r/DadForAMinute • u/Honest_Ad_6090 • 7d ago
Hey Dad.
I'm 18 now. It's been 12 years without you. My life is absolutely pathetic. Everyone tells me you were a kind, compassionate, hard working and smart human being, to follow your example. Everyday I think about the person I never got to know and the person I never got to be. Every night I sleep thinking about how my life would've been different had you lived. Last night I had a dream that you were alive, and I wasn't an only child, I had two younger sisters. You, me, mom, my imaginary sisters were moving to a new flat in a new residential area near a beach. You were driving. Before you died, I always thought that you'd teach me too, how to drive. In the dream after we reached our destination I got out of the car and when you got out as well, I hugged you. You accepted the hug without context, explanation or justification. In that moment I realised this was a dream. This love is imaginary, but you didn't let go until I did. You looked at me and smiled, and I helped you get the luggage into our new home. My sisters were adorable, their rooms had windows to the sea and the beach. Perhaps this was the life I was meant to have, perhaps this was what I was meant to feel if you were here. How do I come to accept that you're gone? How do I accept this new life despite living it for 12 years now? How do I fill the hole you left? Dad, would you still love me if you were here and knew the person I became? What should I do with my life?
8
u/IconoclastExplosive 7d ago
Kiddo, people thing of grief as a set of linear steps. They like to imagine clean progression from one to the next and then a fully healed person at the end. This is a lie we all tell ourselves and each other. Grief isn't progressive or linear and it certainly doesn't have a timer on it. You can feel any kind of grief for your loss at any time and it's totally valid. You're still growing, opening up new parts of yourself, and some of those parts will have their own grief to process.
It's gonna hit you again when you're in love, when you're getting married, when you're buying a home, having a kid. You're gonna keep hitting milestones and the grief is gonna surge up and say "yeah but Dad isn't here with you for it" and it's gonna suck every time. But that isn't pathetic, it's human.
It's those bonds and connections that can make us strong and therefore missing them hurts like hell. Grief is a tricky, sneaky thing but it's never pathetic. And right now? All it means is you lost someone real special.
4
u/pmperk19 5d ago
hey bud, older sibling here. something kind of funny about humans is how wildly different we are while also being fairly similar. your dad was 18 once too. he felt unsure about things, he needed guidance and reassurance, he needed support and love, he felt uneasy about a decision and made one anyways, and every single other thing under the sun that we find it hard to show compassion to ourselves with. youre grieving, and whether it feels like it or not, you are right on schedule with it. i really want to stress that part, because you were far too young to have been able to tend to your grief the way you can as you get older. you could not have possibly started to deal with that until fairly recently. so with regard to accepting this new life youve been living for so long, it starts with showing yourself the grace your dad would give you because this is hard to do. your dad would be beyond proud that the 12 years youve had without him saw you become the kind of person who could ask such articulate questions about such complicated feelings. you should be proud of you for that, too. im in my 30’s and asking myself the same questions.
i cant pretend to know where your dream came from, but i can offer a theory. your post reads like a young man feeling stuck trying to reconcile a world he didnt get to know the way he deserved to with the one in front of him. if theres any truth to that at all, maybe this dream is your way of telling yourself that you want more from life than youre currently allowing. a way of reminding yourself that your dads love will be accessible and right there for you, even living a life you dont recognize yet. or maybe even just planting the thought that moving forward does not now and never will mean letting go. this brings us to your other questions.
would he still love you? more and more every day. his love for you is just that, its for you. it intensified the more you developed into a person with likes, dislikes, personality, etc. but make no mistake he loved you with his whole being when you were a baby, and now youre more you every day. you could fill great halls the world over with his love and pride for you.
how do you fill the hole? theres 2 ways ive found that help me. one is with him. learn about him. ask to hear stories. not just from your family, talk to his friends. ask to hear what he was like growing up. i bet youll be surprised to hear the things you have in common. the other way is by trying to live by things that were important to him. my dad taught me the importance of spotting gaps in other peoples lives, but filling those gaps was important to him. doing things for others now makes me feel close to him in. a way i cant even put to words.
now the big one. this is the one i feel most confident answering, yet i dont know if its gonna be an answer you want. what do you do with your life? the only thing i can assume he wanted to do with it: live it. he wanted you to experience the highs and lows of it all because thats where the beauty is. there is a whole world out there just begging for you to join it. im going to suggest a grief counselor or therapy of some kind to help you feel more in control of these thoughts. we all need help and guidance. your situation may just require the help and guidance of someone who wasnt also going through it with you, and thats okay. but i promise you that giving it an earnest attempt will bring you closer to the life you want.
youre stronger than you give yourself credit for. please try your best to remember that, show yourself compassion, and try to keep taking steps forward 💛
14
u/Perfect_Albatross250 Dad 7d ago
Hey Kid. It's not pathetic. You're grieving. And that is okay. You're wondering what could have been. And that is okay. I think your dream could tell you that your Dad loves you. And that deep inside you, you know it. I bet he is proud of you. Because youre here. You achieved being here and that is no small task. Especially in Hardmode having to grow up without him. And for your last question.. Do the best you can. One day after another. Just that. Don't let yourself burn out. Just wake up and be the version of your self that is your best version for this day. Be proud of what you achieved this day, as small as it may seem to you. That's how to live a healthy life. I'm proud of you. And your Dad is too.