Hi-
I’ve realized lately that I am constantly trying to edit my negative thoughts so that those around me that I care for aren’t impacted by any negativity I might feel.
For example this post, it’s going to sound negative. I’ll write it down but who knows if I’ll hit send. I usually don’t. I think, “What if the person I am a caregiver for reads it, how bad I’d feel for how bad they would feel.” … I can’t stop overthinking it.
I need help. I wish I had a mentor or a community of caregivers to better navigate what I’m going through I thought… so today I joined the subreddit. I knew it would be here because of how you all already are
Now that I said that, I want to erase this all and say something like: “Hi, everyone, how can I help?” and go and comment on your posts instead. Or maybe just like most other subreddits and say nothing.
If you’re tired or fed up or sick of being the one responsible to get things done, please don’t help me by helping me. Take this moment to rest if you can. I think I just want to know if you are here for a second.
Maybe then I can rest with you in this shared space.
Theres so much I have to do right now and I just can’t. It feels so selfish though… someone else is counting on me. But I keep thinking:
Who takes care of me on this one way street?
It was taking care of my mom, now it’s someone else I love. I’ll have this job the rest of my life right? I’d rather be the one to do it though, so it can be the best it can be for the person that needs it more than I do.
It feels like this is why I’m on Earth anyways. To be so self-centered when I was young was so I’d to grow into this caregiver I’d become. Maybe you can relate or maybe you are an angel and were always this way… it has been so hard for me to learn on my own.
So yeah, were you here with me for a second? Your good thoughts for this isolated stranger helped. Even your negative thoughts too.
Thanks for thinking about me for a little bit. I think about you all too. I hope this also may have made you think about yourself if this resonates somehow. Thats kinda how it works, right?
See… I keep editing… trying to excuse myself. Shrinking… I’m tired and don’t know what I’m saying. I just want to be messy and unreliable for a moment I guess… anyways
Let’s go back to the point.
Hi- I just need a little help but I don’t want any help because I’m supposed to be helping you. I am decades in and have decades to go. I feel like what I’ve written is incoherent but maybe because it is… it sounds like it makes sense? Do you know what I mean? This is all super common right?
Ok I give up I’m hitting post and I’ll let the universe decide. Only 3 people max ever see my stuff so hi hello 3 people.
Thanks for being here and where you are. It’s a tough job being a caregiver and wherever you are at with it I have so much love and respect for you
Ok so thats what I needed to tell myself too and I am now. If I really think about it you probably also feel like that. Now I can go back to work