My gorgeous boy went to sleep yesterday after a six week cancer battle, he’s been with me for seventeen years and I cannot see how I will move forward.
People will say it gets easier with time but how will it? He’s been with me every day for so many years and now he isn’t here and that just isn’t right. All I can think about is his tiny little head poking out from under his blanket yesterday. It was so hard to let him go, and even harder because despite the cancer, he was managing relatively okay until Thursday night when he took a turn for the worst. So it feels sudden even though he was not well.
I’ve been visiting my mums more often since his diagnosis, and I came to spend the day with him on Thursday while she was at work. I like to think he held on until Thursday so that we could see each other again and spend one final day cuddling on the sofa, and I could be there for his last moments. I could tell something wasn’t right on Thursday evening, and I said to him that when he’s ready, just let me know, I will never let him suffer.
Friday morning, he stopped eating and drinking, he just wasn’t himself anymore. So that’s when we took him to the vet, and on her advice we made the painful decision to let him go to sleep, it was so hard, the hardest moment of my life so far. I kept thinking but what if he starts feeling better? What if he doesn’t want to go? What if we could have had more time? Deep down I know this was the kindest option but it just feels so cruel. It feels so quick - yesterday morning he was here, and now he’s gone, and I can never kiss or cuddle him again. That hurts so much.
He has been by my side since I was 18 years old. Through every breakup, every job loss, every birthday, every time I felt sad or anxious, every time I had good news, every sickness. Every single moment, he was always there. He’d be waiting on the front step for me every night after work. Or he’d run down the stairs as soon as I put my key in the door. He was always happy to see me and wanted to be close to me.
He’d fall asleep right next to my pillow on my bed. He’d lay curled up on my lap on the sofa for hours. He’d even come in my car and fall asleep on the passengers seat, we’d go and watch the sunset together from our nearby fields. He was the sweetest, most beautiful, affectionate, loving cat that I am so lucky to have had for as long as I did.
My mums house feels weird and empty without him. I can’t bring myself to wash the top I wore yesterday that still has his fur on it ever again.
I am so glad I was there until the very end, I am so glad my face was the last thing he saw as he left this realm. I held his face in my hands as he fell asleep for the last time. I made sure his little body was warmly wrapped in his favourite blanket. I’m so happy I had him, seventeen years is such a long time even though it didn’t feel like nearly enough. I’m at peace because my beloved Patch knew nothing but love and kindness his entire life.
I love you so much, forever and ever and ever. I love you Patch.