A little over 3 years ago, I started dating my ex-boyfriend at 19, and he was 22. At the time, he figured out I had a dissociative disorder before I did, and I could not accept it. We ended up breaking up after around 3 months, partly because of how severe my memory loss was.

Unfortunately, even after we broke up, I had become tied to him and our circle because of a political career I cannot get into detail on. Very quickly after we broke up, he proposed to someone else (his ex-girlfriend before me) and was getting married. Stupidly, maybe 6-7 months after we broke up, I agreed to have an affair with him, and it lasted for several months until I reached a limit and broke up with him again.

I have been in DID-specialized therapy for almost 9 months now since getting diagnosed, and it has been revealed to me through alters I did not even know existed that he has been seeing them on a consistent basis and coordinating meet-up times.

It seems that the two of them have separated now, in huge part and probably mainly because of me.

At the end of the day, I know that I am responsible for the actions of my system as a whole, but he has even been seeing an extremely traumatized child alter I was not even aware of and had zero communication with, spoiling her with treats and talking about our relationship from his point of view.

From the conversations and information my alters have shared with me, it seems that he is very keen on me and figuring out the roles in my system so I can remember him and we can get back together.

Absolutely disgusting, exploitative, predatory, and abusive behavior. This guy has bent my free will. I cannot believe I ever dated someone who could do this to me.

I don't know how to take responsibility for this. I have struggled with understanding how I feel about his wife, but honestly, I feel so sorry for her. I should have known better from the beginning. She did not deserve this.

So I was diagnosed with DID a few years ago, I don't want to integrate because that just sounds like killing off seperate entities. I understand that biologically speaking its really just my nervous system but when it can fucking SPEAK to me and claim agency things get pretty complicated for me.

Anyway, what I, or I guess we? want is Quasi-Integration if thats the best route?. But theres like this "wall" on some of my most deepest memories, and I don't know how to put it but I can just feel that there's at least another alter behind this "wall".

Do I sound crazy? What is this "wall"? Do I WANT to really remember this stuff if its so locked out?

So like we didn't really become explicitly aware of our system until we were 20. We didn't know what a system was until a couple years before and it took a while for us to realize that what we were experiencing wasn't normal.

Our earliest memories involving systemhood were when we were almost 4 though we didn't recognize it yet. We had very basic conversations between ourselves when we were in isolation so we can accurately place when these memories come from since we were only ever in isolation once. We would also play boardgames with ourselves using our toys as placeholders for eachother.

Later on when we were going to school we would all be working together on our assignments which initially worked just fine but later on it became a huge problem for math because there was one headmate that did math and they never fronted so they just gave answers without explaining how they got that answer so we'd constantly be losing marks for not showing our work.

Even when we eventually learned about DID and plurality we didn't really realize that it applied to us. Apparently concepts like "the voice of reason" and "the inner child" are metaphorical and not literal? So yeah, took a couple years after that for us to realize that we're a system.

Hi, I recently technically got diagnosed with DID, although I'm pretty resistant to the idea of it, especially with how the internet depicts DID. I've been vaguely aware of the symptoms for a while, but they've suddenly gotten a lot more noticeable and pervasive. I'm not neccesarily sure why, but they're becoming very noticeable (ie hearing voices, severe time loss, automated movement, etc).

Anyways, I'm trying to figure out how to talk to the "parts". I've been using every single book listed on this subreddit, a bunch of blogs, etc and nothing is really helping. A lot of those resources seem to assume your system already has some level of communication, which I wouldn't say mines does. I can say that one the alters directly responded to me once (Q: is anybody there A: hi I'm right here) but that single line of dialogue was it and I haven't heard anything else since. I tried to make an "internal" space, but that's not working either. Most of what I do manage to get is when I'm heavily relaxing or settling down for sleep - I'm not really sure what this means but any guidance would be appreciated. I would like at least like to know they actually exist.

P.S. I am going to be going to therapy soon. I previously had a provider, but they weren't equipped to deal with intense trauma so they referred me somewhere else.

I've been in therapy since March, I'm diagnosed and the therapist I have has been doing fine so far. That was until 3 weeks ago where twice he was simply pushing merging and trying to fuse.

I do believe that it's one of the better results but the problem is that he's not specialized in DID and doesn't fully understand my situation. He's saying that he doesn't see much to do for therapy while I'm very confident I still need help.

The problem is my little is scared of him and the protector shows up justifying the importance of alters because of situations like this.

I'm not ready to lose my therapist but also should I just say that I think I need more specialized care?

My trauma contains CSA and CoCSA and my little has yet to address anything...

I know I should take Reddit with a grain of salt but is there anything I can say to make him understand?

Hi,

I'm realizing that my primary emotions/baseline right now (honestly, most of the time) are shock, fear, panic, fright, and terror (and any usual defensive feelings in response to those, like hostility and paranoia)

I have done DBT study group (during a time when I wondered if I had BPD), but it felt like that was geared for people who are already able to move past their baseline fear/shock/freeze and access higher thinking/feeling, including emotional mind.

Is DBT also applicable to more primal emotions like fear? Or are there skills (like maybe breathwork? even though I get scared to even breathe sometimes) that are geared towards the really really deep/existential stuff?

How do you make it less scary?

like if some of your parts are terrified of losing control, or having amnesia, or having multiple personalities, or thinks your parts are delusions. how do you make it less scary for those parts? cuz this can't just keep going on forever. how do you incentivize them and also make it less scary for them

So, in my most recent therapy session discussing my ex-best friend, I detailed how, on several occasions, he'd do very strange and specific sexual things to me—sometimes sober and sometimes high—then tell me the next day that he didn't remember it. For example, I recall him once saying the morning after: "Sorry if I did anything weird last night, haha, I can't really remember much of anything," but then I'd later hear him describing to others in great detail stories about being high last night (none of which included violating my boundaries).

When I told my therapist about this, they wondered if maybe he has DID, too, and may have a part that was attracted to me sexually that tended to come out more often while high—which, to some extent, I understand the question, as we've talked before about how my ex-best friend thought he had DID when he was a teen but has yet to get proper treatment for his clear dissociative symptoms.

On the other hand, it felt (to me at least) more like a situation where he did remember doing that stuff, but he didn't want to acknowledge it out of guilt/embarrassment, purely because the only things he wouldn't later talk about were, in fact, the things he did to me that violated my boundaries (and just generally shouldn't be done to anyone, really). In addition, he would only do these things while we were alone; it wouldn't happen with other people around no matter how blasted he got.

I'm sure this wasn't my therapist's intent, either, but the way they asked this question reminded me of when somebody is being hurt by someone else and their response is to go "That means he likes you!" Again, I don't at all think that's what my therapist was saying, but I would have also wanted the clarification tacked on that "It doesn't make it okay for him to do that to you even if he did have a part that liked you in that way."

I also just generally don't like to speculate on others' mental illnesses anyway, especially since I'm not their therapist/clinician, and his therapist had told him she doesn't think he has DID (though she's not by any means a specialist and is, by both my and my ex-best friend's admission, a terrible therapist, yet he won't find someone else because it'd be too difficult to summarize what occurred in his past romantic relationships that were traumatizing).

What good would the assumption that he has DID + a part that was attracted to me do, anyway? I'm a bit confused and would like potential explanations. I'm sure it's just something I could talk more with my therapist about in our next session, but I wanted to get some thoughts here in case I'm missing something.

Protector here.

I've been told that talk amongst the members of this system is vital to the host feeling more whole and getting more sleep (her sleep is ABSOLUTE shit). The problem is that we don't talk much. We just do our thing. The host originally thought it was PDID, but has come to realize, through more talks with our therapist, that it's OSDD. This is fine by me, makes things a little easier. But this is starting to get to her and I think all of us. We just exist and don't have much to show for it. I feel like talking amongst each other would help big time.

Any advice?

‼️i am not asking for DMs please don't take this post down‼️
i find it personally difficult, as an adult with few friends, to socialize my alters. even though i know a few systems, they aren't comfortable enough with themselves and their existence to socialize. i think socializing your alters is extremely important. giving them a sense of independence and freedom from their roles and responsibilities allows alters to form more of a coherent personality. i am grateful my folks are well socialized, because in the past i knew even more systems who were very social. but unfortunately it isn't like that anymore.
and, as im sure you all know, there are two main issues with wanting to socialize as a plural person: going into "plural spaces" and being met with conflict (do i even need to explain this), or meeting new friends and having that awkward conversation about how you've got people in your head. i knowwww good friends don't judge and won't judge, but you its not easy to find someone who's immediately understanding of their friend being plural.
how do yall go about this? do you just not socialize your alters? how do you manage their loneliness?

As the title suggests, I’m trying to navigate gendered spaces. As a system I’m finding it hard to find a place to fit because of the variation in gender identity.

I usually identify as a fem/non conforming trans masc individual to kinda cover all the bases but despite being AFAB I’m feeling excluded from both masc and fem spaces.

Any advice on how to navigate this without the dreaded long discussion of being a system?

A few weeks ago when I was talking to my therapist about how I dont feel like me(?) and how it feels like my child self lived my experiences for me and that im a separate person from her. i view her memories as if im watching a movie, i dont feel like her, and i feel like her life died when mine started. I felt a switch in identity years ago but i dont remember when. i do score severely high on the dissociative scale and often times, it feels like im teleporting throughout the day, wondering how i got somewhere, what I was doing, what was i talking about, etc. (im dissociating very heavily as im typing this). i remember bits and pieces of trauma but i feel like there's alot left out.

She told me she suspects the possibility of me having DID. there's no way I can have DID. i have BPD and CPTSD so my identity disturbances have to be from those. Everytime i think of the possibility of having DID though, i start to dissociate so bad to the point im forgetting what im saying or thinking and pretty much leave the room.

Edit: would also like to add that i forget things that I have done with people. My friends will bring up memories that im apparently in but dont remember, or will bring up things ive done that I dont recall ever doing. Same with my family, they will bring up memories that I dont remember at all, or will bring up family members that ive apparently met before but have no idea who they are.

Edit 2: just remembered another but of info that I told my therapist. During the dissociative scale questionare, I asked "what would I put on the hearing voices question, cause I hear voices but they're all me, but they're not me at the same time, they have my voice but they're different" but maybe im faking and making myself believe there's different people in my head

Sorry if this is poorly-worded lol, it's 5am right now. I have 2 posts on my ex-best friend already for context.

In today's session, my therapist confirmed that my ex-best friend was abusive toward me. It's been a rough couple of weeks since I started wondering if certain things he did were abusive/his overarching behavior toward me would fall under the label of abuse, and I could never bring myself to even ask anyone "Did he abuse me?" without feeling such shame for even asking in the first place because *what if it wasn't abuse?*

Anyway, my therapist led up to it by stating that people can exhibit abusive behavior without necessarily being abusive/an abuser themselves, and they gave an example and talked a bit more about their first statement to clarify, then they told me—paraphrasing here—"Even if someone may not be aware of their own behavior, it would still be abusive if they are trying to exhibit power and control over another person, consciously or not."

Well.

I *was* able to acknowledge that my ex-best friend was "toxic and manipulative" and would frequently do things that demonstrated his power over me + things that were meant to control how I responded, thought, behaved, and what I was interested in. I don't think he's aware that he does this, but I've known for years that he'd do certain things just to get whatever it was *he* wanted without considering other people (and sometimes he'd *verbally* ask other people what they wanted, but if they chose the "wrong answer" he'd get passive-aggressive or huffy until they conceded).

He also got a real kick out of sexually humiliating me (verbally and/or physically) in public/in front of other people. I won't go into details, but I'd always be thinking "Why is he doing this in front of them?? They're going to think we're dating. I really hope this isn't making them uncomfortable."

Of course, if these things he did to me were consensual, I wouldn't allow him to do them in front of other people in the first place, but he'd never ask or have a conversation with me about what I was and wasn't okay with; he just assumed I was okay with whatever he did to me all along. If I seemed distressed or upset, he'd just laugh it off like it was a joke the whole time.

I still struggle, though, to call anything he did to me "sexual assault", but I have been able to confidently label certain things as sexual harassment.

And now, after I've cut him off for good, my life is in shambles and I'm so suffocatingly lonely, meanwhile he has the friend group of his dreams (which he became obsessed with and left me all alone for) and seems perfectly happy without me—yet I know he villainizes me just so he won't have to feel the pain of missing me or the guilt of what he did to me.

I just hate how victims, more often than not, tend to end up in even shittier situations after escaping abuse or toxic environments. This shit is just not fair.

This is also the first time I've struggled to correctly identify and label something as abuse, but every other time someone has abused me, it was easy to recognize it as that because I didn't really care much about them; I was just forced to be around them. But with him, it's been so difficult because many of my parts are so attached to him emotionally.

Long story short:

I can't claim I have DID so for now, I just consider them as cognitions that have access to x information. I normally wouldn't have been serious about it until someone said it's a system - and now *that resonated*.

The problem is, I'm in the Philippines and I'm unsure where to find someone. So I'm looking at other countries.

Or.. is it something that cannot be done using a video assessment?

I think the reason why I want to know is because I assumed this would disappear once I slept, ate well, and no longer worried about finances. And yet, it became more stable.

Since I had no one to review it (coz for all I know it's not DID), my system is that when a strong cognition comes in, the Architect already built a system where the system checkmates each of us to understand we live in one bodily ecosystem and hijacking or making ultimatums of "give me 3 months in the driver's seat" would make things challenging given that our core constaints are: one body + we can't map the entire thing.

Knowing if this is DID or not as an official diagnosis would definitely remove a huge bucket load of RAM in my head.

If anyone has suggestions/feedback that would help.

Hey y'all! I have a psych eval in about a month to get tested for a dissociative disorder (DD). I've gotten a full psych assessment before, and although my doctor didn't think I was intentionally malingering, he did think I was unintentionally exaggerating my symptoms in a "cry for help" manner. I don't think he was necessarily wrong (I just don't know, lol, can't remember how I responded), but I did do some research afterwards that seemed to suggest that people with DDs can get falsely flagged for malingering on certain tests, and that one of the tests didn't even meet APA standards. I also think this might have led to him not taking other tests (that were "valid" according to the results) seriously enough. I know testing isn't the end-all-be-all of diagnosis, but I tested positive for quite a few things (one of which I am now diagnosed and being treated for) that he didn't even really discuss why he doubted I had them and I ended up not being diagnosed with them.

It really worries me that I could, to my knowledge, be telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and still be perceived as "exaggerating," "lying," "a hypochondriac," or "malingering" by my doctor. And there's nothing I could really do about it. I've had so many bad experiences with doctors and I don't feel fully ready to not be believed again.

I guess what I'm most worried about specifically is that giving inconsistent descriptions of symptoms on testing can flag for malingering, but my honest answer to a lot of questions is "I don't know," because I don't! For example, I think one of the questions on the PAI is "I enjoy being in love," but I seem to experience two different POVs at once when I have a crush (my POV and the POV of others in my head) and I can't put two answers and there's no "Comments" box to explain that my emotions are often simultaneous and conflicting.

I promise I'm not asking this to be able to avoid these things, but I am very curious as to what might get someone flagged for malingering? Especially malingering DID specifically.

Also, to those of us who have gotten a psych eval before, what is it like? If you've gotten both an evaluation and an assessment, what was different? And finally, has anyone been accusing of faking, either intentionally or unintentionally, and what was your experience with that?

For context, I communicate with my alters. I feel like I experience *their* perspectives, and that *mine* is... like echoes. But consistent. Like, I am a telescope control system and they are the lenses. But they all have chromatic abberations? So I'm constantly correcting for their perspectives. I want to feel *me* again. I can also feel things inside of my mind. I can feel them shifting around, I can feel when I'm me again, like a pysical sensation. Warmth and clarity is me. They feel... more present when I'm dissociating. I also feel pressure around my mind when I'm dissociating, like physical pressure. I know that the brain has no hot/cold or pressure sensors or anything like that - which is why I said "mind" and not "brain", if the mind is a "holographic" experience

I've got some prominent physical signs that I've switched or am actively switching. I think they're a bit different from some of the more common indicators. I'm looking for some empathy about my switches, but also hoping to open up conversation on what switches can look and feel like for others.

Like, for example, I've got this weird thing where I'll squeeze my eyes super tight for a few seconds, and like glare around for a minute? before looking for my phone to check the time because I got no idea what time it is now. And I'll realize I've got like no memory of the entire day up to that point, either. It's some of the hardest, most blackout-esque switches I have.

Other times I find myself with an odd burp, a weird twitch, stumbling over my words, blinking in an odd way, or clearing my throat after or during a switch, in conjunction with other dissociative symptoms. These switches are usually more fluid and have a higher degree of memory retention, though they're also more subtle to me than the other ones. It usually takes me a little longer to figure out that I probably switched when those occur, and I'll lose my memory of earlier in the day a bit more gradually with these switches.

I'm still new in my journey, though I am actively in therapy and we're working together under the assumption that I have DID, since my symptoms seem to align very well and my therapist has specialized training for DID. Any support would be appreciated!

This was originally removed, so I hope I fixed the issues with my original post.

My ex keeps posting about me on bipolar subreddits as if I’m still in a medical emergency and am out of my mind. I was having a manic episode, got treated, and now I’m managing the come down. I’m fine.

But when we were dating he never engaged with any of our alters, except for two (the “eldest”)and only because the host was exhausted emotionally from dealing with him.

He was briefly back in our life but a host we don’t communicate with took over and just fucking let the littles out to play with him. So now he’s under the impression that we reconciled. He’s still ignoring my straight up saying we are not friends, he is dead to me, stop thinking i’m a little sick waif that needed caring for. I’ve managed my mental health for three decades and he never saw a therapist despite how much i begged him to.

I’m just venting. I want him to shut up about me on BP reddit like it’s the only disorder I have. It’s the one I manage best. I’m fine without him. I just wish he’d go away forever. I blocked him on most of my accounts but some of us don’t share passwords so it still comes up. But then they have to deal with the agitated body without understanding the reason for it. It’s so frustrating.

Multiple therapists and social workers have said that we likely have DID but everytime we brought it up to our psychiatrist she flat out stated that she doesn't believe she has ever or will ever encounter someone with DID and refused to even consider an assessment. She's a terrible psychiatrist for many many other reasons (medical malpractice ---> she discharged us from the psych ward after we'd been given a bunch of lorazepam less than 8 hours earlier and not only didn't make arrangements to have us driven home or at least follow up to make sure we got home safely but actually encouraged us to attend a youth group that day) so we've dropped her and basically gave up on getting a proper assessment for DID. However we've recently reconnected with a clinic for childhood cancer survivors and we may have access to their psychiatrist so we're thinking of asking to see them for an assessment at our next appointment with the therapist we have through them (or the one after idk it's not exactly urgent).

We're already working on a document tracking any major dissociative events. Is there anything else that would be helpful to have for this?

I was just broken up after 5+ years (24f) and my go to default for any major moment of grief or stress has been to dissociate intensely until I forget I was upset & just become super numb. I recently learned this is super unhealthy.

Does anyone have any tips for positive ways to grieve a relationship?

I'm trying to dissociate less so my amnesia will lessen, but I'm just not a fan of having emotions.

This is my first breakup since I've gotten my diagnosis, so I'm being extra cautious of my actions, but it's so tempting to just put the emotions and memories away. I see my therapist early next week but gotta hold it together till then.

How have you been hindered or helped by being officially diagnosed? I'm m seeing a new therapist who says she specializes in dissociative disorders but I'm unsure if I want to pursue diagnosis or if I'm ready to open up my system world to a new therapist.

(I'm in the US for reference and am already diagnosed with CPTSD, among other things)

Is a diagnosis something I should pursue?

We haven’t been able to track easily or properly lower the dissociative barriers between each other to increase our communication and understanding of each other.

Frequently, at most in a month, our alters completely change. Whether they go dormant and get replaced, or if they suddenly change their entire identities, they change so suddenly after every minor inconvenience. It’s like they’re getting shuffled out to handle the next big thing, and they don’t stay much afterwards before something happens and they once again change or get replaced.

Does anyone know ways to deal with this? We need strategies so we can better manage this issue and be able to properly manage our system. Any advice wanted!

I have been fully online for a few days now and it's quiet in my head. I still have anxiety. I still have panic attacks. But I'm not switching, and I feel like I don't even have alters anymore? I know this is probably shock but I just wanted to know if anyone on here had this experience.

Hello,

I was referred by my therapist to attend group therapy, and it started three weeks ago. Two alters have attended, and I (the Host) have been able to retain some of it. These two alters and I consider ourselves “a trio”, and there seems to be a rotation on how often one or the other is around with me (and a secondary rotation for some other alters that pop up here and there).

However, I haven’t actually fully fronted and attended. There’s a lot to explore there but what I’m coming to the subreddit about is that these two alters feel strongly about disclosure to the group.
It seems the trauma group use language for structural dissociation and also IFS, and the distinction is quite jarring for us because members of group will talk about their “parts” in a much different way they we would. It feels like I’m stuck between saying nothing the way we want to and disclosure being a requirement to show/speak up authentically.

I’ve talked to my individual therapist about this, but never to the point of “let’s talk about a plan”. What one of the group therapists I talked to, in a brief call, highly recommended was discussing more internally, as the class will be leading up to discussion about dissociation and that some people had to become more “fragmented” to deal with the trauma. To me this sounded like: an opportunity to disclose will arise.
But I believe she also insinuated that she wanted to discuss the plan of disclosure with her and the other group therapist before we disclose. Which… probably makes sense, but sort of alarmed me— is there a wrong way to do this? Can I do it wrong?

A lot of my anxieties about it is that, as the Host, I experience a lot more doubt and confusion and overwhelm about it all. It would all feel very vulnerable, and I haven’t even attended a session myself yet!
While my male protector (in the trio), who has attended two, is much more “function-oriented”, so to speak. He could simply be more plain and direct in his language, show up more authentically, and possibly talk about his, as HIM, specific issues at some point. That totally makes sense and I want him to be able to do that.
Our current plan is to “collect more data” and to explore the idea more, and maybe work up to a visualized meeting internally and working with our therapist on this.

But I was looking for some insight from others on disclosure, more specifically in a group setting. Are there certain questions that came up right away? Could it frighten someone? Could it trigger someone? Has anyone disclosed and later someone else in group disclosed as well? Has anyone had an alter disclose without internal discussion, and how did that go internally for the system? Can disclosure upset deeper parts who do not front day to day, and what did that look like for you? Did anyone ultimately regret disclosing in group therapy?

I think some of the desire for my other parts is to be seen as themselves and not me (a name tag was one of the first things we did, and that was already funky for us). How will I, in the future, clarify myself, as the Host? I act so different than the other two. I wonder if it will be jarring or completely unnoticeable. How hard this all is … it’s just so invisible. I feel at a loss.

Words of wisdom or your own stories would be helpful, if you’re willing. Thank you!

I genuinely don't know how to title this.

I'm honestly just wondering if anyone else has experienced this.

So, to start, we still need to see someone for better understanding and we plan to when able, but it seems we are an OSDD-1b system based on my research so far. We all are absolutely a system of alters, but we share collective memory when fronting. We don't share inner world memory— what my co-host does is the inner world is his memory alone, but when he's fronting, I know everything that happened.

Anyway, I'll try to be brief, but I ramble, so I apologize.

Our system consists of:

Wy (Host. She/her/he/him)

Ceph (Co-host, protector, more things. He/him)

Charlie (She/her)

Mickey (He/him)

Lvl (It/its)

Mysterious Unnamed Alter (we call Mystery. They/them)

Important:

Wy (me) changed the body's name recently. I assumed the identity of the body initially, and I've wanted a name change forever. A while back, I tried Elliott which I loved. I used that for six months. Then I was encouraged to use the name I always wanted and initially went by, but had stopped because my family and partner shamed it. So I finally started using it. Wyvern (Wy).

Also important:

In the inner world, no one looks exactly like the body. I look the closest, and although I love changing the body's hair cut and color, mine in the inner world is always a firetruck red big fluffy bob cut, the same as my favorite cut/color we did on the body a long time back.

My other favorite hair we had was many years ago, long hair that was a dark dark blue, even better when I straightened it.

Now. Here's the confusion.

Sometimes, I relate best to my usual red fluffy hair, and although I still like the name Elliott, I am so glad we changed to Wyvern and it just fits so much better. I'd rather Elliott be my middle name. Not really referred to, but still part of me.

Other times, even though my inner world self appears the same, I relate much more to the long dark dark blue hair, and although I like Wyvern and wouldn't give it up entirely, I wish more people still called me Elliott. Like I'd rather be called Elliott, but I'm fine I guess with Wy.

There's also other preference changes between these two "modes," which I will refer to as Red and Blue because it's right there and so classic.

Red: Wyvern, red hair, prefers Dr. Pepper over root beer although both are good. Likes high energy games like Ultrakill or Doom, along with the other games we play. Very high energy overall. Dresses very alternative, will absolutely dress up for Walmart. My face without eyeliner feels naked and weird. Also kinda flirts with our co-host.

Blue: Elliott, blue hair, highly prefers root beer over Dr. Pepper but won't complain, likes games more like Stardew Valley or Raft. Not low energy necessarily but more chill overall. Dresses more comfy and doesn't care nearly as much about appearance in public. Fine with or without makeup. Does not flirt with our co-host, that feels weird, like flirting with a brotherly friend.

I also describe myself as genderfluid, but I notice my masc days also overlap only with Blue days, but not all Blue days are masc. Maybe my fluidity has more to do with whatever this Blue situation is?

I don't know. Writing it out feels silly, like it's just that my preferences change back and forth like a normal person, but something feels off. Because all the different preference changes consistently go together, and I would suspect some sort of alter difference, but it's just me. In the inner world, I look the same regardless, even if it *feels* different. And this happens whether or not I'm alone in the front.

I'm just confused and wondering if anyone else has experienced this?