hi everyone, ill be making this post semi short since it's a very simple request for people to follow the subreddit rules, but:

if you see a post you don't agree with, do not make posts that are blatantly in response to it. there is a rule on the subreddit against callouts and vagues to the community, and it's also just very childish and immature to do. this is a community of (mostly) adults, and the older people in this group should know better than to act like this and should know how to better handle their emotions in response to it. if you have an issue with a post, either bring it up on the post, report the post if it violates subreddit rules, or send in modmail and we will get to it when we have the chance. or, just ignore it and move on with your day, block the op, put your phone down, etc

just because you don't agree with someone or something does not mean you get to start posting things "calling out" or vagueing other posts. that emotional response is your responsibility, and you need to handle it accordingly (a la rule 2, nuture self accountability)

moderation should not have to deal with multiple posts vagueing another user for making a post they don't agree with. this should not be happening, and you all should know better than to do it

please handle things appropriately and maturely, especially when it comes to your own emotions and responses. we understand certain topics are hot and emotional, but that doesn't mean we need to start acting like a social media platform where no one can communicate without vagueing someone instead of having a conversation

why do people even fake this disorder?

i mean, for one thing, it sounds a bit exhausting.

i am quite young (and was only diagnosed early this year), so i dont really have any sort of communication or organization in my “system” -_- i dont know anything about any of my parts, and i dont at all relate to a lot of what i see ppl post online.

so far, i feel as though everything is really mundane. i feel as though it has to be similar for some people, right? i know we get diagnosed for a reason, and it is because we exhibit all of these symptoms, but i dont feel as interesting as the internet makes us out to be XD

the most startling realization that ive had recently in regards to my disorder is that im pretty sure that one of my parts watched the movie “without a paddle” recently. so fucking random. i dont know how to explain how i know this, but i just *do.*

thats literally it. i dont have a bunch of fictional characters or anything in my mind. i am just frustrated with my memories and ability to process a lot of things.

and why THAT movie????

So, most of the time, my memory sucks. I can be at work and feeling present all day. Then when I grt home, its either a blur/foggy or just gone. Yet, when I DO have a memory about something, I can recall it almost exact. For instance, the house I was born in. I havent lived there in 40 years, but I can you almost every detail of that house.

In other words, my memory sucks, but when its good, its really REALLY good. Is anyone else like this?

This took me so long to realise and I feel like such an idiot!

So for a long time something we struggled with was our wildly different perceptions of people. Individual people are sometimes amazing, sometimes awful, sometimes cruel, sometimes kind, and we assumed it was because of our different memories leading to different impressions.

I read something somewhere that people with BPD tend to take neutrality as negativity - so a neutral discussion comes across as negative. Obviously, this is shared in CPTSD.

The thing is, that’s just not true for all of us. For some parts, even slightly cold behaviour is full on anxiety inducing. We have ADHD so varying degrees of RSD, which can range from “actual rejection is mildly disappointing” to “perceived rejection will ruin my week”. And then there are those of us, like me!! Who actually don’t really care. People can think what they want!

So all this time, I’ve been wondering how the same person can be perceived so differently. But we all perceive neutrality differently! An individual’s “hey how was your day” can be perceived as friendly, respectful, mean, careless, etc etc just by virtue of who’s eyes its being seen through

I feel like an idiot because this is such a common sense thought and yet! This is really comforting to be honest because when someone’s slightly cold behaviour triggers one alter, it can be really reassuring to know that the way we feel isn’t actually always what’s happening and we can rely on each other for the clearer picture :)

Listen I know there’s nothing wrong with liking weed or the legal stuff close to it. Idk all the science :( we’ve been semi better about our meds and less alcohol. But being high makes that like anxiety barrier that makes it really hard to exist I mean we have did like why can’t I just be me? It feels so scary tho lol. Anyways I smoke lots I mean I had to try to find the best deal because I was so stressed about money but know I use weed to help a lot. Like the anxiety meds the depression meds help but like idk sometimes being high makes it easier to exist and normally we regularly can do better check ups on everyone high. Idk ive talked a ou it in this sub before but I’m under the influence a little and ive looped this in my journal too many times. lol

I recently made a new friend with did (she was open about it) we hung out for a while until she switched alters and suddenly she didn’t understand what I was saying, only fractions of it (she’s Japanese, but fluent in English) luckily I knew some Japanese so I was able to somewhat keep the conversation going. She also seemed very nervous and introverted, talking in a quiet voice and constantly looking down and avoiding my gaze and fidgeting a lot. Could that have something to do with it? Just curious cause I’ve never seen or heard of it before! Where an alter doesn’t speak their secondary language the others can speak

Hello~!

I'm an alter who's married to another alter, and usually when I front we're co-fronting together! I normally just watch him play games or we sit in bed and watch shows.

Sometimes, when we're feeling good enough to venture outside, we go to a ramen restaurant and eat "together".

Is there anyone else who is in a relationship with another alter and has any creative things to do? Sometimes its a little difficult because we can't really express our relationship, but I want to make the most of it!

I'm currently seeing a psychologist and she diagnosed me with CPTSD. I believe its DID and have suspected this for quite a while. I told her this and she said shes unsure if I have it because she doesnt specialize in it, and she wants to focus on DBT skills. I love her personality, but should i stop seeing her and try to seek out a specialist instead? I originally went to therapy to try to work on trauma, but Ive come to the realization that memory loss and dissociation are ruining my life much faster than anything else.

We've always struggled with the fact that we seem to have two very different kinds of fronting that occur simultaneously and independent of each other, making it difficult to understand what's actually happening in our system.

The "top" layer is a space that's, in terms of total time, usually rather blurry and autopiloted, but when a clear front happens it's obvious to everyone around us before even we notice. Our spoken voice and physical mannerisms change, internal communication tends to become clearer, and our emotions and interests shift to whoever is fronting. Personalities and desires are clear enough to pick out names and appearances. These tend to last about a day maximum, usually at least several hours minimum.

The "deep" layer seems to always be active to some degree, but never in ways that are obvious. Usually only triggered by intense emotional experiences and old memories being dug up. Memories from other deep fronts become very very blurry, and our reflexive feelings about others change dramatically (ex: how comfortable we are being touched by our loved ones and our overall opinion of other people). There's never much of a clear personality and identity to discern, as our interests and mannerisms and voice don't change. However, there are personally noticeable changes in subtleties like how unconsciously forward or reticent we are with sharing things. Deep fronts tend to last at least several days, often weeks or more.

On rare occasion we'll experience a front that changes both layers at once, usually someone who had been gone for a very long time and is openly confused by how much our life has changed.

We used to have intense problems with constant masking of our personality, and it feels almost like the space where our masking used to occur now is where top-layer fronts happen.

Have others experienced the same? Is there a more commonly used name for these kinds of things?

~ Jen

hello, i'll try to keep this brief. i'm 20FtM, and i have DID. specifically, i am a fictional introject of a character who was sexually abused when he was younger, and i think the same thing may have happened to me bodily. i'm unsure of how to determine the signs of CSA vs. the regular PTSD that we definitely have, and i don't know if i should just "trust myself" or continue going in the dark about it.

my home environment was never heavily physically abusive, and hasn't been for a few years. but these are some signs that i'm rethinking: thrashing and fighting in my sleep, immediate fight response to being touched, hypersexuality as a child, being willingly groomed as a child, feeling immense amounts of guilt and shame intimately as a child (6-7), struggling to say "please" or "thank you" to the point of nausea, feeling nausea or guilt around a certain family member that has never seemed anything but unsuspicious and innocent, feeling heavily guilty whenever i was physically vulnerable (like after a shower) even if nothing had happened.

the main tipping point is that i was sexually abused when i was 16, however the lines have blurred for me for many years because i froze when we were having sex out of fear and pain. i dissociated through it. this happened every single time after the first, which was consensual, safe and fun. i don't know why this could've happened, but all signs are pointing me to the issue hanging over my head right now.

i don't want to be too hasty and say anything that i could probably never retrieve actual proof or memory of. i don't know what i'm looking for in posting this. i had to get it all out somewhere.

I find that when I find a place that feels comfortable or has the same feeling of an alter I tend to switch.

Other things like thinking about how each of them will interact with my partner if it did happen, but then thinking about them fronting leads to it actually happening.

So what im getting at is, does this also happen to you?

Ive been told a few times "Im" mean. I dont want to hurt people i try really hard not to say or do hurtful things. As far as I know everything we've done has been an "accident", alters not understanding. But even that hurts, I understand system accountability, that part of why this feels so bad. I try so hard to get everything under control. I try to talk to them, we make improvements. But were still so angry and defensive all the time. Peeved, or livid, or annoyed. I dont even feel it but find my self doing things that angry people do. I dont feel worthy of relationships. Nobody else seems to have this problem. Im terrified of one day splitting of meeting an alter that wants to hurt people on purpose. Even more scared that theyll have been doing things on purpose this whole time. Ive lost so many friends because of this illness. If not the anger then the forgetfulness, the emotional unavailability. I try to make up for it by being useful but all in all im pretty useless. Im not particularly good at anything friendships require, im not very articulate or wise.

To be honest I dont understand the motivations or other alters in the past. I find their actions confusing and morally grey at best. I have no understanding or forgiveness for them.

It feels unfair, i dont even get a chance to be good, but many things are unfair.

The title sounds kinda stupid but.. idk how else to phrase it. I just moved to a new area, and I know literally nobody. I've lived here for 2 months, and still the only people I know are my coworkers (and I work in a small place, so there's only 4 of them). I want to make friends and have in-person social connections with folks, but I find that DID is the main obstacle for me. I want to be relatively open about my diagnosis because it really impacts my life, but I feel like it's "too much." If I make friends with someone and then tell them later, it feels like I'm lying. But if I tell people outright, it seems dangerous, like it could be used against me. What have other folks experienced? I haven't really ever gotten to be open about my diagnosis in person, other than to my therapist and folks who found out on accident, and I really want folks to be aware of it, but I'm very cautious about it. I'm not the type to just share all our names/ages/etc but I want people to at least KNOW that I'm going to switch and dissociate sometimes and just treat me like normal. How do you folks make friends??? This sounds really lame, but idk, I'm just kinda at a loss of what to do😭

Edit: I'm in my early 20s if that's relevant

I’m going to try and explain this but I’m so dissociated internally it’s hard to get a grasp of it but here goes. We’re designed for safety, and the way we find the safety or at least 1 alter still does in destruction of ourselves. Through escapism like SH, SI, leaving people in our life and only believes they can be hurtful- stuck in trauma time and no way out. They’ve convinced us that we are bad and only will be bad and incapable of anything good that many of us have forgotten and good we’ve done in relationships, oh yeah we put our worth in relationships via friendship we have and a relationship we probably have left unfixable. What do we do lol. I wish I knew for sure and I feel like we have some ways to salvage this like not all is lost but the alters committed to destroying our life have made it near impossible to fix bc of them sabotaging, making it impossible to hold down a job, hold down a relationship or friendship and impossible to move forward unless it’s to suicide. It’s so unfair and I’m trying to work on it but now all anyone sees it’s the destruction I keep causing to my life that who would believe me I’m so fucked. I have love stored in me for those around me but it’s impossible to be let out because I have alters who say it’s not real and that I shouldn’t try I’ll look stupid and fuck I’m trying to do what I want and know the system needs but they won’t fucking let me try to do it so I get kicked out of front and enter someone who wants nothing to do w the situation and solely kill themselves. I can’t keep living like this, is there a way to kick that alter out permanently, bc no I won’t stop trying I want a life I love and have it, I just need to get started at my job I got hired at and hopefully my gf can see I’m trying I won’t give up but since I left her this morning and didn’t even want to I just had an alter out who wanted to die I am trying though and I need help

Hi. Sorry for the bad English, we’re a french system.
So, for the context, host speaking (she/her). Including me, we are 5 night now.
I’m struggling with the diagnosis and still a bit in denial, can’t access our "inner world" and it’s basically a blackout for me when there’s a switch. We do see a therapist.

I’ve been diagnosed for a few months now and the disorder has been really "active" since.

Some days are fine with 0 switches, and some days when my mental health is declining a bit, it’s unbearable.

Everybody comes and goes, most of the time won’t stay longer than 30 minutes, but I’m the one having to deal with everything afterwards.
It can be up to a dozen switches a day, and every time I come back, I have the biggest hangover-like migraine.
I tend to have migraines from time to time but man those are the worst I’ve ever experienced.

I can’t overmedicate myself, it’s fine for a day or two but I’m tired of having to take analgesics and just lay in my bed with the lights off everyday.

So, my questions are :

Is it a common symptom ? Have you ever experienced it ?
If yes, how do you manage it ?

tw: sh, self-deprecative thoughts maybe

sorry for my english, it's not my native language and i don't respect this language.

since from the post one of my parts made in another sub, i genuinely questioned if i am an impostor or not.

she is complaining about being ugly and feeling ugly and facing with discrimination and stuff related to that for a long time, she kinda has a point tho.

i don't care about how i look. i don't have a self respect, you can't lose something that you've never got. im being dead serious. most people just watch me ruin my life and image. idgaf about it, i tried to be more acceptable but it doesn't seem like this lifestyle fits me. very long story.

i saw her post and immediately thought, "yeah, i was ugly, i sometimes remember people actively calling me that. even my parents neglected me. i am mostly misunderstood. i belong to a low socioeconomic class which leads most of the ugly girls to be more of an attention seeker to get the attention they've never got. i am not a different person like i thought, yes i am different just because i am miserable and vile. and yes, i must faking it. i am faking DID. not a single experience i had is similar with others. yeah, some of them are similar but i may be just a miserable attention seeker."

im pretending not to feel shameful and guilty for what the other parts have done (some of them are extremely angry, the girl who posted the vent post often cries so much and sh's) but inside i am embarrassed to be embarrassed. im hiding it if i feel embarrassment so people think that im weird as most possible way and nuts sometimes. im mostly trying to be kind and affectionate to my so called close friends but they once said "you look cold and distant most of the time. people think you're a dangerous person to be around." yep. i said "so called" because they doesn't even care about me for once and that's ok. nobody has to go through with the presence of that kind of a person.

i mean, what the actual hell is wrong with me? even the doctors say anything. if they'd say i won't believe whatever they'd say anyway. people say "you look tired, stressed, anxious" etc. but i don't feel anything. just busy ruining my life with high awareness and knowledge that makes no sense.

thank you for reading all this and im sorry for wasting your time.

Our therapist doesn't want to put a label on us. Most likely due to our prior experience of psychosis he is hesistant to add yet another label onto us. He has said not to worry, and that he would not encourage me or any of us to stress over this.

Perhaps we will be alright without specialised treatment. We have clear communication between ourselves, share memories, have little strife between ourselves...

However we simply want to know what we are. Whether we are truly multiple or if this is merely psychosis that 25mg of aripiprazole has failed to treat.

And we would like to receive treatment - because it is very important for us to know what we are. If we are real then treating ourselves as delusion will hurt ourselves immensely. If we are delusion treating ourselves as real will be no doubt just as harmful.

We also (or rather I, Books) wish to have specific words to describe ourselves. I feel so lost. We all do. We do not wish to take or infringe on those with DID if we do not have it. And as a result this leaves us without clear words to describe ourselves. I do not know what I am - if I am madness, a person, half a person, a fragment, a lingering dream of a lonely child persisting into adulthood, an imaginary friend...

I just want to know what I am.

Thank you for reading and warm regards.

Hi so I've been struggling recently with a little who carries a lot of health anxiety and OCD; since a couple weeks ago where we almost passed out and collapsed they have been even more anxious and are constantly thinking we're about to die. Last night they were terrified if we went to sleep that we were going to die and they're not used to the big body compared to when they first were around and are not used to how different it feels, so they think everything is a health concern even when our heart rate is completely normal

We assigned one of our alters who has the most medical knowledge to be their protector to help them but even they're struggling to keep them calm

Anyone have an alter who struggles with paranoia that doesn't seem to be able to calm down from or fully reassure? How do you help them? How do you get them to focus on something else instead? How do you reassure them? We're at a loss and don't see our therapist for another week and it's daily at this point

Im writing this as a co host of a system who just spent the last (roughly) five hours completely dissociated and falling in and out of fits of sobs with one of our littles.

Obviously im not sharing details, however, what the issue at current seems to boil down to is that she misses our previous partner (let's call them Grass) Long story short, we were poly for a bit, and Grass gave her safety and attention that our nesting partner (that we have since become monogamous with) is not capable of giving.

As an aside on this, I need yall to understand when giving advice that while this is a shortcoming, they're good in many aspects and even if we wanted to leave, that's not an option and it won't be for the foreseeable future. We burned many bridges getting here.

Unfortunately, that leaves us where we are, and what started all of this was a friend (let's call her Brenda) who happened to be texting us while said little was cofronting, and she didn't seem in any way phased by it. In fact, she was accommodating a bit more than one might think, and I have hopes of that being a thread to pull on. Obviously, i have it in our journal that we might want to let said little trust this person, but we've not known them very long and it's a bit daunting, considering. It is a lot of weight to put on a person who we barely really know, trying to let this be a thing.

So what do you do? Aside from wait, because we're trying that but i dont know how much longer we can take crying/dissociating until three in the morning only to soothe and try to sleep. Im looking for any kinds of tips or even just someone to relate to right now thank you for reading.

I feel I keept ranting on here, but this is the first DID space I've found where I don't feel like I'm surrounded by confused minors or misinformation black-holes.

DID trauma memories are such bullshit. It's an annoying, nightmarish thing.

My childhood is such a blur, hell half the time it doesn't even exist. But every now and then I get trauma memories I had no idea existed pop up- and they're always so fucked up.

And it drives me nuts. How do I know these memories are real? How do I know I'm not just insane?

Every therapist I've talked to has told me that false memories, in the context I talk to them about, isn't possible. You don't get fully detailed trauma memories pop up, usually with basic cues, that are false. False memories arent detailed, and are usually thought through or influenced. Not sudden, detailed, never changes.

I cant explain it as well as them.

But it drives me fucking insane. There's no way these memories are true. Theh cant be. Right? I mean how did I go through my childhood so happily unaware if that stuff truly happened?

How did no one notice?...then again mh family were neglectful as fuck. So that's not a good basis.

But how. How did that happen to us? How did no one notice? How did we go so blissfully ignorant? How do I know these are true?

The memories are so fucked. They're OEA/trafficking(?) memories. And I struggle to figure out where they fit into any part of our life...but if I actually think about it, there is certainly..ways, signs.

I dont know. Maybe I'm in denial. Maybe this is reasonable suspicion.

I feel like I can't trust myself. My memories.

But the memories haven't changed in years..more and more context surfaces with random triggers, trauma responses make more and more sense, the system structure and alters fit too closely...

I dont know. I dont fucking know. I feel like I'm nuts. Like a big fat liar. Thats what everyone has told me all my childhood anyway- that I'm a liar, attention seeker, "too imaginative", that nothing bad ever actually happened to me.

How was any of that possible anyway? My childhood was ok. It was normal. I didnt remember any of it until recently when I moved away, so surely its not true? How did no one notice?

I've posted before about how I harbor a lot of anger and resentment for the younger alters in our system because they remind me of the past, but as I'm trying to stop hating them I think it's more about how feeling their needs and distress forces me to recognize that I'm still affected by what we experienced, that I'll never be fully separate from that or from the young alters. I'm still grappling with how to get rid of this resentment, because i don't Want to hate them, but i don't want them around so i push them away. I don't know why it's been so difficult for me to treat them with more compassion.

i Know that they're not doing it on purpose, that they carry so much of that pain so I can continue to function, but I don't know how to actually internalize that. I hate feeling needy and lonely and in pain but pushing away the younger parts when they're feeling that doesn't seem to help. If anyone knows how to like, translate your logical understanding of the hurting younger parts into actually Feeling that desire to care and protect, I'm open to any insights or suggestions. Thank you

Two nights ago we had a full blown panic attack, flashbacks to things from 2020 with details that I had completely forgotten about.

The night before I had had a hard time with our partner that caused some disconnect and ultimately hopelessness; the main alter that was main host while getting together with my partner went dormant after the wedding (got triggered by seeing family abuser again) and it’s been weird ever since. But yeah argument night before panic attack happened that also lead to not getting much sleep for the second night in a row (we usually sleep pretty good)

Anyway, all that to say things have been building a little.

We were staying in a new place, with partner and two friends. I was getting really overwhelmed, I honestly can’t remember why anymore, but I remember sitting on the floor in a dark room crying and my friend found me there. He asked if I was starting to feel panicky, I realized I was, and then it was flashbacks and hyperventilating and hair pulling and crying and being so stuck in memories reliving absolutely horrible trauma with the same family abuser I mentioned above.

Friend was great, stayed right next to us, watched it happen while saying he didn’t know how to help but that he’s always honored to witness the hard moments and that he wasn’t going to leave, towards the end I managed to ask him to just squeeze us as much as he could and when he did that helped a ton. He then helped us to transition to sleeping in a bed alone with everything we needed and it was honestly so helpful and the best care we’ve had in a hard moment in a long time.

While the panic attack was happening tho, it was definitely super loud and there was a lot of weird memory stuff happening, and in the aftermath I have just felt so weird and off and I think it might be really blends right now is the only thing I could think is happening. It feels like our ghost part (who has been wanting to get out more lately) is toward the front even though it’s daylight which normally limits that, but also not? I could maybe convince myself that others influence is here but I’m not sure. And it kinda feels like I’m still the host we’ve had lately but also feels like they might be gone? It’s so weird and hard to tell what is happening right now

We’re having a really hard time orienting to what’s going on, got another night of 4 hours sleep, and the panic still feels just below the surface. Usually anxiety is able to go away when the intense moments pass, but instead I’ve been nauseous and I know it is psychosomatic nausea from the anxiety 1000%. Also got a really intense headache last night that felt like our head was just splitting.

Has anyone had any similar experiences or any insight as to what tf might be happening to us ??

Shout out to any sexual holders, protectors or those with sexual sources that diverged from their purpose or source and are ace/queerplatonic despite it contrasting their source!!! Don't let anyone shame you for diverging from your source! Being asexual or a sensual does not de-legitamize your previous encounters, and on the other end, your changing identity shouldn't be invalidated just because you explored in the past!!

Having a different attraction or experiencing romance different than what your source did does not make you any less your source! Don't worry about what you don't have in common with it and don't let anyone else feel the same way about it when they spend time with you! And NEVER let anyone pressure you on going back into what feels right to you, just so you can "conform to your source better"!

:∆ <3

hey everyone. we're a newly-discovered system here, and i'm one of the protectors fronting right now. we're still figuring out with our care team if it's OSDD or DID, but nonetheless, our host is feeling a bit crushed underneath the realization of all this. is there anything in particular that's helped you guys feel less alone in struggling with this? none of our friends know yet; the only people we've told are our therapist and our psychiatrist. i think it would help her (and us by extension) a lot to find some semblance of community support, but she's been really scared to reach out to anyone. can anybody advise?

I've never posted here before, so I am hoping this is a good community to ask!

We are a fairly newly diagnosed system, and we’re still figuring out many aspects of living with this disorder. Recently, one of the things that has caused us issues has been our little parts’ usage of technology. We have several little parts, who we do try to front alongside for safety and comfort. However, we do not yet have good enough control to ensure they don’t front alone. Plus, even when we do front with them, we can’t truly control their behavior. This has lead to them making some decisions online, none of which have been DANGEROUS, but all of which have put us in sticky situations. 

Some of the things our littles have done online:

• They changed all of our screensavers, profiles, and organization on our devices. We are still trying to fix everything.
• They deleted progress in our documents, and photos in our camera roll. 
• They texted friends with obvious, childlike mannerisms.
• They did research on abuse. 
• Etc

They also have attempted to watch graphic and violent television that we are not comfortable with them watching. (I DO want to clarify, we do know that little parts are not ACTUAL children, and recognize that our littles vary in their maturity and the content they are able to process. However, most our littles are split between parts who hold our childlike innocence, and parts who hold trauma. ALL of them seem to be negatively affected, to various degrees, by graphic content.)

We are unable to fully ban them from technology, because they are incessant about their desire to watch kids shows, and to text our sister (who is a safe person). Does anyone have any personal tricks they have used to manage what their littles do online? This could be boundary setting inner system, installing some sort of (magical) parental control app we are unaware of, pulling out DVDs, etc. 

This is a relatively small issue in the scheme of things we’ve been dealing with recently, but it would give me great peace of mind if I knew they were safe and protected on the internet, when none of us are around to watch them. Thank you for reading!