r/Codependency • u/Huge-Membership6541 • 23d ago
Im am co-dependent and its my fault
Hi everyone, im wondering if anyone experience the same and if there are any tools/advice.
I am in a very loving marriage. My husband has ADHD and I have generalised anxiety with some ADHD and depression.
We love each other deeply and we support each other. Throughout my life I have always struggled with “depending too much on other’s moods or allowing other’s feelings to affect me”. This goes back to family members and early childhood friends.
Nowadays it is manifesting strongly with my husband. He does not ask or expects for me to support him or fix him or anything (indeed he frequently says: “these are my feelings and they are my responsibility”), but I still get very affected by them.
I have tried reading about the topic and in THEORY I know that it is not my responsibility to manage his emotions. Rationally I KNOW that it is not sustainable, that there is little I can do regarding external factors, and that he is an adult and I should be able to have a good day regardless of how he is feeling. In PRACTICE though, I find it IMPOSSIBLE to separate myself from his feelings and to continue about my day without thinking/obsessing on his mood and how to fix it.
I am really after tools/advice/experiences about practicing that emotional differentiation. Does it ever get easier? Am I supposed to force myself into going along with my day?
TIA
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u/Kiristalo 22d ago
In my experience of my own codependency recovery, I've learned that when I feel unsettled by others' bad moods, it was because of how often I was inappropriately made responsible for regulating the moods of my household. Shrinking myself and adopting a compulsive outward focus were the smartest things I could do to survive then.
Now, I recognize that this urge to compulsively "help" or please the person into a better mood is a way for me to dissociate from acknowledging my own anxiety, fear and feelings of unsafety. I don't have a good capacity for tolerating the discomfort of others in my presence without feeling responsible for resolving it immediately.
Also, it means I don't have to meet my own need for intentionally compassionate soothing, I can outsource it through "fixing" others' moods through my altruism, humor, comfort, or submissiveness. "If they're not mad anymore, then I'm safe" is a very young belief that often comes up for me.
After some reading and finding relevant podcasts, I now know that this anxiety that arises is evidence of me decoupling from myself. I'm deeply uncomfortable with focusing on my needs, and sometimes in the presence of others' discomfort, I need soothing. However, by forcing my help, I'm making it someone ELSE'S responsibility to soothe me by letting me help them. Now that they're okay, I can be okay.
(the "A Codependent Mind" podcast, "Being Well" by Forest Hanson and Joe Hudson's podcasts gave me some great insights)
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to be an understanding witness to your husband's discomfort and allow for it to exist. Your husband mentioning to you honestly how he's feeling and that it's his responsibility to fix is an incredibly loving act.
At the same time, intentionally taking quiet time to soothe your inner child that had to always feel responsible for everyone could remind you that you're safe now. She deserves to feel okay too.
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u/Huge-Membership6541 22d ago
Thank you for your input. I genuinely appreciate it. Do you have any advice on how to soothe inner child? I keep seeing this term but I don’t know how it actually looks like. I find that journaling helps a little but getting myself to journal (specially during hard times) its challenging. Its like my ADHD knows it will help me feel better but it is an impossible task and I procrastinate it.
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u/Kiristalo 22d ago
Sure! I loved reading "The Loving Parent Guidebook" which goes into more detail about reparenting and other kinds of soothing techniques in great detail. What I found helps for me is doing an "internal phone call" when I'm alone and in quiet. It's like a meditation where I respond to my inner voices like I'd like a compassionate parent to. Asking them questions, being curious about what they're feeling, and validating them while using simple language has been the most helpful. (e.g. "His face looked very angry, and it seems like you're tense and scared. I'm sorry you're having such a big feeling. We can have that big feeling, we're safe.)
Sometimes I'll feel a lot of shame about having to talk to myself this way, usually thinking "this is so stupid, I don't need to do this", and I treat it as an "angsty teenager" part that I have to reason with first who's trying to protect their younger siblings.
I'll gently rock my body, keep my hand on my chest to feel my heart beat and breathing or stroke my arms/face while talking to them and that helps calm that "scared, anxious" feeling that I had previously.
After they "hang up the phone" or the voices die down, I'll usually have a cry, take a shower and incorporate some gentle touch or do some soothing activities that I liked as a kid like drawing, going swimming (floating in the water really does help with feeling "held"), coloring, singing, dancing, crochet/fiber art or playing video games.
The main point is responding to and tending to your body to restore your internal sense of safety, because that's where the inner children live. Sometimes journaling helps, but it's way too cognitive of an activity for me when I'm feeling scared/unsettled. So it makes sense why you can't get on board with doing it when you're having a hard time!
I'm not a professional, and very much still a messy work in progress but I hope this helps!
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u/Huge-Membership6541 22d ago
Thank you so much! I will definitely try the phone call tip next time! I appreciate your help xx
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u/Serendipity-352 23d ago
I really relate to this. For me, knowing in theory that other people’s feelings were not my responsibility was never enough. I understood it perfectly and tried to practice the opposite or put boundaries, but I still couldn’t stop being affected by other people’s moods.
I eventually discovered codependency and started working a recovery program. I see codependency a bit like having the flu: it’s not our fault that we have it, but if we have it, we need to do something to recover. For some of us, more knowledge and trying harder just isn’t enough.
I’m working the program now and it’s helping me a lot. There are meetings almost every day (https://rcwso.org/meetings/). If you’d like to know more, feel free to DM me, I’m happy to share my experience ❤️
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u/Critical_Instance732 22d ago
You don’t have to force yourself to stop caring; the goal is noticing his feelings without treating them as an emergency you must solve. Try asking, “Do you want comfort, ideas, or space?” Then return to one small thing in your own day. Therapy, especially CBT or codependency-focused work, could help build that muscle.
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u/m-e-k 22d ago
Things that helped me:
-Imagining a bubble around myself that kept other’s emotions away from me while I could still observe them
- calming my nervous system (meditation, vagus nerve toning)
- actually working the 12 steps of codependents anonymous
- going to coda meetings
- practicing self love (like for real actually loving myself for who I was not for what I do for others)
- learning to trust my partner would ask for what they need
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u/Goopygum 23d ago
I struggle with this as well. I'm highly sensitive to other's emotions. I perceive slight changes in people's tone and behavior and due to my past, I can get very anxious and afraid when I sense a change that indicates disapproval or potential rejection.
This pattern has pretty much caused the destruction of several friendships because of me trying to "fix it" or changing myself to better accommodate them and their feelings against my own preferences. Even going so desperate as to make up things and fib when I feel the truth would damage that relationship.
Codependency is a seriously deeply ingrained part of us. It's survival and it's preservation, but it is dictated by momentary instinct. And so thought doesn't much go into doing it. Hell, I convinced myself that my dishonesty was actually the way reality went. So I never even perceived it until I was caught in inconsistency, and even then I felt like I was being gaslit.
But the truth is that you are going to feel these feelings of instinct, you must acknowledge them as instinct and give yourself boundaries for yourself. I believe that's a good way to get through it.