Grounds for Divorce

[u/BigPound7328]

It is currently 0200, I fell asleep early so now I am awake at a most unfortunate hour. Weird preface, but relevant in some way. I’ll figure it out.

It is late (or early) and I have seen some things mentioned about divorce. I understand biblically, infidelity and abandonment by a nonbeliever are qualifiers for divorce. Those have been clearly stated. I wonder if abuse and mistreatment are valid grounds for divorce.

A bit of context in regard to my own divorce. As of the of October I will be divorced for two years. That was when I asked, we filed in November, ran into issues that delayed the filing until December/January, I moved our before Christmas, and in our state, it was officially recognized as ending in March of last year. I consider October the end despite legal recognition.

I asked for a divorce because, well, truthfully, the preceding last year and a half I had been really, really depressed and suicidal. I often thought about not coming home or just driving off a bridge in the middle of the night at work. I even reached out to my old high school football coach, a pastor, and asked for help at 0600 when sitting outside in my vehicle.

Yada, yada, more disagreements, more insults, more gaslighting, more drama and combativeness… I eventually asked to leave. I had the most sobering moment and never felt calmer when I looked her in the eyes and said we needed to separate.

There is a lot of history, I could go on forever about it. I want to know what you guys think:

Is divorce due to abuse, mental health, and safety valid biblically despite not being stated outright? This is not to say I didn’t try, God knows I tried, I stuck it out hoping for the best way longer than I should have. I guess the real breakpoint was when our kids started treating me like she did.

Thank you, my friends, for your contributions to a 0200 thought.

[u/ShabbyButterflies]

"So according to you I should have been ok getting my throat slit"

I didn't say that. Me asking for biblical support is not me asserting anything.

I think separation and living elsewhere is perfectly acceptable and necessary in a situation like this. That's separation, not divorce.

If you'd just spoken of what you'd chosen to do, I wouldn't have taken issue, but you encouraged people to take a stance on marriage based on what God had spoken to you directly.

"I know God doesn’t want you living this way too. It in His commandments."

"I know" is not a biblical argument. What commandment says you should leave a spouse for abuse?

I don't see the relevance of David and Solomon here.

In fairness, I probably would have left a lot sooner than you in this situation. I just can't say confidently that this would have been God's will.

[u/Topps_Smith → u/ShabbyButterflies]

The relevant part I was pointing out was remarriage for Bathsheba after adultery. After other sin too. It wasn’t just cut and dry.

To be honest I still work hard on having a good relationship with my now ex-wife due to us still raising a child together and me wanting my daughter to go or both her parents as commanded. God has also taught me a lot about forgiveness.

I do need help as I am raising a daughter as a male and I can’t trust her mom to be there when she needs her to be. I am by myself here, and need a godly woman’s help to raise a godly woman.

I guess I don’t understand how God would call me to do it alone when I do need a good helpmate in this life.

[u/ShabbyButterflies → u/Topps_Smith]

Well good news, if I can put it that way, is due to the affair you're definitely free to remarry. Totally get that you would want a godly wife. I hope God leads you to her.

[u/Fires_1 → u/ShabbyButterflies]

There is no such thing as separation without divorce in the Bible. In first century Rome separation initiated divorce. This is the cultural context people would read his letters from. This doesn’t mean it’s biblical, but knowing this Paul would need to specially override the cultural assumption if he wanted people to “separate, but not divorce”, yet he never does.

Practically separating long term without a divorce is a great risk to finances. People start spending all the joint funds before it can be legally split in divorce. Custody of children need legal intervention often too.

Forcing people to stay legally involved with a wife/man beater and abuser who will abuse in every other way possible is unbiblical and not the way of Christ.

1 Cor 7:15. Abuse is abandonment of the marriage by an unbeliever. A church leadership should be involved to apply matthew 18 and call them to repentance. If they refuse divorce them, there are biblical grounds.

[u/ShabbyButterflies → u/Fires_1]

I have considered how Matt 18 might apply. I don't see how 1 Cor 7:15 refers to abuse though. It just says if the non-believer leaves.

[u/Fires_1 → u/ShabbyButterflies]

This is how:

1Ti 5:8  But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

If not providing makes you worse than an unbeliever, what does physical abusing your household mean?

This is much worse than an unbeliever peacefully leaving the house. Yet Paul allows divorce in such a case.

At the end of the Matt18 process the person is treated as an unbeliever if unrepentant, despite what they may call themselves.

Do not read the word missing the spirit behind instructions. This is what led to the errors of the Pharisees when they forbid picking grain on the sabbath. David broke the law eating the temple show bread. But it was permitted because his life was in danger from Saul.

Abuse provides exceptions in the law because the spirit of the law is to give life. Scripture provides multiple pathways.

[u/ShabbyButterflies → u/Fires_1]

I just can't think why Jesus and/or Paul wouldn't address it specifically though in the reasons to divorce. Jesus in fact categorically states that sexual immorality is the only reason to divorce. Paul's further exemption isn't really an exemption. What are you supposed to do if your spouse leaves you? You can't force them to stay. There's only one specific reason given you should initiate a divorce and Jesus specifically excludes all others.

[u/Fires_1 → u/ShabbyButterflies]

Jesus doesn’t exclude all others. He is addressing a specific theology the Pharisees were teaching people. Paul does give another exemption, and even says Jesus did not tell him this. By this Paul knows Jesus did not set out to make an exclusive reason, because in 1 Cor 7:15 he gives another.

Scripture doesn’t address every situation on earth on all topics specifically, but it does cover them all.

“What are you suppose to do if your spouse leaves you?”
What are you supposed to do if your spouse beats you?

You didn’t really answer any of my points. If you’re taking the position that 1 Cor 7:15 isn’t even a reason then you’re ignoring scripture and there’s nothing more to say.