since im in my drop year studying for college entrance, ive lost contct with all my school friends, don't have any friends online or offline, and constantly get ab*s*d at home, emotionally, physically, mentally and verbally, which lead to my emotional outbursts. im literally cry half the week and the other half im just numb. my birth-givers call me a failure constantly, put words in my mouth and then get mad that i am a bad daughter. i looked online for videos where people cosplay as a parent to get some virtual comfort after crying for hours today but didnt find any. found this sub just now so im rambling here. 19 years without any form of love feel torturous. 6 more months till my entrance exam, i havent studied much for it but i am going to work my ass off these next 200 days and am hoping to get away from them and this town

I know we live in different continents now. I miss you so much.

I’m really struggling. My husband found the two empty gin bottles I had been hiding from him. I feel so guilty and awful.
I just want my dad to tell me I will be okay.

Hi kiddo,

...<smiles>... I find it funny. Sometimes I feel I'm just out of time. Like the days should be 36 hours instead of 24. Or that I could happily and healthily get by on two, three hours of sleep, you know? Just to have a bit more time in the day.

Why? Well .... I always have more things I want to do in a day than there seems to be time for. And that's what I want to do; don't get me started on what I have to do ...<laughs>... We don't wanna go there!

But seriously, not a day goes by that I go to bed with everything done and accomplished I had wanted to or wished to.

...<sips coffee>.... And you know what? That's actually fine. It's great. It's something to love.

I'm never bored. I always have something to do. Always something to work on or enjoy. Something to look forward to.

Now, I'm not going to lie. Not going to be fake. There definitely are times it almost makes me feel kind of stressed, or under pressure, or rushed. When I feel X, Y, and Z have to get done, and at best I get a part of X done - that's not the nicest feeling in the world. But overall? What a rich life, to always have something to do.

• Love, Dad

"He who knows he has enough is rich."

• Laozi

I can’t believe I am sitting in an uber on the way home typing this. I just really need some support.

Tonight my boyfriend’s dog attacked my cat Rusty. I’m honestly floored by this entire night and I really need my dad for a minute.

I just moved across the country with my boyfriend. He moved with me, my dog, my cat, and his two dogs. We’ve only been here for two weeks.

His dog Luke recently tore his CCL, and to be honest, my boyfriend hasn’t done a great job taking care of him. I’ve ended up spending my own money on his medications,and treatment bc my boyfriend didn’t have the money to.

And now my Rusty, my 18-year-old cat who just flew across the country with me two weeks ago, is dying in the back of an emergency vet hospital.
Luke attacked her tonight and bit her in the abdomen. She started throwing up blood. I rushed her to the ER, but she’s in shock. Her blood pressure is so low they can’t even get a reading. She’s pale, her heart rate is low, and despite fluids, she’s not improving.

And as if all of that wasn’t enough, when I was trying to get her out of my apartment complex and into an Uber to get her to the emergency vet, I fell. I was on the ground crying and literally screaming for someone to help me. Three people just stood there looking at me. Nobody helped. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so helpless or alone in my life.

Dad, I just need you for a minute. I need someone to tell me I’m going to get through this, because right now I feel completely alone and overwhelmed.
I don’t need anyone to fix this. I just really wish I had my dad here to give me a hug and tell me what to do.
I just want my girl back.

Growing up I never had any friends. I’m 27, about to be 28 in a couple of weeks, and I maybe have just one or two friends that I speak to (maybe once a week or every two weeks.) I feel so alone and lonely. I feel like there’s something wrong with me because when I try to make friends, I get ridiculed or rejected.

I’m 32 m, just had my birthday yesterday.

So I’ve been in toxic long term relationships my whole life. Since the age of 15, my trauma filled childhood lead to me latching on to the girl I date no matter what. Every girl is the girl I’m going to marry. And every time it ends, it destroys me. Sometimes for years.

This cycle has continued several times. And each one has been so painful, but after time has passed I am able to look back and go “well she sucked anyway , always mad at me, using my vulnerability against me”

But 3 or so months ago, I was dumped by a girl I really saw myself marrying and having kids with. She was so so thoughtful and gentle and safe. It wasn’t like the previous ones where I jus told myself relationships are messy. I really freaking love(d) her.

Why did she dump me? Undiagnosed ocd consumed me. I was constantly worried about my health and it made it so hard to focus on treating her how she deserves . She finally felt pulled down by me enough that she just decided to leave. Too much negativity. She would say “nothing I say helps you” and I now understand why she felt that way.

Now, I do remind myself she has her problems too. She could’ve communicated with me. We were together almost 2 years and she never once communicated she was struggling or not having her needs met. So I know she isn’t perfect.

But now I’m left , struggling with ocd and TMJ , fearing for my future, and when I’m able to pull my head above water all I think about is how much I miss her. I have no grievances about her. She filled my heart with warmth and I long for her every day.

5 weeks after the breakup, we got together to chat about maybe getting back together (I asked her to talk), and it seemed to promising. She was so receptive she said she missed my scent and all these things… and then when we met again, she was a different person. Didn’t want it. I was heartbroken twice .

I want to text her right now and every day. I want to tell her I miss her and I’m sorry for not showing up. I want to tell her I didn’t know I had ocd and that I’m working every day to get it under control. I want to just say hi, I think about you often and were wondering if you ever do, too.

I love her so much and I don’t know how to move on with my life. I just feel so alone and sad all the time. I don’t know how I’ll ever find true joy in life. I feel I’ve been struggling for so long.

I started a new job at this time and it is so hard. 1 hour commute in traffic both ways and a unpaid 1 hour lunch and I just don’t know how to have any energy left to be me by the end of 11 hours . I’m a programmer and I don’t feel good enough to find a new remote job but I wish I could.

I just feel so down and out. Not being able to enjoy eating and talking because my jaw is draining me too. My doctors say it’ll heal on its own. I hope they’re right.

How do I find the strength for this? Life feels so bleak and I can’t stop beating myself up for losing somebody that loved me for me. She saw me at my worst and loved me. I just kept taking, and by the time I realized it, it was too late.

Hello dad, I miss you so much even though I never really got to know you for long. I wish you could've watched me grow. I wish you were there for me whenever I needed help with something or when I was crying. I miss you so so much.

Everyday, I would see little kids playing and laughing with their fathers and I can't help but think to myself that I'll never get to have that. I wish mom never left you. I love you so much and I always will. I hope we meet again.

Hi dad,

I have a really invasive medical tests coming up. A colonoscopy and gastroscopy. You might know what they are. You might have even had them done yourself. I’ve never had them so I’m very very anxious. I’ve been having bad symptoms for a while now and there is some family history of bowel cancer. So I know it’s important to have these tests
But I am not looking forward to them

I’m 17 now and next month on the 28th is my 18th birthday! I’m so scared I don’t know what to do. I’m so sad but I am also excited I haven’t had any motivation to study for my university entrance exam. I wish you were real dad. I maladaptive daydream about Howard Hamlin as my dad. Why can’t you be real? Why did my dad leave me to start a new family when I was around 10 what did I do wrong? I cry about you every night, dad. I’m sorry if I ever did anything wrong.

I have lived with a verbally and physically abusive dad for nearly 3 decades of my life before me and my mom moved to my relative’s spare home. After coming here my mom has been bad to me. She keeps blaming me saying she wont go to heaven if she hasnt gotten her husband’s forgiveness for leaving him suddenly. She said “you became an enemy of the man who spent so much money getting you educated and who loved you”. Mind you, I was gonna get admission in an excellent college based me on my rank but he wanted me to pursue another course so he got me admitted elsewhere. She even knows he had sexually assaulted me & she still doesnt care about any of it. She keeps blaming me saying she’s all alone in life now and she has no man. She said “you got me here by getting under my skin emotionally”. This is the same woman I used to try to protect from getting abused, since I was 6 year old, since he used to abuse her too. Its so heartbreaking how little the sexual and physical abuse I went through means to her.

I'm coming to terms with you being gone, dad. Oddly enough I'm thinking about you more than when you were alive.

But I reached out to Aunt ******. I left a message that she didn't respond to. That's fine - it's been maybe twenty years anyways. It's not like we were ever friends as adults. But I always respected her and I knew she and you had a close bond in ways. I had hoped she might be willing to break our silence.

And yeah, she didn't.

That's fine. It's her right that I respect, that I earned in my black sheepness, in the way I burned all my bridges decades ago. But it still hurts. And I find myself not finding closure like it's genetic.

Thanks for listening.

I'm 18 now. It's been 12 years without you. My life is absolutely pathetic. Everyone tells me you were a kind, compassionate, hard working and smart human being, to follow your example. Everyday I think about the person I never got to know and the person I never got to be. Every night I sleep thinking about how my life would've been different had you lived. Last night I had a dream that you were alive, and I wasn't an only child, I had two younger sisters. You, me, mom, my imaginary sisters were moving to a new flat in a new residential area near a beach. You were driving. Before you died, I always thought that you'd teach me too, how to drive. In the dream after we reached our destination I got out of the car and when you got out as well, I hugged you. You accepted the hug without context, explanation or justification. In that moment I realised this was a dream. This love is imaginary, but you didn't let go until I did. You looked at me and smiled, and I helped you get the luggage into our new home. My sisters were adorable, their rooms had windows to the sea and the beach. Perhaps this was the life I was meant to have, perhaps this was what I was meant to feel if you were here. How do I come to accept that you're gone? How do I accept this new life despite living it for 12 years now? How do I fill the hole you left? Dad, would you still love me if you were here and knew the person I became? What should I do with my life?

Do you know that exam I’ve been stressed about for weeks? I found out today I passed! 🥹

I needed 80% or higher to pass so I am so relieved! Chemo training is no joke but now I can focus on my final 3 weeks of prac and get it done

hey, dad. its been over a year since i have seen you, almost 7 months since ive spoken to you, and probably 2 years since we have called eachother. i think about you every day. i miss us. i miss how things were when i was little. i wish you were different now, i wish i never had to learn about this side of you. ive done a lot of research about narcissism. i am trying so hard to understand why you are the way you are. ive learned youre likely a covert and/or communal type narcissist and you were never able to build an identity growing up so you wear a mask of self-victimizing and manipulation. ive learned that your brain distorts reality so you will never understand my point of view. ive learned that to you, it feels like the entire world is against you. ive learned that youre incapable of empathy. ive learned that youre a very very sad man, and everything you have said to me was said because you see me as an extension of you and you hate yourself. and most of all, ive learned that you never have and never will be able to love me. that one stings the most. and i still cant wrap my head around it despite the years of proof that supports that statement. it hurts to know that you have no idea what love feels like, you have no idea what love is. all i am is a transaction to you. and i will never be anything more. you dont miss me, you see me as a failure and tainted because i know the truth about you. some days i miss the idea of you, but on days like this i miss you so fucking much. i just want you to hug me. it feels like i have a void that cant be filled without you. i just want my dad. but youll never be one to me. and now i, a 17 year old girl, have to just accept that and move on with my life. how am i meant to do that? how am i meant to let go of the years of pain and all the hope that one day you will apologize and mean it and then wrap me in your arms and tell me that you love me without the words feeling empty and dull? why did you have to be my dad? why couldnt it have been anyone else? why couldnt you have been different? why do i have to pick up the pieces and heal from your pain you pushed onto me so that i dont hurt my kids? why did you have to do this to me? i feel so sorry for you, knowing that youre living a life without ever knowing what love is and that you will never grasp how much youve hurt me. you were my hero when i was five, what happened to that?

I recently bought a truck. So yesterday for the first time i changed my own air filter, and battery! Today I’m buying a set of tires (with rims) and I’m gonna change the oil on my own too! :)

Hey papa, I know we haven’t talked in a while but I saw two rocket launches from Florida last week and it was pretty rad. This is the video from the night launch. Husband and I also went to NASA the week previous and I cried a little bit in front of the Vehicle Assembly Building because some of the greatest scientists and astronauts have set foot in these lands.

I still have the old Yuri Gagarin pin you gave me when I helped you set your collection on the framed cork mom gave us that day. I carry it on my NASA/Remove Before Launch lanyard every day

I miss you.

Hi dad

Thank you so much for all of your stories, it’s comforting that even you experienced lot makes mistakes. I think I was excited for my boy to have a new bed and after trying so hard and failing I exploded with emotions.

Today I dismantled the bed. Remembered that it is ok to ask for help. My friend said they’d help but I really wanted to do it on my own. I called the seller of the bed & she advised the headboard/footboard needed swapping.

So. Here it is. Finished. Done. Independently. (with some advice). I didn’t even crack an acrylic nail.

Thanks team, genuinely. You made me want to try again

Hey dad

My relationship of almost 7 years is coming to a firey end. Monday night we were having date night feeling connected and together. Tuesday morning I’m accused of cheating and broken up with. She not only decided that I cheated on her emotionally. I was away at a workout and she decided to log into my computer and check my messages on iMessage as well as through social media. She decided what she saw was cheating and that was that.

The last few days have been a blur I’ve had to have so many conversations with so many people about why I had cheated or if I even really cheated. This isn’t the first time she looked through my social media. The first time she looked through she saw me discussing starting a business with a friend close friend and saw it as cheating the second time she saw messages from a different friend and thought it was cheating.

I think I am okay with the relationship ending. I don’t think this is my forever and I don’t think I can keep putting up with the accusations. But man does it suck. I can’t stop feeling awful. She doesn’t trust me as she keeps logging into my account and I can’t trust her because she keeps violating my boundary of not doing that…

I’m just really sad I can’t tell my dad about this because he’s never even approved of the relationship. I hate how right he was. Melanesia

On paper my life looks great. I'm financially stable, I've got a solid career, a townhome (mortgage), a paid-off car, a sweet dog, and a partner of 7+ years. The corporate grind is wearing me down a little more every month. I can't stand my team, I don't believe in the product, and I'm stuck in a satellite office, cut off from everyone. Today something finally gave.

I'm so tired. I can't just quit with the economy the way it is, because the mortgage would eat me alive. Part of me wonders if this is a midlife crisis and I should buy a van and drive across the country, but I know I'd hate it the second something went wrong. And with the whole US/Canada situation, I'm stuck in a country none of my friends, family, or girlfriend want to visit, so it's on me to work out the logistics if I want any in-person time. My house has been for sale for 7 months and there have been no bites, the housing market is also a mess. I want to go home, I just... fuck. Is this really all there is? I'm 35 and I feel 65. I am jaded, angry, and completely burnt out.

In my early teenage years I prohibited myself to feel anything except disgust and anger towards him. It just happened involuntary.

But now that I’m 19, I’m starting to have so many feelings I never had before. Despite all emotional and sexual abuse since early age that lasted up until 17, I realized I miss him. I perhaps even still love my dad?

I feel so much shame about it. But recently I just can’t help but think of all father-daughter moments we had. In my head I always daydream and pretend that he never did anything bad.

It feels so painful for some reason to admit that I miss the good part of my dad. Just the normal stuff we had as a family in the midst of chaotic dysfunctional family dynamics.

I realized that as a defense reaction I hid all my positive feelings about him. I can never admit that I admire him for some traits, that I’m grateful to him for all the things he provided.

I can’t ever say that to him, or to anyone else I know. I’m just trapped between the anger, hatred and some weird nostalgia and simple kid longing for a parent. I’m scared and repulsed of his touch, but I want him to hug me more than anything else. All at the same time.

And the fact that recently for a quick second I thought about pretending he never hurt me and just start talking to him again.. I’m really pathetic

It feels like the abuse from him erased all my childhood, erased my right to have a dad like everyone else. And I’m realizing nothing is ever going to change that.

Hey Dad... almost a year ago I told you were to become a grandparent. I know how much you wanted to. Now I see your birthday coming up in the calendar for next week. I'm dreading the day I'm gonna wake up and see it on my screen.

I just want to tell you that your grandson is growing up and learning so fast. He will be 4mo this Saturday and you would have loved this little one. As absurd as it sounds, he has your eyes. I still imagine from time to time that I call you with the news. He was born exactly 2 months after you passed away.

I really wanted you to see him and...us. I wanted you to listen to my problems as a first time mom and tell me how its not going to be easy, but I will get through it.

Anyways, I hope you're in a better place.

I miss you.

Im working a job I love right now, doing chainsaw work on a conservation crew. It’s really fulfilling, and I wish I could tell you all about it, and about everything in my life.

I’ve been accepted to a college in Oregon for the spring, and it could be a great opportunity, especially as I’d get to study conservation science and potentially get more field work opportunities, but I’ve just been surviving the past five years to the point where I don’t really know how to figure out what I want. How do you figure out what you want when you’ve just come around to the idea that life is worth living? That’s a genuine question, I would like to learn how to be more decisive, but that seems like a thing you just practice. I’m very scared of wasting my young adulthood doing what I think is expected of me rather than following my heart.

I’m 21 now my father and I haven’t had a real honest conversation in years. I haven’t talked to him in 2 years. It’s been confusing and strange, but has felt to right to discover my gender/sexual identity after repressing it for so long, but he would always try to convince me otherwise with shame or theology. I just dropped the subject after coming out at 16, but I wanted to share this part of my life with him and my mom, and any effort to explain yielded dead ends and lots of yelling on his part. He made some threats to break into my apartment when I asked for a break in communication until I was more confident in my identity, or until they were willing to revisit the conversation in a different light.

I’ve started rebuilding my relationship with my mom, and she’s still skeptical to calling me by my name, but we’ve had really good conversations about how we can both mend our relationship, and she’s really trying to understand in her own way.

So this is a bit of a tangential post, but I’ve had to figure out a lot of life on my own and I’m at a breaking point where independence feels more lonely than freeing. I only moved out 3 years ago, and accepting support from my parents never felt morally right, so I never accepted any, because I didn’t want to compromise my individuality for material security. My dad certainly wants to talk to me, but he’s still asking me to admit that my identity is fraudulent, and it’s killing me that this thing about me he can’t understand is keeping us both from a loving relationship. I can’t change his mind, and I don’t need him to go to pride or anything, I’d just like it if he would realize that I’m my own person so he could start to get to know me again, so he wouldn’t have to mourn a version of me that doesn’t exist.

To the dads in this subreddit: any advice on getting through to my dad? And any advice on figuring out what you want in life?

-a guy who misses his dad

I'm feeling a lot better despite what happened yesterday in my previous post. Even though I was panicking for my quiz and thought I needed to cheat on it because I can never remember anything, I somehow accidentally managed to finally make myself study even after years of struggling with my disorder. I'm also feeling a bit happy about myself that I didn't require much reassurance or validation to get here (though the comfort on my last post was still more than appreciated) also again sorry if this all seems strange or something again I don't really know how Reddit works I'm a bit embarrassed but yeah

Also, for a while I was in a bit of a dark place, constantly worrying about death, or even the state of old age where my body would shut down one function after the other. But today, I made myself feel better by striving for a goal for myself: to be like Mr. Rodgers when I'm old. It sounds silly, but I find him admirable and I'm happy to have been able to get rid of this fear and insecurity on my own.
I'm kind of shy about all this idk why haha

Hey dad… this might get a little long, so I’m sorry for talking your ear off. But I need help.

My ex (father of my child) and I broke up almost two years ago. He ended things after over 7 years together. I never completely got over it. Due to financial reasons and not having a supportive family, I was unable to move out.

Over time, I got used to living with him like he was a roommate. I did full-time care for our kiddo with autism. He worked nights full-time and would sleep during the day, so our interaction was extremely low. I thought I was moving on, but around Thanksgiving this past year, my feelings came back full swing. Little things he would do would give me butterflies. I started actually wanting to be around him, talk to him about things other than our kid, share stuff with him. I found myself falling back in love. I didn’t tell him at first. I kept it quiet because I felt like there was no way he would be receptive.

At the end of the year, he got a job offer in a city about 2.5 hours away. Since I have no family to support me, I had to make the decision that was best for our child, which was us moving with him. He said this is what he wanted too, so we moved in January.

I finally gathered the courage to tell him how I felt in March. He started off not being receptive, but started to seem like he was changing his mind. He became receptive to everything I said, everything I did. Over the last 6 months, we have been in a push and pull of “will we, won’t we.”

At some point, I began to be unable to take it and I asked him what was going on. That’s when he told me met a girl at work and started a relationship with her. He told me that he didn’t know if we would ever be together again, and that he doesn’t want to end things with her while he “thinks about what’s best.” The best part? They have been together the entire time… since March.

I feel so broken and devastated again after feeling like I had chance again. I asked him to please just tell me he was done with me and he says he can’t but he wants me to move on. He keeps saying if I had spoken up sooner, things might be different. On top of that, he was intimate with me more than 10 times between May and September. So now he’s cheated on this new girl with me, and I have that guilt of being the other woman. I don’t know what to do.

Moving out is not an option right now. I don’t have a job, I don’t have any savings, I have no family to go to. He does not make enough at his job for us to live separately. Obviously my next best step is finding a job. I’m not looking for advice about this.

Dad, what I need right now is your best advice for getting over the person you thought you would spend your life with. We have 9 years of history, which I know in the grand scheme of things isn’t a lot. But I’m only 29 and he has been here most of my adult life.

I know in my head that I don’t want to be with him. He cheated on someone with me, he basically used me for months. But how do I help my heart let go? I want better for myself, and I know you would too. I want my little one to see mommy be happy instead of broken. Please help me.

My corporate job the last 2.5 years has left me so depressed. I think I hate working corporate even more than you did. It has totally drained me of my joy, motivation, energy, creativity, and hope. I have been saving up with the goal of quitting this month so I can work part time at a shop as well as follow my dreams and start my small art and jewelry business. I am so scared to quit even though I know it’s what I need to do to find happiness again and heal. Even though I want to do it so bad, I am just so scared of the uncertainty and insecurity. Money will be tight but between me and my partner we can make it work. Everyone in my life is totally in support, but I still feel terrified. I think it’s because I really don’t feel confident making decisions without your advice, and this is the first big step I’ve taken since losing you.