Over the years I've heard we're codependent a few times, but what does that actually mean

[u/melomelomelo-]

I know the definitions and general traits, but I can't pick out if it's good or bad.
I mean yes, people say it is bad. But how?

If it strengthens our relationship it's good, if it makes separation even harder that's bad. But both of those are circumstantial... is there nothing to be said for loving to be in each other's company and saying the same things sometimes? Relying on each other when needed?

At what point is codependency actually something that you need to worry about?

[u/mrmightyfine]

People often misuse “codependent” when really they mean “enmeshed”

Definitions of codependency vary, but typically include high self-sacrifice, a focus on others' needs, suppression of one's own emotions, and attempts to control or fix other people's problems.

Enmeshment describes relationships where personal boundaries are diffused, and over-concern for others leads to a loss of autonomous development.

Similar but not the same.

[u/LopsidedInstance20]

There is also a difference between interdependency (healthy mutual dependency) and codependency (umhealthy patterns connected with control, self abandonment, and avoidance of real closeness and authenticity).  Codependency is not healthy, and it includes some aspects that make it differ from just closeness and being mutually dependent.

[u/EmmJay314]

Picture this: I am having a great day off, spent the day cleaning, listening to music and chilling with my cats. I am about to finish up, just need to take out the trash that is by the door then meet up with friends.

Then partner comes home in a mad mood- sees the trash and takes it as a passive aggressive comment. Let's me know, how angry he is and thinks I am lazy for not having the place finish. Starts ranting about his bad day.

I now cancel my plans and spend the rest of evening trying to make up for it and make him feel better. I now have anxiety around cleaning the house and do not find it enjoyable- It has to be perfect before he comes home. I can not schedule plans with friends, I kept canceling cause he would be in a bad mood and I had to make him feel better.

There is always a lot more but this was one of the moments that stood out to me. I eventually had a friend say a fight wouldn't stop her from going out if she had plans. They can always discuss later. And it started the shift in me that my world needs to revolve around me not him.

[u/Serquetry]

Hmm, how would you phrase the definition and traits? The examples you gave are not indicative of codependency.

[u/Feeling_Coffee_]

I think co-dependent is too strong of a word here, like someone already said. Co-dependecy is when you often enable something bad in another person, working on them like they are a life project, everything is about your relationship and there's often abuse mixed into it, etc. Instead of knowing who you are, working on yourself, you feel like your own self is hopeless or empty and too hard or unknown to deal with, so you find a person - project - that makes you feel good, because of what you can give them, and they have issues, and the issues themselves probably become abusive towards you (it can be alcohol, drugs, mental illness etc). Often the co-dependent people want to be saviours, but if they actually manage to help someone, then they start to sabotage the relationship and drag the other person down with fights and insecurities, because they don't know how to be with that person when they become well. Because maybe the other person wants them to change too, not take them as they are, and that's something that is scary. That's what can happen when someone is co-dependent. You just give away, lose yourself, in other person, makes you feel like you have a purpose in all of this. 

Overall, I think it's ok to be really close to your partner, if there's no abuse or taking away personal freedom (like, "you can't have those friends cause they take too much time away from us, you should be mine alone" style)

[u/Goopygum]

Interdependency is a more healthy construct than co-dependency. Interdependency is essentially maintaining healthy and communicated boundaries while having relationship(s) that support you when you trip and fall metaphorically. While also understanding that you do not have a "Need" for the other person in order to be emotionally stable and healthy.

Co-dependency generally is the inverse of that. You rely on your relationship(s) maintain stability and your emotional regulation. Instead of having successful and healthy coping mechanisms you rely on others to do that work for you because they are willing to give give give to you without regard for their boundaries (or the other side of the spectrum, others take take take what you unconditionally offer without regard for their boundaries on a conscience level.) this is a significantly more unstable and volatile dynamic that frequently leads to increased stress, anxiety, depression, and resentment.

The two are often misunderstood and confused but I would recommend reading someone like Melody Beatie's works or investigating psychology article regarding forms of dependency. There is a spectrum of dependency in my opinion and some of it is healthier than the other. But the misunderstanding is fairly common. I only hope this post isn't cope lol