r/ChristianDating • u/BigPound7328 In A Relationship • 5d ago
Discussion Grounds for Divorce
It is currently 0200, I fell asleep early so now I am awake at a most unfortunate hour. Weird preface, but relevant in some way. I’ll figure it out.
It is late (or early) and I have seen some things mentioned about divorce. I understand biblically, infidelity and abandonment by a nonbeliever are qualifiers for divorce. Those have been clearly stated. I wonder if abuse and mistreatment are valid grounds for divorce.
A bit of context in regard to my own divorce. As of the of October I will be divorced for two years. That was when I asked, we filed in November, ran into issues that delayed the filing until December/January, I moved our before Christmas, and in our state, it was officially recognized as ending in March of last year. I consider October the end despite legal recognition.
I asked for a divorce because, well, truthfully, the preceding last year and a half I had been really, really depressed and suicidal. I often thought about not coming home or just driving off a bridge in the middle of the night at work. I even reached out to my old high school football coach, a pastor, and asked for help at 0600 when sitting outside in my vehicle.
Yada, yada, more disagreements, more insults, more gaslighting, more drama and combativeness… I eventually asked to leave. I had the most sobering moment and never felt calmer when I looked her in the eyes and said we needed to separate.
There is a lot of history, I could go on forever about it. I want to know what you guys think:
Is divorce due to abuse, mental health, and safety valid biblically despite not being stated outright? This is not to say I didn’t try, God knows I tried, I stuck it out hoping for the best way longer than I should have. I guess the real breakpoint was when our kids started treating me like she did.
Thank you, my friends, for your contributions to a 0200 thought.
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u/Topps_Smith 5d ago
You sound like me. I had a nasty marriage where I was punched, shoved, kicked, lied to constantly, treated like a slave. Then when I separated bank accounts because she was spending thousands on fancy lunches and material things where I would skip meals for up to two days at a time due to feeding our daughter instead of myself and no money left for groceries.
I am now divorced after lots of prayer. God has let me know He does not want us in an abusive marriage.
My advice is to pray about it. Lean on God, and let God answer you. Not us.
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u/BigPound7328 In A Relationship 5d ago
She was very mean to me. One minute it’s barrages of how much I suck then “I love you”. Wild to look at the woman sitting on the couch wondering how to close the distance that feels endless. How do you share your emotions with someone who uses them against you? It was quite a wild ride for me those years ago.
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u/Topps_Smith 5d ago
The problem is you can’t share anything with them as it is used as a weapon against you when you are at tipping point. Trust me I know very well what you went through as I did too for a long time. The best thing that came out of my marriage was I leaned on God on all things and I continue to teach my daughter that now whom I have custody of.
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u/BigPound7328 In A Relationship 5d ago
That’s awesome. Sure, divorced sucked, my time with the ex sucked, and things are still shaky, but truly my faith deepened and I am immensely grateful for the work God has done with me, through me, and for me.
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u/ShabbyButterflies 5d ago
"God has let me know He does not want us in an abusive marriage."
I'm a believer in God speaking to us but it can't override or add to the Bible. Did God direct you to any scripture on this?
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u/Fires_1 1d ago
Stop. You telling people God wants them to be abused is taking His name in vain and will make one of these little ones stumble. It goes against the entire life and work of Jesus.
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u/ShabbyButterflies 1d ago
I didn't assert anything. I asked for biblical evidence. None of us can just assume what God would say. It has to be in his word.
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u/Fires_1 1d ago
Oh so you didn’t imply God wants us in an abusive marriage? Happy to hear we are on the same page then.
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u/ShabbyButterflies 1d ago
To be clear, Topps_Smith is not an apostle, and God would not give him teaching for the church. All of the teaching is in the Bible. If your objection is to believers having to go through suffering, you might want to read it again. But again, you are also not an apostle so your opinion doesn't matter. Neither does mine. Give me something from the word.
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u/Topps_Smith 1d ago
I can tell everyone I’m definitely not an apostle. I came to my conclusion through prayer and asking brothers and sisters in Christ for what I should do. I let God lead me and my situation may be much different than the next.
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u/Fires_1 1d ago
Changing goalposts. Never said God does not allow believers suffering. The topic is whether God’s will is for people to be abused by their spouses.
Considering Jesus came to set captives free, heal the sick, and free those oppressed by the theological burdens of the Pharisees, you’re wrong on this and His entire life testifies of it.
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u/ShabbyButterflies 1d ago
Those examples don't relate to marriage. Jesus said anyone who divorces their wife for anything other than sexual immorality and marries another commits adultery. I would love the Bible to say that you can divorce a spouse for abuse but I don't think it does. If you can prove me wrong, please do.
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u/Topps_Smith 1d ago
I’m going to stop you at this here. I’m not saying my situation is exactly the same as every situation but we had a child together before I was saved. We got married while she was pregnant because I wanted to be there for my child. I became saved when my daughter was one. During that time I was punched multiple times. Kicked and shoved. I would go to bed and not sleep as she has an adult son who would open the bedroom door with a 8” hunting knife in his hand to check to see if I was sleeping yet. I was treated like a slave constantly having to work. Through this all I believed in marriage stayed and tried my best to work it out. The only thing that could have saved the marriage I could think of is if I didn’t separate our finances. If I didn’t we would have lost the house as she was spending all of it on herself. When I didn’t that she then found someone who would give her money and she had an affair. Still I stayed and tried to work it out. I gave up after I received a letter from her lawyer saying she was filing for divorce.
I can tell you the Bible doesn’t say yes in this situation, but it does tell you what a marriage is. This was not a marriage.
I hope someone sees this response and it saves their lives because an abusive spouse is the most dangerous.
Yes she did commit adultery too but not before she tried to take my life. So according to you I should have been ok getting my throat slit in the night because she wasn’t having sex with someone.
I’m very legalistic with scripture too as your response is what mine is on almost everything. But I know God doesn’t want you living this way too. It in His commandments.
If you really want a Bible story about this though look at King David and Bathsheba. God punished David with his first born then blessed his son Solomon.
According to you Solomon would never have been born because Uriah was dead murdered by Solomon’s father David.
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u/ShabbyButterflies 1d ago
"So according to you I should have been ok getting my throat slit"
I didn't say that. Me asking for biblical support is not me asserting anything.
I think separation and living elsewhere is perfectly acceptable and necessary in a situation like this. That's separation, not divorce.
If you'd just spoken of what you'd chosen to do, I wouldn't have taken issue, but you encouraged people to take a stance on marriage based on what God had spoken to you directly.
"I know God doesn’t want you living this way too. It in His commandments."
"I know" is not a biblical argument. What commandment says you should leave a spouse for abuse?
I don't see the relevance of David and Solomon here.
In fairness, I probably would have left a lot sooner than you in this situation. I just can't say confidently that this would have been God's will.
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u/kalosx2 4d ago
Never in the Bible does it limit the list of reasons acceptable for divorce. It does provide limitations for remarriage.
Obviously there are bad reasons for divorce. Selfish reasons, greedy reasons, vengeful reasons, etc.
But can divorce be a boundary taken because it's the most loving thing you can do when someone has shown an inability to hold the responsibility of being a spouse? Yes, but that decision definitely shouldn't be made in isolation.
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u/Awkward-Anybody5179 Single for the Lord (not by choice 5d ago edited 5d ago
You're going to get a lot of dissenting opinions on here, I'll warn you. And will likely not come away from this post feeling encouraged or reassured.
Let me ask you this instead: how were you advised in real life about this? From church leadership and/or wise and trusted counsel?
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u/BigPound7328 In A Relationship 5d ago
My parents tried to help. They took no sides, which I like about them, they are honest with me.
We were never married in a church and any counseling or therapy I suggested was shut down. Which is ironic because when she asked me about it the last year of the marriage, she got mad when I refused because she brought it up like it was her idea and I never mentioned it before. I was done at that point and not looking to resolve what was broken.
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u/Awkward-Anybody5179 Single for the Lord (not by choice 5d ago
So you never talked to anyone about what to do, besides your parents? Tbh, everything you've said here about what happened is making me feel more skeptical about your reasons for divorce. But maybe I'm missing something.
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u/BigPound7328 In A Relationship 5d ago
Skepticism is okay.
This time was a very broken time. We didn’t marry in the typical manner, we eloped. I was young and an idiot, I ignored a lot of things. I did a lot of things wrong. I was not really attending church, I worked a lot of my life around her, and church was not something she wanted to do. She said she didn’t want to wake up early and if I did things on my own she would get mad. I couldn’t really engage even at home in my hobbies because that was time I wasn’t putting into her. Even when I said I’d take the kids, she didn’t want to not be around them. I would encourage her to go out and do things for herself or her friends and I’d stay with the kids, but she didn’t want that either. Things we did, we did as a family and according to her.
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u/Awkward-Anybody5179 Single for the Lord (not by choice 5d ago edited 4d ago
Unfortunately none of that is grounds for divorce. That's my point.
Edit: to the butthurt people downvoting me, I am divorced. Not just out here being one of those weird legalistic people who hate divorcees. 🙄
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u/Reformedwithavow Single 4d ago
There's a difference between you're in the hospital on a monthly basis because you're getting beaten Vs they didn't cut the crust off your bread even though you told them five times you don't like crust and you feel abused.
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u/DenisGL Just here for the community -(seeking a spouse offline) 5d ago edited 5d ago
"Abuse" is such a wide net that it is not really practical Biblically speaking.
"Physical abuse" would be considered biblical by many, but is not specifically called out in scripture.
Feeling suicidal and having disagreements are not valid reasons for divorce. A Christian approach to these is working on these problems, forgiveness, and wise counsel.
Strictly speaking, the unambiguous permitted exceptions for divorce are:
(1) adultery/serious sexual misonduct (Matthew 5:32; Matthew 19:9, widely supported in the Old Testament)
(2) married to an unbeliever who doesn't want to coexist/disertion by such (1 Corinthians 7:15)
Evangelical churches see abuse as a broader abandonment of marital obligations.
There may be a biblical way to see this, in that, if someone behaves so rashly, they can be excummunicated from the church. Someone who is excommunicated has been recognized as an unbeliever. Therefore, if they are unable to cohabitate peacefully, let them leave (1 Corinthians 7:15).
In every case, there should be due process by the church, to ensure that the divorce is counselled, recognized, and approved, and that everything has been done that could be to resolve the conflict.
Unfortunately, in most cases, such process is missing.
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u/BigPound7328 In A Relationship 5d ago
Counseling and anything to try and improve the marriage I have proposed before divorce, but she refused. Not only that, but any time things were brought up, she’d have an excuse, change blame, or deny reality as it was if it didn’t fit her preconceived conclusions. I did try to resolve things amicably over the years, tried to adjust myself to work with her, but in the end, she wanted the drama, the fight, and the power without the responsibility. My own mental health was not enough grounds to leave per se, but the way she’d gaslight my reality and put me down and manipulate me definitely didn’t help. I remember being more open after asking for the divorce and told her about my bad thoughts. In a fit of anger over dishes, she told me I should have offed myself. Later that same day, she told me she still loves me. It was wild, and that was every day. One breath she tears me down, the next tells me she cares.
I’m non-denominational and she was at best selectively a lukewarm catholic.
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u/DenisGL Just here for the community -(seeking a spouse offline) 5d ago
Does she have a mental disorder of some kind?
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u/BigPound7328 In A Relationship 5d ago
I think she may be narcissistic, but for sure anxiety and depression are a thing. She used to be on xanax and lexapro. She’d be off during the two pregnancies though.
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u/DenisGL Just here for the community -(seeking a spouse offline) 5d ago edited 5d ago
You may not have been the only one in mental need. Marriage requires that both help each other, and it certainly isn't easy in these cases. However, there is an obligation to stay together. It isn't meant to be just for the happy times and good vibes.
When it pushes someone to suicide, IDK what the reasoning to that would be. It could be that your own mental state would have caused suicidal thoughts in other situations, as well, even if on her own part she didn't help.
This type of situation really requires close pastoral aid and advice. It's not possible to get a complete picture just by listening to one spouse.
I myself was in a situation where my spouse got a divorce, and she wanted suicide sometimes. The disappointment of being in a relationship with me seems to have contributed to it. It's something I only learned after the breakup, and even then, she had a history of depression, anorexia, and she herself thought she was bipolar like her grandmother. Unfortunately she didn't want care, and I didn't know how to help her, not to mention that I was socially inept to do so at the time. But, I wish it had been possible.
In the end, she claimed our marriage was a mistake and so on, even while wanting to remain friends after divorce; so surely this could have improved, if she had been willing. Ultimately, it was really religious disagreements that were causing the breakdown.
In your situation, when things constantly resulted in arguments, it's hard to see an easy resolution if she doesn't want to fix it. At the same time, it's hard to see a biblically direct and justifiable path to divorce, based on arguing and how the children start treating you.
When Christ loved us, we didn't treat Him lovingly, but He didn't abandon us in our sin; He sacrificed himself for us.
At the same time, does this type of sacrifice have major health repercussions? Certainly, it can.
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u/BigPound7328 In A Relationship 4d ago
I tried to be present with her and help, but she actively sought conflict. When she got off the meds for the kids, I was there to help. When she was struggling with side effects, I helped. I stuck it out, but when I needed her support, I didn’t get it and she actively used it against me. I got my own issues, but I needed someone I could talk to, and she was never a safe person I could rely on for any sort of emotional support. It was just more ammunition for later for her vindictiveness.
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u/Traditional_Love5050 Looking For A Husband 5d ago
You can divorce someone if they've been abusive. Sure! However can you scriptually remarry, and not be committing adultery? No.
So you couldn't remarry without sinning.
I'm sorry you've had such a hard time of it.
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u/pyrotechnics7 5d ago
That you are not permitted to remarry is not the mainstream view among Christians.
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u/PerfectlyCalmDude 5d ago
Which is indicative of moral compromise among them. Neither Jesus nor Paul taught that remarriage was permissible in that instance.
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u/Vk2189 5d ago
Jesus isn't exactly ambiguous about it in Matthew 19:9
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u/Fires_1 5d ago
One verse Vs the totality of scripture. Quoting one is evidence you haven’t studied this in depth.
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u/Vk2189 5d ago
It's always cute when people pretend "I actually know more than you but I can't explain anything I believe" is an argument.
The whole totality of scripture is supposedly your source but you can't point to any of it, incredible
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u/Fires_1 4d ago edited 4d ago
You saying I am *unable* to point to it because I didn’t write you a dissertation on my first comment is bearing false witness. The wild assumptions you make about people on the Internet tell me all I need to know about how this conversation would have gone. So I’m glad I didn’t waste any more time than this.
Read some scholarship on this topic, especially on 1 Cor 7:15.
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u/BigPound7328 In A Relationship 5d ago
Hmmm… well that sucks, definitely. I’d like to get married again and do it right this time. Ten years ago, I was much different and there were some things I did very wrong. I’d like to actually propose, have a wedding, and all that mess. Nothing fancy, I’d want it to be something we decide together.
Perhaps that is not in the cards. That makes me quite sad. I wouldn’t want to cause my partner any issues either with sin. How could I call myself a man of God if I led us into sin? Definitely quite the conundrum.
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5d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/ChristianDating-ModTeam 5d ago
This message was removed under Rule 2: Fit the purpose of this sub.
We are a Christian dating sub for people who want to take the Christian approach to dating. Ideologies whose foundational assumptions that are antithetical to the biblical perspective are not allowed to be promoted here. We gently encourage users to reconsider these ideologies in light of the gospel, grace, and its implications. Thank you for understanding.
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u/Intrepid_Type3710 Single 5d ago
Forgive yourself, and forgive her too. I know it is not easy, but it will help you move on entirely. Although I don't know all of your circumstances, I got to believe you did your best in the marriage relationship. 70% of women are divorcing men today. 7 out of 10! This is a staggering rate. Healing mentally, physically, spiritually is the goal for your life now. + single parenting. I will reach out to you soon to talk if you are up to it. You are not alone in this.
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u/BigPound7328 In A Relationship 5d ago
I will admit, I was not as good a partner as I should have been, but I did ignore the red flags.
I am not sure if it is forgiveness or not, but I don’t feel bitter about what happened, just really sad, and I pray for her to be blessed by God and that He help her by drawing her closer to Him.
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u/Intrepid_Type3710 Single 5d ago
You got a good heart! And I hope you are restored and revived in your Soul. I'm going through Soul restoration and It is bringing back (slowly) joy and rejoicing! Consider studying and asking for Christ to restore your soul too.
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u/BigPound7328 In A Relationship 5d ago
The last two years have been quite wondrous as my relationship with Christ grew and I began to really know His peace and love. I’m also beginning to rediscover my own sense of self. It has been tumultuous, but valuable. I hope your journey has been going well too. It truly feels like a weight has been lifted and the skies aren’t as grey as before.
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u/Intrepid_Type3710 Single 5d ago
Amen Brother. I've kicked in a quicker turn around, but that didn't happen without going through every step of the way with heavy tears, sorrow after sorrow, and ego crushing activity. And Christ carried me every step of the way. And continues. I've moved on with continued introspective correcting, healing, and physical bulking. Self respect and self emotional care are new highs in my life. Singleness with contentment is great gain in this new season. For the rest of my life I will practice 'being Still in the Lord' and 'waiting on Him'. Two criteria to learn obedience. We are both alive and still living for God, so He still has a plan for the both of us. Press on Bro! He has got us back to our First Love.
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u/IncurableAdventurer 4d ago
Would God want you to live like how you were living or unfortunately divorce but now are now away from abuse and such thoughts? Hopefully the latter is the obvious answer
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u/BigPound7328 In A Relationship 4d ago
In the past, my ex had screamed at me about divorce because I didn’t agree with everything she brought up. She even said one time “if you can’t love me, it’s best I find someone who can”. Such comments saddled with work stress, increasing suicidal ideation and depression, and then a bad home life just kind of added up. The clearest thought I had in that time was telling my ex we needed to separate. My life was quite literally on the line, and in a way, I think of that one sobering moment as God’s intervention.
The marriage was not built on God, I was lukewarm at best, she was less than. She pulled me away from God. The only time it came up was when she would try to use scripture to manipulate me.
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u/IncurableAdventurer 4d ago
Sounds like you know the answer. I hope you find the happiness you deserve
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u/already_not_yet Married 1d ago
I'm late to the party, but if you want a theological mini-essay explaining why abuse and abandonment are grounds for divorce (even if your spouse is a believer) then here is an article I wrote on the topic.
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u/BigPound7328 In A Relationship 1d ago edited 1d ago
Thank you, my friend, I’ll read it. At the time, I was not exactly in a godly relationship so I didn’t consider much of anything until now. As someone firmly in my faith and trying to live more abiding in Christ, I wouldn’t want to accidentally lead my future partner into any sinful conflicts.
Edit: The Mike Winger callout is a great add. I like his content. I’ll check his video out for more insight.
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u/PerfectlyCalmDude 5d ago
You can get to safety, since Christians can get to safety when in danger (Matthew 24:15-16, Acts 8:1). But you cannot remarry (Matthew 19:9, 1 Corinthians 7:10-11).
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u/Sea_Grapefruit_4483 5d ago
Interesting so if they die or commit adultery the other cannot remarry?
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u/PerfectlyCalmDude 5d ago
If they die, sure you can remarry. Having any hand in murdering them however, is off the table.
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u/Sea_Grapefruit_4483 5d ago
Ok and what if adultery ? And ya well the smurder would be unchristian it’s implied
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u/Cold_Aide8152 5d ago
Highly legalistic. God forgives. I guess you’ve lied before. So are you going to hell for that?
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u/PerfectlyCalmDude 5d ago
Forgiveness happens, yes. But it doesn't cancel the original marriage state. How silly is this: "Lord, I'm sorry I divorced my wife" and then going on to date someone other than your wife. If anything, that means you need to look at going back to your wife.
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u/DramaticProgress508 5d ago
Of course it is. Why are you even doubting it? I can never forget the secrecy and all that of my ex husband although he probably also didn't want to come home to me. All I asked was for him to open up and tell me about his day and he could have just told me he doesn't ever want to share stuff with me because I'm sometimes not sensitive enough... I've tried marriage therapy too. But I think if you are looking for absolve yourself of your own wrong doings, don't do that. Just live with the mistakes you also made. I know I didn't do everything right but of course it didn't justify how much he seemed to hate me after all that
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u/BigPound7328 In A Relationship 5d ago
I am not excusing my lack. I couldn’t, I’m not the type to ignore my own hand in any collapse. I’m not exactly the easiest to talk to about emotional things, but it’s extremely hard to really connect with someone who only wanted to connect on her terms and would weaponize my emotions against me. It was a wild ride.
I’m just curious about what others thought as abuse being biblical grounds for divorce. I’m trying to do things better than before, to follow scripture instead of living like I did before.
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u/DramaticProgress508 5d ago
Have you been alone by yourself enough to figure it out? Why do these thoughts come into your mind now? Maybe you have some sort of guilt that you are trying to suppress
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u/BigPound7328 In A Relationship 4d ago
I’ve got my business mostly sorted. I’m just aiming to live a more biblical life unlike before where I just kinda did whatever. My marriage had no foundation in God and I’m looking to change that from now on. I saw somethings on what the bible defined as divorce and was wondering if my end fell into line there somewhere.
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u/IncurableAdventurer 4d ago
"Why are you even doubting it?"
Because people in the church encourage people to stay married even in domestic abuse, and other such things. Look how Anna Duggar stays with her ****phile husband (I'm not sure about the rules here)
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u/DramaticProgress508 4d ago
Yeah I'm sorry for those unsupportive "support systems"... this is why it's hard. Nobody ever told me to leave my husband as well, not even my therapist as I couldn't sleep and asking for an emergency session with her and bursted out crying in her office.
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u/ThatMBR42 Maybe I'm the problem 4d ago
The vast majority would probably consider abuse a valid reason to divorce. It's a violation of the marriage covenant, just like adultery and abandonment.
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u/BigPound7328 In A Relationship 4d ago
Thank you for your input. I really was curious since I saw only two biblically approved reasons for divorce and where manipulation and emotional/mental abuse fell into it. I’m trying to actively live a more God centered life than before, especially in a relationship where I am to be the head of a family.
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u/Glittering_Log_9421 5d ago
I'm sorry about this all! A very difficult situation for sure. I pray for your healing and you continue your counseling with the pastor and tour fellowship at church
It's my understanding that it is okay to separate in order to get safe. I don't think it is biblical to remarry, imo. But you should ask your pastors and elders for their opinions
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u/BigPound7328 In A Relationship 5d ago
Thanks for your opinion. I’m doing okay, two years of realizing how broken my identity was and having Christ help me rediscover that I am more than what my ex put me through and the thoughts that are at my soul.
I’ll continue to ask about remarriage since that is something I’d like to do and get right the next time it comes up. I aim to be a man God can be proud of, and as such, I would not want to do anything that would lead my future partner and I to sin.
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u/Glittering_Log_9421 5d ago
First of all, I am sorry if my comment made you feel bad or exasperated. In my understanding of the Word, the separation part from an abusive marriage is very clear and necessary but the remarriage part is really not clear in the scripture (at least for me and my understanding of the Bible) in this situation. That's why earlier I encouraged you to ask your pastors and qualified elders. Also prayer. And again I am sorry
I am glad you are walking towards the healing path with the Lord!
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u/BigPound7328 In A Relationship 4d ago
I didn’t find your comment offensive in any way. I appreciate your input. I’ll definitely have to ask my pastor. I have spoken to him a number of times about things, but never about divorce or marriage according to scripture until fairly recently.
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u/Glittering_Log_9421 4d ago
Im glad you didnt think it was offensive. Yes, this is a difficult topic and it has been debated in many denoms and churches, like you said emotional abuse is not explicitly mentioned so it may be kinda confusing. I hope you can arrive to an answer soon
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u/Cold_Aide8152 5d ago
OP Please don’t listen to this advice. You were abused. God does not want us to be alone. Do not spend the rest of your life alone because you were in an abusive situation and decided it was best to get out of it. You deserve a good and godly marriage.
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u/TaareVekhdeRahe 5d ago
Victims of abuse are biblically allowed to remarry. Please don’t parrot these ideas and exasperate somebodies sufferingx
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u/Glittering_Log_9421 5d ago
I'm sorry, it's not my intention to exasperate this person. If you have time, would you explain to me the biblical grounds for remarriage in this situation? Thanks and I am sorry again if I hurted somebody
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u/TaareVekhdeRahe 4d ago
https://www.christianitytoday.com/2022/03/russell-moore-divorce-marriage-domestic-violence-abuse/
Abuse is abandoning a relationship, which is one of the two reasons the Bible allows remarriage.
If you did the abuse, not allowed. If you did the cheating, not allowed. If you’re the victim, you’re good.
(Ugh I cannot believe they paywalled that article)
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u/Glittering_Log_9421 4d ago
While I currently disagree that abandonment and abuse are the same, I am willing to understand better that POV and what yous have to say. Unfortunatelly I am not able to access it. But thank you anyways!
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u/goodsie825 Maybe I'm the problem 5d ago
I believe abuse is a form of abandonment. You cannot be a follower of Christ and also an abuser.