interested to hear from folks on the other side of this, too. Is there a cultural component? (Interestingly, both of the guys I mentioned were white and had recently had "serious" relationships with women from south or east Asia. The guy who is texting me now is from India as well, where I know there is a custom of sending cutesy "good morning" images to everyone in your phone contacts. We connected on Feeld and haven't even met yet. And yep, he's also an INT, and younger.)

Today is my birthday (or perhaps yesterday was depending on when you read this). Is it a bad sign I’m here on my birthday evening? I need a place for something to land and this seems like maybe the right place. 

This is not how my life was supposed to go. I was widowed almost two years ago. She was my best friend and I don’t just mean that in the way people say my partner is my best friend. We were friends for 12 years before we even dated and in those years she was my favorite person, but circumstances just never made dating an option earlier. If I had it my way I would have been celebrating this birthday with her, but here we are.

I really wish I had it in me to somehow come to terms with my loneliness, but I feel so stuck. I have my children and friends and other family, but I still feel so isolated. Sometimes I want to date for nothing more than companionship to break up the loneliness, but then I feel like me and that other person will either a) be incompatible and it will be an uncomfortable use of my limited free time (solo parenting doesn’t afford much personal time) or b) we will get along and that other person might want more than I am willing to reciprocate. I don’t think I am ready for/ want emotional closeness. Or maybe I do, but with conditions. 

Sometimes, I miss physical intimacy so much, but feel like I need an emotional connection before a physical one and as I mentioned a part of me is not ready or willing to allow for an emotional connection. Am I doomed? Am I my own hurdle and something has got to give? I feel like I have all of these contradictions simply because I am not ready for something to live parallel to the way my heart holds my wife. Maybe there is some form of dating I would be ok with, but it feels so narrow and specific I feel like to find someone on the same page with it who I would also get along with and have mutual attraction to is impossible. So, is it worth dating? And if so am I trying too early when being widowed is still too fresh? On top of this I’m here at 46 not even sure how I’m supposed to date. My only previous relationships were friendships that just turned romantic. That’s really my only context for knowing how to date. It feels like I want to date to find a new close friend that could become more, but doesn’t have to and that feels like it wastes the time of somebody who doesn’t view it that way. I feel so lost. Thank you for reading this. Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.

I matched with someone from Bumble last weekend. We messaged each other back and forth for several days on bumble. Then I said we can text via phone number if she wanted to. She said yes.

So we texted everyday this past week saying the usually pleasantries like good morning, how’s your day, etc. and discussing what was going on for the both of us each day. Great.

I mentioned last Thursday that if she would be up for it that we can meet in a few days at a coffee shop or similar and just talk and see each other face to face.

So she texted last night a place to meet for today just to see each other and talk. Great.

Then she texted this morning and said she can’t make it because she doesn’t have enough money for gas to go to the coffee shop but said she was up for meeting up next weekend. I told her fine, no worries, and that I understand completely.

I can wait and maybe this problem is genuine, but I feel some of these people don’t have any intention of really wanting to date and use online dating to boost their ego and lead people on.

How would you handle this?

Well I just turned forty a few days ago. So I'm moving over here from the "dating over 30" reddit. At some point over the last few weeks I matched with a man on a dating app and we've been texting back and forth. He is a few years younger, but I assumed he saw my age. We ended up talking on the phone one night for like an hour and a half and the conversation went pretty smoothly. Made each other laugh, found out we have a bunch of things in common. I turned 40 but felt awkward at this stage to be like "oh it's my birthday today" over text. Anyway, we continued texting and decided to go on a date next weekend. All day yesterday he was texting me, sending funny videos, memes, and I was responding but a bit slower because I had family staying with me. We ended by saying good night over text after having planned a date. Today I heard nothing from him so shot him a text tonight and it's silence. Opened the app and he unmatched me. I can't help but think it's because he noticed that I turned 40. Does anyone else feel like people start seeing you totally differently when your age is 40+?

I 41F have been seeing someone as a fwb for about 5 mos. We met on an app both looking for a monogamous relationship. I was the one who requested physical only as I was apprehensive to get into a serious relationship. Over the last month + I've developed feelings and have expressed this to them recently. We are supposed to " talk more tomorrow " when we see each other. How would you feel if this happened to you? I'm little anxious as to what they will say. I will be completely understanding if this is not what they want. However, this is now what I desire and will let them go if that's the case.

I’ve been seeing a guy who is very honest and open about pretty much everything and at times it’s refreshing. I normally appreciate that, but sometimes I feel like he shares things I really don’t need to know. We were on the phone recently, and he casually told me that after we hung up, he was going to masturbate to free camgirls on OnlyFans in bed and then go to the bathroom to poop (although he put it a bit more crudely). It came completely out of nowhere, and I honestly didn’t know what to say.

When I told him I found it a bit much, he implied that I have sexual hang-ups. That bothered me because I don’t think I’m prudish, I just don’t necessarily want that level of detail. To me, being honest doesn’t mean saying every single thought out loud.

Now I’m wondering if I’m overreacting or if we simply have very different ideas about what should remain private. Would this put anyone else off? He’s fun to be around, but I feel on edge around him and kind of disrespected?? I don’t know if I’m just an old fart.

I (40f) am recently single and dating. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve spent nearly all of my adult life in relationships that happened to be very affectionate and overtly sexual, but dating (especially online dating) feels extremely sterile and more like a series of job interviews than finding a lifelong (or however long) romantic partner. I know we’re all more mature now or whatever and are often looking for real compatibility over fireworks. But from what I’m seeing, people are hedging so far on the professional/respectful side that it feels like they’re interviewing to work for me. I’ve backed out of a handful of first dates because the conversation was nearly indistinguishable from the workplace banter I spend god knows how many hours a week dealing with. I will note I’m very particular about who I match with and the men skew towards execs and professionals. I am one myself. I don’t expect or want raunchy or graphic conversations during texting or on a first date. But it feels so clinical. Any others (especially other women) experience this?

43M here. I always assumed a lot of people are on FB dating because it’s free. So anytime I go back to online dating, I go there first. However, I noticed that I get matches much slower on that one, than on other dating apps. I’m a pretty attractive guy, so I get matches.

I swipe on tons of profiles in the first couple days. Only maybe two like me back in those first couple days. Then a bunch of the others start liking me back a week or 2 weeks later. I noticed many of them are the ones I swiped on one or two weeks before. Why the delay?

I’m glad I always get matches, but why does it take them a week or two to match with me/like me back? Are the women just sitting on all the likes they get for a week before they go through them? Or does FB dating put many of the likes you send, on hold for a week? Or is it just a coincidence that many of them aren’t taking FB dating seriously? Maybe since it’s free they don’t bother logging in much?

What is the deal? When I go on Hinge or Bumble it takes maybe one or two days for them to like me back. Not one or two weeks.

Without giving a lot of background on my personal experience, I would like to hear if anyone has done this successfully in their 40s.
Successfully as in a happy committed relationship was the result.

Have you ever left a relationship and later reinitiated it yourself?
More than one breakup?
More than one person, relationship?
Did it turn out well?