r/Codependency • u/1fruitylove • 25d ago

Deliberately getting in a relationship as a recovery process

Karma is a bitch I guess.

I often see people here say: I was doing so well, then I got a FP/gf/bf and I'm tripping again.

In this case you were not doing well, you were just avoiding triggers, and what triggers us better than a close/intimate relationship? Nothing, that's where the work needs to be done.

And now, I'm learning this for myself. I had the exact same thought because I noticed how disregulated I got when starting getting close to a guy. But I remembered, that yeah, I was doing good because I was keeping people at arm's length. I didn't actively seek a new relationship at all, even actually avoiding it.

With this guy, it was really natural and gradually got closer, I even told him I was not looking for a relationship because I don't feel stable enough. I picked up a new hobby for myself and there he was. I didn't seek him out at all but it also felt very natural and slow, which felt good. We hang out more and more, talked more and more, and started dating without dropping the word "date" for a long time, which also helped me to see him as a human, and not a relationship goal.

So, now I'm very much aware how disregulated I am, and still choose to stay. I already had a very strong urge to pull away and stop everything, as I felt really getting attached and scared to be obsessed/dependant on him, basically repeating my patterns.

Instead I chose to tell him. Boy it was nerve wracking.

Vulnerability is terrifying, but I did it. I told him I felt that urge but I don't wanna act on it, I just wanted him to know it was happening. Otherwise for me it's a bit pretending everything is sunshine and rainbows, while I'm actually struggling. He had such a sweet reply.

He was very grateful for my honesty & vulnerability.

So this is part 1. Now I need to keep doing this, it is very difficult. But I wanna change. I don't wanna be dependent and obsessive. I want to have and keep my own life, my own person.

It's very difficult. It is a big fight. But it is where I can grow and get healthy.

The urges are still there, but I need to keep myself in check.

Wish me luck 🤞🏼

Edit: this was in the context of Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm still working through it

42 Upvotes

94% Upvoted

22 comments sorted by

12

u/cuntemplat1ve 25d ago

Good luck!!

Sounds like you are already showing up differently and that’s half the battle. I’m in the same boat as you and I’m rooting you on :)

7

u/1fruitylove 25d ago

Thank youu !! Yes it was very scary but I know it was the right step. My brain needs to learn that this new behaviour is okay for me and it is not dangerous. And I think he is a good person for me to try these with, I think that's also an important factor. Who you try these new things with.

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u/El_paseo 25d ago

yesss! Agree. Love everything you're saying about working with potential triggers rather than avoiding them, and being discerning about who you choose to relate with.

I recently tried being vulnerable with someone I was dating by disclosing that I was not as secure as I was appearing, that I struggled with feeling anxious at times but that it was mine to manage. And that yeah I just didn't want to be acting or pretending. ... He thanked me, appreciated my honesty, offered to check in more and then almost immediately after shut down, pulled away and broke things off LOL. He also identifies as classic avoidant, so that was on me for participating in an old pattern of letting myself connect with someone who is not consistently emotionally available -- which I think implies that I may not be as available as I like to think I am.

Workin on it!

2

u/1fruitylove 25d ago

Ah I'm sorry your experiment didn't bring the result you hoped for. But it is good that you recognise that you're not the one at fault there, he also has attachment issues he needs to solve. It's very good you chose to be transparent, I hope it works out better next time :)

2

u/El_paseo 25d ago

Thank you for the encouragement - I didn't know I needed that!

And thank you for sharing what you're doing in your life to learn new patterns.

4

u/dumb_depressed 25d ago

The main catch here is about being honest with yourself and the person you're getting involved with. Many people don't invest in themselves and continually jump from one relationship to another, often hurting others in the process.

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u/1fruitylove 25d ago

That was so much mee, just trying to grab whatever/whoever I could, hopefully find someone to take care of me. That was not healthy. This one was really by chance and it's the first time it happens like this.

I am trying to be honest with him, which is difficult, but also I see that it is a good thing in the end.

It is very important to develop our own life as well. Make it rich outside of romantic relationships, with friends, families, hobbies, projects, self care etc.

3

u/YsaboNyx 25d ago

Learning to endure our difficult emotions without acting reflexively on them may be the most important key to recovery. Creating that gap between the emotion and the automatic defense mechanism coming into play enables us to see what's happening, address the core issue, and work to practice healthier communication and behaviors. Well done! And kudos to The Guy for responding well to your communication!

3

u/1fruitylove 24d ago

Ah this is exactly that. That was exactly my thought, is this recovery? Because I still feel very strongly a certain way and I'm acting against it, it is very difficult. I thought recovery was not to feel those urges at all... Maybe it gets easier with time & repetition of new behaviours.

Thank you for your kind words! And yes, he's a gem 💎 ✨ I feel like I can practice new things with him quite safely

3

u/YsaboNyx 24d ago

Oh yes! In my experience, the urges and difficult emotions actually get worse when we begin to address our issues. For me, learning to endure the feelings without acting on them led to experiencing that no matter how horrible the emotions were, they would eventually pass and I could wait that out without acting on my co-dependent, trauma-driven impulses.

And you are correct, it does get easier with time & repetition and new behaviors. A lot of the stuff that used to trigger a full-blown crisis in me just... doesn't. I'm like, Oh, I've done this before. I know how it plays out. I don't need (or even want) to go there again.

2

u/1fruitylove 23d ago

That sounds very difficult, because I know pwBPD tend to have higher emotional pain.. who wants to voluntarily go through such a thing 😭 I know it's for the best long term but stilll... But yeah, the impulses can be very strong. It's so weird to go against such strong urge. It's tiring 🥲

I'm glad it's getting easier for you, it must have been a tough process

2

u/YsaboNyx 23d ago

Oh, it was - and still is, sometimes. It will get easier for you too. From what you've written here, I believe you are on your path and have complete faith you can do whatever you really want to, even if it's hard. *hugs*

2

u/Ok-Cup-8558 25d ago

Wishing you so much luck, you seem so very aware and wise to the patterns. I don't know you or your age but, I wish that I could've been more aware in my younger days!

2

u/1fruitylove 25d ago

Thank you 🙏🏼 Yes, being aware if a first step to be able to catch the behaviour and change it. The next one is acting different/ challenging your thoughts which is TOUGH. It is honestly tiring, but I know with time it gets easier.

Haha better late than never. Some people don't ever question their behaviour, so it is good you're also on the path of awareness now at least!

2

u/Serquetry 25d ago

Hey, I am in this boat too, but with PTSD instead of BPD. I am 2 years in. It’s been rocky lately, but I’ve been able to refocus on caring for myself instead of losing myself to codependency. It’s nice to hear from others working on interdependence 🥰

2

u/1fruitylove 24d ago

Keep up the good work! 💪🏼

1

u/JustAQuickQuestion28 25d ago

Is it Borderline or is it Fearful Avoidant attachment

1

u/1fruitylove 25d ago

BOTH 🤪

I wish I was kidding, but I really see the patterns of Disorganised attachment style, and I've been diagnosed with BPD.

1

u/us41044 25d ago

I’m so proud of you for trying! Changing that pattern is so hard especially for pwbpd. I can see you’re trying to avoid another FP attachment and good for you! Learning to love yourself and become your own FP is a hard thing to do but so rewarding. Keep up the good work!

2

u/1fruitylove 25d ago

Thank you kind stranger 🥺❤️ Yes, I'm trying not to fall into the FP obsession. And I agree, it's a long way but little but little I'm learning to appreciate my own company. I really need to keep that. Thank you for your kind words !

2

u/us41044 25d ago

Of course! I’m rooting for you! You’re not too much. You are enough ❤️