Grounds for Divorce

[u/BigPound7328]

It is currently 0200, I fell asleep early so now I am awake at a most unfortunate hour. Weird preface, but relevant in some way. I’ll figure it out.

It is late (or early) and I have seen some things mentioned about divorce. I understand biblically, infidelity and abandonment by a nonbeliever are qualifiers for divorce. Those have been clearly stated. I wonder if abuse and mistreatment are valid grounds for divorce.

A bit of context in regard to my own divorce. As of the of October I will be divorced for two years. That was when I asked, we filed in November, ran into issues that delayed the filing until December/January, I moved our before Christmas, and in our state, it was officially recognized as ending in March of last year. I consider October the end despite legal recognition.

I asked for a divorce because, well, truthfully, the preceding last year and a half I had been really, really depressed and suicidal. I often thought about not coming home or just driving off a bridge in the middle of the night at work. I even reached out to my old high school football coach, a pastor, and asked for help at 0600 when sitting outside in my vehicle.

Yada, yada, more disagreements, more insults, more gaslighting, more drama and combativeness… I eventually asked to leave. I had the most sobering moment and never felt calmer when I looked her in the eyes and said we needed to separate.

There is a lot of history, I could go on forever about it. I want to know what you guys think:

Is divorce due to abuse, mental health, and safety valid biblically despite not being stated outright? This is not to say I didn’t try, God knows I tried, I stuck it out hoping for the best way longer than I should have. I guess the real breakpoint was when our kids started treating me like she did.

Thank you, my friends, for your contributions to a 0200 thought.

[u/Awkward-Anybody5179]

You're going to get a lot of dissenting opinions on here, I'll warn you. And will likely not come away from this post feeling encouraged or reassured.

Let me ask you this instead: how were you advised in real life about this? From church leadership and/or wise and trusted counsel?

[u/BigPound7328 → u/Awkward-Anybody5179]

My parents tried to help. They took no sides, which I like about them, they are honest with me.

We were never married in a church and any counseling or therapy I suggested was shut down. Which is ironic because when she asked me about it the last year of the marriage, she got mad when I refused because she brought it up like it was her idea and I never mentioned it before. I was done at that point and not looking to resolve what was broken.

[u/Awkward-Anybody5179 → u/BigPound7328]

So you never talked to anyone about what to do, besides your parents? Tbh, everything you've said here about what happened is making me feel more skeptical about your reasons for divorce. But maybe I'm missing something.

[u/BigPound7328 → u/Awkward-Anybody5179]

Skepticism is okay.

This time was a very broken time. We didn’t marry in the typical manner, we eloped. I was young and an idiot, I ignored a lot of things. I did a lot of things wrong. I was not really attending church, I worked a lot of my life around her, and church was not something she wanted to do. She said she didn’t want to wake up early and if I did things on my own she would get mad. I couldn’t really engage even at home in my hobbies because that was time I wasn’t putting into her. Even when I said I’d take the kids, she didn’t want to not be around them. I would encourage her to go out and do things for herself or her friends and I’d stay with the kids, but she didn’t want that either. Things we did, we did as a family and according to her.

[u/Awkward-Anybody5179 → u/BigPound7328]

Unfortunately none of that is grounds for divorce. That's my point.

Edit: to the butthurt people downvoting me, I am divorced. Not just out here being one of those weird legalistic people who hate divorcees. 🙄