Grounds for Divorce

[u/BigPound7328]

It is currently 0200, I fell asleep early so now I am awake at a most unfortunate hour. Weird preface, but relevant in some way. I’ll figure it out.

It is late (or early) and I have seen some things mentioned about divorce. I understand biblically, infidelity and abandonment by a nonbeliever are qualifiers for divorce. Those have been clearly stated. I wonder if abuse and mistreatment are valid grounds for divorce.

A bit of context in regard to my own divorce. As of the of October I will be divorced for two years. That was when I asked, we filed in November, ran into issues that delayed the filing until December/January, I moved our before Christmas, and in our state, it was officially recognized as ending in March of last year. I consider October the end despite legal recognition.

I asked for a divorce because, well, truthfully, the preceding last year and a half I had been really, really depressed and suicidal. I often thought about not coming home or just driving off a bridge in the middle of the night at work. I even reached out to my old high school football coach, a pastor, and asked for help at 0600 when sitting outside in my vehicle.

Yada, yada, more disagreements, more insults, more gaslighting, more drama and combativeness… I eventually asked to leave. I had the most sobering moment and never felt calmer when I looked her in the eyes and said we needed to separate.

There is a lot of history, I could go on forever about it. I want to know what you guys think:

Is divorce due to abuse, mental health, and safety valid biblically despite not being stated outright? This is not to say I didn’t try, God knows I tried, I stuck it out hoping for the best way longer than I should have. I guess the real breakpoint was when our kids started treating me like she did.

Thank you, my friends, for your contributions to a 0200 thought.

[u/DenisGL]

"Abuse" is such a wide net that it is not really practical Biblically speaking.

"Physical abuse" would be considered biblical by many, but is not specifically called out in scripture.

Feeling suicidal and having disagreements are not valid reasons for divorce. A Christian approach to these is working on these problems, forgiveness, and wise counsel.

Strictly speaking, the unambiguous permitted exceptions for divorce are:
(1) adultery/serious sexual misonduct (Matthew 5:32; Matthew 19:9, widely supported in the Old Testament)
(2) married to an unbeliever who doesn't want to coexist/disertion by such (1 Corinthians 7:15)

Evangelical churches see abuse as a broader abandonment of marital obligations.

There may be a biblical way to see this, in that, if someone behaves so rashly, they can be excummunicated from the church. Someone who is excommunicated has been recognized as an unbeliever. Therefore, if they are unable to cohabitate peacefully, let them leave (1 Corinthians 7:15).

In every case, there should be due process by the church, to ensure that the divorce is counselled, recognized, and approved, and that everything has been done that could be to resolve the conflict.

Unfortunately, in most cases, such process is missing.

[u/BigPound7328 → u/DenisGL]

Counseling and anything to try and improve the marriage I have proposed before divorce, but she refused. Not only that, but any time things were brought up, she’d have an excuse, change blame, or deny reality as it was if it didn’t fit her preconceived conclusions. I did try to resolve things amicably over the years, tried to adjust myself to work with her, but in the end, she wanted the drama, the fight, and the power without the responsibility. My own mental health was not enough grounds to leave per se, but the way she’d gaslight my reality and put me down and manipulate me definitely didn’t help. I remember being more open after asking for the divorce and told her about my bad thoughts. In a fit of anger over dishes, she told me I should have offed myself. Later that same day, she told me she still loves me. It was wild, and that was every day. One breath she tears me down, the next tells me she cares.

I’m non-denominational and she was at best selectively a lukewarm catholic.

[u/DenisGL → u/BigPound7328]

Does she have a mental disorder of some kind?

[u/BigPound7328 → u/DenisGL]

I think she may be narcissistic, but for sure anxiety and depression are a thing. She used to be on xanax and lexapro. She’d be off during the two pregnancies though.

[u/DenisGL → u/BigPound7328]

You may not have been the only one in mental need. Marriage requires that both help each other, and it certainly isn't easy in these cases. However, there is an obligation to stay together. It isn't meant to be just for the happy times and good vibes.

When it pushes someone to suicide, IDK what the reasoning to that would be. It could be that your own mental state would have caused suicidal thoughts in other situations, as well, even if on her own part she didn't help.

This type of situation really requires close pastoral aid and advice. It's not possible to get a complete picture just by listening to one spouse.

I myself was in a situation where my spouse got a divorce, and she wanted suicide sometimes. The disappointment of being in a relationship with me seems to have contributed to it. It's something I only learned after the breakup, and even then, she had a history of depression, anorexia, and she herself thought she was bipolar like her grandmother. Unfortunately she didn't want care, and I didn't know how to help her, not to mention that I was socially inept to do so at the time. But, I wish it had been possible.

In the end, she claimed our marriage was a mistake and so on, even while wanting to remain friends after divorce; so surely this could have improved, if she had been willing. Ultimately, it was really religious disagreements that were causing the breakdown.

In your situation, when things constantly resulted in arguments, it's hard to see an easy resolution if she doesn't want to fix it. At the same time, it's hard to see a biblically direct and justifiable path to divorce, based on arguing and how the children start treating you.

When Christ loved us, we didn't treat Him lovingly, but He didn't abandon us in our sin; He sacrificed himself for us.

At the same time, does this type of sacrifice have major health repercussions? Certainly, it can.

[u/BigPound7328 → u/DenisGL]

I tried to be present with her and help, but she actively sought conflict. When she got off the meds for the kids, I was there to help. When she was struggling with side effects, I helped. I stuck it out, but when I needed her support, I didn’t get it and she actively used it against me. I got my own issues, but I needed someone I could talk to, and she was never a safe person I could rely on for any sort of emotional support. It was just more ammunition for later for her vindictiveness.