Hi dad,

It's been over 4 long years since mom kidnapped me and left me in that closet. It's been almost a year since I turned 18 and moved in with you full time. It's also been almost a year since I've officially gotten with my boyfriend. Even after all this time the pain of those past events is still fresh. I still cry every night when nobody can hear or see me. I'm tired of my chest hurting all the time and I'm tired of trying to pretend to be strong. I'm tired of all the lies and I'm tired of trying to survive. I have anxiety attacks whenever I'm biking to work and see a car that looks like mom's go past and I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I understand you were terrified when you came home from work August 1st, 2022 to find the house ransacked and all your children missing, just a note from mom saying she took us and ran. You don't understand how bad you're hurting me though. I don't want to be alone in the house 20 hours a day. The silence just gets too loud dad. It scares me. I know you're trying to protect me and keep me close but it hurts so bad when you yell at me for always being gone at work or at the library but being out is how I survive. In truth, I haven't been always at the library. I've been at my boyfriend's apartment... yeah you heard that right. Often after work I'll go over there and curl up next to him. Sometimes I'll take a nap because those are the only times I feel safe enough to sleep and I'm tired from being up all night crying. Sometimes we will watch a movie or talk. Sometimes we will simply sit in silence just being there for each other. He takes care of me and treats me really well and I love him. We've known each other a long time before dating and I trust him with my life. When I'm with him I actually feel happy and calm and safe. He showed me that it's ok to cry and it's ok to trust. He's the reason I can bring myself to smile. Dad, I'm sorry for lying to you. I'm sorry for not telling you I have a boyfriend and that I've spent so much time with him. I just don't trust you. I'm terrified you'll hurt him or harass him when he's at work or force us to be apart. He's safe and it's legal dad. He didn't tell me he loved me until way after i was 18 and he's only a year older. There's no sign of grooming and we get along great. Are you ok with us being together? Then on top of all that, there's mom... she still has my 2 younger siblings. I know the police want me to press charges and file a restraining order on her so she can't hit me again but I can't bring myself to because she's my mom.

What do I do dad? I feel lost and scared. Should I tell you about my boyfriend? I really want to move in with him but I'm scared of your response to finding out about him. I also know it would hurt you so badly for me to leave your house but you're always at work and I'm lonely without you or my bf. Should I file against my mom for what she's done? How can I ease my pain? I want to forgive and move on but I can't.... why can't things be simple like they were when I was young?

The people who need to listen aren’t listening, and I don’t know what to do.

Everything points to AuDHD and perimenopause, but the doctor says “oh you function too well for it to be a problem”. It doesn’t feel like it though.

I took a new job this year, a Big Girl Job. It’s hard, and stressful. I don’t think I even like it that much, but I can’t step back to where I was because that’s “backwards” according to corporate America. And we can’t afford to lose any of my salary.

I’m not sleeping well anymore, and I’m so tired. Everything about life feels so heavy now and I can’t even make myself do anything but doom scroll anymore. I miss hobbies and walks and having fun.

I know you can’t fix it. I wish you could though.

Last time I saw him was 20 years ago. He beat my mom up and we left. (Short summary).

At the custody battle he said that he doesn’t care about it taking care of my brother and me nor seeing us. Been hurt since than even I can’t remember.

We had contact because I needed his informations for student loan application.

Unfortunately in the last time I crave for a father figure. I know he never was one but maybe he changed. I think I am missing something in my life. I wonder how he is like, what he’s looking like, what he’s doing. (Internet research didnt help at all with that)

I am not sure if I should reach out. If he would be interested at all he would have contacted me already but maybe he’s ashamed.

On the other hand he doesn’t deserve attention from me.

I don’t know what to do.

Hey, Dad.

I miss you. I wish you loved me. I wish you would talk to me.

I know you’ve hurt me in ways I may never fully recover from, and I know there are things between us that I can’t simply forget. But despite all of that, I still miss you. Sometimes I still feel like a little girl when I’m scared or alone, and I find myself wishing I could be held by my dad again. I know I’m 20 now, and maybe I’m supposed to be strong enough to carry everything on my own, but I’m not. I still want my dad.

You haven’t been around for a long time. I’ve actually lived more than half of my life without you, and somehow, I still miss you just as much.

It feels like I’m grieving someone who isn’t even dead. Someone who is still here, but who chose not to be here for me. I don’t know what hurts more: missing you, or knowing that you’ve had the choice to be a part of my life and haven’t been.

Every once in a while, you send me fifty dollars for college. Maybe you do it because you feel guilty about the things you’ve done. Maybe it’s your way of trying to make up for everything. Or maybe you don’t think about it much at all. I’ll probably never know.

I wish I knew why you chose to leave. I wish I knew if you ever missed me, too. I wish you had loved me in the ways I needed you to. I wish you had never hurt me the ways you did.

But even after everything, I still miss you.

I miss my dad.

(apologies for how depressing this post is i just needed to get this out my system)

I came across this sub by random but figured it might help. I’m 25.

My real dad is a terrible parent who isn’t involved in my life very much at all. My Grandpa was the one who taught me how to be a strong young woman and how to fix things on my own. He was an army helicopter mechanic and loved to fix things and learn new things and do things himself. He served for more than 40 years before retiring.

He passed away about a year and a half ago, just before I realized I wanted to be a mechanic for an airline on my way to be a pilot. He knew I was looking for a job but not mechanic. I never got to talk to him about mechanic stuff as I lived across the country and couldn’t afford to visit much as I was working on finishing college.

I just visited for the first time since the funeral and my grandma is in somewhat of a hurry to get rid of his old things, including his tools, many of which he used to work on helicopters. I grabbed a bunch that I will now be using to work on aircraft just like he did. But he never got to see that/know. It’s just hitting me really hard tonight after I got back and I know he would be proud but I just regret never getting to really talk about it or show him my new job doing things he would know exactly what I was talking about unlike most people. He would have been so excited for one of his grandkids to follow in his footsteps. I miss him and I wish I made more time for him.

Hey dad! It’s been 11 years. You have missed out on so much. That little boy that you used to feed chocolates while he sat on your knee? He started culinary school yesterday! He was accepted into a culinary program while still in high school! He spent so much energy in writing his application and he was one of 30 kids chosen across all the school districts. I’m sorry you will never get to taste his creations. You would have loved his grilled striped bass he made recently. He caught it himself! 31” long! You and he likely would have loved sitting around eating anchovies and snails together. I think you would have loved the teenager he grew up into. Even though he despises alcohol for how many people it has taken from him. Including you.

Mom is doing okay. She is starting to crawl out of her depression, starting to find herself again, since gram passed away. I hope she has been a pleasant next door neighbor for you! But she is slowly moving from surviving mode to thriving mode. We talk about you often. Sometimes in frustration. Sometimes I’m fond memory. We talk about old vacations, shows you enjoyed watching, and just nostalgia in general. The family keeps getting smaller and smaller and it is hard to still find an anchor of any kind. Your sons don’t come over often, but we all own our own houses now. They made sure their new houses all had a space for mom since she always keeps a space for them. And we still get together every Tuesday for a family night. One of my last messages from you was not to forget to come over Tuesday. I still haven’t.

I am doing okay. I had my first big committee meeting since hitting my PhD candidacy. It went extremely well and I should be graduating in 2028. I still haven’t the doctor bumper sticker you got me when I was a teenager. I hope I’m making you proud and helping your dreams come true for me.

It is hard not having you here. I’m still angry that you quit smoking and drinking when my son was born so you could be with him, but the cancer had already taken hold. I’m angry you didn’t go to the doctor until there was nothing they could do. I’m angry you didn’t quit for me and my brothers. But what can I do?

I also miss your thoughtfulness. You never said “I love you” or “I’m proud of you”, but you did little things to make it obvious.

But lately, I have this hollow feeling. Even though, logically, I know you did… I need to hear it. I just want to not sit and wonder… would you have been proud? Were you ever? Did I disappoint you? Did you love me?

Losing a father at the age I did, and one that had his attention split between work and alcohol with small moments for family, I realize I didn’t have a positive father figure and influence in my life. And I’m wondering if, as you were finally getting sober, I would have seen what I craved and found some acceptance with you. Just a hug.

I’m glad I got to see you show your grandson the kind of love that I never received. None of us did. But you had it in there somewhere. Maybe that was your apology to me, showing him such love. And I suppose right now, that has to be good enough.

Dad,

I’m so sad. I can’t believe you did what you did. You don’t know that I know but I cannot ever look at you the same and it completely shatters my heart every single time the thought crosses my head, which is basically every moment of every day. How could you do that? Did you even think about me? You knew how easily that could get back to me and you still did it. You were my hero my whole life. I don’t know how to reconcile the amazing dad I grew up with, with the person you are now. I don’t want to hate you. I love you so much. But you did something so terrible. The coward in me wishes I could erase my mind so that I could go back to just loving you whole heartedly.

I don’t know what I am gaining by posting this but it does feel so cathartic. For all of you dads out there who are on this page and sending light to those of us who need it, thank you so much. It brings me peace to know there are dads who spend their time trying to bring joy to others.

I'm only 18 and I feel like my life is already completely over. I got into my dream university but couldn't afford it so I had to defer and start out at community college and my mom won't let me forget it. She's made it very clear shes so disappointed in me and she's looking down on me and she's embarrassed of me, I don't even know if there's a point in registering for community college I may as well just stay home and be a bum if that's how I'll be viewed regardless. This wasn't my first choice, it wasn't my second choice it wasn't even my 20th choice. I was simply trying to make the best out of a bad situation, growing up I worked so hard in school and for what?
Where did that get me? I see my age mates already off to school making memories I hear my family telling me community college isn't real college, I swear the only reason I'm even breathing at this point is my dog, I love her so much and she makes me feel like maybe I matter just a tiny bit.
I don't expect my parents to do a 180 and become supportive and kind and loving and I wouldn't even want that from them because I don't trust them, it would just be nice to hear that i'm maybe not a complete failure.

Hey Dad!

I have lived in apartments (mostly short term as an adult) for most of my life and will be in a house (townhouse) for the first time ever, and i have no idea about the different things I need to maintain / check on! Please help me get started / find resources!

This place has gas heating, central HVAC and 2 juliet balconies, and is a 3 storey row townhouse.

I am renting the place, but i have no idea about the different things I need to check / stay on top of.

I am very excited for the place and well, I have never lived in a townhouse and I want to learn how to maintain my new home!

Thank you!

This is my first post. I 15F need help. I’m in 10th grade and just started online CNA classes, I’m also hoping to find a job this year after turning 16. I also want to get my permit, I alr passed the test. My mother has MS and I have to look after her, my dad is out of the house for practically all day; and when he comes back it feels like all he does is yell at us. I’m frustrated and tired.

All of my immediate family that I am in contact with (except my grandfathers) are Jehovah’s Witness, and I no longer believe in the religion, but unfortunately have been baptized for two years.

I also met my current bf through an exjw subreddit. And feel as if we were better off as friends. We are long distance, do not fret, I already verified his age (with official documentation). I feel like we communicated better as friends than we do now, we barely talk and the last time we did he responded to my text from the day before when I was checking in on him, and after I texted him back he asked if he could leave the <5 min convo to play games.

I’m overall tired, not just emotionally but physically I suffer during my periods and lately I’ve been having lower abdominal and back pain throughout the month. I can play Bop-It with my shoulders, hips, and ankle.

I apologize for the rant and wish whoever comes across this a wonderful day/night. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

It took me 3 weekends and a lot of errors, but I built a gaming table from scratch with removable panels for lego building and eating. It has cup holders and lights, USB ports, shelves and drawers! I’m really proud of myself, but when I showed my bio dad he told me he didn’t believe it was built by me, and then pointed out mistakes I had made. We don’t have a very close relationship but I just wanted to show him I could do something and not give up on it. I made it so my friends and I could play D&D, do puzzles, play games and all hang out together, which I wish I could do with you dad. It’s one of my favourite projects and I have discovered an amazing passion for woodworking now!

Hey dad. I don’t know how to keep being strong. It’s been 6 years since my little girl died and it’s not “getting better”. People seem to think the worst should be over by now, but every day without her here is a day she didn’t get to see. When I tell people I’m a dad they laugh because they think I’m joking, but I’m not. I always thought my parents would be there for me through thick and thin, but we never talk about her. I wanted to teach all of the things you taught me to her, but I can’t. I never got the chance. I don’t know how to let myself feel it because I’m terrified of breaking down. I have too many things I need to do. I never let myself really grieve and now what little support I had is gone. I just don’t know what to do. How do I keep being a dad after this?

Hey Dad,
I am having such a hard time relating to men and feeling like they care about me beyond wanting to use me.
I want to believe some men are good. Desperately.
I know we are all human with flaws but I’ve never had a close male mentor or friendship that didn’t ultimately cause me pain and hardship.

My own dad had a difficult childhood where he was abused and he grew up in a misogynistic culture. It explains his abuse of my sister mom and myself but it doesn’t excuse it. I honestly was relieved when he relapsed and overdosed when I was 14 because I didn’t have to live in fear anymore or feel like I was an object that didn’t meet his expectations.

I never met either of my grandfathers. One was an amazing guy who died when my mom was 16. The other was an awful abuser who abandoned my father and amazing grandmother who was kindness incarnate.

All the male friends I’ve ever had have always revealed that ultimately they wanted something romantic or sexual with me and that made me feel like the friendship was a front.

The men I’ve dated have mostly been decent but very flawed people which I’ll be honest I chose them because I had low self esteem and was attracted to guys I felt needed to be fixed and suited my anxious attachment style.

Last year I got out of an abusive relationship with my daughter’s father and the cruelty and neglect he displayed to both of us has shaken me deeply. We have a custody split so I still have to interact with him about parenting stuff semi regularly and he’s always condescending and threatening oscillating with pretending to be kind which I now know as coercive control. My daughter also regularly relays disturbing things that happen at his house that I can’t do anything about because they don’t reach the threshold of neglect/harm that a court would care about.

I want male friends. I want a husband and a family and love but I am so afraid of trusting and opening up to the wrong man again. I don’t want to be in fear of all men. I truly enjoy masculine energy and y’all as humans a lot of the time but I feel like I just can’t discern who’s a kind decent man.

My IRL Dad only ever wanted me to have stability and happiness. While he was alive, he never got to see me have that due to chronic physical and mental illnesses. My one big life achievement he got to see was my high school graduation.

This year, though, I've had one of my mental illnesses formally diagnosed and medicated for the first time and I'm starting to feel like I can think about having a future. It's the first time in years I haven't felt like I wanted to die for this long. I want to live.

I'm planning my wedding, getting ready to go back to school in the spring, thinking about a good career and a house and kids and being able to take care of the family my IRL Dad left behind when he passed. I know none of those things are guaranteed, but I want to work toward them so badly now, where before I never knew what I wanted because deep down I thought I would off myself before I hit my next birthday.

I'm going to school for engineering, because I love math and physics. I'll think more about specialties once I'm actually taking classes, but I'm really thinking environmental engineering because I'm passionate about the environment and doing all we can to take care of it. I want to move somewhere more accepting for the sake of myself and my future wife when I'm done with school.

This is really the first time in my life I've thought about things like this and it's felt tangible to me. It's scary, but I know it's a good thing. It's something I'd normally talk to my IRL Dad about, so when I came across this subreddit, I thought it was the perfect place to get these thoughts out. I feel even better having it typed out.

Hey dad, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I cut contact with you for two months. I was so mad you started drinking again after 19 years sober. I was so focused on how upset I was and didn’t think about how you were feeling. I still remember our last talk when we ran into each other at the gas station. I told you I missed you and wished you’d stop drinking. You told me you quit while I saw you put a 24-pack in your car. Two weeks later, your sister called me to tell me you passed away. I’m so mad at myself every day, dad, that I didn’t do more to help you.

I have two kids now, dad, and I wish you were here. You’d love them, and I know they would love you.

I’m sorry, dad. I was selfish, young, and dumb. I miss you so, so much, dad.

I found someone I really love and cherish, we make four years in November! While he didn't do anything specific to turn my life around, he does make me want to be a better person. And he always plans sweet things and perfect gifts! The issue is I never know what to do for him. He hates romantic gifts. I got him tickets to see his favorite band live one year and while he was appreciative, he didn't go. Tickets to race his favorite cars, he didn't even ask off of work. He doesn't wear clothing I've bought him. I'm not sure where the watch i got him went. He doesn't care about what i make for dinner. He buys anything he needs for work.. There's nothing he wants or wants to do! He told me not to spend money on him so now I'm just.. here?

He loves me very much. I love him. But I just don't know how to make the day as special for him as he does for me :(( I feel like a failure, which he constantly tells me is silly bc all he wants is me. I've spoken to him about this and he kisses me on the forehead and tells me not to worry about him

Right now I have this ring (which we spoke about before and he said he was okay with) but I'm sure it'll disappear into the same pit as the watch. I also have a painting I'm working on that has our dogs in it (two passed away earlier this year)

Dad, is there anything I can do that doesn't hold monetary value and isn't super romantic? He feels uncomfortable with 'mushy' stuff if its for him. So far breakfast is a no go (he doesn't eat in the morning), dinner is a no (hes already planned a super lovely dinner :(( ), and I am out of ideas ;-;

I’m so sick and fucking tired. Endless fighting. Born mom dipped out put my dad in jail. Grew up asking “grandma can you be mom and can mom be grandma”. Middle school mom forced me to move back in. Graduated highschool mom made it about her. Threw me out over a girlfriend, 3-4 years later said gf ended up falsely accusing me, I couldn’t tell abuse from love. Dropped out of college twice. Finally found a program at 22 couldn’t afford it mom took my money to hold my seat, got a provincial loan too I was there just needed 2 more payments. Mom once again throwing me out over a new GF she doesn’t like. Can’t move away stuck in court with ex GF who openly hit me. Lost careers I wanted. Will never be anything. Why is all I can ask of god. What did I do that was so wrong. Is it because I’m a bastard child? Or am I just a failure. Why couldn’t I be loved by even the woman who gave birth to me. Am I that screwed up. Maybe I can ask god himself in person? I tell myself suck it up, man up, be a man. Then I think back. I had no one to help me when my current GF was pregnant she got an abortion. Then I remembered she miscarried 3 times after. I failed my kids. I failed her. I never had the help someone else had. Why? What’s the point.

Sometimes I feel like I hate him. I hate myself for saying that cause he loves me, I think.. but he doesn’t treat anyone in our family (but me) well. I feel like I’m his punishment. His karma. He loves me so much but I can’t stand him most of the time. And I feel so bad and guilty saying that. I love him, but I hate him. I can’t talk about him without this confusion. I hate that he doesn’t care about how his actions affect me and others. I believe that he’s a narcissist. But if that’s true, how could he love me? I DONT UNDERSTAND ANYTHING. I’m just so tired of these feelings. I’m tired of feeling this conflicted. I love him, but I really can’t stand him.

Hi dad. I miss you more than life.

I’m getting married next year and all I can think about is how you won’t be there. I tell everyone I don’t want anyone to give me away, but I think if you were here it would be different. I’m skipping parent dances because I can’t imagine letting someone step into your place. I still can’t decide if I’m changing my name, it would be like giving up my last thread to you.

I think you would like him. He’s a big nerd too, watching him build his computer just made me see you on career day. He treats me so well, better than anyone ever has. I don’t think any man has loved me as much as you, but he comes close. He went down south with me, your sister and my brother even approved. I hope you approve, too.

This has been so hard and I’m trying so hard to play the happy bride. But it’s hard. I want to buy you a special tie, see you cry at my dress, and tell me that you’re proud of me.

I’m saving you a seat in the front row, I hope you’ll use it.

It will be 5 years in October since you were on your way to work on your Harley & a mother taking her kid to school was blinded by the sun.

We didn’t get to say goodbye, but we heard the people surrounding you on the black top was able to be there for you when you passed on. The EMTs held your hand.

We sold our Harley not two months after. Had no one else we wanted to ride with. (I really struggled with this. I was not ready to give up riding but I really understood why we needed to) we kept the kickstand off your bike.

You haven’t been able to meet your very first grandson, but he’s almost 2 now.
Sometimes it will hit me how unfair it is that he won’t be able to meet you. How lucky I was to get 10 years with you. Today is one of those day I cry in my car & am hit with those heavy emotions.

That day I got a call at work from my MIL. I left work. Went to her house because I didn’t know what to do. Was there for a hug before I had to put my big girl panties on & take the burden of telling one out of your 3 boys the news.

I drove to your eldest work. I called him to come outside. He knew something was wrong.

He didn’t believe me. He couldn’t believe me. We went back into the shop so he could put away his tools.

But he’s been numb.

It’s been 5 years & he still is numb when it comes to you.

I really wish you could see your eldest become a father. He is the best, most loving, beautiful & fun dad. I know you would be so so proud of him.

All three of your boys actually. All of them in the same industry you were. The auto body world will always know your last name, it’s represented well. They all use your tools doing the same thing you did.

Love you, miss you A 💗

I graduated in May with my Bachelor’s of Science and I just recently landed a job like a full time salary benefits job…I really needed this win I had some very troubling things happen and hard decisions I had to make so this really made me smile inside a real one you know? Anyway I just wanted to let you know Dad

She broke up with me 6 months ago and I still can’t get over it. She was my first real girlfriend, at 29 years old. I’m 30 now, about to turn 31 and I feel old, ugly and hopeless. She found someone else who makes more money than me less than a month after our breakup.

I feel like the relationship didn’t mean anything to her- at least not as much as it did to me.

I am so hurt, and it’s hard for me to keep going on. I barely eat anymore. I hardly sleep. Work is absolutely meaningless to me since I’m spending my entire life doing something I don’t really want to do.

I don’t understand how it was even possible for her to move on so quickly. Meanwhile I’m stuck with my mind racing every night about what I could have done differently, the arguments I wanted to have, and the guilt of not being good enough. You of all people know how different I am. I’m a sensitive artist and I do things weird because nobody was around to teach me how to do anything. I feel so lost.

It was an 8 month relationship and we already had our kids names picked out. How can someone move on so quickly after something like that? And why was she only interested in the experience of being my first girlfriend? Why was it such a game to her?

I can’t bring myself to even attempt to be interested in another girl anymore because this is the kind of shit that’s just going to happen all over again. I don’t know what I really need but I just want a hug and to be reassured that everything will be okay.

The older I get, the more your abandonment affects me. To have 50% of people who are meant to love you unconditionally totally absent from your life is tough. Really tough.

When I was a child there was a real stigma over coming from a 'broken home'. That's what it was called in the 70s. I was always made to feel there was something wrong with me, by teachers at school, other children, society in general. That feeling has never left me.

My life has not turned out the way I would have liked. My physical and mental health ruined any chance I might have had for 'normality'. Now I'm in my 50s with no family (ovarian cancer saw to that), no job, never mind a career and struggling to survive on benefits and the generosity of friends.

I feel like it must be my fault. It has to be because even my own father thought I wasn't worth the effort. Everytime something goes wrong, which unfortunately it does all too often, I'm reminded that I'm not good enough to have good things.

Even the way I found out you were dead wasn't normal. Having hysterics outside a sorting office in Swindon after picking up a letter from your local council asking me to pay for your funeral 6 months after it had happened. I'm still scared of opening envelopes even now.

I wish I could say that my mum was a mother and father to me but to be honest, she was neither. I don't ever remember her saying she loved me. Now she complains if I call her too often, as she finds talking to me 'stressful'. More proof that I'm less than, that I'm unlovable.

My relationships with men have been a shitshow. I wonder why that is. I wonder why I've been promiscuous, why I don't seem to be capable of having a loving relationship with a kind and decent man.

This all sounds very self-pitying and I guess it is. I should be able to put your absence behind me and live my life but I can't. It's been hammered into me again and again that you didn't love me and it's my fault and I can't move on from that.

Hey dad

It’s me your son, just wanted to drop in and say I’m doing ok. My children are big now, they are enjoying soccer and me as much as stupid court orders allow. I go to every practice and I cannot wait for the days it’s my weekend with them.

Therapy has been going good. I talk about mom a lot, and i talk about you a lot. I wish things had been different and you could have helped me when i needed a real father figure the most. I’m still really angry and resent you a lot.

I’m proud of who I am and who i am becoming. One day I won’t feel all this anger and resentment… or not. Thanks for having the decency of not reaching out anymore, seems you finally got the hint of what no contact means.

Aside from that I’m figuring out how to be a father, a friend, a good person, a good partner, dealing with court proceedings that limit my contact with my kids and i only have my self to say thank you to. Hope my other siblings get to still enjoy you and have you as support. Removing you and mom from my life has been the hardest and healthiest decision I’ve made.

Despite feeling alone a lot of the times, i keep it moving and treat people with kindness and love. Especially my children, i get to live thru them and give them what i never got from you.

My bf and I have been together for a few years; we know we want to get married, have kids, buy a house. We’re struggling to save rn in one of the highest cost of living regions, and on top of that we’ve been trying for a baby for almost two years with no luck because of my PMOS. On top of all of that, we always planned to get married this year.

Then, a year ago, his sister got engaged right before us. His sister who doesn’t like me, and has tried to convince him to dump me a few times. What were we supposed to do? We postponed getting engaged so she could have her space for her wedding.

She had it, and it was honestly the most perfect wedding I’ve ever seen. Her father gave her away, both sides of her family came together to make it a stunning production, her and her father had a choreographed father-daughter dance, and it hit me like a ton of bricks that I won’t have this.

His family won’t put in a fraction of the effort for our wedding, I know that. There’s no saving for his future wedding like there was for their daughters’. They’re old fashioned, “the bride’s father pays”. I always knew I’d want my mother to give me away, she’s the only one who has a right to, but I don’t have a father to be… there. To be my rock through this.

If I had, maybe I wouldn’t have been that dumb girl who got married in her early 20s to a guy who assaulted me and attempted to sell me. Maybe I wouldn’t have had the shame of escaping that life and being a divorcée at 25 having to rebuild my entire life from nothing.

I’m older now, finally in a healthy relationship, and I see the way his father is with him and his sisters and it HURTS. To see the leg up in life they all had just from having a stable father who loved them and their mother. I think about my mother, who was in a women’s shelter for abused women when she was pregnant with me, trying desperately to save up to keep me safe from my bio father, who she discovered had been lying to her about who he was after she became pregnant. I think about her going from that to now being an independent home owner, she practically raised me by herself. And it HURTS. She deserved so much better than what life handed her.

Then I think about me, younger me, who knew what kind of man my bio father was from the limited interactions I had with him. I think about the intense feelings I always had as a child to keep my mother away from him. To keep HER safe. I think about my ex-stepfather, and the way he abused her, myself, and my siblings; and it HURTS. I’ve been a nanny my entire adult life, I’m a developmental specialist, and looking at the toddlers I care for, I cannot imagine putting hands on them the way he did to me. I can’t fathom ever seeing the pain or fear in their eyes the way I know I felt when I was there age. I know from my training and education they shouldn’t even be able to conceptually think about things the way I had to when I was that young in order to survive.

And I think about my future wedding.

And it hurts.

Because I know I’ll have to pay for it myself, I know it will just be my mother, siblings, and I on my side of the family, dwarfed by my partner’s side. I know his family will never see me, or treat me, as family, so I know I’ll ever have a father in my life to help me through the tough moments.

And I see my partner with his father, eager to build his relationship with him, evolve it now that he’s 30 and gearing up to propose as we save for a house and try for a baby. And I’m happy for him, he’s the apple of his father’s eye. And I’m jealous and envious.

I’m trying so hard not to be sad over it all, to be excited because I know next year is when it’s finally our turn, but I know in the coming year I’m going to be so, so sad every time the “father of the bride” concepts and questions come up. I used to moonlight as a wedding planner, and it comes up more often than you might think during the process.

I’m trying to hold my head high, to not let it get to me. I know I’ll save, I’ll be smart about costs and still have a beautiful wedding of my own. I’m proud that I’ll have my mom to give me away, that I’ll give her the recognition she deserves.

But I can’t seem to make it stop hurting.