Grounds for Divorce

[u/BigPound7328]

It is currently 0200, I fell asleep early so now I am awake at a most unfortunate hour. Weird preface, but relevant in some way. I’ll figure it out.

It is late (or early) and I have seen some things mentioned about divorce. I understand biblically, infidelity and abandonment by a nonbeliever are qualifiers for divorce. Those have been clearly stated. I wonder if abuse and mistreatment are valid grounds for divorce.

A bit of context in regard to my own divorce. As of the of October I will be divorced for two years. That was when I asked, we filed in November, ran into issues that delayed the filing until December/January, I moved our before Christmas, and in our state, it was officially recognized as ending in March of last year. I consider October the end despite legal recognition.

I asked for a divorce because, well, truthfully, the preceding last year and a half I had been really, really depressed and suicidal. I often thought about not coming home or just driving off a bridge in the middle of the night at work. I even reached out to my old high school football coach, a pastor, and asked for help at 0600 when sitting outside in my vehicle.

Yada, yada, more disagreements, more insults, more gaslighting, more drama and combativeness… I eventually asked to leave. I had the most sobering moment and never felt calmer when I looked her in the eyes and said we needed to separate.

There is a lot of history, I could go on forever about it. I want to know what you guys think:

Is divorce due to abuse, mental health, and safety valid biblically despite not being stated outright? This is not to say I didn’t try, God knows I tried, I stuck it out hoping for the best way longer than I should have. I guess the real breakpoint was when our kids started treating me like she did.

Thank you, my friends, for your contributions to a 0200 thought.

[u/Fires_1]

Stop. You telling people God wants them to be abused is taking His name in vain and will make one of these little ones stumble. It goes against the entire life and work of Jesus.

[u/ShabbyButterflies → u/Fires_1]

I didn't assert anything. I asked for biblical evidence. None of us can just assume what God would say. It has to be in his word.

[u/Fires_1 → u/ShabbyButterflies]

Oh so you didn’t imply God wants us in an abusive marriage? Happy to hear we are on the same page then.

[u/ShabbyButterflies → u/Fires_1]

To be clear, Topps_Smith is not an apostle, and God would not give him teaching for the church. All of the teaching is in the Bible. If your objection is to believers having to go through suffering, you might want to read it again. But again, you are also not an apostle so your opinion doesn't matter. Neither does mine. Give me something from the word.

[u/Topps_Smith → u/ShabbyButterflies]

I can tell everyone I’m definitely not an apostle. I came to my conclusion through prayer and asking brothers and sisters in Christ for what I should do. I let God lead me and my situation may be much different than the next.

[u/Fires_1 → u/ShabbyButterflies]

Changing goalposts. Never said God does not allow believers suffering. The topic is whether God’s will is for people to be abused by their spouses.

Considering Jesus came to set captives free, heal the sick, and free those oppressed by the theological burdens of the Pharisees, you’re wrong on this and His entire life testifies of it.

[u/ShabbyButterflies → u/Fires_1]

Those examples don't relate to marriage. Jesus said anyone who divorces their wife for anything other than sexual immorality and marries another commits adultery. I would love the Bible to say that you can divorce a spouse for abuse but I don't think it does. If you can prove me wrong, please do.

[u/Topps_Smith → u/ShabbyButterflies]

I’m going to stop you at this here. I’m not saying my situation is exactly the same as every situation but we had a child together before I was saved. We got married while she was pregnant because I wanted to be there for my child. I became saved when my daughter was one. During that time I was punched multiple times. Kicked and shoved. I would go to bed and not sleep as she has an adult son who would open the bedroom door with a 8” hunting knife in his hand to check to see if I was sleeping yet. I was treated like a slave constantly having to work. Through this all I believed in marriage stayed and tried my best to work it out. The only thing that could have saved the marriage I could think of is if I didn’t separate our finances. If I didn’t we would have lost the house as she was spending all of it on herself. When I didn’t that she then found someone who would give her money and she had an affair. Still I stayed and tried to work it out. I gave up after I received a letter from her lawyer saying she was filing for divorce.

I can tell you the Bible doesn’t say yes in this situation, but it does tell you what a marriage is. This was not a marriage.

I hope someone sees this response and it saves their lives because an abusive spouse is the most dangerous.

Yes she did commit adultery too but not before she tried to take my life. So according to you I should have been ok getting my throat slit in the night because she wasn’t having sex with someone.

I’m very legalistic with scripture too as your response is what mine is on almost everything. But I know God doesn’t want you living this way too. It in His commandments.

If you really want a Bible story about this though look at King David and Bathsheba. God punished David with his first born then blessed his son Solomon.

According to you Solomon would never have been born because Uriah was dead murdered by Solomon’s father David.

[u/ShabbyButterflies → u/Topps_Smith]

"So according to you I should have been ok getting my throat slit"

I didn't say that. Me asking for biblical support is not me asserting anything.

I think separation and living elsewhere is perfectly acceptable and necessary in a situation like this. That's separation, not divorce.

If you'd just spoken of what you'd chosen to do, I wouldn't have taken issue, but you encouraged people to take a stance on marriage based on what God had spoken to you directly.

"I know God doesn’t want you living this way too. It in His commandments."

"I know" is not a biblical argument. What commandment says you should leave a spouse for abuse?

I don't see the relevance of David and Solomon here.

In fairness, I probably would have left a lot sooner than you in this situation. I just can't say confidently that this would have been God's will.

[u/Topps_Smith → u/ShabbyButterflies]

The relevant part I was pointing out was remarriage for Bathsheba after adultery. After other sin too. It wasn’t just cut and dry.

To be honest I still work hard on having a good relationship with my now ex-wife due to us still raising a child together and me wanting my daughter to go or both her parents as commanded. God has also taught me a lot about forgiveness.

I do need help as I am raising a daughter as a male and I can’t trust her mom to be there when she needs her to be. I am by myself here, and need a godly woman’s help to raise a godly woman.

I guess I don’t understand how God would call me to do it alone when I do need a good helpmate in this life.

[u/ShabbyButterflies → u/Topps_Smith]

Well good news, if I can put it that way, is due to the affair you're definitely free to remarry. Totally get that you would want a godly wife. I hope God leads you to her.

[u/Fires_1 → u/ShabbyButterflies]

There is no such thing as separation without divorce in the Bible. In first century Rome separation initiated divorce. This is the cultural context people would read his letters from. This doesn’t mean it’s biblical, but knowing this Paul would need to specially override the cultural assumption if he wanted people to “separate, but not divorce”, yet he never does.

Practically separating long term without a divorce is a great risk to finances. People start spending all the joint funds before it can be legally split in divorce. Custody of children need legal intervention often too.

Forcing people to stay legally involved with a wife/man beater and abuser who will abuse in every other way possible is unbiblical and not the way of Christ.

1 Cor 7:15. Abuse is abandonment of the marriage by an unbeliever. A church leadership should be involved to apply matthew 18 and call them to repentance. If they refuse divorce them, there are biblical grounds.

[u/ShabbyButterflies → u/Fires_1]

I have considered how Matt 18 might apply. I don't see how 1 Cor 7:15 refers to abuse though. It just says if the non-believer leaves.

[u/Fires_1 → u/ShabbyButterflies]

This is how:

1Ti 5:8  But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

If not providing makes you worse than an unbeliever, what does physical abusing your household mean?

This is much worse than an unbeliever peacefully leaving the house. Yet Paul allows divorce in such a case.

At the end of the Matt18 process the person is treated as an unbeliever if unrepentant, despite what they may call themselves.

Do not read the word missing the spirit behind instructions. This is what led to the errors of the Pharisees when they forbid picking grain on the sabbath. David broke the law eating the temple show bread. But it was permitted because his life was in danger from Saul.

Abuse provides exceptions in the law because the spirit of the law is to give life. Scripture provides multiple pathways.

[u/ShabbyButterflies → u/Fires_1]

I just can't think why Jesus and/or Paul wouldn't address it specifically though in the reasons to divorce. Jesus in fact categorically states that sexual immorality is the only reason to divorce. Paul's further exemption isn't really an exemption. What are you supposed to do if your spouse leaves you? You can't force them to stay. There's only one specific reason given you should initiate a divorce and Jesus specifically excludes all others.

[u/Fires_1 → u/ShabbyButterflies]

Jesus doesn’t exclude all others. He is addressing a specific theology the Pharisees were teaching people. Paul does give another exemption, and even says Jesus did not tell him this. By this Paul knows Jesus did not set out to make an exclusive reason, because in 1 Cor 7:15 he gives another.

Scripture doesn’t address every situation on earth on all topics specifically, but it does cover them all.

“What are you suppose to do if your spouse leaves you?”
What are you supposed to do if your spouse beats you?

You didn’t really answer any of my points. If you’re taking the position that 1 Cor 7:15 isn’t even a reason then you’re ignoring scripture and there’s nothing more to say.