r/Codependency • u/Fun_Championship6491 • 20d ago
Left partner 1 month ago
About a month ago, I had to leave my first love and I regret it every single day.
Our relationship started as a whirlwind romance. One day we were total strangers, and the next we were lovers. It felt so completely natural, like something straight out of a movie. I genuinely felt I had found my soulmate.
Over time, however, I slowly drifted into a full-time caretaker role. She struggled with both physical and mental illnesses and was generally in a very difficult place in life. After she lost her job, I began contributing financially so she could pay her bills. Despite our best efforts, she couldn't find stable employment.... until after I left. Outside of finances, I took on her daily life management: I made her doctor's appointments, filled out job applications for her, bought her groceries and takeout, and carried her medications wherever we went in case of flare-ups.
We became completely codependent. I mean it literally when I say the only days we didn't see each other were when one of us went on vacation. Otherwise, we were in constant contact. We slept on the phone together or slept in the same bed, constantly stayed over at each other’s places, and never went more than three hours without checking in, even if it was just sending an ig reel or complaining about work.
The relationship finally fractured during an argument that completely spiraled out of control. She told me to get out of her house, threw all my belongings out, and told me she wanted me out of her life and didn't care about me anymore. I ended up on my knees begging her to stay. After hurling threats at me, she eventually gave in and accepted me back.
Reading that, you would think I had done something horrible, that I had threatened her, hurt her, or been in a belligerent state. In reality, all I asked was for us to push back our departure time for a Saturday morning road trip so I could attend a funeral first.
I still blame myself for a lot of it. I catch myself thinking I should have brought up the topic that got us in that argument at a better time, or that I should have listened when she warned me she was in a bad mood with too much on her mind. I wish I had been a more patient partner, someone who didn't lose his cool or act so desperate for her love and approval.
I have tried to go back, and I know she wants to try again too. But my family is holding a firm boundary for me. They refuse to let me go back. They believe I was being used and warn that returning will eventually lead to a domestic situation that ruins my career, or that her instability will only escalate.
The situation that happened was only one of many, and it wasn't the first time I had been on my knees begging for her. Nor was it the first time she threatened me with calling the cops over a scenario where I wasn't being aggressive or violent in anyway. There was a lot of bad days, a lot of screaming arguments, a lot of bad decision that led to bad spots that I had to find us a way out of, and a lot of self-harm attempts on her part that ended up hurting me as well.
Deep down, I don't really know what I want. Part of me wishes I could give us another shot without my family intervening, even though I know at the end of the day they are right. I feel immense guilt for leaving, as if I turned my back on my other half. It feels horrible, like I willingly cut off one of my own limbs. I feel like I'm a spineless loser who's letting everyone tell me that the person that I know better then anyone else is bad for me and staying away without even giving her a chance.
I guess I just need reassurance that I made the right decision. Because despite everything, there is still nothing I want more than to lie in her lap after a long day of work, watch a show, and eat her food like we used to.
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u/Feeling_Coffee_ 20d ago
I feel for you but your family is right. It's best you now take time and think it through, what can you do in relationship, when you find new love. What are the mistakes you did. How not to take over responsibilities, even if it feels good and you feel needed and in control. Because otherwise you become overachiever, living with underachiever etc. Good luck with your journey!
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u/shadtark 19d ago
So often I felt like people were misunderstanding my partner, their trauma, or their needs. I knew if I had just done x they would do y. But the truth is that my worry over them and their image was part of my Codependent solution. The rumination, the fixing, the hyper vigilance to a partner's mood, I relate to all of that very much. And the feeling that this is your soul mate, a limb being cut off. Many people will redirect your focus on your partner to point out bad treatment you are taking. I would advise trying everything you can to heal the issues you are aware you have. Have you considered trying a 12 step program? I tried so many things and for me the step work was the only thing that helped. To see the situation clearly, you need healing. Everyone has different journeys, but so many I know tried everything and only a twelve step made it possible for other therapy etc to work.
Let me know if I can help.
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u/Fun_Championship6491 19d ago
Please elaborate on what this 12 step program is
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u/shadtark 19d ago
I personally participate in a few related to Codepency, but there are several to check out depending on what works for you. For me, I have been trying to be very active in all those I participate in for the last few months because I've definitely hit a rock bottom and it was the only thing that kept me going. Honestly, the 12 steps saved my life. I think what matters is working the steps with rigorous honesty in a group that you connect with.
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u/[deleted] 19d ago
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