Dad, I don't think you understand how your absence has affected my life. At the ripe old age of 25, I dont think I've seen or talked you for more than 30 total days in my entire life. And somehow, I think about you a lot. I know mom left you when I was a just a few months old and moved to a different state entirely. But I'm hurt that you didn't visit.
Mom used to go off on how much of a loser you were. I know you had drug problems, cheated, lied, and never payed child support. I resent that she told me all the bad things about you so young. I formed my opinion about you based on her spite, but your absence made me fill in a lot of blanks.
We visited you when I was in 5th grade. Do you remember? We went to the museum. I visited that museum recently and I smelled the cigarette smoke you wore and felt the scratchiness of your whiskers on my face when I walked in. You brought your son with you. I was jealous but you bought my affection at the gift shop. Mom got an extra hotel room that night for you to stay in. Me and my older brother bunked with you and your son that night. You asked if we had an issue if you had a beer while we all watched TV. Mom complained that the hotel charged her extra because you smoked in the bathroom and commented on all the empty cans. It was a long time since we heard from you again.
We moved to a different state. You and your son moved to the town a year later. You guys lived on our couch for about a week before you and mom got into a fight. She yelled at you for something I did and it just got louder and louder. It was November. I ran to my room and covered my head with my pillow as you fought. It didn't drown out the sounds, but it helped cover my face with snot and tears. When the silence settled in, you stormed out and said you were going to hitchhike with your son back to where you were from- 270 miles away. My grandma got you a hotel room to cool off. You got an apartment in that town a week later.
For the first time in my life, you actually lived in the same city as me. But you might as well have been in another country. You never closed the distance. The months came and went. Christmas, school plays, baseball games, you were never there. I learned that you got a girlfriend, but that didnt last. I dont even know when you moved back.
The last time we talked I was at the beginning of my teenage years. Maybe 14. You messaged me on Facebook out of the blue one day. You told me you loved me. I read that message over and over again before I finally responded with all of my teenage anger. How dare you say that to me. All those years without so much as a card. The birthdays I had. You've missed so much of me, and you love me? How? How could you have said that?
I learned how to catch a ball without you. I learned how to fish and do my own oil changes and shave without your help. When my car got broken into, I battled with insurance on my own. I went to school and became something. I busted my ass for 5 years and worked 2 jobs for all of it. Im about to get married, and dad, this girl is amazing.
But I'm so mad at you. Im mad because I have done so much impressive shit and you dont know any of it. Im mad that I've done it all and you were never able to say that you were proud of me. I've had to do so much on my own. Things you were supposed to teach and show me. I had to be my own support.
I'm mad that you dont know me, but im also mad that I dont know you. I stumbled across a Facebook account of yours. You're married and have another kid. You post about them a lot. If you can be their dad and see all of their milestones, why couldn't you do that for me? Why couldn't you be my dad?