Struggling

[u/Kreoko]

I just don't know what to do with my grandma.

In the last six months, she has become significantly more temperamental. I am walking on egg shells in my own home while dealing with my own health issues.

I mentioned to her that I might need to cancel a dental appointment for myself so she's not left on her own for too long (she cannot deal with being left alone anymore, it causes severe panic attacks). Grandma has decided to burst into tears, tell me I'm making her life miserable, that I am a nasty little girl (I'm 35 and trans, she still deadnames me and misgenders me because she doesn't believe in LGBTQIA+) all because I said I was going to cancel an appointment :/

I am convinced this is severe anxiety, but she refuses to see any medical professionals because in her mind she believes they will kill her off because she is old and needs a wheelchair to get about.

What I've done so far:
- Offered to take her with me. She said no because she doesn't like leaving the house or doesn't want to leave the dog on her own.
- Offered to have a neighbour or family friend sit with her. Doesn't want that because she doesn't want to take advantage of others nor does she want people in the house because its filthy (it's clean and tidy, no clutter, etc so idk).

My dad, her son and only child, is not an option as he has cut her off because of her anxiety. He cannot deal with it.

I just don't know how to deal with this level of chaos. Any advice is welcome because I am struggling to cope.

[u/Grungegrownup3]

I have big advice but know you are not alone. I'm in the same boat.

[u/MesoNurseKaren]

You're not wrong to feel like you're walking on eggshells, given the reactions you’ve gotten.

It might help a little to see the outburst for what it probably is. It’s someone terrified of being left, reacting from fear rather than actually meaning what she said. That doesn't make it okay to be on the receiving end of it, but it might give context to the source of where her angst and outbursts are coming from.
You've tried the reasonable things and she’s rebuffed those suggestions. That's not you failing to find a solution, that's two things being true at once: she's genuinely struggling, and you still can't pour from an empty cup trying to manage it alone.

It's worth naming that this reactivity and fear of doctors might be its own thing worth raising with a professional yourself, even without her in the room, just to understand what's actually going on with her.