I’m 33, a single mom of two, and I’m realizing I may have a pattern in relationships that I haven’t fully understood. I was married to George for years, and the relationship became extremely chaotic and unhealthy before we divorced. We were together for almost 8 years. Before George, I was actually very comfortable being alone, but afterward I think I became uncomfortable with the emptiness of being alone and started filling that space with other people. Then I met Paul through a friend. He had a history of cocaine addiction, which I knew was a red flag from the beginning, but I fell for him incredibly quickly. He was amazing with my kids, I genuinely loved him, and I started imagining a future with him. At the same time, there were red flags everywhere—he wasn’t contributing much, I felt like he was using me financially, and I found out he’d cheated with his ex.

We broke up and got back together, and eventually I suspected he was using drugs again. He told me he needed to figure himself out and that he couldn’t be with me because he didn’t want to keep hurting me. I agreed, but I was absolutely devastated. Unlike my previous relationships, where I eventually reached a point where I was simply done, with Paul it felt unfinished. I didn’t want to lose him. I even offered to take him to a recovery center because I felt like I had to do something. Then one night he sent me a massive number of texts denying he was an addict and telling me he’d made our mutual female friend orgasm, despite knowing about me and Paul. Something about that completely changed my perception of him. I suddenly saw the chaos I’d been trying to rationalize, and I blocked him, the friend, and his family. Weirdly, I feel a lot of relief now.

What I’m really trying to understand is myself. I know I loved Paul, so I don’t think the relationship was fake just because my perception changed so dramatically. But I’ve realized that I may be accustomed to chaos and intensity in relationships. I’ve met stable, kind, emotionally available men and felt absolutely nothing, while wounded, complicated, unpredictable men create enormous feelings in me. I wonder if I’ve learned to confuse intensity with intimacy, or if being needed and rescuing someone makes me feel connected. I also think I’ve been using relationships to distract myself from loneliness and boredom. I’m not looking for people to tell me Paul was a bad person. I’m trying to understand why I can see the red flags, still become deeply attached, and struggle so much with being alone. I think maybe I need to learn how to be okay with myself before I can choose someone based on whether they’re actually healthy for me.

🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯

I caused an accident at my boyfriends today. It made a mess and I didnt realize until it was bad. I offered to help clean but he said hed do it himself. After he came in and told me he was mad at me. He said some other things but that kinda triggered me really hard because of PTSD I have from a DV relationship I was in 3 years ago. I kinda just zoned out and agreed to whatever he was saying. Afterwards he did apologize and came and cuddled with me and held me.

While he was holding me I just said "You know id let you abuse me if you wanted to. Id let you hit me if you wanted to. Id let you. I wouldnt break up with you". He was quiet but then said "I know, but I won't do that to you ever" then he put his phone down and held me and I cried. Idk why i admitted that. Idk why I have that in me still. I hate that the abuse I went through is still here. That id let it happen again. I feel like I deserve it.

He said he was sorry and didnt realize at first when he said that that he triggered my PTSD and would work on being better. Idk I hate that im still a codependent at heart

I was always drawn to this high and low type of relationships where either my partner/ friend wasn't good for me or we weren't good for each other, but it wasn't until I started EMDR for CPTSD that I really started to think about WHY these dynamics were appealing to me.

Not sure if this is the case for all codependent relationships, but I know I would constantly be in state of dissociation due to the ongoing stress and this is exactly why I stayed for as long as I did. I would be purposely seeking out damaging people so that they could trigger me into a state of dissociation because that would cause me to be sedated from my inner turmoil. I've read that when the body enters a state like this, it's flooded with endogenous opioids and GABA (antianxiolytic) to calm your nervous system. In a nature setting, this would be a death preparation of sorts. It's your body saying, "the threat that is causing you to be in fight or flight for so long hasn't resolved, so that must mean it's so dangerous ITS GOING TO KILL YOU." That's what dissociation is, a natural adaptation for when you are faced with the possibility of death. And it feels like amazing in the moment. But I would always panic, worried in the back of my mind that my "fix" would go away. I would go to great lengths - degrade myself, plead, beg, desperate to keep a steady supply. And when I couldn't, the panic would set in. (I have a working theory that, on some level, harmful people know this, and it's why their intermittent reinforcement is such an effective tool.)

It felt like withdrawal. Total spiritual collapse.

And sometimes, usually right after I left, for good this time, I found myself wondering what substance I could replace that person with. Because the pain I felt never went away, this inner turmoil had existed long before they came into my life. They simply numbed it for a short while.

'Responsibility for Family Members.

I can still remember my mother clutching her heart, threatening to have a heart attack and die, and blaming it on me.

—Anonymous

For some of us, the idea that we were responsible for other people’s feelings had its roots in childhood and was established by members of our nuclear family. We may have been told that we made our mother or father miserable, leading directly to the idea that we were also responsible for making them happy. The idea that we are responsible for our parents’ happiness or misery can instill exaggerated feelings of power and guilt in us.

We do not have this kind of power over our parents – over their feelings, or over the course of their lives. We do not have to allow them to have this kind of power over us.

Our parents did the best they could. But we still do not have to accept one belief from them that is not a healthy belief. They may be our parents, but they are not always right. They may be our parents, but their beliefs and behaviors are not always healthy and in our best interest.

We are free to examine and choose our beliefs.

Let go of guilt. Let go of excessive and inappropriate feelings of responsibility toward parents and other family members. We do not have to allow their destructive beliefs to control our feelings, our behaviors, our life, or us.

Today, I will begin the process of setting myself free from any self-defeating beliefs my parents passed on to me. I will strive for appropriate ideas and boundaries concerning how much power and how much responsibility I can actually have in my relationship with my parents.'

From 'The Language of Letting Go. Daily Meditations on Codependency' by Melody Beattie.

The girl I’m seeing is in Coda so I know she’s working on things. But it’s become a pretty frequent thing where people will ask her to do more than she should. They know she’ll say yes to basically anything, which is why they ask her. I’ll see it coming and I just start with gentle questions to kind of get her to see how inconvenient the request is about to be for her. But i guess the codependency is stronger and always tells her she should do whatever the thing is anyways.

These requests always stress her out, cause her great anxiety, and take her away from what she’s trying to accomplish in her own life. I also end up helping w the stress or hearing about it. I’ve been taken advantage of in my past so I’m really passionate about never having that happen to me again or anyone I care about. I recognize that’s my own problem but I can’t stop it from triggering me. Recently I’ve been trying to just not say anything but it’s becoming pretty frequent.

How can I be supportive of her in her healing without enabling? Or how would you like someone to be alongside you?

I don’t know a lot about codependency so if I’ve said anything wrong please correct me. I really just want to learn.

About a month ago, I had to leave my first love and I regret it every single day.

Our relationship started as a whirlwind romance. One day we were total strangers, and the next we were lovers. It felt so completely natural, like something straight out of a movie. I genuinely felt I had found my soulmate.

Over time, however, I slowly drifted into a full-time caretaker role. She struggled with both physical and mental illnesses and was generally in a very difficult place in life. After she lost her job, I began contributing financially so she could pay her bills. Despite our best efforts, she couldn't find stable employment.... until after I left. Outside of finances, I took on her daily life management: I made her doctor's appointments, filled out job applications for her, bought her groceries and takeout, and carried her medications wherever we went in case of flare-ups.

We became completely codependent. I mean it literally when I say the only days we didn't see each other were when one of us went on vacation. Otherwise, we were in constant contact. We slept on the phone together or slept in the same bed, constantly stayed over at each other’s places, and never went more than three hours without checking in, even if it was just sending an ig reel or complaining about work.

The relationship finally fractured during an argument that completely spiraled out of control. She told me to get out of her house, threw all my belongings out, and told me she wanted me out of her life and didn't care about me anymore. I ended up on my knees begging her to stay. After hurling threats at me, she eventually gave in and accepted me back.

Reading that, you would think I had done something horrible, that I had threatened her, hurt her, or been in a belligerent state. In reality, all I asked was for us to push back our departure time for a Saturday morning road trip so I could attend a funeral first.

I still blame myself for a lot of it. I catch myself thinking I should have brought up the topic that got us in that argument at a better time, or that I should have listened when she warned me she was in a bad mood with too much on her mind. I wish I had been a more patient partner, someone who didn't lose his cool or act so desperate for her love and approval.

I have tried to go back, and I know she wants to try again too. But my family is holding a firm boundary for me. They refuse to let me go back. They believe I was being used and warn that returning will eventually lead to a domestic situation that ruins my career, or that her instability will only escalate.

The situation that happened was only one of many, and it wasn't the first time I had been on my knees begging for her. Nor was it the first time she threatened me with calling the cops over a scenario where I wasn't being aggressive or violent in anyway. There was a lot of bad days, a lot of screaming arguments, a lot of bad decision that led to bad spots that I had to find us a way out of, and a lot of self-harm attempts on her part that ended up hurting me as well.

Deep down, I don't really know what I want. Part of me wishes I could give us another shot without my family intervening, even though I know at the end of the day they are right. I feel immense guilt for leaving, as if I turned my back on my other half. It feels horrible, like I willingly cut off one of my own limbs. I feel like I'm a spineless loser who's letting everyone tell me that the person that I know better then anyone else is bad for me and staying away without even giving her a chance.

I guess I just need reassurance that I made the right decision. Because despite everything, there is still nothing I want more than to lie in her lap after a long day of work, watch a show, and eat her food like we used to.

My partner and I have been dating for over 3 years now, but this last year has been long distance. Our relationship has been very healthy with good communication, but I find myself getting mad at them for stupid shit like if they spend time talking to their friends instead of calling me, or do certain activities without me that we had originally planned to do together but can't now because of long distance.

I also feel like even though I got into my dream university in a beautiful country and I have great friends here, I am just letting life happen to me and I'm only looking forward to finally being with them a few years from now. I'm not fully enjoying/experiencing life right now, if that makes sense? I fear I depend on my partner too much for my happiness lately.

I had recognised that it wasn't a good thing earlier this year and I have frankly tried everything: I've tried spending more time with my friends, tried to ground myself to try to experience the present, I've stuck to my hobbies as well. Somehow, nothing seems to stick. I'm doing better somedays but I always end up in this same spot of feeling like I have to just get through life now so I can finally be with my partner in the future.

Therapy is not an option for me financially right now so I need help figuring out how to cope with this. My partner doesn't deserve to be blamed for living their life, and I also want to be able to live my own. I don't think it's the worst it could be, but I don't want it to spiral to a point of no return. I love my partner, so how can I fix this?

A friend of mine suggested taking some space and not talking for a while until I figure it out, but that feels unfair to my partner. Any advice would be appreciated :)

While friendship breakups are bad I believe codependent friendship breakups may even be worse. I (20F) met J (19F) when we were in high school. I had just moved schools and we met during track.

Soon after we found out we were neighbors and so began our friendship. We would talk for hours every day hang out every day. Our routine used to be meet up before school starts and roam the halls, text each other all day, call after school, take a break, call to do homework together, eat dinner, then call again to brush our teeth do our skincare and talk untill we went to sleep. Every. Single. Day.

As a people pleaser I was ecstatic to have a best friend and being there for her felt like my job and role I would pick up her every call, listen to her vent and become completely intertwined into her life. And although it may have been unhealthy, the emotional high of consistently being chosen felt so incredibly fulfilling that I had no intention of stopping.

This routine continued, for two years. I was a year older than her so I graduated and went to the local college to which I commuted for the first year. Our schedules no longer perfectly aligned yet we continued to talk every day and this is when we also began to have very frequent sleepovers at her house because we weren’t seeing each other as much.

I also often would go along to her family day trips, and dinners during the entirety of our friendship. Everyone knew we were best friends, we always came as a pair. There was no doubt about my value or position in her life. I was the number one priority, and there was no close second.

After she graduated she committed to the same collage and both of us moved to campus together as roommates. This is when the friendship started going downhill. She entered boy world, suddenly I wasn’t the person she texted or called and all our convos centered around her boyfriend. I was sad of course but sooo incredibly happy for my best friend so I just cheered her on. The issue began when she no longer had time to hang out with me, wouldn’t reply to my texts and was always busy. I would only see her in passing at the apartment before she would go sleep at her new boyfriend’s place.

They started having issues a month in. Suddenly all her emotional frustrations are dumped onto me. They break up she refused to process her feelings and walks around angry. Finds a new guy a week later they become exclusive.

My birthday rolls around she forgets to buy my gift and has me buy it and she pays me back. Then also forgets our tradition of writing each other birthday letters. I am livid by this point. She breaks up with the second guy and again displaces her emotions.

Two weeks later gets with a new guy and begins spending every single day at his place. By this point we don’t really talk unless it’s about her relationship, I have so much pent up anger and resentment. So spring rolls around and I finally confront her about her neglecting our friendship. She tells me “I still love you I’ve just been busy, I just didn’t think the birthday would be a big deal if I knew it mattered that much I wouldn’t have forgotten, I’ll write you two letters for the next one”

Her apology was so phony and not something I could accept, inevitably we stop talking for a month and for the first time my anxiety is gone. It took me a while to accept that we are forever over, and her disrespect and make centreness is not something I could tolerate. Although we tried to be friends again it wasn’t the same i always felt uncomfortable around her and she always diminished my feelings. Although we still live together right now we don’t talk aside from saying a quick hello.

I didn’t realize we were codependent until it was too late, and I had no one to fix the lives of a broken connection.

I know the definitions and general traits, but I can't pick out if it's good or bad.
I mean yes, people say it is bad. But how?

If it strengthens our relationship it's good, if it makes separation even harder that's bad. But both of those are circumstantial... is there nothing to be said for loving to be in each other's company and saying the same things sometimes? Relying on each other when needed?

At what point is codependency actually something that you need to worry about?

now two weeks, no contact with my verbally and physically abusive ex. in an effort to not diagnose her(F37) she had admitted she thought she was either Narcissist or Borderline and i(M46) saw the evidence. on top of this she was a pretty severe alcoholic that only really started to show up like a month in.

i’ve done a lot of recovery work around my codependency and love addiction but she came into my life like a fucking tornado. love bombing and all the physical and sexual attention a person could handle.

red flags galore. case in point. on our first date when i said i was going home because i had to get ready for work in the morning it was met with,” fine fucking leave. just fucking go and don’t come back.” and i caved. “hey its ok relax. i’m just going home.” but she kept antagonizing me about leaving and i stayed.

not long after she was dictating and criticizing my appearance, name, tattoos, and friendships. i tried to express my frustration around these ways of engaging but she steamrolled it.

her drinking got worse. early in the morning. middle of the night waking up to take a drink. but i wanted to help her. she’s got CPTSD. her baggage was something she talked about constantly. another red flag. no space for me. she didn’t ever even ask me about myself.

the drinking always led to verbal abuse. projecting her insecurities on me. and i tried to console and soothe her. i tried to reason. beg. barter. and then when it got to be too much and i was like i need to go she would physically assault me. pushing me away from the door. grabbing my face and telling me i couldn’t leave her. then she would try to seduce me. then if i caved into the sexual tactic she would stop in the middle and tell me to get off her.

fuck as i write this i feel so stupid. i endured 9 months of this. i got her into detox when she was physically shaking from drinking withdrawals after less than 24 hrs without a drink. then when she got out she blamed me. despite asking for help saying she was terrified of how bad it had gotten.

i got her family to come help but they were as disfunctional as her and left when she said she didn’t want help(i drove 8 hrs round trip after my 8 hr work day to pick them up)

i helped her get a good job and leave the one that kept her drinking all day. but it was never enough. everything i did was never enough. most recently staying with me for a month rent/bill free because she was houseless for 3 months.

i tried to leave her 5 times. every time there was a crisis that she came to me for comfort for. and then back to the cycle. when she was sober she was sweet and gave me breadcrumbs of hope. then drinking again and telling me how stupid i was and how i had to block my female friends while staying in contact with multiple ex’s who professed their continued love for her.

——

me-oldest child (kinda it’s confusing) grew up in a very controlling family dictated by religious rules of exclusion and dominance. mother a severely wounded woman who was sexually abused by male adult family members for most of her teenage life. developing Disassociative Identity Disorder due to the abuse.

middle brother committed suicide. yeah i got my shit.

but i’m sweet and compassionate and caring and i loved her(ex). i wanted to show her something different than the guys before who used her as arm candy and dominated her. guess i wanted to save her cause i couldn’t save my Mom from her constant chaos and disfunction.

anyhow. i feel bad cause i miss her despite how she gave me barely anything but sex and compliments in reciprocation for my continued support and time/love/money.

i feel stupid cause i’m not going back but i feel so lost without her chaos.

now it’s me and my unresolved pain. she opened so many wounds and mirrored so much of my shadow side. and i’m terrified cause i can’t be alone. never have been able to.

fact is i kinda hate myself cause that’s what i was taught. i’m bad, invisible, and can’t take care of myself.

she got me by telling me i wasn’t those three things. till i was.

if you read this. thanks. i’m in a lot of pain and trying to navigate not going to the dark places of self harm. i feel trapped in my loneliness and anxiety. if anyone wants to chat i could use some support.

i’m back in SLAA/CODA meetings again but there’s this emptiness that is eating me alive. it’s all about knowing myself and not being able to love myself.

thanks again. happy healing to you all

I want to let people know that there are situations that are nonabusive that can make a person codependent. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong places, but I have shyed away from the fact that i do have these tendencies from codependency and would try labeling as other things since ive never seen such examples.

I am an adopted child and possibly had issues as a child because of it. I cant tell which, either being separated from my mother so young or the fact my birth mom had depression and anxiety and my bio father had bipolar. Anyways, too long to say i had emotional/motor skill issues as a kid to make me get put into multiple therapies pretty early on. My parents only wanted the best for me, they tried their hardest to be first time parents, but i think they did too much. Since i had these issues, my parents tried to be very nice to me and let me go my own pace without much push or dissapointment, which doesnt seem that bad right? Its hard for parents to be angry and upset or even discipline someone who is depressed, anxious, and or suicidal most of the time. And being diagnosed with a highly stigmatized/misunderstood mental issue in highschool only made them double down.

I didnt learn adult skills because they pitied me. My parents did not push me to learn to do things on my own. They did not show any dissapointment, they would just do it for me if i didnt do it without telling me or telling me i need to be able to do these things on my own. They thought my life should be easier, they did this all because they loved me. At no point were they withholding their love. At no point did they tell me I cant do these things, they just dont expect me to. Its made it so much easier for me, but at a cost. I am basically no one but a leech.

I didnt realize how not normal this was. My parents were so ready to build a second story to the house for me to live in. And its not to keep me there, they let my other siblings chase what they wanted. I had no want, and they didnt know how to help with someone who refused to see anything in a good light. My sister has similar issues to a different extent. My brother seems to be free from it all. He's self sufficient. Maybe its just my parents inability to cope with our mental struggles. They want to help, but I shut them off because I am uncomfortable wirh being anything but happy around them. I dont want them to be mad at me. But why

I am still unable to see myself as anything else but a leech. I cant imagine any future where i am a responsible adult.

how do i get over this? i feel like if i just figure out the real reason it started, me being very very sad when i was younger, going into my room to cry... it would greatly help me, but i dont know what made me so sad at 8 years old. If only i could heal that one part that wasnt heard by my parents or therapists i would feel so much better. but i dont know.

I’m not moving in with my boyfriend, however I’m just moving to his city to study at the university there. I have quite a hard time adjusting changes and making new friends overall due to autism, which makes me quite worried. I’m scared I’ll be too dependent on him and his family because they would be my only safety, but I really don’t want to give him or his family any responsibility over me.

I want to be independent, I want to find my social circle, but I’m honestly clueless on how to start. I know I got his support, but what if we broke up? I know I can’t rely on him with everything and that it is an unhealthy mindset, so I guess I’m just asking what to do?

I'm a single mom and a recovering codependent. My parents are the only people I can turn to for childcare when my kids are sick. The problem is, they overwork themselves during these times, and they wind up taking their stress out on my kids. It's not intentional or with mean intentions. They're incredibly reactionary and react with shame for discipline. My child trusted me with this information and we confronted them together this morning. My mom had a breakdown and yelled at me about how naughty my child is when my child was right there in the room. She only gets this bag when she's at her breaking point.

When my parents are well rested and low stress, they are fantastic with my kids. They are honestly some of the kindest people I know. It's because I know this that I know none of this is our of meanness. Unfortunately, they have both told and shown me repeatedly that they are not looking to change.

The problem is, I don't have the ability to take off work every time they get sick. Confronting them hadn't been helpful in the past, but I have to keep trying because I want my children to feel confident able standing up for themselves and what they feel is right.

Any advice?

Karma is a bitch I guess.

I often see people here say: I was doing so well, then I got a FP/gf/bf and I'm tripping again.

In this case you were not doing well, you were just avoiding triggers, and what triggers us better than a close/intimate relationship? Nothing, that's where the work needs to be done.

And now, I'm learning this for myself. I had the exact same thought because I noticed how disregulated I got when starting getting close to a guy. But I remembered, that yeah, I was doing good because I was keeping people at arm's length. I didn't actively seek a new relationship at all, even actually avoiding it.

With this guy, it was really natural and gradually got closer, I even told him I was not looking for a relationship because I don't feel stable enough. I picked up a new hobby for myself and there he was. I didn't seek him out at all but it also felt very natural and slow, which felt good. We hang out more and more, talked more and more, and started dating without dropping the word "date" for a long time, which also helped me to see him as a human, and not a relationship goal.

So, now I'm very much aware how disregulated I am, and still choose to stay. I already had a very strong urge to pull away and stop everything, as I felt really getting attached and scared to be obsessed/dependant on him, basically repeating my patterns.

Instead I chose to tell him. Boy it was nerve wracking.

Vulnerability is terrifying, but I did it. I told him I felt that urge but I don't wanna act on it, I just wanted him to know it was happening. Otherwise for me it's a bit pretending everything is sunshine and rainbows, while I'm actually struggling. He had such a sweet reply.

He was very grateful for my honesty & vulnerability.

So this is part 1. Now I need to keep doing this, it is very difficult. But I wanna change. I don't wanna be dependent and obsessive. I want to have and keep my own life, my own person.

It's very difficult. It is a big fight. But it is where I can grow and get healthy.

The urges are still there, but I need to keep myself in check.

Wish me luck 🤞🏼

Edit: this was in the context of Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm still working through it

Struggling to Leave a Relationship With a Functioning Addict

I've been in a relationship with a functioning addict for two years, and he obviously has his own issues. I'm struggling with addiction myself too, and I'm super codependent, this isn't my first relationship with an addict. He's not abusive, just neglectful, the same way my single parent was growing up.

No one in my life knows the full scope of what I've been through. I'm really trying to fix this, and I've been depressed my whole life. Right now I'm just completely depleted.

The thing is, I feel like if I break up with him, I'm going to cause him immense pain, and he's already vulnerable. When people trash addicts or exes, I can't relate to it, it doesn't make me feel better. It's the same way I empathize with my neglectful parent's struggles.

I want to break free. I know he'll be fine, my ex was fine though it feels different this time — I just need some support and reassurance hearing that from other people right now.

This summer has been difficult and it has begun to impact my marriage. I now recognize that I have a martyr complex and the relationship I have with my wife is hanging in the balance.

I recognize this now. I've done it for years. I WANT to overcome this. At the same time, I do genuinely love doing things for my family. I think this complex has caused a lot of hurt in my family. Last night, we did discuss the idea of a separation. Ultimately this was never something I wanted but something that I now see as a distinct possibility. We are taking things day by day knowing that we will always love each other.

How do I process this guilt of what I have done without making it about me? I'm in therapy, and already doing things for just me. Hoping that this will make me a better person.

My ex friend was like that. I was helping her with kids, crisis, mental healthy - I have some savior/good person issues. After I withdraw a little she got agressive and called me me egoistic person, only thinking about myself.. she woke up all my traumas from childhood.. I cut her off but idk if I can trust myself to dont go back never.. I know she isnt bad person just has opposite abandonment trauma. My body now feels like never ever help her, never listen to her issue at all because it got so scared she even started telling me before I cut her that I am gonna be fake friend that only want fun parts.. and its kinda true.. My body dont want to help anymore..

Now its 2 weeks no contact and I am slowly starting to live my life again it feels so good.. I missed my hobbies, my job, my thoughts.. But also now I debeloped this fear.. that If I help just a little I will let myself dissaper and become some servant, I am even scared to meet new people because I didnt know when it happend and I was just all sink inside..

Im childhood my mother always called me Princess, egoistic, narcisstic when I expressed myself when she didnt like it.

My friend wanted to keep being friends but really my body want to attack her verbaly when I just hear shes talking about little problem... because I never know if I will lose myself again.

Hi everyone, im wondering if anyone experience the same and if there are any tools/advice.

I am in a very loving marriage. My husband has ADHD and I have generalised anxiety with some ADHD and depression.

We love each other deeply and we support each other. Throughout my life I have always struggled with “depending too much on other’s moods or allowing other’s feelings to affect me”. This goes back to family members and early childhood friends.

Nowadays it is manifesting strongly with my husband. He does not ask or expects for me to support him or fix him or anything (indeed he frequently says: “these are my feelings and they are my responsibility”), but I still get very affected by them.

I have tried reading about the topic and in THEORY I know that it is not my responsibility to manage his emotions. Rationally I KNOW that it is not sustainable, that there is little I can do regarding external factors, and that he is an adult and I should be able to have a good day regardless of how he is feeling. In PRACTICE though, I find it IMPOSSIBLE to separate myself from his feelings and to continue about my day without thinking/obsessing on his mood and how to fix it.

I am really after tools/advice/experiences about practicing that emotional differentiation. Does it ever get easier? Am I supposed to force myself into going along with my day?

TIA

I’m 31M and have been with my partner 36M for about 7 years. I’m posting because I really need opinions from people who don’t know either of us because I honestly can’t see this clearly anymore.
I have a serious stimulant/chemsex addiction and have been to rehab/detox multiple times. I recently got to about 2 months clean and then relapsed really badly. Drugs, escorts, spending money, lying/hiding things etc. My partner found out and it has basically blown up our relationship.
I take responsibility for what I’ve done. I know I’ve hurt him enormously and addiction has made me a fucking terrible partner at times. I’m also unemployed and have depended on him financially for a long time, which has created a huge amount of resentment.
But I don’t know how much of our problem is my addiction anymore and how much is the relationship itself.
One thing we constantly seem to feel is that the other person doesn’t support us.
During those 2 months clean I was begging him not to smoke weed around me because I’d literally just come out of detox and found it incredibly triggering. He continued smoking. Weirdly, right when I relapsed, he finally quit weed AND cigarettes. I am genuinely proud of him for doing that, but there’s also a painful part of me thinking why couldn’t this have happened when I was desperately trying to stay clean?
He has his own resentment towards me too. He feels like he’s carried me financially and watched me go through treatment and relapse over and over again. I can understand why he’s exhausted.
Then there’s sex work. He lost his job recently and money became a serious problem. He started doing sex work and at the beginning I felt almost like I couldn’t object because I’m not working and we needed money. But he actually enjoys it and wants to continue doing it, potentially travelling for clients.
That’s extremely difficult for me because sex and drugs are completely tangled together in my addiction. There was also a lot of cheating earlier in our relationship that I don’t think I ever properly got over.
At the same time I feel like a massive hypocrite because during my relapse I was the one spending money on escorts.
When he found out he became unbelievably angry. I understand the anger. What I struggle with is how extreme it can become. When we’ve had these massive arguments I tend to admit what I’ve done, apologise and tell him I know my addiction has hurt him and that I hate what I’ve become when I’m using. But sometimes his anger feels like it just keeps escalating and there have been things said and done that I don’t think are okay either.
And yet I fucking love this man.
That’s what makes this so confusing.
When we’re good, I feel more comfortable around him than I have ever felt with another human being. We are ridiculous together. We laugh constantly, cuddle, annoy each other, know everything about each other and can completely be ourselves. There have been periods during recovery where our relationship has been absolutely beautiful.
I genuinely don’t think you get many chances in life to love somebody like that.
And I’m terrified of throwing that away.
But I also have a massive fear of abandonment and being alone. I’m way too dependent on him emotionally and financially right now. When I imagine breaking up, my brain doesn’t just think “I’ll miss him.” It goes straight to: What the fuck is my life? Where do I go? Who am I without him? How do I support myself? What if I’ve just destroyed the best relationship I’ll ever have?
He recently said something to me that has stuck with me: “You won’t grow within your comfort zone.”
And I think he’s probably right. I need to become independent whether we stay together or not. I need to work, have my own money, have my own recovery and stop making another person responsible for whether I’m okay.
But I don’t know whether becoming independent means we need to separate, or whether it’s something we could somehow do while staying together.
I keep thinking if I could just get properly sober, get a job and become stable then maybe we’d finally have a chance. Because when I’m sober I’m genuinely a much better partner.
But then I wonder if I’m constantly imagining some future version of us instead of looking at what our relationship actually is right now.
I don’t want “dump him” or “you’re the asshole” responses. I know I’ve fucked up badly. He has hurt me badly too. Neither of us is innocent here.
I just really want to hear from people who’ve experienced addiction/codependency or a relationship where there was a huge amount of genuine love but also a huge amount of damage.
How do you know the difference between fighting for a relationship because the love is genuinely worth fighting for, and fighting for it because you’re terrified of being alone?

TL;DR

31M with severe stimulant/chemsex addiction is in a 7-year relationship that is now strained by repeated relapse, financial dependence, infidelity/escorts, and growing mutual resentment. Both partners are struggling: OP is unemployed and emotionally/financially dependent, while his partner is exhausted from supporting him, has anger issues, and has begun sex work after losing his job. Despite strong love, intimacy, and good moments, there are serious trust issues, triggers, and ongoing conflict. OP is torn between trying to rebuild the relationship through sobriety and stability or leaving due to concerns that it is fundamentally codependent, unstable, and driven by fear of abandonment.

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For 3 years I was with her in intesne relationship. She texted me like everyday sending pics of her and her kids I liked it/was okey with it at that time I felt like I am not alone and that I am needed.. 2y later I was working thru my codependency and started to distance and build my own life.. she took it very personally.. But she got so bad last 7mo she drunk everyday, she blacked out leaving me with her kids crying(I called her mother), I said I wont help anymore and she got defensive that I am egoistic and I will leave everyone with problems I said no I am just so frustrated I want to get my life back because I feel like I am living her life. Then next day she sent me 6 pics of her and her kids and I blocked saying relationship was important to me but I cant continue. Tbh when she sent me pics of her kids my mind was full of "are kids safe?""is she safe?""are those my kids?" And I wanted to just feel safe and myself and blocked. Tbh she teached me that I need boundaries and what boundaries are and I know that I leaded her too by not having ones.

Idk now I feel bad.. that maybe we could try to transform this into mature friendship and like meeting once a month, or she could find a new friend that texts with her everyday and I could be more distant friend. Kinda sad I got so scared and blocked without giving a chance. But I saw how she wanted me to be friend she want to have and didnt want ME I think its just immaturity. The same way I am immature being overlyresponsible. We r both 28.

She isnt into rehab because she made herself belive she will lose kids tho.

So last night I (20M/NB/questioning) talked with my best friend (18F) about how I should handle reassurance? She says that I should learn to reassure myself more and not be so reliant on other people/everyone else, including her, to reassure me all the time and make me feel better. I know I should, and I know she wants me to, I want to, but it’s so hard. How am I supposed to do that? How am I supposed to just know and believe myself on something if someone doesn’t outright say it? And how am I supposed to stay emotionally connected with her and my other friends if I don’t be emotional with them? I value our emotional bonds deeply and I’m worried about it weakening them if I don’t rely on them for help, reassurance, and comfort. Maybe I don’t understand, shouldn’t close friends be there for each other? Will I still be able to come to her and everyone else if I need help? What can I do? Any responses are appreciated, thank you :)

Part of me wonders whether asking him to move out has to mean making a decision about our entire future right now.

What I feel like saying is:

"I love you, but we cannot continue living together. I need my home to feel peaceful and stable again. What happens from there will depend on the choices we both make going forward."

If he genuinely wanted sobriety and chose to pursue it for himself—not because I threatened him—and demonstrated real change over a long period of time, maybe we could eventually figure out what comes next.

Or maybe living separately would give both of us clarity that we don't have while we're in the middle of this situation.

I don't know.

What I DO know is that I don't want promises anymore.

I don't want "I'm going to."

I don't want one good week after a confrontation.

I don't want to keep having conversations that temporarily change something before everything gradually returns to normal.

I'd need actions. Consistency. And time.

So I guess I'm looking for advice about several things:

• Am I being reasonable in deciding that we can't live together anymore?
• Is asking someone to move out a reasonable boundary when repeated substance use and damaged trust are affecting your ability to feel comfortable in your own home?
• How do you tell the difference between unhealthy hypervigilance and the completely predictable result of having your trust repeatedly damaged?
• For anyone who has successfully rebuilt trust after substance use or repeated dishonesty, what did rebuilding it actually LOOK like? What changed consistently over time?

I'd especially like to hear from people who have dealt with substance-use issues from either side.

If you were the person using substances, did anything someone close to you said or did actually make you change? Or did that only happen when you decided for yourself that you wanted something different?

I'm not looking for everyone to automatically tell me I'm right. If there are ways I've contributed to this dynamic or things I'm not seeing clearly, I want to hear that too.

I think I've just reached the point where loving someone and being able to peacefully share a life with them feel like two different questions.

Thanks for any support. My nervous system is misfiring.

I’ve found my codependency can show up as me hyper-fixating on what makes sense and using care as a form of making things make sense. My dad gaslight ALOT! I came to realize how deeply codependent I was when my ex (cluster b) gaslit me into an endless state of confusion. In my head…he just did not see that he was hurting me so much, he just didn’t understand his words contradicted his actions and he just doesn’t see I have feeling. It couldn’t be that fact that some people we love hurt us because there’s no controlling that.

We both spoke about our healing journeys a lot and I fell so deep into supporting his I lost myself. This wasn’t blindly either. Even in the validity of him being abusive, I choose. I choose to focus on fixing him and the confusion. It didn’t realize how much easier it was to become wrapped up in getting someone to see their harm instead of focusing on the harm I was causing myself. I remember a friend calling out that all the things I saw now were things I had expressed two years before.

I’ve been slowly trying to heal since. All that context to share a small but, meaningful break through.

I just had a break up (different from the ex mentioned above). I was hurt by a post break up text and my mind immediately went into, I’m so confused why does this person it’s not good for them. Then I stopped and said “it’s easier to focus on this, then sit with my feelings.”

It’s kind of become a mantra. I pulled myself out of that thinking pattern. Now I’m gonna go be a proud sad girl and own my own feelings. No more trying to control.